Being with Sehun in the semi-romantic sense was a first for me. I didn’t do relationships and I didn’t get attached. I didn’t allow myself to do that. I kept to myself because I was comfortable with it. I didn’t have to worry about others, what other people said didn’t matter. Letting Sehun hurt me wasn’t something I recognized. It was the first time someone really was able to say something and get under my skin about it. I wasn’t at all ready for Sehun. Then again, as life changes usually are, they aren’t meant to be prepared for, they’re meant to be endured, embraced, explored, or whatever you like. I however, wasn’t the type of person to do anything but to ignore, and if not that, endure.

“Miss Song,” My professor says after class as I’m leaving. “Do you have a moment?” She questions as I pause, walking over to her desk I glance at her as she packs her own bag to leave.

“Did you want to talk to me about my paper?” I ask her curiously. “Was there something wrong with it?” I ask frowning slightly, I can’t exactly think of anything that was particularly wrong with it.

Professor Shane, my Western Literature profess is from America and a very good teacher. She nods her head. “There wasn’t anything wrong with it. Wonderful to read as usual, it’s just lately you’ve gravitated towards darker themes for them.” She explains calmly, pausing from putting some papers into her bag. I respect her greatly, so hearing that she finds my papers wonderful is a good feeling. “I wanted to ask if anything was going on with you, I know you have a part-time job, are you getting too stressed out?” She asks worriedly.

I shake my head not at all following. “Professor,” I say slowly hating not being able to make the jump from A to B. “You’re not the first person to ask.”

“Well, Miyoung, while you tend to be a bit more reserved than some of your peers, you do let out clues when something upsets you. You had been arguing one point of Frankenstein in all of your papers, but when you turned in your final paper you support a much darker theory about it. While valid, it’s just not where you had been leading me to. I’m just concerned. I wanted to make sure you’re not overwhelmed at all by the class and working.”

I shake my head and consider something. “I suppose that something has happened recently to upset me. I just, haven’t wanted to admit it.” I say seeing things from everyone else’s point of view. “I’ll get it sorted out. Thank you for expressing your concerns to me.” I pause before adding one last comment. “Professor, you were able to say it in a way that I understood.”

She chuckles and pats my back gently. “Miyoung, we’re speaking the same language as everyone else, but sometimes our words mean different things to others and vice versa.”

While at work I consider what my professor had said about our words meaning different things to other people. I glance at Sehun as I get ready to leave, having a full day on my plate and finally a day off from school I stay behind and watch him. Eventually it’s just Sehun and I alone in the practice room, the others deciding to head back to their dorm soon after Minah, Bomi, and Solbi leaving.

“Are you going tell me that we can now talk about last time?” Sehun asks while wiping his sweat off. “Or to tell me that you’re done?”

I consider this as I continue to observe him. “Define our relationship.”

“We’re dating.”

“You made me very angry last time, but I just wasn’t aware that you had.” I state honestly. I glance down at my feet before looking back up at Sehun. “I cried when I got home.” I say slowly. Sehun looks at me, a pained expression coming over him quickly. “While it wasn’t the first time, I suppose it was the last straw. I’m not used to knowing how it feels when someone says something that genuinely hurts me. Sehun, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with that kind of thing.”

“I’m sorry, Miyoung, just tell me next time I go too far.” He says worriedly. “You know, a lot of the time I can’t tell what you’re thinking at all.” Sehun explains walking over to me frowning. “Sometimes when we’re talking I’m not even sure you enjoy being around me or what we’re talking about. Miyoung you’re not exactly easy to figure out. I don’t even know how you feel about me or about what I do.”

“Sehun,” I say pausing frowning as I take in his worn out self. “I like you and I think you’re amazing for doing all that you are.” I say calmly. “I told you when you first confessed, I’m not emotional. I don’t know when I should share how I feel, nor am I really confident enough to just tell you everything that I feel.” I say stopping Sehun from stepping closer to me. “This could be a huge mistake what we’re doing.”

“But it could be a lot more than a mistake.” Sehun says taking my hand in his. “I’ll be patient; I want you to be comfortable enough with me to tell me things, anything at all.” He insists quietly. “Miyoung, I like you a lot.” I bit my lip, it isn’t that I’m displeased, I’m just not able to say it about aloud with such certainty and clarity that Sehun can. “Let me walk you home.”

I nod my head, pulling my hand away gently from Sehun. I can sense that he’s upset that I did so. “Can you stay for dinner?” I ask quietly.

“I’ll stay.”

“You should take a shower; you’re kinda gross to sit next to like this.” I say frowning at Sehun’s sweaty arm. Sehun chuckles as he gets up. “Your clothes from last time are in my dresser.” I say getting up to get them. Sehun follows behind me into my room. I can feel his eyes on me as I pull his clothes out from a drawer.

“Are you going to order food?” Sehun asks as he stops outside the bathroom, his clothes now in hand.

I nod my head, I watch Sehun carefully, wondering why I didn’t just bring him his clothes after he changed here. “I was going to order a pizza.”

Sehun simply nods his head and goes into the bathroom. I head down the hall back to the living room, ordering a pizza for Sehun and me. It’s strange to think that he’s here, not that this is the first time he’s showered here, or even lied to stay the night, this time just feels different.

When Sehun comes back out I glance back at him, a towel covering his head. “You look tense.” He says settling down next to me.

“It feels different now.” I say watching his arms carefully. “Between us, with you being here.” I explain, well attempt to explain. I’m not really sure what it is, but after what we talked about, Sehun seems different.

“It could be that I’m trying not to scare you off with how happy I am that you told me how you feel.” Sehun says casually, a smile on his face. “Like it or not, we matter to each other.”

I blink as I take in his words. I stand up when I hear the doorbell, grabbing my wallet I answer the door, paying and then taking the pizza; I close the door and turn back to see Sehun waiting for me on the couch with two plates and a couple bottles of water. “That scares me.” I say simply as I set the box down.

Sehun nods his head watching me carefully. “It’ll be okay.”

I open the box of pizza and grab a slice. I’m stuck wondering if whatever it is, will be okay. More importantly, what’s the measurement for being okay? What’s the normal okay, what makes things okay, are things not okay between Sehun and I right now then? “How are things now then?” I ask unable to keep the question to myself.

“Tentative, you’re still trying to make your mind up.” Sehun answers simply. “Tentative for now is alright, we’re both still trying to figure all this out. Miyoung, promise me you won’t over think this.”

“I’ll try.” Is all I can promise Sehun, after all most of my time is spent thinking.

After a moment Sehun almost timidly puts his arm around me. “Suho hyung asked if I’ve ever been here before.” He says nonchalantly.

“And what pray tell did you say?” I ask feeling worried. I glance over at Sehun; he looks rather comfortable being this close to me. I’m again struck with the idea that things between us are different, that they’ve evolved.

“I said that I hadn’t.” Sehun answers smoothly. “You wouldn’t want them to know. You’re really reserved, you know that?” He says while pouting slightly.

I scoff while shaking my head. “You know, I could get in a lot of trouble for this relationship between us.” I say voicing this concern for the first time. “I read over the terms of the internship, the parts that I skipped because they hadn’t been relevant in the accounting department.” Sehun stiffens when I mention this. “We need to be careful. Sehun, I need the scholarship for school.” I whisper while biting my lip slightly.

“We’ll be careful.” Sehun says simply.

As we sit in silence I wonder which I would choose if it came down to it. Would I sacrifice Sehun to keep the internship, or the scholarship to stay close to Sehun? I never thought I’d have to worry about something like this before. But like I said, I never had to worry about jeopardizing my chance at keeping the internship. Then again, before I hadn’t counted on Sehun. My small world never included someone so reckless.

“You’re thinking a lot.” Sehun whispers. I realize he’s pulling his hand away; I grab his hand holding his arm in place. “I don’t want you to worry about losing your scholarship. We’ll be careful, I promise.”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.” I mumble while looking down at my lap. “Sehun, I’m sorry.” I say squeezing his hand slightly.

I’m completely taken off guard when Sehun detangles his arm from around me and out of my grip and then wraps his arms around me. Neither of us saying anything; confused and unable to question why Sehun would be hugging me. I simply allow for him to pull me closer, to draw me in.