Is Love Pain?
Falling In Love With Your TwinKai POV:
I was wheeled into the room after they removed the fluid from my lungs. My eyes instantly glued on Kyungsoo, his eyes glued on me.
"Hyung.." He looked horrible. His eyes were dark and saggy from the lack of sleep. His face looked like premature rain clouds, pale but shadowed with a grey hue. Kyungsoo's lips were usually a plump berry red, but they had faded to a dry beige. And his hair almost looked to be thinner, whether or not that was my imagination, I didn't know. But he had for sure lost a few pounds, looking so fragile. They transferred me to the new bed in the room and hooked me back up with wires and an IV. Kyungsoo didn't say another word until everyone left.
"Hyung I'm sorry."
"You had nothing to do with what happened." Every sentence was quickly said, and quickly answered, like we knew what each other was going to say before we said it.
"I had everything to do with it."
"I was the one driving."
"And I stood up."
"Kyungsoo don't-"
"I got a letter..." He was staring straight ahead, focusing on nothing but the blank wall,
"I've been excepted to Seoul University."
"That's great-"
"They're willing to give me a full ride scholarship if I move in this month and tutor other students in math." I felt my heart skip a beat, an electric current running through my body. I was overjoyed for my brother. But yet, when I opened my mouth,
"You're going then?" It only sounded disappointed.
Kyungsoo POV:
What was with that tone? Almost sad- no way.
"I'm going." I want to be as far away from you as I can.
I don't want to cause you pain.
"But you're not even well yet so why are you going?"
"I'll be fine."
"You can't just leave."
"I'm being released soon."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"But you can't be alone-"
"I'll be with Sehun." I felt almost out of breath, like I couldn't get enough air to supply my sentences.
Don't make me feel like you want me to stay Kai.
Kai POV:
Right. Sehun.
I always forget he isn't alone without me anymore, he has someone now, and it's me that's alone.
"Oh." I couldn't get over the fact he was leaving, even if he had been gone for weeks; This was different.
"Kyungsoo listen-"
"I won't be back for a little bit but I'll have my phone."
"Kyungsoo-"
"So if you really want to, you can text me if you need something."
"Kyung-"
"Not that you w-"
"Stop it damn it! Don't cut me off! Ow.. Ahh.." Wincing, I laid back down in bed after getting a little to riled up, resting my hands gently on my ribs where the pain was.
"Listen to me."
Kyungsoo POV:
"You didn't do anything wrong. Don't push me away anymore because you think you did something..but," Kai sighed and rested his head back onto the white pillow, then continued,
"I'm not going to stop you from going." My heart sank a little at the fact that he wasn't going to stop me, but isn't that what I wanted? I don't want him to stop me, I want him to get away from me. I want him to have nothing to do with me anymore, I'm afraid I'll hurt him again.
"Just don't go half heartedly. Go because you want to go for you, and because it's good for you, not to get away from me." Did I accidentally say my thoughts aloud? No way I could have, maybe, maybe he just knows. "I'll deal with myself, I'll make myself better. So don't, please don't leave of it's going to cause you pain, and you stress."
"I'm going to go Hyung, it's decided."
"Think about yourself for once, that's all." We sat in silence for a little bit. Nurses came in and to check on Kai, As well as Sehun.
Kai POV:
"And where are you going?" Kyungsoo had gotten out of bed and put on his slippers while Sehun was checking my incisions.
"The bathroom, can I not do that?"
"The sarcasm is not needed, Mr. Grumpy pants." Sehun grumbled at Kyungsoo, making him roll his eyes a little. I watched as he trudged to the bathroom in a weak and sickly manner despite his current attitude. Once he closed the door, I quickly spoke to Sehun before he was finished.
"Does he seem weak to you?"
"Yes."
"And he's being released tomorrow?"
"He's living with me, so it's okay."
"But if he wasn't?"
"He'd be here for a while, hold on, your gauze is dried to your skin with some blood and when I take it off it'll pull on your stitches and might pinch."
"Peel away."
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow! OW!
"Did that hurt?"
"No." Haha what a lie. If you weren't the doctor and I could move my body more than 1 MPH, I'd punch you. But not just because that hurt- a lot, but because you have taken my brother away from me. And I want him back.
"So anyways, why are you letting him go if he's clearly so brittle?" Sehun paused his work for a moment and looked at me,
"Your brother is not eating enough, and his body is tired. You can clearly see he's just not moving like he used to. But he's lost 3 pounds since he accident and I think it's because he's scared of the hospital and upset. Getting him out of here may increase his eating habits."
"Scared and upset?"
"Kai, listen to me.. You don't know a lot of what happened."
"So.."
"You see, when the accident happened, your brother crawled over to you in the street and stayed by your side. When he was taken away, they had to subdue him, otherwise he wouldn't have let anyone touch you." I could feel my heart starting to pound in my head and the stinging of tears in my eyes. It was like I had a lump in my throat.
"He cried all his energy out and when you woke up, he got out of bed and went to find you. Kyungsoo had a really intense concussion, just getting up for him would have caused him to be dizzy, nauseous, his head would have been pounding and he could probably barely stay standing. Kyungsoo cares for you even if you don't think so, just don't lose your only family and regret it when it's too late." You took him away! And now you're telling me not to lose him? It's you damn fault! I held back my tears of sadness and raging anger.
"Yeah thanks Mr. Therapist. OW!"
"Oops. Sorry."
"You ing did that on purpose!"
"It was a mere mistake."
"Yeah whatever that's bull. You should be sued for causing a patient paint for personal reasons."
"Why are you two yelling?"
"I accidentally pulled on his stitches too hard and it hurt."
"Yeah accident my .." I whispered under my breath. I then noticed Kyungsoo staring at my chest where I had 9 stitches and major bruising.
"It looks a whole lot worse than it feels." Kyungsoo jumped a little, not realizing I saw him staring, and then climbed back into bed and closed his eyes again. He knew as well as we did that he wasn't going to sleep, he was silently telling us not to talk to him. The truth was, my chest did look horrific, but unlike i told Kyungsoo, it felt just as it looked. Every movement made me feel like I was on fire and going to throw up, but it's not like I could just tell him that. I knew that under his closed eyes and inside his head, he was blaming himself for what happened. He was blaming himself for my pain, so I needed to let him know I was okay, even if I wasn't. As if on cue, Sehun spoke,
"Does it hurt?" I briefly thought about telling the truth but I knew Kyungsoo would be crushed, so I lied,
"No, not at all." When Sehun gave me the 'umm-really?' look, I gestured to Kyungsoo and he nodded.
"Well regardless of the pain, I need you to take these pills every few hours. They'll help regulate your blood cell count because of your blood loss." For a moment, I was confused, but he winked at me and I then knew it was pain medication.
"Thank you." I actually meant it.
"Kyungsoo lets talk for a few minutes."
"It's like midnight Kai, shouldn't you be asleep?"
"Shouldn't you be too?" Kyungsoo didn't answer me so the dimly lit room was silent for a moment.
"Kyungsoo, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything, really. I'm sorry I've been a bad brother. I'm sorry I yell at you. I'm sorry I ignored you. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you."
"It's fine."
"But it's not, I'm a bad influence on you. I'm not good in your life, so Kyungsoo. Can you do me one favor?"
"What is it?"
"Go to college and forget about me and everything that's happened and start a new life, start over. This time, without me and I promise you, you'll go further than you would have with me in your life."
Kyungsoo POV:
What was he saying to me? "That's ridiculous haha stop joking around." It must be the medicine.
"Don't act like you don't know how negative I am in your life. I'm not joking."
"Of course you are, you're not yourself right now."
"And when I am myself, I'm ruining your life."
"Hyung-"
"So promise me right now, or I'll never forgive you. Promise me that you'll try to forget about me, that you won't worry about me and you'll leave me for good once you go tomorrow."
"But-"
"I will never forgive you if you don't promise me."
"That's blackmail."
"I mean what I've said."
"But hyung.."
"Do you promise?"
If I don't promise, he'll never forgive me and will hate me. If I promise, I'll be apart from my brother for good.
"I promise."
What have I just done?
Kai POV:
"Goodbye Kyungsoo." I laid in bed, helpless, and watched him open the door to go.
"Goodbye." He didn't even turn to look at me, but I didn't blame him. Just before he left, I heard him whisper a little but I just couldn't make out what he said. Time seemed to slow down as he walked through the door, and I wondered if I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had just asked him to forget about everything he'd ever known.. The only family he had to hold onto.
It was me who was cruel. I took his love for me and turned it against him, saying I'd never forgive him if he didn't promise. Kyungsoo could barely stay in a fight with me, so I knew he would promise.
This is for the best, right?
Damn it! If this is supposed to be for the best.. Then why does my heart have to ache so much?
Kyungsoo POV:
"Goodbye Kyungsoo."
"Goodbye." It hurt so much. Under my breath, I said the words id never be able to say to his face,
"I love you, Kai."
The wooden door closed behind me and I almost felt like I was leaving Kai in a prison. Once I was in Sehun's car, I told myself to get it together and to toughen up.
Don't be such a baby Kyungsoo!
But it hurt so much, a never ending ache. It felt like someone had shot me in the heart, and I was still breathing, not able to speak, but able to feel.
"Kyungsoo, I'll be back in a few hours after work. I'll see you then. Call if you need something."
"Okay."
I let myself into Sehun's apartment. The clean rooms were the same and familiar manly, clean scent filled my nose. I dropped my things in his bedroom, leaned against the wall and I melted. I cried my heart out, sinking to the floor.
How did I let things become like this?
If I just said, "I don't want to go," would Kai have let me stay?
I'm sick of feeling so lost and alone!
I don't want to be without Kai anymore, but I don't want him to hate me. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of not getting enough sleep, not being able to eat and just not being able to love Kai the way I want to.
If I had just told him my feelings that night I lied.. Would things not be this way? Why am I so stupid?!
"Damn it!" I couldn't stop crying and created a small puddle of tears.
"Kai I need you."
Maybe if I yelled it..
"Kai I need you!"
Maybe if I screamed it..
"KAI! I NEED YOU!"
Maybe he would hear me.
Kai POV:
Is this what love is?
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