Chapt 7

Hurt...

(Present)

Through the window, the fallen snow could be clearly seen. The weather was incredibly cold and that was enough to be the reason why did this man enchain his feet on the studio. CNBOYS were just done doing the meeting for their comeback album and arranged their promo schedules at the next month. But to seen the snow falling so hard and the wind blew swiftly, they decided to stay there until the weather relatively save for them to drive.

Jonghyun sat in front of the window. His vision attached to the snow out there while his hand strumming his guitar randomly. The view of January winter seems like bewitched him. Suddenly, he felt a sensation like driving a time machine. Like déjà vu....

January a year ago, at the same place...

"Oppa, oneday... if we already fulfilling almost all of our dreams, oneday... when i'm just an Im Yoon Ah and you're just a Lee Jonghyun, i want to spend the winter in Hokaido. With you. Just the two of us."

"Hokaido? Wae? Why don't you choose Europe like Seohyun? Hokaido isn't too far away from Korea and you were already there with your members, right?"

"Oh.. i was. And the view was incredibly beautiful. I love the sunrise at 5.30am. It would be orange and blue reflected on the crystal snow. It brought a warm feeling in my heart even though it surrounded by the cold. At the moment i said to my self... 'Ah... it would be so nice if i could see it with him. Ah... it would really nice if i could share this warm with him. It would be perfect if we could save this memory as a treasure in our life.' Hmm.. Jinjja.. Oppa. Oneday, kokk.. we should go there. Yakseok?"

Her voice still clearly resounded in his memory. He still remember, how happy and excited she was when she told him that story. But now.. he didn't even know what his dream was? He didn't know anymore, what is dream itself? The only thing he knew.. she wasn't there anymore. That 'oneday' would never be happen. She already broke the promise all at once with those dreams.

"Hyung, coffee.. choco-milk... cappuccino... tea?" Jungshin the maknae immediately changed to became Jungshin Ahjumma.

"Cappuccino will be good. Gomawo!"

"Okay.." Jungshin gave his thumb and threw a naughty wink. Jonghyun couldn't help but chuckled with his maknae agyeo.

Yonghwa looked so serious retouching their songs composition. Jungshin with his duty as the ahjumma, and Minhyuk drown himself with his tablet. The studio felt so quiet. It was Saturday, anyway. Some FnC idols were on their world tour, some others else were spent their late new year vacation with their family. Only  there were two security staffs worked at the front office. The only sound that heard was the melody of Jonghyun's guitar. Sounded so mellow, yet.. so satire and lonely. Everyone was focus with their own world before suddenly Minhyuk screamed broke the silence.

"Mwo?!!! Maldo andwe!!!"

Minhyuk closed his mouth with his right palm while his widen eyes still straight to his tab. It immediately made the other three ran closer to him. They wondered, what happened to that boy.

A few seconds latter, they finally seen what the hell that was about. Even Yonghwa and Jungshin did the same reaction like Minhyuk did. Except Jonghyun. He saw that news with the flat expression. Motionless. Emotionless. Nobody could read what was on his mind at the moment. Yonghwa, Minhyuk and Jungshin instantly looked at Jonghyun right after they read the whole articles.

Almost all of Korean online news wrote the same Head Line "Lee Seunggi and SNSD Im Yoona are officially dating" along with their pictures at their official press conference.

He saw it.

He saw her hand held by that man. He saw the way Seunggi stared at Yoona's eyes so lovely. He saw his nightmare incarnated to became a bitter reality. Finally, he saw him stole her from his life for damn real. It's real.

He smiled. A bitter smile. He was back to his couch and started to strummed his guitar again. Every pair of eyes were looked at his direct worriedly.

"Jonghyun ah.. gwaenchanna?"

Yonghwa knew the answer very well that actually Jonghyun wouldn't be alright. It ridiculous. Just last night Yoona told him everything but then... He doesn't have any idea. What with this 'Lee Seunggi' thing?

"Mwo ya? Naega wae?" He answered shortly with his fake smile. However hard he pretended to be fine, but 5 years is more than enough for his brothers to stripping his lies. They couldn't be tricked by a fake smile like that.

Minhyuk hurriedly turned his tablet off. He decided for not continuing read those articles. Yonghwa sat beside Jonghyun and thought so hard about how to tell the right words to comfort him. There was a guilty feeling burdened his heart. He knew something that Jonghyun have to know too. But he promised to Yoona that he would give her chance to tell it by herself. But dating Lee Seunggi? Yoona wasn't tell him about this.

"Jonghyun ah... do you really not gonna tell us anything?"

Finally, Yonghwa decided to make it clearer. For this few times, they already noticed Jonghyun's changed. But no one of them dared to asked him. They tried to acted as normal as usual. Even they never mentioned Yoona's name in front of him since he always changed the topics or immediately walked away from them everytime they talked about her. They thought maybe it was just a lover quarrel or some temporary problem which gonna be solved pretty soon. But that crazy news...

"What should i say, Hyung?" Again. He answered it shortly. But this time, he doesn't show his bitter smile anymore. This time, his eyes looked so dim and he stopped his fingers from strummed his guitar. He bowed and that agony couldn't be hidden anymore.

"I already know everything, Jonghyun ah! Seohyun told me a little part about you and Yoona. I waited you to tell us or at least to me about this. I just wanted to gave you sometimes to calmed yourself and clear up your mind. I thought oneday you gonna tell us when you finally ready and feel better. It's okay, buddy! We're your brothers..."

The sad expression in Yonghwa's face wasn't fake at all. Indeed, it was break his heart to saw his brother this way. He thought, if only this thing happened to him, he couldn't be as strong as Jonghyun. If it happened to Seo Joohyun, he wouldn't be stay there and sit calmly. He would run like an insane to drag her and never let anyone steal her from him.

Jonghyun sighed his long breath.

“Geunyang eottokhae, Hyung... the truth is... i never feel calm and ready for these all. Me myself still try so hard, harder an harder to tell myself that this is real. I still try to excepted that what'd been happened to my life is real. Every morning when i opened my eyes, the first thing that would gonna be crossed in my mind was always that girl. 'What are you doing, now? Are you live well? Did you sleep and eat properly? Do your jobs doing well? Do you concerned with your health on this extreme coldly winter? Yoona.. don't you miss me?' Hhhh... those questions would immediately filled my morning thought. But a few minutes latter, reality slapped me and forced me to totally awaked. She had gone. That girl... asked me to let her go 3 months ago."

Jonghyun bowed his head down. He couldn't hide his misery any longer. It clearly shown in his face. He started to felt tired after this whole times pretending to be fine.

Minhyuk and Jungshin opened their eyes widely. They couldn't believe that their hyung had to held those pains alone. 3 months? He'd been shouldered his missery alone?

Yonghwa patted his brother's back. The truth was... he didn't know how to comforted nor helped him. Seohyun even didn't tell anything about this. He guessed, maybe SNSD and their management would be very busy after that news. It would be hard to called her at that situation.

"Hyung, why didn't you tell us about this? You make me feel bad to let you through this alone." Minhyuk stared at his Hyung with his teary eyes. He almost cried if he wasn't look how Jonghyun still tried to strength himself.

"Mianhae, it's not because i did not count you as my brothers. But...." He coughed a little like the words got stuck on his throat. It was really hard to speak even to breath.

"I was so confused, where should i start to tell you? Like i said before, i still try to except everything. Besides, we're in the middle of our comeback preparation. I didn't want to burdened you for more with my personal problem. Jinjja, i just wanted to be professional. And you know, i can forget her only when i was busy with works. Honestly, i didn't want to bring anything related to her coz i really wanted to being focus with our album. So i wasn't tell you this. Hanbon do Mianhae..."

"Geundae, Hyung... everything was fine before, right? I mean, before your changed for this past 3 months, you and Yoona noona were really in love. I saw YongSeo quarell more often. But i never saw that between you and hyungseonim. Even before SNSD went to Japan, she cooked for us in our dorm and we had a fun dinner. Jeoseonghaeo, Hyung... but what was the matter?"

Jungshin question felt like scraped his wounds. He frowned for a moment. What kind of answer he could tell his brothers?

"Molla, Jungshin ah! Nan jinjja molla! Until this second, i still can't understand what was going on? At the beginning, i thought maybe Yoona just felt depressed caused of her hectic works. The day after that broke up, i crazily tried to called her but her phone was off. I searched for her everywhere. She wasn't in her dorm either in her parent's house. I swear, i was looking for her like an insane. I miss her..." His voice almost unheard. Felts like something kneaded his heart when he recalled those memories one by one.

"Yesterday morning, i was gasped when those pictures appeared in TV. I didn't have any idea what was actually happen to her? But what we seen on Minhyuk's tab is enough to answered everything."

He inhaled his breath heavily. For a moment he remained silent. Then he looked at Yonghwa direction.

"I think i'm give up, Hyung! She... finally got what she wanted. He held her hand and announced to public that she's his girl. He done what i should do before. He gave her what she asked me that i couldn't give her. He love her, Hyung. I knew he love her so much. I believe, he'll do anything to make her happy. Daengida... i'm happy for her."

Jonghyun smiled but the mist in his eyes couldn't be hiding. Yonghwa looked at him with his guilty gazed. The pains he could clearly seen through those brown eyes.  It was more dilemmatic for him. God knew how much he wanted to tell him anything that Yoona said last night. But it more complicated when Lee Seunggi suddenly appeared on this story. And now the whole world knew that he's Yoona's boyfriend.

"Jonghyun ah... why don't you try to meet her? Asked her directly and listen to her explanation with your own ears. Who knows, maybe Yoona has her own reason. I know you guys for years, and i know.. you wouldn't be apart so easily. Just try to fight for your love once again. Fight for your heart. At least if you feel that she is really worth it, then fight for her, Jongie ah!"

"Molla, Hyung! I was thinking about that. But now, i don't know what to do. I start to think that this love is only means to me. But for her, love only is not enough. She's looking for more than just a simple love like i have for her. I'm not enough for her, Hyung. And i'm sure about it, Yoona wouldn't do that if her heart doesn't want it. If she's with him now, it's because she chose him. Her heart chose him!"

The puddle of tears began to filled his eyelids. It was ready to fell in a blink of eye. But he strengthened himself in front of his brothers.

Once again, Jonghyun showed his dimple smile. At least he didn't want to looked so pity in front of his brothers. Ania... the truth was, he didn't want to admit how broken he was. He hated to excepted the fact that his angel is no longer his.

"Gwaenchanna, Jongie ah! You know that you're not alone. Although, honestly.. i don't know what to do to make you feel better but... remember, buddy... you always have us. Anytime, just come to us when you need someone to talk or only need a partner to drink." Yonghwa patted his shoulder as he tried to transfer his strength to his dongsaeng.

"And one more thing... Stop pretending that you're strong! I know, we are not that strong, Jonghyun ah! Indeed, we are man. Man don't cry, i 100% agree with that. But stop to fight with your self. You're already tired to fight with your problem. So just released yourself. Let your heart do what you're suppose to do. Gwaenchanna, God created tears for a man too. It's gonna be hard to breath if you keep acting like this!"

This time, Yonghwa caress his back. He knew, it was just a theory that easy to talked but hard to do. He knew, it wasn't enough to revived the wounds in his heart. He wished, Yoona would do her promise really soon. Or.. don't blaming him if he break his promise and tell everything to Jonghyun. He couldn't let his brother get this misery any longer.

"Gomawo, Hyung! Ah.. jinjjaa... it makes me hungry! Jungshin Ahjumma... don't you think you have to cook something for me? The snow already stop falling. We should go home, right?"

Again! Yonghwa's words really didn't have an  effect at all. This Busan man still showed his prestige and kept bragging how strong he was.

To see how stubborn their brother was, the trio could only sighed their breath heavily. Jungshin immediately stood up and threw his best smile and aegyeo.

"Ahrasso!!! Let ahjumma hold the things. What you want to eat? Ramyeon? Bibimbab? Ddobokki? I'll cook everything to throw those pains away from you, Hyung!"

Everybody chuckled for Jungshin words. Although they were know, that wouldn't change the fact about how broken Jonghyun was.

***

It was 6.30 pm. They arrived at their dormitory right after they bought some ingredients to cooked. Jungshin straight to the kitchen soon after he hung his jacket. Minhyuk came to help him. Jonghyun took his towel on his room then straight to the bathroom.

Sarang bit suddenly rang in Yonghwa's phone. 'Heaven Light' appeared on it screen then he immediately ran to his room then spoke to the girl on his phone.

"Hyun... moseumniri ah? What's going on?" Impatiently, he asked Seohyun and even forgot to greeted her first.

"Aish... geun namja jinjja!! Don't you think that you should greet me first after the whole day you were not hear my voice? Don't you miss me, Jung Yonghwa Ssi?"

Actually, Seohyun was really aware the pressure that CNBLUE got after that news. She just tried to light up the mood since Yonghwa's voice sounded so worry.

"Ah.. mianhae, baby! I just... It's really a long day for us, you know? Okay... what is my angel doing now?"

"Hhhh... you should already know what are we doing now. Naega do eonnie-deul ga... ouh.. eottokhae, Oppa? Why is everything turned to be like this?"

She heard so depressed. Yonghwa knew how tired she might be after her eonnie's dating news spread out. He desperately wanted to ran and pulled her body to his embraced.

"Algaeseo, Hyun. All of you might had a harder time than us. But angel.. noel gwaenchanna?" Gently, he asked her.

“Nan gwaenchanna, Oppa. But maybe for a few times it will be hard for me to see you. I have no free space to do anything. Press would keep watching us after Yoona eonnie's news. For some few times, i'll be on my dorm with eonne-deul. Gwaenchanna?"

"Geurom gwaenchanna, Hyun. As long as you're save and healthy. Don't skip your meal time and stay sleep properly, ahratji?"

"Nde. Oppa do... sleep and eat well. Don't ever dare to gulp some coffee behind me, Jung Yonghwa Ssi! Aah... Jongmal mianhae, Oppa. Neomo bogoshiposeo..."

Yonghwa heard she sniffed.

"Na do, Joohyun ah! Eii... are you crying?"

"Ania.. geunyang... haah... it was so scary, Oppa. Tsk.. i never thought the thing will be this complicated. Is Jonghyun Oppa okay?"

"Jonghyun? Ah.. you won't have any idea.. how that Busan man stay showing up about how strong he is. If only Minhyuk didn't find that news, i'm sure that stubborn boy would close his mouth and swallowed all the bitter pills alone. Though for nth times he told me that he was alright, i know he's not. I'm his Hyung for this 5 years. And it breaks my heart too to see him suffer."

"Mianhae, Oppa. Uri eonnie ttaemunae.. jongmal mianhae..."

"Eii... i don't mean to burden you, honey? Why do you feel sorry. It's not your fault anyway. Besides... we really don't know what exactly is going on. How about Yoona? Was she say something?"

"Ania, Oppa. Yoona eonnie still could not be found until now. She turned her phone off. She wasn't in her parent's house neither in Seunggi Oppa's. Really.. Oppa, we still can't understand what this is all about. Me and eonnie-deul we were shocked as well. She didn't tell us about she's dating Seunggi Oppa. She came to that press con only to clarified her rumor about those pictures. It's so weird, both Seunggi Oppa or our management didn't tell anything to us. I'm scare, Oppa. I'm so worry about Yoona Eonnie. I'm affraid she gonna do something stupid once again." Seohyun's voice heard throaty. Actually, she held her tears.

"Sssh... keep positive thinking, Honey! I'm sure, she's gonna be fine. Maybe she need a time to calmed herself and clear up her mind. Just pray for her and keep waiting. If you get her news, please call me, baby. I need to know too. Hhm..?"

"Nde, Oppa. I'll call you soon."

"Okay, baby... please stay healthy. Anytime you need me, just call me. And... one more thing, Seo Joohyun..."

"Wae, Oppa?"

"Don't ever do what Yoona did to Jonghyun! Promise me, you wouldn't do that to me!" Yonghwa inhaled a long breath.

"Mwo ya, Oppa? Why should i do that anyway?"

"Just promise me, Hyun! Seriously, i won't be as strong as Jonghyun if you do the same thing to me. I can't even take a risk with imagining to live without you. Promise me...!"

"Ahraseo, naega yakseokhae, Oppa! You can keep my promise. I only gonna go by two requests. First, if you asked me to leave coz you're longer in love with me. Second, if God asked me coz He love me more than anyone and want me to be with Him."

"GEUMANHAE, SEO JOOHYUN!! Don't ever say those non sense words anymore! I hate to hear you said it, do you understand?"

Unconsciously, he shouted his girl. He wasn't angry.. but Seohyun's words were scared him a lot. It hurt him even when Seohyun only described it as an IF.

"Ahrasso, Oppa. Mianhae.. i never mean to make you angry. Aish... don't be too serious, Oppa! It's really not like you." He felt bad after acted too harsh to his girl. He brought his gentle voice back.

"I wasn't angry, Honey! But you scared me! For God sake, Seo Joohyun.. I don't want to hear you say those words again. Baby, listen to me! You will always be healthy, have a long life and live longer than me. We'll have thousand nights to share and to spend together. Jongmal Hyun, you almost made me cry, Honey!"

"Nde, Oppa! Mianhae....! Oh... Oppa.. i'll call you latter. Manager oppa just come. I guess we gonna have a meeting."

"Okay. Call me, latter! Take care, angel!"

"Oppa do! Saranghae..."

"Na do neol neomu.. neomu saranghanda, Seo Joohyun..."

***

"Hyung.. the dinner is ready!!!"

Duo maknaes called from the living room. Yonghwa hurriedly came from his room after he changed his shirt. Few moments latter, Jonghyun followed him.

"Ohh? Why do you arranged the dishes here?" Jonghyun found their dinner had already presented at the table in front of TV.

"Ania.. geunyang.. i just want to have a casual dinner. Besides it's been ages since we spent the time together and watching TV like this." Jungshin pulled Jonghyun's arms and let him sat beside him.

For some few times, they really enjoyed the dinner which presented with love by Jungshin ahjumma. They did some chit chat about any random things. After they felt full enough, Jungshin and Minhyuk cleaned the table and brought some fruits and cola.

"Hyung, lets watch Running Man. It's been so long since the last time i watched it. Eii... i have to be their guest before. But Yonghwa hyung was always be greed if it come to Running Man." Jungshin took the remote and changed the channel.

"It was because i love you so much, maknae ah! I was worry you'll get hurt. Running man jinjja isn't an easy variety show. It'll need a certain skill so you could win the game. They're incredibly strong persons, you know?"

"Aish... you brag again!" Jungshin glared his Hyung with the 'who cares' glanced.

They laughed unstoppable during the show. Again and again. Yonghwa held his tummy, Minhyuk too and it made him loss his eyes even more. Jungshin kept rolling on the floor while he laughed like an insane. Yes, they were so drown on their laugh. But then Yonghwa realized something that instantly faded his laugh away. He elbowed Minhyuk who still crazily laugh beside him. A few seconds latter, the smile on Minhyuk face also disappeared. Jungshin realized what his Hyung and Minhyuk saw then he stopped himself from laughing too.

It was only Lee Jonghyun who still laugh out loud with his redden face and the tears that fell so swiftly in his cheeks.

'Is this that funny and make him laugh until he got teary? Ania.. is this that hurt.. even when he laugh he could't hold his tears?'

My heart stops all this cold love, my heart breaks into pieces..

My breath stops at this sick love, my breath slowly dies..

Day by day, i weather like a wild flower

A sonata of farewells, words i know without even hearing them..

Oh wanna change. To when we used to love...

CNBLUE – Cold Love

Yonghwa knew that Jonghyun's fort had been crashed. Immediately, he hug his dongsaeng and kept caressing his back. In a few minutes, his laugh changed to be a heartbroken cry. Jonghyun finally burst his cry out.

"Gwaenchanna, Jongie ah! Gwaenchanna! Everything will pass. It will be over soon! Gwaenchanna!"

Jonghyun wasn't had any strength to hid his broken in front of his brothers anymore. He couldn't hold his pain any longer. The memory about her dating another man kept spinning around in his mind and it told him that he had totally loss her. He couldn't pretend to be alright in fact he was really broken. Loosing her felt like lost in space with no oxygen inside. Felt like loosing every dreams he had then he didn't know anymore what his future going to be. The world became meaningless. Empty yet felt so narrowed and hard to breath. He miss her. He couldn't hold that anymore. He could be dying if he wasn't cry. At the moment, he let himself sobbed hardly in Yonghwa's embraced.

"Eottokhae, Hyung.. i miss her. I miss her to the point where i thought i had go crazy. Eottokhae..." He whispered amidst his sob.

"Ahra! I know how hurt it is for you. Mianhae, Jongie ah, for now... the only thing i can do is just hold you like this. Gwaenchanna, just cry as much as you want. Crying out all the misery you got. It's okay..."

I close my eyes..

And dream of you and i

And than i realize..

There’s more to love than only bitterness and lies

I close my eyes...

I’d give away my soul to hold you once again..

And never let this promise end..

Josh Groban – Broken Vow

For the first time since their first journey as CNBLUE, that was their first emotional moment after 5 years together. Indeed, their brotherhood wasn't made by blood. But 5 years together wasn't kidding. They'd through so many hardships as a group. No wonder if their chemistry is closer than with their own family.

Minhyuk looked so busy wiped his tears. Either with Jungshin ahjumma. And Yonghwa as the leader and the elder, he had to be the strongest. Even though his heart was very broken to see his dongsaeng like that.

Author note :

Again…! Since I’m a diehard Goguma, I wanted to show you that side of Yongseo Love-line even it’s a Deerburning Fanfic. Wished you don’t mind.. Chingu! ^_^