A Long Awaited Epiphany
Falling In Love With Your TwinKyungsoo POV:
"You need to stay home today, you look awful Kyungsoo." I feel worse than awful.
"Sehun I'm fine, I have tutoring today."
"You look dead Kyungsoo! You're not healthy. Just accept it and stay home. I'm not letting you leave."
"Ughh!" I covered my head with the comforter and groaned.
If he didn't let me go, I'd have nothing to keep me busy. And if I had nothing to keep me busy, I'd think about Kai. And if I thought about Kai, I would go home. And if I went home, Kai would hate me. It's a viscous cycle.
This morning though, I felt different. Not just the regular, I miss Kai, I feel so depressed and slow feeling but my breathing felt strange and I couldn't focus my eyes. I couldn't understand the feelings so I kept to myself and didn't tell Sehun since he'd probably give me a damn medical exam.
"I'll be back from work around 6:00 tonight. Call if you need anything."
"Have a good day."
"Rest up." Sure.. Okay.
Once I heard the door close, I uncovered myself and sat up. I grabbed my clothes and dressed myself,
"Kai sent me away to work hard, so I will." Nothing would stop me from doing as Kai said.
"Good morning Kyungsoo!"
"Morning, Joon."
"You look tired.."
"I am."
"..."
"Okay. Page one, let's go!" Joon grumbled and opened his book. He was probably about 6'0" and on the muscular side. He had died hair, blonde, and wore stylish clothes. Girls were always with him because he's supposed to be amazing at soccer. But since his grades were going down, I was brought in to help him. We went through the whole chapter- slowly. Joon was an extremely slow learner, even if he had a bright personality.
"You don't look good.." I very well knew that. No sleep for this long would dent anybody's health.
"Why are you breathing so funny?"
"I am, aren't i?" I realized I was almost panting, I felt like I was suffocating. What is this?
"Kyungsoo?" I looked up at Joon, trying to focus on his eyes, but I couldn't. My concussion is completely gone and I should be just fine. I should be okay now..
"I'm going to get help. Do not go anywhere!" Then I saw his blurry body run away. My chest felt so tight and the room was spinning. It was hard for me to look around because everything seemed to be moving like on a bumpy airplane ride.
Ah!
When my body hit the ground, it hurt but yet the pain seemed to be numbed. I laid on the floor, trying to relieve my dizziness. I had just fallen out of a chair while sitting down.
Was I dying? Was this it for me?
"Kyungsoo!"
"Kai don't let me die.."
"Kyungsoo it's me!" Everything was blurred out and I could barely make out a face. If this is the end..
"Kai I'm sorry I failed you."
"Hang on Kyungsoo! Help is on the way!"
"Kai.. Don't let me go.."
'Kyungsoo don't close your eyes!'
I felt my body shut down and relax.
'Stay with me! Come on!'
I failed my brother.
Kai POV:
I couldn't do this after all.
I couldn't be alone like this.
The other night, I walked through the door expecting Kyungsoo to have dinner and be waiting for me at the table. It's was so stupid of me to think that. He'd been completely gone for a month and even before he was in college he was gone, yet my mind still thought he was home.
He was not.
I felt so empty.
Emptier than my apartment, emptier than my bedroom, emptier than my bed.. It felt so cold.
Ring ring!
My phone had been ringing all day. What time was it? What day even was it? I wouldn't know. I'd been laying in bed with the blinds shut for who knew how long. I had nothing to live for anymore, that was the truth. Kyungsoo was what I worked to bring in money for, he was who I said I'm home to and who I said goodbye to. He was all I had. I laid on my side, letting tears fall endlessly while staring at the picture of us from Baekhyun's birthday. Were we actually happy together that day? Could things have actually worked out?
Did he actually love me?
"Why did I let you go?" I buried my head in one of his pillows and tried to breathe in his scent, but it was already disappearing, fading away.
And it made me sad.
Why do I just lay here?
Why don't I just go get him? I'd ask myself, not exactly knowing the answer but coming up with ideas.
I wasn't going to deny that I missed him, I did. But if I went to him, he'd think I needed him and he wouldn't go to school. He'd come home and leave his potential behind, because of me.
So I couldn't steal him away even if that's all I desired.
Even if he's all I desired, I couldn't.
Ring ring!
"UGH! Leave me alone!" I let it ring through while I tried to fall asleep again knowing that today wouldn't be the day I move on.
Maybe tomorrow I'd get out of bed.
Ring ring!
Stop calling me!
"WHAT!?" I yelled into the phone.
"I-is this Kai?"
"Yes what do you want?!"
"Your brother has been admitted to the hospital.. A-and it's required we call to notify-"
"Where is he?"
"S-seoul hospital in the recovery room.."
I hung up the phone and ran out the door in my socks, underwear and t-shirt, grabbing my shoes in the way out. I was surprised at how quickly I went from the energy level of 0 all the way to infinity. Kyungsoo did that to me: made me spring into action. I ran on the cold concrete all the way to the hospital in my socks and lack of clothes with people staring at me.
But I didn't care. Sehun said he'd take care of Kyungsoo and now he's back in the hospital? It made me furious and I could feel the anger boiling inside me.
Damn it Kyungsoo! What did you do this time?!
Why was I so anxious?
"Where is he? Where is Kyungsoo?"
"Are you-"
"I'm his brother. Why is he here!?"
"Malnourishment and lack of sleep I says.." Yeah you took care of him Sehun. When I see you in going to slam in your face.
"What room?!"
"A321.." I ran to the elevator and pushed the button.
"Come on!" I pushed it over and over again.
"!" It was too slow, so I whipped open the door to the stairs and sprinted up them. When I found his room, I flung it open, dropping my shoes, to see him and Sehun talking.
"Hyung!"
"What did you do this time? I told you to take care of your health and now your in the hospital again?!"
"Hyung.."
"Why don't you ever listen to me!?"
"Kai calm down, please lower your-"
"YOU! I told you to take care of him! Do you know how much I worry? You're a damn liar."
"Hyung don't say that!"
"I hate you!"
"I'm going to give you two some time, Kai," He stepped extremely close to me, making fire blazing eye contact, "He's really weak." Sehun then left the room seemingly in fazed and closed the door.
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF HELL YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH?!" The rage that had built inside me just exploded and I couldn't stop myself. My body felt hot and my lungs burned, from anger and still healing from the surgery.
"It's not my fault!"
"IT IS! If you hadn't said you loved me, I wouldn't be like this!"
"You?! I'm the one in the hospital!"
"But I'm the one that's ALONE!"
"YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE YOU!"
"I didn't mean it! Are you stupid? I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING I SAID!"
"Then why did you SAY IT?!"
"You're with Sehun, you don't need me anyways!"
"You're the stupid one! Why couldn't you just let me go then?! If I don't need you and you think I'm such an idiot and hate me so much then WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" I hadn't even thought about saying that until it had already come out.
"..what?"
"You heard me." Kyungsoo was silent for what seemed like forever. I was just standing there, heaving like I had just ran 20 miles.
"It's not funny."
"Huh?"
"Don't joke with people's emotions like that.." Kyungsoo's expression was solemn and stern, he thought I was making a joke; I wasn't.
"Kyungsoo I'm not joking around."
"You are and it's not funny! You knew from day one of this that I loved you and now you think it's funny and are mocking me!"
"Hey stop it, don't say things that aren't true."
"You're a liar!" Kyungsoo started to look out of breath and he kept on squinting his eyes.
"I will NOT be mocked! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU KAI!"
"Kyungsoo calm down-"
"YOU JERK!" His yells were filled with anguish and pain, anguish and pain that I caused.
"Please relax, you need to relax!"
"WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU?" He started coughing and gasping for air,
"OUT OF EVERYONE WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU?"
"Kyungsoo!" I ran to him, trying to lay him back down. His body couldn't handle the amount of stress I was causing,
"Don't touch me!"
"Please calm down. I'm sorry okay? Just relax!" His body suddenly relaxed back on the bed. I was bent over him, letting my tears drop onto the bed.
"Why did I have to fall in love with you?"
"Kyungsoo.." Kyungsoo closed his eyes and soon he became unresponsive to me calling him.
"Help! Someone help!" I bursted through the door and yelled for someone, anyone, to help. Once I got someone's attention, I ran back in to see him and stay by his side. I got him so worked up..
"Listen to me Kyungsoo, I'm going to stay by your side this time. I will be right here when you return!" Watching in grief, doctors and nurses unhooked him from IV's and heart monitors, the wheeled him out the door. I crouched in the ground and cried to my hearts content.
It was his fault.
In the end, everything was his fault.
My sleeplessness, not eating, constant worry.. I loved him and it was all his fault.
"I'm such an idiot!"
"Yes you are."
"Get OUT!" Sehun advanced towards me, and I didn't have the energy to make him leave.
"I'm so stupid.." I sobbed to him, looking pitiful.
"All this time, he loved me. And, and I was so prideful I pushed him away from me."
"You love him too, don't you?"
"Ah, hah yeah. I do. I mean, it explains everything."
"What do you mean?"
"I'd always get worked up when he did something wrong or was out late. After he left, I felt weird and empty. Then I couldn't eat or sleep and was in a constant state of worry. I always got pissed when he was with you.. And honestly I don't hate you. I just hate-"
"That I was the one with Kyungsoo and you weren't."
"Yeah.. I was jealous."
"Well.. Looks like my work here is done." Sehun stood up and stretched,
"Huh?"
"Kyungsoo came to me and asked if I'd pretend to be his boyfriend to win you, and I guess it worked.. With some complications.."
"He what?"
"We aren't dating. He's very much in love with you and I suggest you don't let him go again." Sehun then left me alone, closing the door behind him.
What was stopping me now?
Nothing.
There was nothing in my way from loving my brother. Although it was all knew to me- loving someone, I knew that he'd be the only one I'd ever feel this way about.
His face was pale as they wheeled him back into the room and hooked him back up with monitors and an IV.
"His body over exhorted itself and just needs time to recoup. He'll be able to leave tomorrow as long as he's being watched and takes it easy."
"Okay, thank you." He'd be coming with me, and I'd make sure of that. Once everyone left us in private, I walked over to his bed and gently climbed in with him. Kyungsoo's eyes were barely open, but he was looking at me. I tucked myself underneath the blankets with him and scooted closer until I could faintly feel his breath.
"I remember when you were little.. And mom couldn't get you to stop crying because all you wanted to do was sleep in my bed.." I smiled at the memory,
"She kept saying, "Oh! Kyungsoo you need to grow up!" But you cried even more. She finally let you sleep with me and from then on, that's what we did.." Kyungsoo tucked his head into my chest and scooted even closer to me, letting out a small, breathy laugh as he spoke quietly,
"Yeah.. I remember that.."
"Or Baekhyun's birthday party when we just went crazy? We had a lot of fun together then.. And I just want you to know, it was real. It was real for me." I just breathed for a few moments, thinking of what to say next. There were so many words I wanted to say but I was having troubles putting them into sentences.
"I was scared honestly. When you told me you were in love with me, I was scared. I didn't know what to do and at the time I didn't know how I felt.. When you left I didn't know what do to with myself, I was so lost. Kyungsoo.. I've missed you so much." The words I needed to say. He needed to know I missed him and thought about him constantly.
"I've missed you so much it hurts, it even hurts right now when I'm here right next to you because I'm afraid it's a dream and you'll be gone again when I wake up. It hurts because I know how much I've hurt you and I just, I-I need you."
"Hyung don't cry.." Kyungsoo's cold hand gently wrapped around my neck and my hair, comfortingly.
"I've missed you too."
"I want you to know I love you, not just as a brother but as a man."
"I'm glad.."
"Do you still love me?"
"Don't be stupid. Of course I do.. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to."
"Then I'm glad too.. Can we start over?"
"How far over?"
"Let's go back to when you said you were in love with me."
"Okay.. I'm in love with you."
"I'm in love with you too." Kyungsoo laughed a tired laugh and moments later, he drifted off into a deep, greatly needed sleep. Now that I was there, his body was able to finally get rest. I was so emotionally overwhelmed, I didn't know what to feel. I was so happy, so ecstatic that he still loved me and I had him back, but I yet also deeply saddened. I knew that things would never be like they used to be.
But maybe that wasn't such a bad thing?
We would always have scars- actual ones and emotional ones- and they might take a lot of time to heal. But all I knew for sure was that as long as he was with me, I wouldn't go anywhere. I finally realized he needed me as much as I needed him, and that's why I could never part with him.. That's why I'd never let him part with me.
I loved him too much.
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