What do I do? 

I've driven my brother to the brink of death.

Literally. 

What's wrong with me? 

What's so wrong with me that I can't even tell my brother I don't hate him when he's telling to me to kill him. 

I hate myself. 

I hate what I've done. 

But I knew kyungsoo would never kill himself.. No matter how far he goes, he'd never try. 

All my heart wanted to do was be with my twin again, but all my mind told me was so ignore him and avoid the situation. 

I'm a coward. 

So I listened to my mind. 

It was around the time when Kyungsoo would probably be coming home to get his things. I packed his school uniform, toothbrush and toothpaste, socks, underwear, t-shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, pants, shorts and pajamas. The bag was full, but I wanted to make sure he had everything so he wouldn't have to come back.. I'd wait for him to come back on his own.. I hoped he would come without any other reason but because he missed me and he needed me because I miss him and he does need me. I packed my shampoo and body wash- I noticed he didn't smell like he usually did and I wanted him to still remember me when I wasn't there, so he may as well smell like me. Lastly, I took out the cost I bought him on our birthdays and packed that too.. I also threw in his phone charger, my pillow and in the very very bottom, I hid a picture of us, the one we took with Baekhyun and Chanyeol on Baek's birthday just a few days ago. He was so happy to have a picture of us together smiling, I wanted him to know I was happy too.. But I was too much of a coward to say so.

I put his bag on the table in the living room and took a small piece of paper and wrote on its tucking it under the strap so he'd see it. 

Then I left. 

I left to go somewhere other than there so I didn't have to face him leaving. 

I'm such a low life. 

 

Kyungsoo POV:

"Hyung?" I opened the door to my home, hoping he would be there. 

But he wasn't.

I spotted my bag, stuffed with things on the couch and walked over to see what it was. 

 

'These are all your things. Take them and go. 

 

Why couldn't I return until I break up? 

Why don't I just call it off and go home? 

Oh yeah. 

My brother hates me. 

But he was nice enough to pack my things.. Probably eager to get me to leave. I took the bag and left, I'd look inside later. Secretly I hoped he forgot something and I'd have to return to get it.. Even if he yelled at me, I just wanted things to be like old times. 

 

Dr. Oh and I dropped off the kits at his work and then returned back to his house. 

"I'm going to start making dinner."

"I'll be right back.. I need to check something."

"Alright."

The bag.

I put it on the nicely made bed and ped it. I saw all my clothes. He even packed my toiletries. 

"Huh? This isn't mine.." I popped open the bottle of shampoo and sniffed it. 

"This is.." I also smelled the body wash. 

"What? This is.." I then spotted a pillow, also not mine. I smelled it too.

"These things are Kai's.." I knew by his overwhelming scent that it was his. 

"Huh??" I picked out a hard piece of  wood out if my bag. 

"Kai.." I looked at the picture. Why had he packed this? He must not have wanted it. I placed the pillow on the bed but kept the clothes packed the way Kai had folded them. I didn't want to change anything Kai did.. Laying on my back on the bed i held the picture over my head for a moment, then hugged it to my chest, 

"I miss you, hyung. I miss you so much." I started weeping over our smiling faces. If I that day never happened, he would have never found out. But if that day never happened, things would still be the same. 

I wish the day never happened.  

"Kyungsoo?" The door opened and Dr. Oh walked in, looking and sounding concerned. 

"What's wrong?"

"Everything.." I stopped my tears, I knew I'd have to stop. 

"Kyungsoo.. If you want to go back why-"

"I don't want to go back!" I did. And I wanted to see Kai. But I didn't want to face the reality that he doesn't love me, or like me. Dr. Oh bent over on the bed and gave me a hug. 

But it wasn't like the one Kai gave me. 

Kai's was warm, loving. The first hug he's ever given to me felt like magic. Dr. Oh's felt empty and cold even though he meant to comfort me. 

"You can go back whenever you want." 

 

Kai POV: 

He hasn't been home for three weeks. The only time I see him is at school.. The only time I hear his voice is when he answers a question. 

It's not the same. 

I see him, but he isn't looking at me. 

I hear him, but he isn't speaking to me. 

Once I saw him in the hall and thought I'd talk to him and see how he was doing, but of course, he went right into Sehun's office. I don't see Sehun anymore for my nose bleeds, I just bleed out in the bathroom. I don't want to see him so if I lose some blood, who cares? Kyungsoo? No he doesn't care. Lately though, Kyungsoo has been looking ill. His big eyes seem smaller because of the dark circles around them. 

He can't be sleeping well, he can't be. But the night I saw him asleep kept popping back into my mind. It all didn't make sense, I didn't understand. All I knew was I genuinely missed my brother.. Chanyeol is the only one he talks to besides Sehun and he told me that our father wants to meet Kyungsoo. Chanyeol tells me he's so happy that our father's coming back so we can be a family, but I know he isn't coming. I'm all Kyungsoo has and I blew it. If he truly loved me then, why didn't he say so? Was he scared? My whole brain has been messed up, I don't know what I feel anymore or if I feel anything at all. Kyungsoo was the whole packaged deal, he guilted me when I let him down, he made me angry when he was home late, he made me worried when he stressed over exams, and he made me happy when we were in bed. 

We honestly fit together perfectly. 

The way our bodies molded into each other when we slept, I never doubted Kyungsoo's sleeping problem. I can't sleep well without him either. 

 

"Hey Kai.."

"Hey Chanyeol."

"Can we talk for a second?"

"Sure." Chanyeol and I walked outside during lunch and for a moment we just stood there in the cold. He shivered a bit, but it felt nice to my warm body. 

"What are you doing?"

"Umm. With what?"

"With Kyungsoo. If you love him, tell him and if you honestly hate him then let things be the way they are."

"It's not that simple."

"It is. Do you even know how you feel about your brother?" He crossed his arms with an extremely irritated look on his face. 

"Kai he's struggling! The only reason he's meeting your dad is because he wants a family! And you dumped him on the road-"

"Hey. He left me. He left me." 

"And what did you do to stop it? What if he wasn't your brother, how would you feel?"

"What?"

"He loves you so how would you feel if he wasn't your brother?"

"I don't know.. He's a guy so-"

"Then what if he was a girl? Same personality, but a girl. No relations at all."

"I would think she's a great person and deserves absolutely no one-"

"No one!?"

"No one like me ! She would deserve a whole lot better then what I am. But I'm a guy, and his twin it's along shot."

"Not for him, he still loves you for you."

"He doesn't love me, that ship sailed a long time ago."

"Why are you so stupid?"

"Excuse me?" 

"Why can't you see what's in front of your face?"

"Why can't you? He left me alone, I didn't abandon him! He filled his head with thoughts that are not true and I never said any of it."

"But what did you do to stop it? Why won't you ask him to come back?!" 

"He'll come back when he wants. It's not my choice!"

"Kai!" Chanyeol punched my face, hard and right in the nose. 

"STOP IT! You're an idiot!" Chanyeol turned around to leave, 

"But you have one thing right, Kyungsoo does NOT need you. You don't deserve him.. Stop flaunting your strength in front of him and show some weakness Kai." 

"He's the one flaunting his ing boyfriend in my face!"

"Well why do you care? He's a boy, and your twin, remember?" Chanyeol left me alone outside. 

 

Kyungsoo POV:

I watched Chanyeol come inside looking angry, and behind him I saw Kai bleeding, but then the door shut and he disappeared.

"Chanyeol what happened?"

"Your brothers a block head. Can't believe you're in love with him." I sighed as Chanyeol stormed past me and back to lunch. I was on my way to Sehun's office. 

"I'm here.."

"Hey, you don't look too good.." 

"I'm fine." I'm not.

"You've been loosing a lot of weight recently you know.." 

"Just stress from school, that's all." I reassured him it was nothing. But my body felt like it was going to collapse. I was so weak, I hadn't slept well in weeks and my body did feel malnourished. But it's not like Sehun didn't feed me.. It's because my body was using all the fat I had for energy that I didn't have.

"So your fathers coming today?"

"Yup! I'm meeting him down at the train station, he's coming from Busan."

"Now are you sure you don't want me to go with you?"

"I'm sure.." 

"Okay.." 

 

Kai POV:

Ding! 

From Kyungsoo:

 

 

"I want to see you too.."

"Kai that says 'He'd like to see you' not 'I'"

"Shut up Baekhyun!"

"Geeez sorry. You not need to yell."

"Yeah well. Your boyfriend punch me in the nose!" I was sitting on the counter with Baekhyun in the bathroom holding a tissue to my nose. 

"Are you going to go?"

"Yeah. He'll need a ride home."

"Who?"

"Kyungsoo."

"What about your dad?"

"He won't come. And if no one's there to drag Kyungsoo away, he'll never leave." 

"You're going to meet him?"

"No.. But I'm going." 

 

It was 5:30, exactly when he said he'd be here. I kept around the corner of the train station and I saw Kyungsoo in the jacket I bought him, sitting on the bench, waiting. I stood there watching him shiver and breath on his hands. It broke my heart. 

5:45 and he wasn't there, so he waited for the next train, assuming he'd be late. 

6:00 train and he still wasn't there. 

"Hey Chanyeol.." I called him even though he punched me this morning,

"What."

"Tell Kyungsoo to leave.. It's too cold for him." 

"I did but he said he'd be there. Sorry I gotta go."

6:30 train and he still sat there. He sat there for so long, it made me so sad. He even got up and looked around for a bit, but sat back down to shiver. Every time he went inside, I ducked down so he wouldn't see me outside the corner. 

"Say, you wouldn't be named Kai, would you?" I turned around to see an old man, a worker at the station, standing behind me. 

"That's me."

"Well that young fellow was keeps coming back in, asking if you've showed up yet.." He smiled and chuckled a little, 

"Haha, he even told me to tell you he was right there just incase you got lost.. Sweet young boy." 

"Oh.."

"I tried to get him inside but he said that he didn't want you to miss him. Are you brothers?"

"Yeah, twins.."

"I could tell right away when I saw you. You'd better go get him soon.. It's chilly out here."

"I will. Thank you." I watched as the man left, once he disappeared I quickly ran off. I'll be back Kyungsoo. 

 

Kyungsoo POV: 

Kai would be here. And second he'll be here. My fathers just running late..that's all.. But I knew Kai wasn't coming. Many times I walked inside asking about him hoping he would have at least swung by.. I was wrong. It was 9:54, and the last train would be coming at 10:00. My whole body was freezing down to the core and I didn't know how much more I could stand. 

But I waited. 

And when the last train came in, I stood up and looked, I searched for a face, I searched for someone searching for me.. But after everyone cleared out, I was alone again. I slumped back down on the bench and sighed, closing my eyes. 

"Hey." I froze. It can't be him.. 

It has to be, it's his voice. 

No it's not Kyungsoo, stop getting your hopes up. 

"Are you going to open your eyes, Kyung?" It's him. I opened my eyes to see Kai standing before me in a coat and gloves. I sat silently as I looked into his eyes. 

"Here." He handed me a cup with steam coming from the mouth opening. I took a sip and closed my eyes again as I felt steaming hot chocolate going down my throat, burning my frozen insides in the most pleasant way. When I opened he was staring at me, but looked away and took sip of whatever was in his cup. 

"Mmm.. This ones mint. Wanna try?"

I shook my head so he shrugged. Then he put his cup next to me on the bench and took off his coat and gloves. Tucking the gloves under his arm, Kai wrapped the coat around my shoulders and handed me his gloves. Kai was actually in a long sleeve shirt, but it was so cold out, yet he didn't shiver. I knew he didn't need to coat or gloves since he loved the winter.. I hoped he had just brought them for me because he cared about me. 

 

 

I stayed silent as he picked his drink up again and took a sip. 

"Dad called me. He said he ran into a work problem and won't be able to leave for a bit." My heart didn't even sink because Kai was there.

Why couldn't I say anything? 

"Put the gloves on." I slipped the cotton gloves on my icy hands and felt the warmth thaw them. They were warm from Kai's hands.. 

"Come on, let's go."

"W-where?"

"For a walk." Kai put his hand out to help me up so I grabbed it and pulled myself off the bench then I took my drink. I then realized he was still holding on to my hand, but just after I realized, he let go. 

 

 

I followed him off the platform and onto the train tracks. I knew the last train already came so we walked in the tracks, the sound of crunching snow under our feet. At the same time, Kai and I both began to speak to break the silence. 

"So how have you been?"

"How are you and Sehun?"   

"Oh. Sorry.." 

"No go ahead."

"What did you say?"

"I asked how you and Sehun are doing." 

"Oh.." Right. We're dating..

"We're doing well." We continued to walk towards town on the railroad. 

"That's good.."  

"Yeah.. And how have you been?"

"Good! Good. I've been.. Yeah I've been fine." Fine without me? 

"That's also good.."

"Yeah.."

 

Kai POV: 

I couldn't ask if he was coming home for our birthday next week. I told him not to come back. There were so many things I wanted to tell him but I couldn't.. So many things I wanted to ask. I let one slip through my mouth. 

"Have you been sleeping okay?"

"Ahh.. Yeah! Yeah. I'm good."

"I haven't been." . 

"Why not?"

"Umm, just late work nights and such.." I lied. 

 

Kyungsoo POV: 

"Oh.." I wanted to just be with him again, but he seemed fine without me. I wanted to hold his hand right now.. I wanted him to hold me at night. So many questions had built up inside of me.. 

"Are you lonely at home?" 

"No.. No not really. It's fine."

"I'm pretty lonely.." Shoot. 

"You are?"

"I just mean that Sehun is busy a lot so we don't spend as much time together as I'd like."

"Oh I see." 

"WOAH!" I slipped on the tracks and expected to hit the cold ground,

But I didn't.

Because Kai was there to catch me.. Like old times. 

"Kyungsoo be more careful!"

"Sorry.. Thanks.." I collected myself and quickly asked a question, 

"How's work?" 

"Uh.. It's good. Busy this time of year as always.."

"Oh, well I suppose that's a good thing.." 

"Yeah, I suppose it is. Hey my work is actually right here. I think I have a delivery by Sehun's apartment, would you wanna make a few rounds with me?"

"Oh yeah! Sure." I tried not to sound too excited but I was over joyed. It was a little weird since we hadn't spoken in a while, but I want going to complain. 

 

"Here.. You hold these." Kai strapped a backpack with flowers onto me and helped me onto his motorbike he rode for work. 

"You should wear a helmet, I'll go look for one."

"No, it's okay!" 

"You'll be cold and it's not safe."

"Then you should wear one too."

"I like the feeling of the air." I didn't quite understand and what they meant but I shrugged,

"Don't go to extra trouble for me.. But thanks hyung." He gave me a small smiled and hopped on the bike in front of me. 

"Here, hold here." I wrapped my arms around his waist, almost melting into his body. It felt so good to be with him. His smell wasn't the same on me and his pillow was starting to smell like me.. But this, this was the real thing and I couldn't believe I was so close to him again. 

"Here we go!" He started the bike and the engine roared then settled down. We kicked his feet up onto the platform, put the bike into gear and we left. We past the brightly lit stores and the shinning lights that were on the trees for decoration. I had always thought I'd miss something if I went too fast, but everything looked so much more beautiful as we zoomed by. My nose was infused with the smell of Kai and the crisp air.. I understood why he didn't wear a helmet, the breeze that went through my hair felt amazing and I felt free.. Maybe Kai felt free too. For a little while, I didn't have any worries. Nothing was wrong and I didn't care. 

I didn't care! For once in my life, I didn't care! I felt so happy and wild, I stood up with my hands on Kai's shoulders, 

"I DON'T CARE!" I wanted everyone to know I was letting go!

"Kyungsoo sit down!"

"I AM FREE WORLD!"

"Sit down!" Kai turned around and tried to get me to sit down, 

"NO! I'M LETTING GO! IT FEELS GREAT!"

 "KYUNGSOO SIT DO-" 

 

 

Where am I? Ugh.. My head. What's that ringing sound? My eyes slowly opened as my hearing started to fade in. I'm on the street? I slowly moved my body, ahh! Wow my legs feel funny.. Actually I can barely feel them. I looked around from my position on the street as my vision started to clear and un blur itself. 

Kai.. You're here too? Why are you so far away? What.. Why aren't you moving? Kai? Kai?! 

"KAI!" I tried to move by my body but I could barely feel my legs. And the ache I felt in my chest and arms was too much to for me to stand. I realized that people were watching us, watching me. Why won't my ears stop ringing? People were talking on their phones, pointing at us and covering their mouths. Why won't you help us? 

Kai was at least 10 feet away from me; I had to go to him. His head was turned the other way, his body spread out on his back. 

I had to see him. 

I had to see if he was alright! 

"KAI!" I screamed again but he wouldn't move, the only movement was from the wind, blowing his hair gently. I have to get to him before he's taken from me. With all the strength I had, I started sliding my body over to him. The cold ground made my hands white and the small gravel pieces poked them. My body was on fire despite my tingling legs and my head was pounding. 

I can almost touch you Kai.. I'm so close.. 

"MM.." My voice let out a yell as I tried to move my final two feet. 

"AHH! !" The pain was more than I could explain, roping through my body with every movement I made, but I made it. I looked back and saw how far i had come. I saw the snow, red and wet from the pool of blood where I laid before. Did that come from me? Who cares. 

I turned to Kai, he needs me. 

"Hyung?" I put my hands on his shoulders and gently shook him. His clothes were ripped with blood seeping through them, I wish it would stop.

"Oh please..Stop bleeding! Stop bleeding Kai's body, he needs the blood!" I cried. Sirens blazing in the background were drowned out the pounding in my head, like a loud drum. 

"Hyung wake up! Please!" 

If you leave me I have nothing to live for!

"Please open your eyes and yell at me.."  I sobbed over his body and  rested my head on his chest, covering the side of my face with his warm blood. If you die, I want to die here with you, close to you.. Otherwise I won't be able to sleep in our afterlife. But I didn't wish to die..

"You can't leave me here all alone."