Expressing Feelings Part.2
Falling In Love With Your TwinKai POV:
"W-what?" I was dumbfounded. Surprised, shocked, and im going to be honest, really hurt.
"Wait I didn't mean it that way.." I sat up and swung my legs out of bed in a strange daze.
"Then why'd you say it?"
"I-I wasn't thinking.." When my feet hit the cold floor, I jumped a little. I threw my jacket on and some pants, walked to the door and turned the knob.
"Wait hyu-" I slammed the door shut, instantly running afterwards, stepping into my shoes and dashing our the front door.
I was running from the problem.
From my feelings.
How was I supposed to express my hurt feelings?
Once I was outside, I breathed for a moment. The slight diesel smell filled the air and the only light came from the moon, open shops and many car lights. I stood there, repeating his words in my head.
'I've never looked at you as my brother; I've never loved you.'
Everything is said for a reason. Even if it wasn't exactly what he meant, the fact that something inside him still made him say that.. I felt like I just ate my heart and I was now choking on it.
"Baekhyun? It's me.. Yeah I'm.. Actually no I'm not okay. Yeah I'm coming over right now."
I was already running down the road to Baekhyun's house, the only place I could go. I couldn't go home, Kyungsoo was there. And it's not like I was about to go to school or work. Baekhyun's house was the only place I could turn to, the only one I could turn to. My phone had been buzzing non stop, texts and calls from Kyungsoo.
'If you don't love me, then stop acting like you give a about me. Quit ing calling me'
I let my anger out when I knew I shouldn't. It would only make things worse and he'd only be more upset- a bigger hole I'd have to patch up. But even then, Kyungsoo and I never fully healed from each fight we had. We just covered it up. The cut still got deeper.
After that, the calls and messages stopped. I rang Baekhyun's door bell and he came flying to the door. When it opened, I was surprised to get a huge hug and a powerful yank inside. Baek's family kicked him out after learning he was gay. So he found a small apartment and now lives there.
"What's wrong? What happened? Tell me! You look horrible. Want some food? Maybe some water I'm low on food. Ok tell me what's-"
"Baekhyun shut up. Just give me a moment to settle."
"Psht." It may seem like I'm always mean to Baek, but the truth is that I really do care for him. He cares a lot for me too, and not just because I pay half his rent.
Yup.
I pay half his rent every month. My payment in return is faithfulness and a place to stay once in a while. The plan was actually for me to live with him, but because Kyungsoo couldn't sleep without me, I couldn't leave. Baekhyun's a true friend, you can't buy friends like him so that's how I know he's really my friend. It's a bit refreshing knowing at least one person likes me for me.
"He really said that to you!?"
"Uh huh." I was stretched out on his bed while he sat criss cross applesauce on the floor.. I remember when Kyungsoo called it that last year, everyone called him applesauce for a few months. It made him pretty mad and he decided to never sit that way again.
"I can't believe it.." The lights were on in the room at almost 2:00 AM, but we talked for a while longer anyways.
"Are you hurt?"
"Well I guess that's why I'm here. You know, I never thought he hated me that much."
"Really?"
"I mean I've been one hell of a brother to him, but we're still blood."
"When you're related to someone, that means you have to work extra hard on being loving to them."
"But it's so hard.. I'm not even capable of showing love.. Do I even love him?"
FOOSH!
A pillow was whipped into my face.
"Wh-OW!"
"What an IDIOT! Of course you love him! ITS SO OBVIOUS YOU TWIT."
"Twit..?"
"Yea. I called you a twit! You love him so much more than you know and definitely more than he knows. You just have a different way of showing it." This is Baekhyun. An extremely wimpy and whiny boy, but he's loyal and has a huge heart. Plus, he isn't afraid to yell at me, and I gotta admit, when he yells, it's scary.
"You see," Baekhyun laid in his back next to me.
"I kiss, cuddle, hug and buy things for Chanyeol. That's how I show my love. He whispers I love you or flat out states it in the middle of the day. That's how he tells me he loves me. I show, he tells. But you, you do neither. Have you ever said you love him?"
"Maybe when we were kids.. But even then it's a low possibility. So no, probably never."
"And you obviously don't kiss and hug. See you, you're weird. You watch out for him in class, beat up kids that make fun of him. You always get out of his way so he can do his best in school.. Behind the scenes kind of love. You're like the moon."
"The moon?"
"Yeah, see, it's small from earth. But if people take the time to see it realistically, it's giant. People underestimate it like they underestimate you.." I never thought of it that way but it made sense. I'm not what people see at first glance. I actually have feelings.
"Yeah I see what you mean there.. But Kyungsoo must just be a different Galaxy then." Baekhyun was known for making strange analogies that somehow made sense.
"I think Kyungsoo is the moon too though, like an opposite version. People who see the moon expect it to be this huge thing that glows. But once they actually see it, like an astronaut, they see it's just rock that gets its glow from the sun. Everyone thinks Kyungsoo is perfect, I think you tend to think that too, but he's not."
"He is."
"He's not. No one is perfect."
"I'd know, he's my brother. He is perfect."
"Kai he's not! Don't you see it? Being his brother you should see how broken he is. Chanyeol tells me he cries all the time and he is so emotional and sensitive these days. Kai he's more like you than you know! You both are lonely and miss one thing."
"And what's that?"
"Each other." I saw that one coming. Sighing, I closed my eyes, thinking about what Baekhyun had said to me.
Does he miss me?
What would he miss anyways?
I'm not much to miss.
I shot the idea that he missed me down in an instant.
"You know I've spent my whole life just giving up. I gave up school, college, my future. And for no other reason than because Kyungsoo would always be one step ahead of me. He's always been better than me. And I knew he'd always be better so what was the use of trying if I was always going to be compared?
Grrrrrr..
My stomach started to growl at me.
"Hungry?"
"Yeah.. I didn't eat dinner." Kyungsoo's curry burned in my memory.
"What do you want to eat?" I rolled over and just decided to be wild.
"Let's go somewhere. Let's be crazy teens again before everything changes and you go to college. Let's go!"
"Hmmmm.." Baekhyun rolled over too, then turned to me and smirked,
"Let's do it."
Baekhyun and I threw on a winter coat, mine being a spare, to shield our bodies from the 3:00 AM chill. We ran about the streets in the dark, early morning, laughing and forgetting our troubles for a little. I was able to laugh and smile without my chest hurting for a little. But then Kyungsoo would come into my mind and I'd hurt, but then I'd forget, but never completely forget. Baek and I ended up eating in a pork belly grill and soju tent. The owner was actually Baek's boss so we were allowed to drink some soju for fun- not that we've never had alcohol. Baek and I used to be wild. We grilled some pork and ate it in lettuce and drank our soju.
"Mmmmm so good.." Baekhyun was practically drooling.
"Baekhyun it's been so long since we've done this."
"I know! Okay so about Kyungsoo.. Let's keep talking." I took another sip of soju and began talking.
"You know, when Kyungsoo and I were little, i beat him once in a game. He cried his heart out and from then on, I promised never to let him cry like that because of me ever again. So I failed things on purpose. But now, I worry he cries over me but not because I beat him, but because he beats me."
"Why don't you two just talk it out?"
"I can't.. I can't express my feelings."
"You can to me!"
"You're different, he's my twin. I'm afraid to ruin our brother relationship that we... actually don't have. With you, I know how you'll react." Baekhyun and I talked for a while longer, drinking and eating the early morning away.
"Ah Baek you dropped your pork belly on the ground!"
"Awww."
"You're so wasted man.. You barely drank! What a light weight- Baek you just dropped your pork into your soju stop that!"
"Awww kaepsong...."
"..HAHAHAHAHA..."
Kaepsong: Baekhyun's drunk word for disappointment. He never remembered it when he was sober, but it was the funniest thing when he was drunk. It brung back memories of when we'd screw around in our younger days and drink.
Yeah yeah yeah. Laws and rules, we broke them. Kaepsong just brought back memories to when things were easier.
"Yah Kai...." Baekhyun wasn't totally wasted yet, just a little tipsy. But his words came out slow and a little slurred,
"You haven't laughed like that in a while..." I stuffed my face with another lettuce wrap.
"And even though.. I'm happy you're laughing... You're laugh is so damn loud... It gives me a headache.."
"No, it's because you're getting drunk Baekhyun."
"No! I'm not drunk! I'm.. Happy.."
"Psht yeah whatever man."
"I'm calling Chanyeol to come get us."
"Hmm? Hubby???? Hehe.."
"Crazy drunk.."
"Chanyeol? Hey. Sorry. Yeah I know it's 5 AM. Baekhyun's just gone and I had some soju and am about to fall asleep, can you come get us? Yeah where he works. Thanks"
I hung up the phone and supported Baekhyun out of the shop after paying. When Chanyeol arrived, he helped me get Baek into the car and then I hopped in. Chanyeol and I chatted a little bit, but not much because we were both tired. After he helped carry Baekhyun inside he took me back home. My stomach churned a little, I didn't know what to respect. I was unsure if we would yell at each other or not talk at all. Maybe he was asleep; but of course he wouldn't be.
I wasn't home.
When I arrived, all the lights in the house were on. The kitchen, the living room, even the hall way lights. Kyungsoo had to have come through and turn them all on. I took off my shoes and slowly walked down the hallway into our room. The tv was even on, but the one watching it, wasn't even watching it. Turning my head, I saw Kyungsoo who was watching me. His eyes were puffy with dark circles framing them and his lips were a bright pink, the tone they turned when he cried. His cheeks looked flushed even though his face was so pale. Kyungsoo didn't say a word as I approached him, but he shivered a little.
Kai it's now or never.
How do I do this?
What do I do for that matter?
I'm running out of time, I can't just stand here.
I shook my head at him in a 'why were you crying for so long' way and I went for it.
I kneeled on the bed and bent over Kyungsoo as I wrapped my arms around his small, fragile body. Even though he cuddled with me every night and I thought I knew his body, this was a whole different experience. I realized how little he was compared to me and how thin he had become. I realized his body temperature was hot and it felt like my skin was burning when it touched his. When I embraced him, his breath hitched the slightest.
I didn't know how long a hug was supposed to be.
I didn't know if I was supposed to say anything.
I didn't know if I should let go.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do afterwards.
I didn't know why I had hugged him.
But what I did know was that when he clung to my shirt, it was a good thing.
I knew that squeezing him tighter would make him feel better.
I knew gently his hair would calm him down.
I knew that rubbing his back would sooth his hiccups.
But something we both knew, something we had just realized was that a hug was all we needed.
All these years, a simple hug was all we needed to feel at ease with one another.
My arms were around him, one on the back of his head, gently his hair and ever so slightly pushing him against my chest. The other was on the small of his back, my palm soothing him, feeling every section of his spine. He was sitting criss cross applesauce with his head in my chest and small hands grabbing at the front of my shirt that hung down.
A hug felt amazing.
At that moment, it didn't matter what he had said earlier, because he cried for me which means he cares. That fact that Kyungsoo cared enough to shed his tears,
that was enough for me.
Kyungsoo and I hugged for at least 5-10 minutes. It seemed like hours but it wasn't, I just lost track of time. But the whole time, Kyungsoo felt stiff. His body felt unsure about my arms being around it. I guess I might have jumped the barrier but I'm impulsive. After I turned off all the lights in the house and shut off the tv, we snuggled up in bed in our usual position. But this time I was more aware he was there. I realized that he had just been a warm body by my side. But now I felt restless knowing he was so close.
"Hyung?" Kyungsoo spoke first, scaring me a little bit because it had been so silent.
"Y-yeah?" Where did that stutter come from?
"I'm sorry." Kyungsoo started to choke up again and I could feel his body shake against mine. It was almost like a quiver,
"I-I didn't mean what I said earlier, I was mad at you but I'm over it. I mean it was just curry so please don't be mad at me because I don't want to fight an-"
"Shhhh.. I'm not mad. It's okay, I'm sorry too.." I wasn't used to speaking with Kyungsoo this way. It was a whole new experience. But all this talking, it just came out of Kyungsoo so easily it made me wonder if he had been holding it all inside.
"Hyung?"
"Hmm?"
"D-Do you love me?"
"What?"
After everything that happened, I had a lot of time to think. And regardless if he loved me or not, what I felt was clear to me. I might as well make it clear to him too.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do, you're my brother."
Kyungsoo POV:
When he hugged me, it made me so happy. I always want to be around him but he's always pushing me away. It felt so good to be close to him even though I was just digging my own grave. I realized that I have always been in too deep and I can't run anymore. I'll always be his brother. But what if we weren't brothers? Would he love me then?
Probably not. I mean the question of whether or not I would love him.. There is no question. Of course I would love him. I'll always love him.
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