Chapt 2

Reason..

Yoona POV

It’d been 3 months since the last time i saw him cried. But felt like it was yesterday when i forced my feets to walked away from his car. The scars in my heart still felt the same. As hurt as the night when i made the man whom i loved the most threw away his pride and sobbed on his car. I hurted him. In the end, my love hurted him so badly. Yes, i'm deserve for every pains i hold now. My ego, my pride and my feeling that i called it love had been made the best man in my life through the hurtful life. Jonghyun Oppa was innocent. Yes, i knew it. And that was my reason to took this path. I chose to left from his life and never ever shared my missery with him. It would be better to hurt him now so i won’t hurt him more in the future. Time would help him mending those pains, i do believe it.

(Past)

I entered his black sport car a few times after it stoped right in front of me. I found that man smiled at me and let me in. His signature dimple smile that already been my heaven for this years. Yes. Lee Jonghyun, the president of my heart since 2 years ago. It started from the YongSeo love line. After their WGM, and then they took their story into a real relationship, accidentally made CNBLUE and SNSD had to met more often. We were keep our relationship behind their back while they were busy with those YONGSEO love stories. But it didn't take longer. 6 months latter, we had finally been cought. And you know.. how crazy my eonnies were, either with the CNBOYS when all of them found it.

There was nobody forbid our relationship. Neither with my group, his band, our managements, and our families, as well. They were all support us with a big note 'NO PUBLICLY' always in an emphasized terms. Of course, we were definitely know the basic rule from the both of our agencies. We didn't mind. Since we were work on the same industry, we accepted it and enjoyed it.

That night, the wind blew in the end of autumn. It was quitely cold and almost felt like stabing every cavities of my spine. I felt my step so weak when i remembered that that night was my last time with him. Me.. Im Yoona would becoming the cruelest woman ever in his life. I was absolutely sure with my final decision. In the name of love, my love for him, seperated was the best way for us. Crazy, right?

My Appa had a good business. His company was quitely big at property sector. He had been pioneering his business since he was young. Almost a half of his life was being dedicated for it. Until it got bigger and bigger than finally had some branches in Japan and Hongkong. In the middle of last summer, Appa had involved a cooperation with an American developer and construction company. I didn't know how and why, suddenly uri Appa and his company were indebted with a fantastic nominals. His money, his assets, his company even our house, we lost it. Yes. We were seriously bangkrupt.

It was a big pressure for my father. Fastly, these situations made him depression and there was a day when my mother found him almost commited suicide. Fortunately, uri eomma found him sooner or our family should be facing another tragedy.

It was desperate me too. It hurted to saw my parrents at this point. My savings and my personal assets that i got from my career as an idol and actrees, i gave them all of mine. But still, that wasn't enough to paid appa's debts.

In the middle of these circumstances, while my sense couldn’t think for the better solution, finally i made a crazy decision. I offered myself to be an equipment for settled all the rest of my father's debts. Yes. I offered my life to a 47 years old man whom i never met before. Of course uri eomma was immedietely scold me and cursed me for being crazy. She was right. Indeed, this reality was drove me insane. But if that craziness was the only thing that could released my family from these terrible suffers, i would do that willingly.

Yes. I'm getting married with Park Junsu. A single chaebol who owned the biggest department store in Korea. He wasn't a bad guy who tried to blackmailed my family. Of course that stupid idea was come from my mind. He was an ordinary entepreneur who got the financial loss as my father which caused by that american constructor company. And my appa was the only one who should take the responsibility.

I met Park Junsu Ssi only twice. First time, when i offered my self as my father’s last asset to him. And the twice, when he invited me to met him. At the time, he said that he received my offered. We getting married as soon as possible. I felt so relieved in a side because one problem had been solved. But in another side, i felt my world has been dissolved. Yes, Im Yoona's world has really end.

Suddenly the whole world became so dark. I couldn't see anything. My life, my career, my future, my dreams, everything just disappeared in a blink of eye. And my Jonghyun, my love, tsk... i was gonna be crazy because i had to loss him too. Aaaaaahh!!! I really wanted to scream out load.

Unconsciously, we were arrived at Han River East Cannal. Our secret land everytime we had to date. A gentle caress on my cheek brought my sense back. And an angel smile i could see so lovely in his face. In the name of God, i swear, i was terribly missed him. After almost a month i wasn’t feel his warmed and embraced, i really wanted to ran into his arms and said ‘Neomu bogoshiposeo, Oppa! Jebbal, save me...!’

But i locked my mouth from all those stupid words. I had no plan to shared this suffers with him. Never!!! I would never ever ruined his future and made him acted foolishly just for his stupid love to me. I regulated my breath, and forced my bravery to started this crazy scenario of mine.

“It’s been 2 years since i’m with you, Oppa. Am i right?” Finally i broke the silence.

“Hmm.. maja. Wae?” He stared at my face tenderly.

“Ania. I just thought that you’re not a newbie idol anymore like 2 years ago. You have millions of fans. Not only in Korea, but also you have millions of global fans around the world. CNBLUE nowadays has already received by every segments. I’m proud of you, because you’re strong enough to protect me now. So.. i think there’s nothing more reasons for us to keeping our love as a secret like this. Don’t you feel tired, Oppa? Everytime we have a date we shall dressed up like this? Igae mwo yah? Big Jacket, baseball cap, casual jeans dan tee, glasses and this masker.. damn... i hate this stuffs. I feel like we’re going to plunder a bank. It’s not a date, Oppa. And i’ve already tired.”

I could clearly see in his eyes that my words made him shocked. But my Oppa keep smilling at me and tried to calmed me down. If he only knew that that night i felt like swallowed a bottle of poison which would be killing me slowly. My heart beated so fast and the aching in my heart was getting real. Actually, i just started a thing to made him mad. I just wanted to created some bickering and than everything would be easier to be ended. Yes. My decision was never changed. I would breaking up with him.

“Aish.. what happen with you, angel?“ I swear, he tried harder to made me smile but you know... the more i fused on my ‘drama’, the more i couldn’t hold the pain.

“Wae? Uri Yoona must be really tired with your new drama, right? Here.. Come to me..”

He opened his arms and asked me to came and sinking on his embraced. 'Oh no.. don’t do that, Oppa..! everything would getting harder for me.' But for God sake, i couldn’t refuse that offered, since i also desperately needed to be huged. I quickly drowned my body on his arms. His last caress. My last time to felt the warmest place i ever had everytime i felt so down and weary. I wanted to stoped the time. I didn’t want to open my eyes only to facing that horrible fate.

“Oppa..” I forced my throat to be sounded between my effort to held my sob.

“Hmm..” He still held me tight. That time i felt his lip kissed my head. His hands tenderly caressed my back. God, i would rather died than to ever made him hurt.

“What am i to you? How important am i to you?”

Nan jinjja pabo saram! Finnaly, i started it. I cursed my self again and again when i found his eyes was looked at me with his question gazed. I couldn’t describe how hurting i was as i could clearly seen the fear in his eyes.

“Wae? Why do you suddenly asked me that stupid question? Do you untrusted me?”

“Ania.. Oppa! I just a little bit curious. Suddenly i just wanna hear from you about who am i on your life.”

I bowed my head down and started to played my fingers like a kid. I didn’t brave to looked at his face because i knew that i would end up crying just in seconds. I could feel he was shaking too and i knew that he started to be nervouse.

“Hey, baby.. you even know the answer without you asked me. You know how much i love you, i want you, i need you to be a part of my life. I don’t even dare to think how scary my world gonna be if you’re not exist inside it. I never imagined to build my home with another woman but you. I don’t want to face this world alone and the only person whom i wished to have a journey with is you. Everything that i’ve done, my career, my hard works, that’s all i did because i want to be the man whom equal enough to make you happy. Is there anything that you still wan’t to know? Are you still need many more reasons why do i love you this way? Isn't this enough for you, honey?”

His voice began to croaked. I could feel his fear. His hand kept on shaking in my grasp. His  gazed pricking my eyes deeper. I swear, i believe in everything he said and never felt doubt even just a little bit.

“Jongmal?” I stupidly asked.

“Wae? Are you doubting me?” His trembling hands cupped my face and caressed my cheek tenderly.

“Honey, what’s the matter? You’re not like my Yoona as usual. Is there something bother your mind? Just tell me, sweety! I’ll always here! Don’t scary me like this.”

He touched my face  so gently. And a moment latter, tears that i’d held so hard finally started to fell in my cheeks. Oppa was so panic! Immediately, he wiped my tears with his thumbs.

And then, i started to asked him that stupid demand although i knew that Oppa would instantly rejected it. Carefully, he tried to explained the reasons why did he refused my request. I understood it very well more than anyone.

“Yoona, tell me.. what’s exactly you want to say? You’re really not yourself. You hide something from me, i know it. Please, baby.. just tell me! Give me a chance to heal your pain.” His question was just made my sob got harder. The best man in my life, i just hurted him that bad.

“Oppa, what if you suddenly faced the choise between your career and i. Which one you gonna willing to loss?” Those angelic eyes immediately turned to be so melancholic. He gripped my hands even tighter.

“Morago? Yoona, i’m tottaly lost and i couldn’t get what you mean. Why should i answer your ridiculous question? I even never placed myself into that stupid dilemma. I’d promised you that i’ll love you and taking good care of you with all my life. Either with my career. I’ll work harder for being a capable musician and have a long career with my band. You and my career are 2 kind of things that should always be exist in my life. Without my career, how can i make you happy? And also without you, my career will be nothing. I know it’ll take a while before this promise is completely fulfilled and we have to through a lot of hardships to make it real. But even so, I hope... i really hope...

there won’t be any room for hesitancy or fear in your heart when it comes to what i feel for you. So just stop being overanalizing things that wouldn't be happen between us. Yoona... honey, Jebbal... just wait for a little bit longer. Hhm...?!”

“What if my time is not longer that much, Oppa? For how long i should keep on waiting? Are you sure, when you really ready than everything wouldn’t be late? I...”

”Mwo? What do you mean, Yoona? What with ‘you have no more time’? Yoona... are you sick? Which one that you feel sick? Hah? Just tell me and for God sake, enough for drag me insane!!”

Suddenly his composure changed to became so nerves and i could feel it by the way he touched my face, my head, my hands. I knew, Oppa was absolutely scared.

“Oppa, the thing that i want you to know is... i really need your admission. I need  the public to know that i’m yours. Tell the world, that i’m yours, Oppa!! And tell them that you gonna protected me. Could you, Oppa?”

“Yoona, i'm really confuse. I am!! What’s the matter with this all? I don’t know what to do. What’s the urgency then suddenly you asked me this? Why do you being this stubborn and hardly to understood? Give me an exact reason so i can decide it properly. You drive me crazy, Yoona ah! It’s really....”

“Ahrasso, Oppa. I got it.” I tried to calmed my self. I swore, it felt like in hell to hurted him that way.

“Oppa, you shouldn’t forced you self anymore. For this past two years, you’d been doing the best for me. For us. You were always protected me and treated me so lovely. I’m really greatful for that. But.. Oppa, there’s something in this world that couldn’t be solved just by waiting. In my position, i guess i can’t wait any longer. Mianhae, Oppa! For a kind and lovely person like you, i just a stubborn and selfish girl.”

I sobbed. I really couldn’t hold this any longer. 'Should i really hurt this man?' That question resounded in my mind over and over until i almost failed and ruined my plan. If only i had another way than i hadn’t to said those missery words, i would through that way. But in the end...

“Let’s break up, Oppa...”

It felt like swallowed the broken glasses when i said  those words. If i should do those lies to protect him, then i would. I didin't care if those lies would make this pain even bitter.

Silent. For a few minutes he just stared at me blankly. I could see the mist in his eyes. But then he bowed his head not even looked at me. That missery face broke my heart even more.

“Mianhae, Oppa! I have no other choice. Take care. Jjalgara...” 

The man that i loved the most just quiet in the silence. And for the first time in my life, i saw the tears fell from his eyes. That Busan namja started to cried. He forgot about his pride and prestige as a man. Oh.. God, i really made that man sobbed. I couldn’t bear it. I just wanted to escaped from his car as soon as possible. But suddenly his grip stoped me.

"Kajima!! Jebbal!!"

His voice almost unheard. He cried even hander when i cupped his face with my palms. I swore, Lee Jonghyun sobbed painfully in front of my two eyes. For a few minutes he bowed his head while holding his pain. I knew he tried really hard to hid his tears. And those tears almost overthrew my fortress. I found my  shaking hands caress his face. I knew i shouldn't do that coz it would made it harder. But for God sake, it hurted me to the point where i thought i would die. He grabed my left hand on his face tightly and cried painfully. I didn't want to released him either, i swore.

I strengthen my heart to left. And finally, i really left him on his car. I never felt the pain like i felt that night. It is over. My world is over.

Please, be happy..

I hope that you will always be someone who shines brightly..

Saying goodbye with a smile..

A little more..

Now it’s goodbye..

Farewell, we’re saying goodbye now..

My love, my precious love

As warm as the suns rays.. You who hugs me..

Kim Taeyeon - Bye

"Oppa mianhae! Don't ever forgive me. Geunyang ajik do.. jongmal mianhaeseo! Saranghae, Lee Jonghyun!!" Along with my steps i cried so hard. Even on the cab which made the driver got confused.

I walked alone at the sidewalk in the direction to my dorm. Honestly, i was exactly not concerned to where my feets would take me. Im my head, i could only hear his voice resounded over and over again.

'Kajima !! Jebbal!!'

And the gazed of sorrow in his eyes, the tears that kept on falling unendurable, the sobs that he hardly tried to held, i was ready if those things will haunting me for the rest of my life. Well, since i didn't know anymore what the meaning of life itself.

Suddenly i lost my balance. My body wobbled  over and over felt like gonna be fell. The world kept spinning and just in any seconds i couldn't remember anything.

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Note : Hihihi... Jeoseohamnida.. if the story is a little bit sad..

It was break my heart ( a little bit ) when Yoona and Seunggi announched their relationship. Then i tried to write my feeling through this story. ^_^