The following four weeks were a blur. I met up with Mrs. Choi Sooyoung, and did convince (after a bit of hard times she gave me) her to join my case. We both had input on the page that was up and running. The ads were strategically placed. We got a better response than I expected, with almost thirty volunteers that showed up. Their expedition had just taken off a couple of days ago and we were still waiting for a response. 

"Never underestimate the benevolence of your nation." Mother said constantly. "You see where it's going? To find your dearest Chanyeol." She said it proudly, as if Chanyeol was her own son and they were going to save him because he was just worthy of saving. 

I didn't have the heart to tell her that Chanyeol was everyone's son, everyone's brother and everyone's father. He represented family to me, and anyone who did or did not know him. That's why they were all so willing to save him. 

Even Christmas passed by dully. We gathered at Chanyeol's mother's house. We exchanged gifts. I got new socks from her, a nice dress from Yura, a handmade card from Jihong, and (I still have no idea when she bought this for me) a new coffee maker from my own mother. 

The news came back empty. For me, at least, they held no real value. They had found bodies and corpses and almost dead people. They saved lives, they found lost ones. They even found Choi Minho. But they couldn't find Chanyeol. After a while, there was a loss of hope. They lost their purpose so they came back. Was he even alive? They all told me they were sorry, but I only half-heard them. Where was Chanyeol? 

"Seulyoung-imo! Where's Chanyoung?" Soojung asked. She was wearing a party hat and carrying a plate of cake. 

"Oh he must be around somewhere." I said. "After all, this is his birthday party." 

We'd opted for a no-theme party. Just cake, pizza, loot bags, a fun get together, and a movie with popcorn. I heard Soojung exclaim, "Found him!", but I wasn't worried. He couldn't very well have gotten lost in his own house. 

Soonkyu and Baekhyun were there helping me organize the party, make sure everything was fine, because it really needed to be. This party would have been a wreck if they weren't there to hand out the food, the drinks and the fun. I felt guilty and selfish for being like this on my son's birthday, but all the trying in the world couldn't get me out of this half-awake-half-asleep zombie mode. 

"Just a couple of hours." Baekhyun said, passing by me with two plates of pizza in his hands. "Then you can get these children out of here and out of your hair." 

It wasn't the kids that were in my hair. It was this feeling in the pit of my stomach, I couldn't describe it. It was almost as if instinct was telling me that something weird and world-shattering was going to happen today. I tried to dismiss it though, since my gut has never ever proven me right. 

Occupying myself with the popcorn and chips I was filling into colourful bowls I brought it back out to the living room. The kids were getting ready, all of them, even Chanyoung. With their 3-D TV glasses on, they looked like a class full of tiny little nerds. I pushed the DVD into the player and watched the opening even though the blue and red made my eyes cross. I shook my head and walked out, back to the peace and quiet of the kitchen. 

I popped open a can of soda. Taking a big gulp, I gasped as the fizzy bubbles burned their way down my throat. What a feeling. It's like you would just walk through fire to get one glass of water. You would suffer through the fizzy acid-bubbles for that one second of aftertaste. What did that say about people? And what happened when the fire just grew? What if you got there and the glass was empty? Then what? I left my can alone and took a half-empty one that was most likely Soonkyu's. I drank the last little bit of it. The fizz wasn't there, and the aftertaste wasn't as good as it was before. So really you needed the burning feel to make you think that the aftermath was worth it. You needed that fire to make you thirsty. That fire's going to kill you, but at least you could quench your need for water. 

I couldn't stand it. The way we're living as humans. The suffering we go through in the hopes that there's a rainbow after the rainstorm when no one's ever told you that. Where did we get the idea? Others who lived and suffered and still lived? Dare we to compare one person's pain to another's? Dare we to say a child that lost their mother at the store cries as much as a man who's lost his mother to the cruel universe? That child will find his mother by the end of the day. The man? He won't be so lucky. 

Could I even carry on like this? Without Chanyeol, would I even be able to live? Forget living comfortably, could I even provide Chanyoung with a life he deserves? I don't think I could. It would be difficult, were it possible. I feel like everyone else is doing a better job raising my son than I was. My mother, Yura, even that idiot Baekhyun. They were all better caregivers than me; full-time worker, part-time mother. It felt awful, but if I did try to raise Chanyoung myself I fear the depression I tried so hard to hide from the world would rub off on him. Better to have multiple parental figures than one maniac, right? 

"Seulyoung, what're you doing here all by your lonesome?" asked Baekhyun. His smile slipped off of his scarred face. "Are you crying?" 

I wiped my face but there were no tears. My eyes were full, yes, but I hadn't thought it was noticeable. I forced a smile; I was used to doing that these days. 

"Come on, the parents are wondering where you are. We're gonna play some poker, you game?" Baekhyun grabbed my arm, but gave me the chance to reject his offer. When I didn't, he dragged me out of the room. The table was set up near the children still watching their movie. There were five cards set face down in front of an empty seat. I sat down and peeked at my cards; two fours, two fives and a seven. What good is a two pair? I kept on my best poker face. 

On my turn I raised the bet by a few chips. Whatever. The second turn I raised it again.  A few people seemed unsure now. Third turn found me again raising the bet. Nearly everyone gave up at that point, folding. Looking around the table I came to the realization only Baekhyun and I were left playing. What? 

With the way Baekhyun looked, you'd think he had a royal flush. He had an emotionless face going, but it was nothing different than the face he wore outdoors. Lately he's been gett