Username 
peejrin
Profile link 
http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/703966
Story Title 
Your Sky Is Sorrowful

 

~ Reviewed by ViolaWard ~

FIRST IMPRESSION: (12/15)
The story seemed really interesting at first, and it really was. I congratulate you for the originality and uniqueness in the foreword. All the organization made it seem like it was going to be a really satisfying read. The poster seemed really neat, so I gave you points for that as well as the layout, although I feel like that layouts are really not used for stories, but more like shops. I had to cut some points for that. The little poem added a little taste to it.

LANGUAGE: (8/20)
There were very few grammar mistakes that made it confusing to comprehend what was going on, hence the reason why I gave you this score in this section. You keep switching between past and present vocabulary, and that is really frustrating. 
~'Hyemi was falling down, hearing screams calling for her name. She watches the blue sky coming up with a rainbow.' What is that this is at the beginning, so I immediately facepalmed. All my hopes went down the drain with this mistake. I let you off easily because english isn't your first language, but if you really want a good review, please get a beta author. Someone like me perhaps. The correct, detailed form is: 'Hyemi was falling down, hearing screams calling her name, and watched the blue sky form a rainbow.' It's the best I can do because I wasn't sure what you wanted here.
~'At least she smiled, she thought.' The correct form is 'At least I smiled, she thought.'

I don't like the fact that there were very few paragraphs, and a lot of blunt/dull sentences. Hyemi's thoughts were scattered all over the place and conversations were also very unorganized. You