"Ya! Do Kyungsoo!" It's hard enough as it is to think you chase me around when I'm mad because you care about me. But to chase me around when I'm not disturbing you makes me think you, I hate to even say it, love me. I know I'm wrong. I'm always right, so I know you don't love me. 

"Hey Kyungsoo wait!" Kai caught my hand and pulled me back.

"What?" 

"Let's go each lunch." 

"Why, I thought you said-"

"I know but I can change my mind, can't i?" 

I'm supposed to be mad at you. 

"Come on, we'll still eat dinner together. So please?" 

And I can get mad, oh HO I can get mad. 

"Fine." 

But I can't stay mad. 

 

We walked together to the lunch room. Of course everyone stared while we sat down.. Not just at me or just at Kai, at both of us. They were probably amazed that the high all mighty Kai was sitting with his crazy intelligent, teachers pet brother. 

"I'm going to go." I didn't want to be looked at anymore.

"We just sat down-"

"I'm leaving." I wasn't trying to be difficult.. I just hated everyone staring at me. Being looked at was my worst nightmare, some may say I'm shy, but is just say I'm a socially awkward loser. Well compared to Kai I'm a bag of garbage that was left behind because the truck was too full, I'll always be that bag, left behind. I suppose being smart isn't a bad thing. I can go to whatever college I please- although I already know where I'm going. If I forget to study for a test, I'd still land an A- well not that I've ever forgotten.. But if I did I would probably get an A. Getting a job isn't hard either. Well I mean, at any bookstore or tutoring center. Nothing cool like Kai.. He's a delivery boy. He brings flowers and chocolates to peoples doors to make them happy. Maybe it sounds extremely stupid, but what girl wouldn't want an attractive boy to show up with flowers and chocolates? Plus he gets to ride a motorcycle. I get to put books back on the shelf and tell people what to read. I also get to teach students math and poetry who don't care about school. 

I'm such a loser, and I'm willing to admit it to any punk who wants to beat me up. I'm aware my body is small. I'm aware my brother is twice my size and ten time cooler than I. I'm aware that I will never live up to expectations even though that's the reason I am this way.. Smart. I'm smart to live up to him, it's the only way I can try. I can't be cooler, I'm clumsy and too sensitive. I'm an emotional wreck 3 days out of the week. So I thought maybe he'd notice one day.. But he hasn't.

He just thinks I'm showing off. 

 

"I'm home!" I walked through the door at 4:38 after I finished tutoring a student. I slipped my shoes off and put on some slippers to walk through my house. It was always extremely clean- I cleaned it. 

"Hello?" I called through my house but no one answered. My mom was gone at work and she wouldn't be home until late. But Kai was usually home by now. I shrugged and went to my room to drop off my things. 

"Kai has already been home?" I talked to myself when I saw his things on the floor. I sighed and laid on my back on our bed. 

Yes our. 

Here's another thing about me: 

I cannot sleep alone.

It's like a phobia. I just can't sleep alone, but it's not even sleeping alone.. It's without Kai. Sure, I can fall asleep for a little in the car or something but not at night in bed. My mom who is always thinking there's something wrong had taken me to the doctor. The doctor suggested that  I'm 'this way' because Kai and I are twins so we were in the womb together. He thinks it's because my brain still needs him to relax. 

I suppose it could be true. 

But doctors these days.. Always trying to diagnose that they don't  know- I'd know. I plan to be one. 

 

Ding! 

From Kai-

Message: 

I'm at work sorry, but I'll be home for dinner. 

 

My stomach started to flutter a little, I forgot we were eating together. It's different than school where there are tons of other kids and places for me to escape to. At home it's just us and I can't run away. I kicked my legs off the bed and make my way to the kitchen to make some dinner. I decided to make curry- the fresh kind, not from a package. I washed and started the rice. Then I cut the vegetables and carrots, slicing my finger slightly once. And finally I started to cook the curry. 

6:23 

Where is Kai? He's so late. I stirred the curry until it was perfect and smelled amazing. After taking out two bowls, I filled it with rice and then added the curry to it. In the mean time, I had also made a salad and set it out at the table. I placed two spoons in the side of the bowl and filled two filter with water.

"It's 7:18 Kai.." I signed and sat down at the table to wait. Where are you? 

 

Kai POV: 

I'm so late. 

"I'm home!" I took off my jacket and hung it up, slipping on my slippers and hurrying into the apartment. 

"Kyungsoo?" The kitchen light was off but a small flicker of light shown through. When I walked in, I saw Kyungsoo sitting on our wooden chairs, leaning over the kitchen table by held melted candles. His eyes fluttered gently by the flickering light and his breaths were short and a little harsh- a sign he wasn't fully asleep.. He never was unless I was there. Kyungsoo was wearing his cute apron he bought when he was a kid- he bought it a bit too big. I remember how he insisted that it was the only one for him even though it was too big, and a women's apron. It was pick with ruffles along the edges and little hearts were stamped on the plaid design. 

My heart ached. 

"Kyungsoo.." When I checked the time, it was 11:26. He must have waited for me, and I never came. 

"Hey.." I gently shook Kyungsoo's shoulder. Poor Kyungsoo.. 

"Hmmm..?"

"You fell asleep." 

"Wh- Hyung!" He sprung up, tipping over the chair. He looked upset, really upset. How was I so late?

"Kyungsoo what's the matter?" I already knew the answer. 

"Nothing." I saw his lip quiver the slightest. 

"Wha-"

"I just shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.. That's all." 

"What does that mean?" Kyungsoo walked away from me after blowing out the candles. 

"Hey.." I followed him to our room. 

"I just mean," he began to undress and grabbed his pajamas and a towel,

"I shouldn't have thought you'd be home in time to eat dinner with me. I've talked to you a ton today, I shouldn't have expected to even get to sit with you at dinner." The slightest hint of sarcasm was in his tone. The worst part though, the part that made my heart even more broken was that it was just a hint of sarcasm and he was serious. 

"Hey kyung-" he closed the bathroom door on me and started the shower. 

"I'm sorry.." I stood talking to the door for at least 10 minutes. No matter how sad I am or how broken my heart is, I just can't show people how I feel and I can't tell them with words either. I'm not good at expressing my feelings to anyone and I usually just leave it because I'm afraid I'll make it worse. Then I come across as heartless.. But Kyungsoo somehow, every time I mess up, he silently forces emotions out of me without even trying to. And it a lot because I mess up, a lot. I've ruined my relationship with my brother.  

Suddenly the door opened and I almost fell into the bathroom. Kyungsoo brushed right passed me with his bath towel wrapped below his waist and his hair dripping a little water down his back and chest. 

"Hey.." 

"It's okay." It obviously wasn't. 

"I'm sorry I made you upset."

"Look, just don't worry about me.. Turn around." I turned and waited for him to finish getting dressed, 

"What do you mean don't worry?" 

"Just leave it alone, okay? Don't worry about me." Kyungsoo sighed,

"Look I wanna sleep."

"Okay.." Kyungsoo has this strange thing.. Almost like anxiety where he literally cannot sleep without me. No matter how mad he could be at me during the day, we always ended up in the same bed at night. I know he needs me to be able to sleep so I don't argue. I truthfully don't mind, he's pleasant when asleep. But me, I hug and and squish him- Yet he still cannot sleep without me. After I changed, we laid down in bed. I always slept on the left, higher on the pillow while Kyungsoo slept cuddled into me farther down the pillow so his head was rested by my chest. 

"Kyungsoo-"

"Hyung please just stop.."

"Do you love me?" 

"What?" Should I continue? I didn't even know I wanted to ask if he loved me but then it flew out of my mouth. 

"Do you love me?" I decided to ask again, knowing wouldn't hurt. 

"You're being weird Hyung-"

"Just answer it okay?"

"But why d-"

"Yah Do Kyungsoo! If you don't answer then I'll take it as a no." And here's the part where I get frustrated and raise my voice or lose my temper. 

Cool it Kai. 

"Hyung I-"

 

Kyungsoo POV:

I can't believe what I just said.