Chapt 1

Why?

Jonghyun POV

(Present)

It feels like a dream. If it is, than i  should find the way to wake up as soon as i can. It’s a bad dream. Ania.. it’s definitely the most painful dream ever. Felt like someone strangled my neck and pressed against my chest so hard. I have to wake up. I have to open my eyes and find you smile at me right there. Yes.. your smile. Your face.

Aah... missing you feels like dying. Im Yoon Ah.. Jongmal bogoshipda..

Tell me his name i want to know...

The way he looks and where you go..

I need to see his face

I need to understand

Why you and i came to an end..

I let you go.. i let you fly..

Why do i keep on asking why..

I let you go..

Now that i found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow..

Josh Groban – Broken vow

I threw my body into my bed. It’s already 2.00 am but i still awaked and couldn't find the way to sleep. Honestly i only slept for 3 or 4 hours every nights. Insomnia had been my best friend since my very first debut with CNBLUE. I used to compossed some songs or wrote some lyrics. I can say that i never felt disturbed by this habbit. But that night, i desperately forced my tired eyes to sleep. I urgently needed to sleep and forget everything about those pains. About her. But the more i tried, the more i fels her existance. The memories of her kept hanging around in my mind and pushed away my sleepy time to somewhere.

Today is the hardest day for me. After this past 3 months and been successfully held my feeling, finally everything just bursted out. Yeach.. i sobbed so hard in front of Yonghwa Hyung, Minhyuk and Jungshin. They finally found out everything about me and Yoona. I was sure that they had already felt the changed in me since a few times ago, but no one dared to asked me directly. Including Hyung.

Now in my head, the news that i’d seen in Minhyuk’s Ipad last afternoon suddenly appeared. That girl, yes.. my girl.. was being reported that she’s officially datting  with a young, handsome, and tallented actor. And that was not a secret that.. that man had falling for Yoona since a long time ago. Even before me. Yes! Lee Seunggi. And finally now, they are really together. Which hurts me the most is.. the public reaction for their news. They immediately accepted Yoona and Lee Seunggi love story so easily. And what? The most lovable couple of the year? Jjinja? Arghh.. mitjindeut!

Suddenly, i felt like i’d been betrayed though i don't know by whom. Somehow, i feel like this world is so unfair to me. But from the deepest part of my heart, i realized that i should have done what Seunggi Hyung did to my girl. Helds her hand like a truly gentleman, and told everyone that she’s mine. That was what Yoona asked from me that night and i couldn't give her that. But for God sake there wasn't any reasons besides i just wanted to kept her longer. I was scared with a lot of 'what if' when peoples knew and then it become the only reason that make us appart in the end.

Either about my career with my bandmate and hers with her group. There was not any necessity for the public to know about our privat life as they were never contributed anything for our happiness. Yes, they’re our fans, and they had been supported our career so far. But it doesn’t immediately give them the right for settled up our life. There's nothing could change my love for her although if i screamed out load ‘This is Im Yoona... My one and only love..!!’.

NOTHING!

But i never expected that those simple words were really important for Yoona. The girl whom i wanted to make her happy and taking good care of her for the rest of my life. The girl who became the biggest reason in my life and the one whom i want to share my future with. I worked so hard with my band, cause i wished oneday...  i would be the man who deserve to standing beside her. I wanted to marry her. I would!

Tsk.. but in the end, tonight i just traped in my room and tried so hard to healed my pain. I already feel tired and almost couldn’t hold this any longer. I terribly miss her. But in another line, i have to forced myself for letting her go and allowed that man to own my angel. And i swear that was !

(Past)

3 Months ago...

My black sport car i’d parked right in front of Han River. That place was like our ‘secret world’  when we wanted to meet. We usually eat pabtingso or just enjoyed a cup of vanilla latte inside my car. Actually, i wanted to took her to my uncle’s restaurant. Beside for the delicious foods, the place was cozy and private enough for the both of us. And the most important thing, that place was save to protected us from ‘the evil eyes’ of paparazzy or the saesang fans. But i didn’t know wae kamjjagi my angel forced me to took her there.

Whatever.. anything for her.

We were remained silent for a moment. Honeslty, i felt awkward at the begining. It wasn't like ussual. But i didn’t take it hard. The only thing i felt that night was.... i missed my baby deer badly. I just tried to broke the silence but....

“It’s already 2 years since i’m with you, Oppa. Am i right?” Finally Yoona broke it first.

“Hmm.. maja. Wae?” I saw her face tenderly.

“Ania. I just thought that you’re not a newbie idol anymore like 2 years ago. You have millions of fans. Not only in Korea, but also you have millions of global fans around the world. CNBLUE nowadays has already excepted by every segments. I’m proud of you, because you’re strong enough to protect me now. So.. i think there’s nothing more reasons for us to keep our love as a secret like this. Don’t you feel tired, Oppa? Everytime we have a date we shall dressed up like this? Igae mwo yah? Big Jacket, baseball cap, casual jeans and tee, sunglasses and this masker.. damn... i hate this stuffs. I feel like we’re going to plunder a bank. It’s not a date, Oppa. And i’ve already tired.”

I didn’t know why my angel suddenly brought that topic. She was right, we'd been together for 2 years and so far.. there was nothing to complained. Everything was perfect and flew normally eventhough we'd through it with the abnormal way... like she said. But from the begining, we were both really awared with every risk and possibilities we would get in the future because of our career. We were fine. But.. what happened with her? I thought, maybe she just tired with all her hectic schedules, or maybe that day was her monthly period. I noticed, she was so quiet since the first time she entered my car. I even didn’t see her angel smile that i hardly missing after almost a month we didn’t meet.

Yeah, blame it to our schedules which was never been matched for this past few weeks. It was desperately hard for me to met my Yoona. And that night, i swear i missed her badly and urgently needed an ammunition to refilled my power after my long tour with CNBLUE. I needed to be huged, like everytime Yoona did to revived my weariness. So i just percieved her statment with a smile.

“Aish.. what happen with you, angel?“ I pinched her red nose. But my girl still hiding her smile from me.

“Wae? Nae Yoona must be really tired with your new drama, right? Here.. Come to me..” I stretched out my hands and gave her a sign to hurriedly immersed her body in my arms. And there we were.. She embraced me so i could smell her lime and pear shampoo by her wavy brown hair. Owh.. i swore i terribly missed my baby deer.

“Oppa...” Her voice sound so mellow.

“Hmm..?” I still want to held her body like that. I closed my eyes and kissed her head.

“What am i to you? How important am i to you?”

The last sentence was create an alien feeling in my heart. I couldn’t describe what exactly it was. My intuition said that there was something bothered Yoona’s mind now. I inhaled a deep breath. Actually, i tried to calmed my self after heard those non sense questions. I released her body from my arms. I looked deeply into her eyes.

“Wae? Why do you suddenly asking those stupid questions? Do you started to untrusted me?” Without i even noticed, i gripped her hands so tight.

“Ania.. Oppa! Just a little bit curious. Suddenly i just wanna hear from you about who am i in your life.”

She bowed her head and began to played her fingers out of the blue. Her eyes looked so sad. For a moment, i just stiff and tried to disgested what the meaning of her questions. Was it just because of her weariness so she became over sensitive, or there was something that i didn’t know? Honestly, i started to felt affraid but i didn’t want to took any risks. Once again, i tried harder to stay cool and calm.

“Hey, baby.. you know the answer even without you asked me. You know how much i love you, i want you, i need you to be a part of my life. I don’t even dare to think how scary my world gonna be if you’re not exist inside it. I never imagining to build my home with another woman but you. I don’t want to face this world alone and the only person whom i wished to have a journey with is you. Everything that i had done, my career, my hard works, that’s all i did because i want to be the man whom equal enough to make you happy. Is there anything that you still want to know? Are you still need many more reasons why do i love you this way? Isn't it obvious enough for you, honey?”

My voice began to croaked. I looked at her eyes deeper. I felt like something pressed my throat and i couldn’t produced my voice clearly. That was just a simple explained as my answer to her. But it was hurts when those freaking fears suddenly hunted me. Again, my intuition said there might be something wrong with my girl. And one more time  i forced my self to stayed cool and calm. Again and again. I wished.. the thing that i’d scared the most was never be happened.

“Jongmal?” She asked. Still avoiding my eyes.

“Wae? Are you doubting me?”

Finally, i pushed my self to said those words. But then Yoona looked even sadder than before. I cupped her face and caressed her cheek tenderly. I gazed her eyes so deeply.

“Honey, what’s the matter? You’re not like my Yoona as usual. Is there something bother your mind? Just tell me, baby! I’ll always here! Don’t scary me like this.”

I touched her face gently. Her eyes began misty. For God sake, I’d already scared with an uncertain reason. And a moment latter, tears started falling on her pale cheeks. Panic. I was so panic!

“Omo.. Yoona ah.. Wae geurae? Why do cry?” I immediately wiped her tears on my palm with my thumbs.

“Oppa, can’t we just let everybody knows about our relationship? We just need to face all the possiblilities together. I’ll never let your hands as long as you never let mine. Come on, Oppa! Let them know the truth. This love is not a crime, so we shouldn’t have to be affraid. I beg you, Oppa. Could you?”

She pleaded me with her teary eyes. My defense was almost felt down for her stupid request only because i hated to saw her crying and wanted to chased away her sorrow although i didn’t even know what was the reason behind it.

“Ah.. Yoona ah, wae kamjjagi? Why do you think that we urgently have to do that? Don’t you feel better if our story just flew away like this? Without interfered by anyone else. This past 2 years was very amazing for me, and i never feel happier than this before. Yoona, not everyone will be happy with our happiness, neither will be suffer with our sadness. Don’t you forget what you ever said to me, that ‘saesang fans’ is more dangerous than an assassin? Baby, the most important thing is my commitment to you. With or without PDA, there’s nothing can changed my promise to you.” 

My Yoona was cry even harder. She covered her face with her palms. The view was break me and marked an agony in my heart.

“Yoona, just tell me.. what’s exactly you want to say? You’re really not yourself. You hide something from me, i know it. Please, baby.. just tell me! Give me a chance to heal your pain.” I was never tired to calmed my self which was getting harder than before.

Her sobs slowly being decreased. She managed her emotion and tried to regulated  her breath as normal as before. Her fingers was trembling but she tried to wiped the tears on her face. Unconsciously, my hands was shaking too. 'Please.. don’t be... please..!' I couldn’t think properly.

“Mianhae, Oppa! You must be confused. Me myself also doesn’t know what exactly happened to my life. But, Oppa..” Her voice started to croaked once again as the tears falling from her swollen eyes even though i could see she tried so hard to held her sobs.

“Oppa, what if you suddenly faced the choise between your career and i? Which one you gonna willing to loss?”

Buggg!!! Felt like a big rock had fallen and crashed my head. I lost my self for a few seconds before my consciousness brought me back. What the hell just happened to my girl?

“Morago? Yoona, i’m totally lost and i couldn't get what you mean. Why should i answer your ridiculous question? I even never placed my self into that stupid dilemma. I’d promised to you that i’ll love you and taking good care of you with all my life. Either with my career. I’ll work harder for being a capable musician and have a long career with my band. You and my career are 2 kind of things that should always be exist in my life. Without my career, how could i make you happy? And also without you, my career will be nothing. I know it’ll take a while before this promise is fulfilled and we still have to through a lot of hardships to make it real, but even so, I hope.... i really hope... there won’t be any room for hecitansy or fear in your heart when it comes to what i feel for you. So  just stop being overanalizing the things that wouldn't be happen between us. Yoona... honey, Jebbal... just wait for a little bit longer. Hhm...?!”

For God sake, i was shaking. I could feel the whole of my body started to lost it strength.

“What if my time is not longer that much, Oppa? For how many longer i should keep waiting? Are you sure, when you finally ready than everything wouldn’t be late? I...”

Yoona covered her face with her palms and sobbing even more. And me... of course i was shocked like hell. The words that i just heard before turned to be the scariest sound i ever heard.

”Mwo? What do you mean, Yoona? What with ‘you have no more time’? Yoona... are you sick? Which one that you feel sick? Hah? Just tell me and for God sake, just enough for drag me insane!!!”

Finally, i lost my deffense. I couldn’t be calm after heard it. Of course! Who are in this world would keep on relaxed after heard that your girl had no longer much time?

“Ania, Oppa.. Nan gwaenchanna! I’m fine and i’m healthy. I’m not going to die that fast.” Yoona answered between her sob. Suddenly i felt so relieved. Oh.. God, i almost got a heart attacked when i thounght something bad just happened with her.

“Oppa, the thing that i want you to know is... i really need your admission as soon as possible. I need  the public to know that i’m yours. Tell the world, that i’m yours, Oppa!! And tell them that you gonna protected me. Can you, Oppa?”

Oh my God, what the hell was wrong with Yoona? What kind of thing that turned my angel to became such a stubborn girl like that? I was speechless and i didn’t know how to do.

“Yoona, i'm really confuse. I am! What’s the matter with this all? I don’t know what to do. What’s the urgency then you suddenly asked me to do this? Why do you so stubborn and hardly to understood? At least, give me an exact reason that i can decide it properly. You drive me crazy, Yoona ah! It’s really....”

“Ahrasso, Oppa. I got it.” She inhaled and exhaled her breath heavily before continued her words. And i still lost with my confusion.

“Oppa, you shouldn’t forced you self anymore. For this past two years, you’d been doing the best for me. For us. You were always protected me and treated me so lovely. I’m really greatful for that. But.. Oppa, there’s something in this world that couln’t be solved just by waiting. In my position, i guess i can’t wait any longer. Mianhae, Oppa! For a kind and lovely person like you, i just a stubborn and selfish girl.”

She was cry again. Crying so sadly and broke my heart even more. I mused like a statue. I lost my words and suddenly...

“Let’s break up, Oppa...” I was breezed. Felt like my soul just left my body along with her words. Her voice sounded so weak yet broke my heart terribly.

Once again, i felt like a bigger rock had attacked my head quitely hard. This time, i lost my self longer than before. 'Ania!!! It should be a dream!' I repeated that sintence again and again in my head. 'Andwe!! Jinjja andwe! My Yoona wouldn’t be this cruel to me.' But suddenly her voice brought my sense back.

“Mianhae, Oppa! I have no other choice. Take care. Jjalgara...” Her right hand tried to open the handle door beside her seat but quickly i grabbed it.

“Kajima! Jebbal...”

So weakly, my voice almost unheard but i forced my throat to be sounded clearly. I wished she heard me. The warm liquids suddenly felt uncontrollably from my two  eyes. I couldn’t bear that pain anymore. That was too much. To excepted the fact that the woman whom i loved the most after my mom just asked me to let her go while i didn't know what the genuine reasons were. Andwe! I couldn’t do that!

Yoona canceled her plan to exiting my car. She stared at me whom already drowned in sobbed. I was cry without sound. I couldn’t looked her back and just held myself for not crying louder. Her tremble hands tried to reached my face. She started to wiped my tears with her thumbs and a few seconds latter i bursted my tears out and sobed even harder. I held her hands in my face. I swore, i never cried this hard before. I never felt as fear as i felt that night. I didn’t care how many tears she might seen in my ugly face. I didn’t fu**in’ care with my pride or my ego as a man. The only thing i knew was... my heart felt so aching. I couldn't bear the pain she caused to me unfairly. I needed to let her knew how bad the wounds she just made.

“Oppa, please.. understand me. I just don’t want to make you tired even more. So do i. For now, this is the best thing that i can do for our sake.” She was sob as hard as me.

“What do i do wrong, Yoona? What’s my fault?” I tried to asked her amidst my sobs.

“Opso! You never done any fault, Oppa. Just pretend that i'm the only one who changed. Think that i’m not Im Yoona whom you ever knew. You’re innocent, Oppa. The one who had ruined everything is me.”

“GEUNDAE WAE?!!!!” I couldn’t hold on anymore. I just shouted her beyond my control.

“Geunyang marhaebwa, Yoona! Just tell me the reasons! Why-you-do-this to me? Just because i refused to take this relationship  publicly, are you seriousely want to leave me? This damn easy? !!! Yoona.. non mitjoseo?!!” I admited, at the moment i failed to restrained my emotion. I didn’t know anymore what the difference between my anger and my pain that night.

“Geurae!! Just called me crazy, Oppa. I am. That’s the reason why you can’t stay with me anymore. Maja, Oppa! I’m sick of your cowardliness so i choose to leave! I’m tired, Oppa! I’m desperately tired! Geugae jebbal... let me go. Let’s end everything...”

The she left that way. Her words kept on resounded in my head along with her steps that created a distance between us. She left me alone in my car without even looked back. Im Yoona... a half of my life has really gone....

I’ll go for miles ‘till i find you

You say you want to leave me

But you can’t choose

I’ve gone thru pain

Every day and night

I feel my mind is going insane

Something i can’t fight

Don’t leave me..

Don’t leave me..

Green day – Don’t Leave Me

(Present)

It’s already 3.45 am and i still awake with the rest of those bitter memories. I looked at my cellphone and i could see her face as it wallpaper.

“Yoona ah.. are you happy, now? Now you have him who'll give you everything. You’re free now for showing your shine wherever you will go with him. You’re free to hold his hand and showing the whole world that you’re happy with the one whom you called him proudly as ‘boy friend’. Have a romantic date with a beautiful gown and make up. Without jacket, hat, sunglasses and that damn masker. You’re free now, angel. Jarieseo, lovely... although you are the cruelest girl in my life but... you desereved for all of those happiness. And i’m aware that i never gave you that all.”

I talked to my self while looking at her picture longingly. I thought i was smile but i didn’t understand why the tears kept falling while i smiled. Aah... jinjja! When do these pains will totally get lost from my life?

I covered my face with my pillow soon after i realized that my smile would immedietely turned to be a sob. And i hated everytime my tears falling without cover. Although i know that i was alone in my room and nobody could see my weakness but still... at least i didn’t want to looked so broken in front of myself.

Can’t sleep, i just can’t breath..

When your shadow is all over me, baby..

Don’t wanna be a fool in your eyes

‘cause what we had was built on lies..

And when our love seems to fade away..

Listen to me, hear what i say..

I don’t wanna feel the way that i do

I just wanna be right here with you

I don’t want to see.. see us apart

I just wanna say it straight from my heart

I miss you..

Westlife – Miss You