Chapt 4

It's Not Over...

Yoona POV 

(Present)

I miss him. Those words that could only describe what did I feel for these torturing 3 months. I was a coward and haven't any courage to call him first. I was afraid, will he answer my phone? Or.. will he listen to what am i going to say? Will he forgive me that easy?

I swear, i terribly miss him. I miss him till I felt like living in the world without air.

But the guilty feeling inside was bigger than that. For God sake, i just wanted to run to him, screamed his name out load and tell him that i missed him so much. I love him and how stupid i was for let him go that way. For hurt him that bad. For being a jerk who played with his love.

But, isn't it too late to apologized? How could i fix this mess?

I was about to catch my happiness back with Jongie Oppa, but....

“Yoona ah.. Ppalli nawa!” I heard Taeyeon eonni call me. She and some other eonnies sat in the living room watching TV together. But why did she call me with an urgent tone? I immediately ran to her.

"I... igae... mwo yah?"

My heart almost stop beating when i found the news that running on TV.

'Oh My God, what the heck it is? What's more?'

"Im Yoona, one of halyu idol and actress as we known of SNSD's member was being caught by paparazzi few times ago. She had a luxurious dinner at an Italian restaurant with a man named Park Junsu whom suspected as an owner of the biggest dept store in South Korea. Both SNSD, SM or Yoona in person still not confirmed this news yet. But from those photos we can assumed that she really had a private dinner. A premature indication, Yoona had been proposed by Park Junsu Ssi and they are on their preparation to getting married this Summer. The both of their families had final to choose the date and the place for the luxury wedding party.

This is not the first time this couple had been caught by the camera. One night, some citizen’s camera captured this couple just came out together from a grand hotel which is owned by Park Junsu's family.

Until this news released, both of the couple, families and also SM ent still not giving some clarification. Just wait and see... Is Im Yoona going to ended her career to become Mrs. Park Junsu?"

The narrations were enough to freeze my body. And those photos... 'oh God, isn't it finish?' I couldn't deny every single things that we'd seen together. And it doesn't need a lot of time to realized that every pair of eyes were looking at me. From their every stares i knew that they need my explanation ASAP. But suddenly, i felt my feet so weak, and i found my body slowly dropped on the floor. Immediately my eonnies and maknae ran closer to grab my body.

"Yoona ah.. gwaenchanna?" Yuri eonni was the closest one. She caught my body than sat beside me. Soon after that, i felt her palm touched my forehead, my cheek, and my head to made sure that i was fine. I stiff. I was so speechless. I wanted to explain every single things, but my legs folded and shaking.  In the end... i just let them saw my tears which soon to be a hard sobbed. I burst out all my tears. How tiring this rollercoaster of my life! I was so tired!! Yuri eonnie embraced me and patted my back gently.

Above all of curiosity, my eonies more concerned to what i was feeling that moment. I knew, they felt so worried about my healthiness since i lost my appetite for almost 5 months. Who doesn't know Im Yoona as the food machine? I could gobble all the foods on the table in a few minutes. But after the tragedies which seems wouldn’t be end yet, i got insomnia, and it made me lost a lot of weight.

My eonnies and our maknae stared at me with their worried gazed.

"Gwaenchanna, Yoona ah, we'll always be by your side. Don't worry. Don't be afraid. But Honey, we need to know the truth. What is this all about? Would you tell us?"

Taeyeon eonnie held my hand. Her soft touched and sincerity gazed felt like she want to comforted me. At the same time, the ring on our phones had rang in unison. I was so sure, it would related to the news before.

"Everyone, please... just turn off your phones! Don't anyone dare to pick up!" Taeyeon eonnie commanded to all of us then we immediately followed her order.

Finally, i started to told them everything. From the beginning when this tragedy happened to my family, about Jonghyun Oppa, and about Seunggi Oppa's assistances to resolved my stupidity. They close their mouth with their palms in the unison. Seems like they couldn't believe with all the things that i'd done. Only in a few seconds, they hurriedly came closer, hug me and cried with me.

"Yak!!! Neol ppabo ya? Im Yoona!!! How could you do this to me? Why did you hide it all from us? You chose to shouldered your suffer alone? Neol mittjoseo? Don't you count us as your family? Nappeun yeoja!"

Yuri eonnie kept hitting my arms. She shouted at me amidst her sobs. I understand, Yuri eonnie should be the angriest one. She's my roommate since our first debut. And we were never hid anything from each other.

"Mianhaeo, Eonnie! Jalmothaeseoyo! I just didn't want to burdened you all with my problem. This is the hardest thing i'd ever got in my life. I knew, my life has really changed because of it. I didn't want to ruined your focus to our comeback. Mianhaeo, for being so selfish. I never thought that the things would getting bigger like this.

Honestly, i thought my life had already ended. My career and also my future, everything had vanished. I even devised to resigning the group soon after i determined my wedding day. I'm really sorry.. eonnie, Seohyunie, i had not any choices that time." My sobs was getting harder. At the same time, Yuri eonnie hug me tighter and cried hard with me.

"Jinjja pabo ah! Why did you choose to suffer alone?" Yuri eonnie kept patting my head and my back.

"Eonnie, don't you think that Jonghyun Oppa deserved to know the truth? Everything is over, and i'm pretty sure that he wait for your explanation now, Eonnie!" Our maknae brought back my mind to my plan before that news aired.

"I was about to tell him everything today, Hyunie. I feel like in hell too after i hurt him that bad. I miss him." I cried again when suddenly his face appeared in my mind.

"But... but after this scandal news, i don't know where i suppose to fixed this all. The wounds that i gave to him must be still felt as hurt as that night. And now, he have to see this kind of scandal about me? Hyunie, i'm not sure that he'll forgive me that easy. How can I face him, now?"

"Eonnie, Yong Oppa and i will help you. We're all here will help you to explain everything. Geok cheongma." Maknae griped my hands tightly.

"Yonghwa Oppa told me that lately, Jonghyun Oppa looked like he'd lost his sense. He did his works everyday like a robot. Actually, he really looked like a zombie. Like a body without feeling or soul. Yonghwa Oppa had an expect that something might be happened between you and him. For nth times Yonghwa Oppa asked me about you, but lately you rarely came to our dorm, so i had no chance to asking you this. And now i know, what the problem is. Haah... no wonder if the man that i knew as a very strong and energetic person suddenly looked so quiet and unhappy."

My heart felts so aching even more, when i heard what maknae said. I changed the man whom full of dreams and ambitions to become a hopeless person. Oh.. God, eottokhae?

Suddenly, sounded like someone opened the door. Oh... Manager Oppa came...

For almost an hours, we had a serious discuss. Finally, our management decided to bring my relationship with Jonghyun Oppa publicly. They will do it purposely to muffle the scandal about me and Park Junsu. That was the only way to solved this problem instantly without resting any polemics. Our management assured me that they will make a negotiation with FnC about it. He said, i only need to discussed it with Jonghyun Oppa.

Geurae! Isn't it sound like dejavu?

I'd asked him this kind of stupid thing once, and like everybody seen, we broke up! I knew, this separation is my own craziness and the topic about ‘Go Public’ was just a stupid excuse that i purposely brought to made this broke up easier. But if once again i had to asked the same thing to Jonghyun Oppa, and it means i bet his future for my career's sake FOR DAMN REAL, what the hell will gonna be happen? I must be a shameless one... aniya... i'm a heartless person  if i really agree with this ridiculous idea. If i really dare to do it, then i'm definitely not a human! I even have no chance to asked his forgiveness. And how could i play with his heart for twice?

"Shiroyo, Oppa! I don't want to do that! I will never do that!"

I wiped my tears and tried to be stronger. I had to be strong then i could settle all this mess one by one. I was the one who should took the responsibility. I didn't want to bothered his peaceful life again. Either with my eonnies and maknae.  Not any of them who would be drag on my problem. I'll do it by myself.

"Oppa, i'll take care all of this by my self. I don't want to drag Jonghyun Oppa, either with my members onto this problem. I'll never risking his reputation and also his career with CNBLUE. Mianhaeyo, Oppa.. but i'll never do that."

"But Yoona ah, it's the only way for you. It's the most effective way to clean up your name. Don't you feel happy, finally you and Jonghyun can dating publicly? I'm sure, it won't destruct Jonghyun's career nor CNBLUE. You are SNSD Im Yoona, and he is a handsome shining guitarist of CNBLUE. It will be a win-win solution for the both of you. Many fans loves you and Jonghyun being together. I love Lee Jonghyun too. He's a nice person and i do believe him that he'll treat you so well. It'll works for the both of you, Yoona!"

"I know, Oppa. But i'll never used his love as a game that i will play with it whenever i need. I did it to him once, and that's enough to make me become a horrible woman on his life. Geumanhaeo, Oppa. I don't want to be more pathetic than this."

Manager Oppa was not argue me again. For a few moments, we just kept on silence. I inhaled a deep breath. I had to think clearly.

"Oppa, please help me to make a press conference. I'll clarified my scandal by myself. I'm ready for every risks and possibilities after that. I'll never involved our management and also SNSD in every statements that i'll say tomorrow."

"Im Yoona, just stop for being stubborn!" Taeyeon eonnie finally open .

"Are you really not count us as your family? You acted that we're not exist in you life! I know that you feel responsible so you want to fix this all by yourself. But for God's Sake, Yoona! Geunyang saenggakhae! What you gonna do if you have to loss your career? Your Appa had lost all of his assets and companies. You'd lost your savings, assets, house, car, and in the future you have to pay your debts to Seunggi Oppa. How you gonna live after that, Yoona? At least you should protect your career. Your parents will need you for more. Think about that, Yoona!"

Taeyeon eonnie was right. Now i have nothing! Me myself didn't know how to do without my career. But even though i had to loss everything, at least i still have my dignity. How could i save my own career with the way that probably can destruct his and hurt him once again?

"Naega ahrayo, eonnie! Geundae jebbal.. don't force me to be a horrible woman once again with asking Jonghyun Oppa to do this stupid idea. He's on the peak of his career now. If dating publicly is the right option, then i and Jonghyun Oppa had done this for long time ago. But everybody are here knows pretty well, that we have to try so hard to survive in this industry and dating is the most forbidden thing for the idol like us. If we want to keep this career longer, than we should be willing to lose what the ordinary peoples had. Please... understand me, eonnie. I will try my best to solved this all with my own way. I believe that i can through this all. Mostly, coz i know that i always have you all who'll give me strength and love."

Manager Oppa, Taeyeon eonnie and everyone there, no one of them who argued my decision anymore. I didn't know, was that because they were agree with me, or because they were already gave up to handled my stubbornness. But i'm sure with one thing. They are the peoples who'll be in the front line to guard me and support me.

“We are family, Yoong! And we’ll always be here for you. Hhm..?” Fanny eonni caressed my head.

After for years we'd been together as SNSD, through a lot of hardships and happiness during our career journey. But that was the first time we had to face this kind of sorrow. We were never cried this hard no matter how hard the way we stepped. It made me guiltier for causing this mess.

"Hyunie, i beg you one thing. Jebbal... don't ever tell Yonghwa Oppa about my true story. I'm so sure, once he knows, he wouldn't be able to hold himself for not telling this to Jonghyun Oppa." Seohyun gazed me with her teary eyes.

"Hajiman... eottokhaeo, Eonnie... my pnone keep ringing since an hour ago. You should have guess, who is calling me, right? Yonghwa Oppa might be heard the news, and if he's not asking me, who's else? Beside, it's impossible if i say that i know nothing."

Her thought was make sense. Yonghwa Oppa isn't someone who'll care with someone else's business. But since it related to Jonghyun Oppa a.k.a one of his band mate, then he deserved to know the truth. And maknae was right. She couldn't pretend as she doesn't know anything.

"Maja, Seohyun ah. Geurae, would you help me to asked Yonghwa Oppa to come here? Andwe... it's impossible. There are many press out there. If by any chance he just appeared in front of our dorm, it gonna be another scandal. That's not right! Eottokhae? Hmm.... ah.. Hyunie, can you asked him to make a video call tonight? Only if he's not busy. I need to see him in person. I need to tell him anything so he could help his dongsaeng to through this all." Then our maknae nodded.

****

It was 11.35 pm. I was still waiting Yonghwa Oppa to called me. And then Seohyun came to my room and brought her laptop and put it on my table. Yonghwa Oppa was already on the line and he's ready to make a video call with me.

"Oppa, i leave you with Yoona eonnie. I let you two to talk comfortably. I'll wait in my own room, kay?" Seohyun waved her hands to her prince on her laptop screen. And Yonghwa Oppa waved his hand back and gave her his toothy grin. And then she gave me a sign that i can start our conversation privately.

"Anyeonghaseo, Oppa! Mianhaeo, i'm too much to asked you do this. Jeoseonghaeyo, Oppa." I bowed my head and i find him smile sincerely.

"Gwaenchanna, Yoona ah.. i'm free anyway. Besides, i really need to know what happened between you and my dongsaeng. I don't mean to interfering your personal business, jinjja. But since it related to my dongsaeng, i thought i need know the truth. If you don't mind, please tell me, Yoona ah. Because you know... CNBLUE felt like lost our guitarist for this past few months. I had no idea... what happened to the man whom i knew as a strong and a cool one, lately changed into a gloomy person. And this morning news... i didn't know what to say, Yoona ah. I was so shocked."

"Jeoseonghaeo, Oppa! Jalmothaeseoyo..."

I swear, i couldn't hold my tears. It was too much too bear. To heard about how broken my Jonghyun now, it made me realized, how big the mistake i made and how can i beg his forgiveness after all the hell he'd got?

"Uljima, Yoona ah! Gwaenchanna! Mian... i never mean to blame you or burdened you more. I just thought, maybe... the reason behind Jonghyun's changed is related to you. I was about to asked him directly, but.. i couldn't find a right time. He was really drown himself into works. Everytime we were back home, he always straight to his room and sleep. In the morning, he skip his breakfast and went to the studio first. It'd been months and somehow it was confusing. Then i thought.. there's something serious about it."

"Oppa, before i tell you everything, would you promise me something? Jebbal... " Yonghwa Oppa show me his smile once again.

"Mwo yah? You gonna ask me for not telling him and keep it as a secret?" I'm shocked. How could he guessed my request correctly?

"Ahraso, Yoona ah! I'll try to understand your condition either i respect anything you decided. Okay. I won't tell him. But please, i need to know the truth, because i'm the leader of CNBLUE and we live in the same dormitory. Almost 24/7 i should be face him. If you tell me what's the problem, at least I’ll know what to do."

“Gomawoyo, Oppa!”

He's right. At least Yonghwa Oppa is his Hyung. It would be better if i tell him everything. I relieved, he was willing to understand me. I knew, he's a wise and mature Hyung for his dongsaeng. And then, i started to tell him the whole story. From the first time my father got bankrupt, until how the news was begin. Yonghwa Oppa remained silent. He gaped. No words heard from him. He just listened my stories concernedly. I could see through his eyes, he was felt bad for me. His eyes started to misty. I know, he's a man so he won't cry in front of me just like eonnie-deul and maknae did last morning. He tried to smile at me with his sympathetically gazed.

"Yes, call me the most stubborn, selfish and horrible yeoja, Oppa. Now, i don't know how to start to fix my mistakes. I don't know how to beg my apologize to him. I really don't know how to win his heart once again. I don't even think that i dare to see his face again, Oppa. Mostly after this morning news, i'm sure... he would hate me completely."

I saw Yonghwa Oppa inhaled his breath heavily. For a few times, he wiped his face with his palms. Seems like he had a deep thought.

"Yoona, if you allowed me to give you an advice, i think Jonghyun has a right to know. Although we'll never knows what kind of reaction he would give to you after he heard the truth. If i stand on his shoes, maybe i'll madly angry, sad, disappointed, hurt, felt betrayed and.... most of all, i would feel guilty coz i'd let the woman i loved to through all the hardships and her missery alone."

I bowed my head after heard Yonghwa Oppa's said. I felt he gazed me deeper.

"Yoona ah, maybe it would be hard for the both of you at the first. But still... i think Jonghyun need to know! For a few times, maybe he's going really upset. Just let him be! He deserved for that. But when his emotion is fade, i'm sure.. he would understand. I knew him better. And i knew... how much he loves you. Anything he had done to you were the first time he ever did for a woman. Trust me, Jonghyun will open his arms again for you, Yoona ah!"

My tears kept falling. Will Jonghyun Oppa really accepted me again like Yonghwa Oppa’s said?

"But i'm afraid, Oppa. I'm afraid if he never want to see me again."

"Yoona ah, if he didn't miss you, then why did a Busan man like him sobbing and locked himself on his room in the middle of the night? Maybe he didn't know that i heard him. I heard him crying, Yoona!

When the last time we had a concert in Singapore, we sang LIE. It’s his song and he should be dominant on it. But you know? He hadn't finish his part. Suddenly he lost his voice so i had to sang his part until it ending. And when we were realized, that moment we saw him tried so hard to held his tears. Yoona ah, Jonghyun is a man too. He has his pride and ego. But i know, it won't be bigger than his love to you."

Me Please forgive me.. i know not what i do

Please forgive me.. i can’t stop loving you..

Don’t deny me, this pain i’m going through..

Please forgive me.. if i need you like i do

Bryan Adams – Please Forgive

I ended my conversation with Yonghwa Oppa. He promised me to kept this conversation as a secret. I told him that i'm gonna telling Jonghyun Oppa by myself. If only what Yonghwa Oppa said is true, that Jonghyun Oppa would forgive me... i'm willing to wait. But i don't know... i was so afraid.

Bipp....

A message received in Seohyun's laptop which was still on my desk. Accidentally, i read Seohyun's private chat with Yonghwa Oppa.

• Hwaa.. if i was a girl, maybe i would cry so hard alone in my room.  TT_TT
• Hyunn.. do you still awake?
• It was really hurt to heard Yoona's story. Jinjja...
• What should that pabo Jonghyun do now?
• Hyuunn… promise me! Don't ever do that kind of thing to me! Jebbal...
• Because, i couldn't be as strong as Jonghyun
• Please, honey.. just share anything you want, anything you feel with me. Don't ever shoulder any pains or hardship all alone.
• I wouldn't be able to forgive my self if something bad happening to you while i couldn't do anything to help you.
• No wonder, Jonghyun looked so mess for this whole time.
• I knew, he just pretended to be strong in front of us.
• But i had no idea, how could he swallowed these bitter thing alone? We were there. We're always there with him but he shut his stupid mouth like that! And Yoona... God... have she ever thought, how strong she was? They're really a couple made by heaven! Jinjaaa...
• They are really matched in every ways.
• Hyun, if it happened to me, maybe CNBLUE would loss their charismatic vocalist. Kekekek.....
• Yakseokkhae! Don't break my heart, Hyuun... Aratjji?
• Hyuun..?
• Angel?
• Hhm… i guessed you already sleeping, Honey..
• My baby, why don't you turn your laptop off first?
• Geurae.. good night, princess..
• See you in my dream..
• I love you Seo Joohyun. I love you even more than i love myself.
• Sarangahaeeeeee…… Seo Joohyuuuunnnnn!!!!!

Aahh… michindeul! I miss him more! My heart never stopped calling his name.

Oppa eottokhae? The distance between me and your heart is getting farther. You're so far away from me. And this is my fault.

Lee Jonghyun... Bogoshipda!!

Author Note :

Double Update for today. After 2 days being hospitalized, finally I felt my body’s getting better. I’m still lacking here and there.. so please.. leave me a note to improve my works in the future. Thanks… for reading.

Btw, the more I wrote the story.. the more I miss them. And I miss YongSeo too so I wrote some ‘chit-chat’ part like that. Kekekek… hope you don’t mind, chingu-deul ^_^