He stopped writing for four months in a row. The letters just didn't come, no matter how much I waited, and waited some more. Two weeks after the war was declared over (South Korea being the victors) and the two Koreas united and became the United Nation of Korea, something came in the mail. It was a package. 

Inside the large yellow manila package was a ring, identical to the one on my finger, a pouch, a soldier's uniform, a bandana and a dog-tag. Inside the pouch was a tube of lip gloss and four pictures; two of me, one of our little family, and one of Seoul. I didn't want to look at the dog-tag, it seemed too... confirming. But I had to. 

박 찬 열
 
Park Chanyeol. The block letters felt rough under my thumb as the tears flowed down my face. Somehow I cut myself on the edge of the dog-tag and the blood ran from my thumb into his name, colouring it red. I let it. 

With my other hand, I picked up the uniform. I brought it up to my face and buried myself in it. It smelled like him so intensely, I couldn't breathe. I wanted to stop breathing. I wanted to die, just so I could be with him again. 

"Eomma?" I heard from Chanyoung's room. Tiny footsteps followed. Soon he was at the door. "Eomma, are you okay?" he asked. 

"I'm fine sweetheart. Eomma's fine." I wiped the tears off my face, but the blood from my thumb painted my cheek. 

"Eomma! You're bleeding!" he shrieked. He quickly turned around. "I'll go get you a bandage!" 

"Chanyoungie, I'm fine!" I said, but he was gone anyway. Good. He shouldn't hear his mother lie. Because I wasn't fine, if I was honest. I wasn't fine that my love had died in a war he hated being in in the first place. I wasn't fine that I wouldn't get to see his face again, since a note that fell out of the uniform said these items were the last of his that they were able to find. His body was lost and I wasn't fine with that. 

I wasn't fine that Park Chanyeol had left my side forever. 

He promised! In his first letter, he said he would be home soon! Soon is long gone, and where is he?! Rage and anger flowed through my veins. Why? Why did they take my Chanyeol away from me so early? He was young! His son?! What would he do without a father? How did Chanyeol's mother do it? Without his father, how did she carry on? How did she fill his spot? Without my realization, rage turned to despair. How would I do it?

Chanyoung came back, a bandage in hand. He grabbed a box of napkins on his way over to me and took my finger in his hands. He cleaned my little cut carefully, eyebrows knit together. He looked hauntingly like his father, the childish smile, the dimples, the wide eyes. It almost hurt to look at my own son. I had to constantly find the little things that he'd gotten from me. The shape of his lips, the angle of his nose, his curly light hair. I came to memorize these features of his because I couldn't look at him anywhere else. I was a bad mother. 

"There! All better!" He lifted my thumb and inspected the bandage one last time, then placed a kiss on the cottoned bit. 

Bad mother or not, I was still a mother. I had to pull through, because I had to take care of Chanyoung. Chanyoung was my last gift from Chanyeol. I needed to hold on to him tight. I owed him that, and I owed my son that. I pulled him onto my lap as I sat on a chair. He gazed at the uniform on the table. His knowing eyes flashed up at me for one second, and then back at the uniform, his small hands reaching for the fabric. 

"Did appa send this?" he asked. 

I didn't want to lie to him. I nodded. It was half of the truth. "He sent it to us from above." I said, looking up. 

"Appa's in the ceiling?" he asked, trying to follow my gaze. 

"No." I chuckled. "He's not in the ceiling. Listen Chanyoung, there's something you need to hear, and you need to listen carefully." I sat him in the chair next to mine and turned it so that it faced me. I couldn't keep my tears in as I said, "Appa's in a better place now. He's beside God and the angels and he's looking down on us—" 

"He's dead, isn't he?" His bluntness surprised me. "Seo Joohyun, a girl in my class... She didn't come to school for a week. We asked the teacher where she was and she told us her father was up there with the angels. When Joohyun came back, she just said her father was dead." He paused for a while. "Appa's dead, isn't he?" he asked again. 

I nodded. "Appa's dead, Chanyoungie. From now on, we can't see him anymore. We have each other, though." I put my arms around him and he hugged me back, hard. "We won't let go of each other, I promise." I reassured him, though it felt like it comforted me more than him. 

The phone rang, and I reluctantly let my hold of him loosen up. He gripped me harder. I carried him all the way to the phone and answered the call. 

"Hello?" I asked warily. I hadn't checked the caller I.D. 

"Seulyoung-ah! It's me, Soonkyu!" said the happy woman on the other end. 

Yes, Do Soonkyu. I don't know how she's so happy. She got her widow's package last month, the late Do Kyungsoo's belongings were laid out in all four corners of their living room. It was a tragic loss, but just like Chanyeol, they hadn't found a body so they had to bury an empty coffin. 

"Soonkyu-yah, great to see you're so happy!" I said, having to jump start my tone of voice. I didn't want to have to tell anyone that I too had received my widow's package. I wanted to grieve alone. With my son, with my mother and siblings and his mother and sister. I didn't want anyone else. 

"I have great reason to be happy, Seulyoung-ah! Guess who just walked in our front door?! I was just living life as usual, you know how sad I've been since I got the message, and I was making some food for the girls, and all of a sudden there's a knock on the door. I thought it was just another neighbour here to check up on how things were going. So imagine my surprise when I found my husband on the other side of the door! Kyungsoo! He's not dead! He's alive!" 

I dropped the phone from my hand and Chanyoung looked at me weirdly, tears still staining his handsome face. He climbed down me and retrieved the phone. He stuck it in my hand, and I brought it back to my ear. 

"Seulyoung-ah, are you okay?" Soonkyu asked amicably. 

"I– I'm fine. Just dropped the phone. That's great! I'm so happy for you! What a reason to celebrate, huh?" 

"It is, isn't it?" There was a muffling sound on her end and I heard her far-away voice tell her kids to stop bothering their father. 

I was jealous of her in that moment. I wished I could tell Chanyoung to stop bothering his father. But I couldn't! I couldn't because Chanyeol was dead. 

"So, any news on Chanyeol?" Soonkyu asked, well-meaningly. 

"No." I lied. "Nothing yet. Chanyoung, put that down, please." Chanyoung was looking at the dog-tag that had cut my finger. I didn't want him to cut himself. 

"The war's over. He'll turn up soon, I'm sure of it." Soonkyu said. "In fact, don't give up hope even if you get your widow's package if it says they haven't found a body. Kyungsoo says a whole bunch of them got captured in the last few weeks and then released when the war was over. I'm sure he'll be home soon." 

"Yeah." I croaked. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to fool myself. Four months. Someone gone for four months and his belongings just getting to me now, it was impossible for him to be alive. I knew if he were alive he would write to me. He would write with sticks and tree sap on leaves if he had to, but he would write. And nothing could get him to leave his pouch, his ring. It was just too good to hope for. 

"Well, I shouldn't hold you back. You keep making your dinner. Tell Kyungsoo-ssi I'm glad he's returned." I said, wanting nothing more than hanging up and crawling to my bed and crying for the next two weeks. 

"I will, thank you! Don't give up hope!" she said before dropping the call with a click. 

Don't give up hope. That's what the war wives said to each other when the letters coming back from the front turned optimistic. Of course, I had missed out on that, since Chanyeol hadn't written yet. Or ever, after that. Soonkyu said it a lot, and Taeyeon said it too, even though Minseok didn't even have to go fight since he had a back condition the