It was already 11pm and I didn’t what to do, but I did know for sure what I did not want to: sleeping. I let out a deep sigh; nobody was there to check what was wrong with me. The dorms were really quiet these days, all the members were busy with their personal activities or should I say personal lives. Daesung hyung had to leave to Japan for his upcoming Japanese album and Jiyong hyung used the fact that he had to appear in his MV to leave with him and do I don’t know what other things, but according to his Instagram the places where he went were really different from the MV set. TOP hyung was still busy with his “Tazza 2” movie promotions and could barely come back home to catch some sleep. Finally Youngbae hyung was spending his days at YG helping the new girl group with dance practice. So I was left alone at the dorm, all by myself.

Seven days ago my manager told me it was only for one week and I should be able to handle myself so he could take some days off. Who was I to say no to him? So he left too. Usually one week would have been too little to rest properly and do the things I wanted to do when I was busy. But this time was different. I used to hang out with my hyungs when I had free time or with Go Hara but we were not in really good terms lately. According to her I changed too much and she couldn’t find things we had in common anymore so we stopped seeing each other. To be completely honest I wasn’t missing her even if she used to be a great friend. The person I was missing right now was Jiyong Hyung.

I suddenly felt bitter thinking about him. Not because he left me alone at home but because our relationship was not as good as it used to be. Lately he was distant, too distant to my liking. We used to talk a lot about everything but the past few weeks I could feel something was wrong, like if he was holding something. Since it kind of made me upset I went to Youngbae hyung who is his bestfriend. I could clearly see he knew something but he only told me that it was something Jiyong hyung had to say himself. It really freaked me out and I immediately asked him what it was about.

“- Hyung, what is the thing you are hiding from me?  Why can’t I know? Youngbae hyung knows and I am sure the two other do too so why only me?”

He violently threw some of his clothes in the suitcase. I could tell he was annoyed since he was usually so well organized.

“- You’re really annoying me Seunghyun-ah! Not everything has to do with you. Remember when you said you wanted some privacy, well it is the same for me. It is nothing of your business so can you please leave now? I need to finish my suitcase and go to bed, Daesung and I are leaving really early tomorrow morning, don’t bother to wake up.”

I left his room slamming the door. How could he talk to me like this? It was not the first time he was yelling at me but this time I was really afraid he wanted to make some boundaries to our relationship. When I woke up next morning nobody was there. I slowly made my way to the kitchen and open the fridge to cook myself something to eat for breakfast. Inside the fridge a little box caught my attention, I could see a little yellow note on the top on it. I grabbed it. I recognized Jiyong hyung handwriting.

“Maknae-ah ! I am sorry about yesterday… I was tired and upset about something which had nothing to do with you. I will try to call you while I am in Japan but I will probably be really busy. We will talk when I come back. Saranghae !”

I smiled while reading the note. I did not expect to find something like this but I guess his romantic side took over. I stuck the little note on my mirror hoping it meant that everything was fine between the two of us. This is what I really wanted to think but he never called. I couldn’t really understand his behavior but like he said on the note he was busy. Sure he was. He was busy going to night club, seeing famous people, doing interviews, filming a MV, buying clothes. He was so busy that he couldn’t even dedicate five minutes of his time to me. I wasn’t asking for much but I really wanted to hear him asking me if I slept well, if I ate well, if I wasn’t too bored.

So was Seungri the makane of Big Bang, depressed. Sitting on the coach I’ve finally made up my mind after several days spent moping. I decided to go out and have some fun by myself. Said like this it does not seem that big but it was completely forbidden to me. I was known not to be able to handle myself and always doing things that could harm me, Big Bang and even YG. But I did not care about those things at the moment, I was just too bored and I couldn’t stay locked for any other second. I grabbed my jacket and my car keys and went out. As soon as I stepped outside I took off my jacket. This month of September was quite hot and even at night a jacket wasn’t needed.  I made my way to the parking lot. I wasn’t really sure where I parked my car last time since I did not use it for a while, always going to different places with a van. After some minutes spent looking for it at the different floors I finally found it. I really loved my car, I was so proud when I bought it, it was the most expensive thing I ever bought to myself. I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. If I wanted to have the time to enjoy myself only a little bit I had to leave right now. I left the parking lot with the sound of tires screeching.

While driving I realized that I didn’t really know where to go since I rarely go out alone. I was in the mood to drink soju but wasn’t it asking for scandals? Should I go to the PC room? No, a lot people would be able to recognize me there. Unfortunately it was the same with the arcades. I’d have killed to just spend some hours there to play to plenty different kinds of games. Then I remembered about a place TOP hyung told me about. He said he was going there when he was angry and it allowed him to release his stress. It was a place where you could play baseball on your own. I thought it was a good idea since under my sadness was some anger towards my favorite hyung.

Unexpectedly I had a really good time there. Hitting as hard as I could the baseball balls which were flying towards me like bullets. Each ball was for a bad thing. After ending the game I felt like my whole mind was free of bad thoughts. I was sweating profusely, I did not bring a change of clothes and I began to regret not being more foresighted. Hopefully not far from there I found a little grocery store which was selling some clothes. After buying a new t-shirt I found myself eating ramyun. I knew really well by doing this that my face would be swollen tomorrow morning but the flight duration to Singapore will be long enough to allow my face to look just fine. Speaking of the flight ! I checked what time it was, it was 3am and the flight was at 8am which meant that I was supposed to be up at 6am, and then be ready to leave at 7am. It will sure be a short night. TOP hyung and Taeyang hyung were probably home by now and certainly pissed off since I was not there. Maybe they tried to call me? At the moment I reached my bag I felt my phone vibrated. I quickly checked who was calling before answering. It was TOP hyung. The phone had not yet reached my ear that I could hear him screaming.

“- Yah ! Lee Seughyun ! Where you and what are you doing at this hour?? You better have a good explanation or you are dead!

I didn’t know if it was better to lie at the moment or just tell the truth. Whatever the answer, the scolding would be the same. Telling the truth was better this time.

“- I needed to have some fresh air. Staying in the dorms for one week without doing anything was unbearable.

- And it was so unbearable that you could not wait a few more hours, right? Are you f***ing kidding me!? Where did you go? Did you go to a bar? Are you drunk?

- No Hyung ! I am not that irresponsible! I just went to the place you told me, the one where you play baseball, that’s all. I needed to release my anger too.

- And you think I’m going to believe you?? Last time you gave me your word you were not drunk but I could smell alcohol in your breath when you came home. I’m so sick of it!”

Yeah… The great thing about lying is that when you’re actually telling the truth nobody believes you anymore. I did not know what to answer and it made my hyung even angrier.

“- Lee Seunghyun I swear that when you will be home I will kill you ! I…”

The voice on the phone suddenly changed. It was Youngbae hyung, talking to me with his soft voice.

“- Seunghyun-ah, are you really sober? “

Was he ready to believe me?

“- Yes Hyung, I am. I really am.

-  Alright. Did you go there with your car?

- Yes Hyung. I will be leaving as soon as I hang up.

- Okay, be sure to drive slowly and come back safely. I will be waiting for you in case Seunghyun hyung is still mad when you come back.

- Thank you Hyung. See you later.”

As I promised to Youngbae hyung I started the car as soon as I hung up the phone. After driving for few minutes I started to become sleepy. It was not good.  I was really tired after my night excursion. If I hadn’t a flight to catch I would have stopped for a few hours on a rest area to take a nap but I had no time for that. Maybe if I was going a little bit faster… Just a little bit. I could be home sooner. Yeah it can’t be that bad, plus there is almost no car at this hour. I pushed the accelerator just a little bit, enough to make me drive on the fattest side of the road. Minutes were passing by and I had stopped the radio because it was giving me a headache. I was so tired. Slowly without realizing it I was closing my eyes. It seemed I only closed them for one second or less but when I opened them again my car was on the other side of the road, approaching dangerously the car in front of me. I hit the brake but I was too close to the car, I ended up pushing it violently. Then I felt my own car going back to the left side of the road and then hitting the security fence before turning upside down. Then everything out.