Sehun and I needless to say did not say much to each other leading up to my going away party. While before I had been mildly interested in it and wanted to go, but after all that I had been though, I didn’t want to go any longer. The week before I left was mostly just me packing and avoiding the topic of Sehun when I talked with Bomi, I found that while I knew so many people at Yonsei and even at work, I only really had one friend. And before Bomi I only really had Sehun. Now that I didn’t have him I found that my life was quite void. I found myself wondering, had it always felt like that, and was I better off before or after Sehun? Did the changes he made in my life really benefit me? I found that while I could recognize certain sentiments, I didn’t really understand them. Though this isn’t about that, this is about how I left things with Sehun. This is about how the last time I saw Sehun before now; I left so many things unsaid that ever since it’s all I could really think about.

“You know what really is driving me crazy?” Sehun asks after pulling me aside from the party. He doesn’t wait for me to answer; I assume it’s a rhetorical question. “It’s that you didn’t even wait for me. You just went and accepted; you let me think that all day I could still change your mind about how things were left between us. You had me thinking that there was still a chance we could be together.”

“I don’t see how this is boiling down to being my fault.” I say quietly, my entire body aching and for whatever reason, I can’t fathom as to why. “You were the one that said things were done, not me.”

“Yeah I was the one always deciding our relationship.” Sehun counters back angrily. “Miyoung, I was always telling you how I feel about you, that I like you, that I missed you, and that I wanted to take the next step; you never once voiced what you thought we should do.”

I frown at Sehun; looking down at our feet I take a quick moment to gather my thoughts. “I told you in the beginning I’m not emotional, that I wasn’t confident in sharing everything, you told me that it was okay, that everything would be.” I say coldly and hating the tone of my own voice. “I told you I was ready to tell them, that it wasn’t because I was leaving, I hadn’t decided that until you told me it was over. You want someone to blame? Go ahead and blame me, but I hope you’re looking in the mirror, because it wasn’t just me.” I say turning away from him.

Before I can get very far Sehun says something that shocks me. “When you’re angry or upset your word choice changes. You’re more distant. That’s how you always used to talk I thought, like you couldn’t care about anything around you really.” I turn and watch Sehun. “It wasn’t until I started talking to you that I noticed. You’d been uncomfortable with the change of departments, that wasn’t hard to see, it was why.” I almost want to beg him to stop talking; I don’t want to talk about what I had been like before.  I don’t want to dissect my behavioral changes. “I’ve never heard you really laugh, giggle or chuckle I’ve heard, and I’m sure that’s an accomplishment all on it is own. But I’ve never really heard you laugh, and honestly speaking, I’m not sure anyone can say they have.”

“Stop.” I whisper quietly shutting my eyes, I want to glance and look where everyone else is, I want to beg them to let me leave. I want to beg them to not be so close.

“I found you to be extraordinary Miyoung. Then when I got to know you I couldn’t get enough. I had to find out more, I wanted to know everything about you. Miyoung I don’t just like you, you realize that right?” Sehun says gently.

“Please don’t say it.” I whisper unable to stand what Sehun is telling, I’m not at all ready to match his feelings.

“Miyoung, I’m in love with you. I’m not upset with you because you’re not where I am emotionally, I’m not upset because you’re leaving; I’m upset because you won’t even try.”

Finally opening my eyes I stare at Sehun. “What do you want me to say to you? Sehun you seem to know what I’m going to do, how I react, all of it. What’s the point in telling me any of this?! I’m not emotional; I’m unable to really return those kinds of feelings.” I sigh heavily holding back the emotional upheaval I’m having. “You know that, what good could saying any of that possibly do for you.”

“I guess I was hoping to be wrong. That you could finally say whatever it is that’s going on inside your head.” Sehun says finally. “I hope your year at Columbia is everything you wanted.”

I turn back around and leave. I don’t go back to the party; I simply leave unable to handle anything more. Those last words from Sehun are exactly the last thing I wanted to hear from him. I didn’t want Sehun to send me off with a half-smile. I wanted him to tell me that a year would be nothing, that in a year we’d still be something, anything. Those words from Sehun sound more like a goodbye and I hate that.

~~~

Bomi picks me up the morning of my flight telling me that Sehun explained my sudden departure as being too sad to face anyone; I’d spent the last few days getting everything in order, packing, getting my school plans in order, and basically avoiding everyone. “What were you two talking about Saturday night? I look over and I see you both rather focused on each other. Actually, you looked really upset.”

“How things are being left.” I answer simply. I decline to elaborate on the subject and instead we talk about her demands for me. “I don’t understand why.” I tell her finally as I glance down at the list of dates I’m required to call her. “I mean, I understand the birthday ones, and other obvious holidays, but is really necessary for me to call once a week?”

“It is fifty-two phone calls, once a week, I’m even letting you pick the day and time, I actually think you might like it, a set schedule.” Bomi says thoughtfully. “You’re kinda odd that way.”

“Odd?”

Bomi chuckles and nods her head. “Just so, you do things just so according to your preferences. Honestly I saw how it drove Sehun a little crazy sometimes, the look on his face when you didn’t understand something that was very common, like dates or how important just talking to you was for him.”

“Dates?”

Bomi sighs this time, glancing at me she smiles. “I overheard him complaining to Suho or maybe it was Lay, but anyhow, he was venting his frustration about your reluctance to go on dates.”

I quickly realize this had been earlier on in our relationship; I eventually warmed up to the idea of dates. “Can we please not discuss Sehun?” I ask after a moment, deciding it’d be better to just leave that subject untouched.

“Miyoung what are you going to do when you realize what you’re doing right now?” Bomi asks carefully. “I mean you’re very collected and calm about all this. About leaving, about breaking up with Sehun, about just leaving your feelings for him, what happens if you realize too late?”

I stare out the window trying to figure out my reply. “Before my answer would have been my usual one, accept it and move on.” I say after some thought and realizing that Bomi probably won’t let this go. “Now, I suppose I’ll either live with it or do something completely unexpected, but either way I really don’t want to discuss this.”

I decide not to say what I’m feeling. To say that I’m hurt, I’m in agony over what I am dealing with, that in my head I’m struggling to accept that I am getting on a plane and I am going to America. I’m having a difficult time handling how broken I feel, that I want to apologize to Sehun, that I wanted him to be wrong too. I wish I could finally just say what’s on my mind, that I am caught up to where Sehun is emotionally, I wish I could say all these things aloud, but for some reason they get stuck and I can’t open my mouth to say any of these words.