A/N: Here you go readers, my first ever angst. Thank you for the wait :)

Words in grey are lyrics from a song that inspired me to write this story; every little scene. 

This will be in Jessica's POV.

Now the world knows that Tiffany has been dating Nichkhun for 4 months.

I’ve been expecting the news to break out.

But the truth is it still hurts more than I thought…

-x-

I’ve been scaring that you’ve overestimated how much I could take in.

[Ring ring~ Ring ring~]

“Tiff? What’s up?” I couldn’t help but smile upon receiving a call from the one I love dearly.

“Jessi! I’ve got news to share!!” I could hear the happiness in her voice.

“Okay, shoot.”

“Uh…please don’t be shocked okay? I, myself still feel very surreal…oh my god where should I start?! God I’m so nervous and happy and – argh!!”

“Tiff just say it, I’m no stranger to you, you can tell me anything.”

“O-okay…so uh-so-this thing is uh –iamdatingnichkhun.“

“WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!” Though she spoke so fast but still I was able to catch it clearly that she said she’s dating Nichkhun. She never jokes about dating someone so I’m sure she’s telling the truth.

I could literally hear my heart shattered into pieces, millions; billions of pieces.

“Hehe hey Jessi I asked you not to be shocked didn’t I? Haha by the way Khun is a very good guy, I’m lucky to have him! Besides, you’re the first person on earth that I told the news to!!” She couldn’t conceal her happiness. Anyone on the other line of hers should feel how contagious that voice is, but not me, not in this lifetime.

“…”

“Jessi? You there?”

“…”

“Jessi? Hellooooo?”

“…uh ye-yea Tiff I’m here, right here. I-I’ve got s-something to do, talk to you la-later okay?” I tried to lift up my voice, sound normal and happy for her…but the pain in my heart, I couldn’t hold it any longer.

“You’re not going to congratulate me Jessi…?” I could hear the pout she’s giving, that lovely pout I could never resist no matter what.

“Oh…yea s-sure. Congrats Tiff for finding your…your prince charming…” I mustered a smile, hope she would feel that I’m glad, like, ‘really’ glad.

“Hehe okay bye Jess, thanks for the blessing!! Love you my bestie!” She ended the line with a series of cute giggles.

I put down the phone and a single star of tear dropped on the screen, right at that moment the screen out. Like how my world, all the colours were fading, I could no longer see the wonders. Every thing was black and white, worse, only grey.

Tiffany do you know how much I love you? I would always be that one and only bestie of yours, nothing more.

I’m glad you consider me important enough to be the first person on earth to share that news of yours. But do you know I can no longer hold the emotions in, I can’t take it anymore. So please don’t tell me how lovey dovey you are with him, that’s too much to bear, it’s like the world weighs on my heart…with one more step on it, I will no longer have the strength to keep it all to myself.

-x-

And more, I’ve been scaring that you only know how to adore my personality.

She and I were resting on the couch, with her leaning on me.

“Jessi, you know I’ve already found someone, so why don’t you also do so?” She asked me with that big round eyes of hers.

Cause I only want you.

“I don’t need anyone. I’m good with myself now, till the time comes, I can wait.” I smiled a little reassuring her that’s what I really thought.

“Oh Jessi you’re so cool, how I wish I could be that independent like you…conquering the world with your own hands and not needing to lean on anybody else.” She looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes.

I only gave her a smile as a reply. If I spoke any more word, my voice would definitely crack and she would notice how broken I am.

“Really Jessi, I like your personality, not caring about anything at all. You can dive in your own world anytime, anywhere possible. You’re the queen, you live freely by being carefree…”

No Tiffany, I care about you more than you think, you are my world that I dive in, you are my queen…and I’ve never lived freely with the love I have for you haunting me every day.

-x-

Nobody can lift you up with words like I do.

“Jessi I’m nervous to tell the others about Khun and I…” Tiffany hugged me tightly.

I placed my hand on her back, tried to sooth her nervousness away. I hoped the soothing action could also bring my own heartache away; soothing my own heart through her back.

“Fany ah you’ve already told me, what’s more to be nervous about? It’s just like telling them you’re going to have Prince like before. This time it’s just you’re going to have Nichkhun.”

I winced at how the sentence ended with his name, it lingered in the air of Tiffany’s room. But what more could I say? She would never see me like how I see her.

“Still Jess I’m scared that they would not approve us.”

How I wish the “us” is you and I.

“No, I’m 200% sure they are going to approve you two, you two made a match. Don’t worry over the trivial things pabo… Besides, Nichkhun is a good guy, they all would be glad you are in his hands.”

I picked up a glass of water near by, bought it to my lips and hoped the water would drown the bitterness down my throat. Words I said were so bitter, I couldn’t even taste anything besides the bitterness.

“Really Jessi?” She looked up from the hug and asked with that puppy face of hers.

“Yea.”

“Jessi you know only your words can assure me like this. I trust you no matter what, you are the greatest best friend! I could not ask for more.”

I could only smile and hug her tighter, tried to take in as much scent of hers as possible.

Because someday she would come to me with another scent on her, that certain Homme perfume, masking her original perfect scent.

“Phew okay! So here we go Jessi! I’m going to tell them! You’re the best!” She gave me an eye smile that further broke my heart into pieces.

-x-

Nobody tries to reconcile me to only be your best friend.

Nobody tries to ask me where I can heal the loneliness in the end.

Every girl knew that I love you more than just a best friend, even the maknae could see it. But you, you pabo, you were too blind; too dense to see.

You held high with the “no secrets” policy among us. So you decided to tell the girls about you and him dating.

I can still recall your face when you told the girls about it.

You were glowing, literally glowing with happiness. Those smiles, those eye smiles were too bright that it blinded my heart and soul, made me felt numb.

Those same eyes that made me fell in love with you and now forces me to fall out of love, with you…

When you said you were dating, I could see some eyes immediately darted towards me. I looked at those and gave them a smile then mouthed the word “I know”. After you announced the news, all the girls went up and gave you hugs, some even patted your head like signaling you were finally a grown woman who was able to afford a relationship. Not long after, you received a call and said you have to take it privately, so you excused yourself from us.

Once you were in your room, all the girls came to me and gave me a sympathetic smile with light squeezes on the shoulder, Yoona and Yuri even gave me warm hugs.

“I know, I know.” This is the only thing I could say to the girls, I gave them each a smile and went back to my room with tears streaming down my face.

I really do know about the dating news, I’m the first person on earth Tiffany told the news to, remember?

But how long will the hurting takes? How are you going to treat me when you’re so in love with him? How am I going to face you when you tell me about you and him? How am I going to survive when I know you’re going to snuggle up in someone else’s embrace? How am I going to cry myself to sleep every night? How long will it take for me to stop loving you? How am I going to bottle up the feelings for, I don’t know, 10 more years? Forever?

I don’t know. I do not know.

You, Tiffany Hwang is dating.

And, this is the only thing I know.

The girls were wise enough not to bother me, they knew I needed space and time. They knew how much I love you but they also knew that you have always only treated me as a best friend. They knew there was no use to reconcile me to be the one and only “Jessi my bestie” in your life, cause years laying my love on you made me accept not to ask anything back in return if I were willingly to give away selflessly.

Maybe, just maybe, all I need is really space and time.

-x-

Actually I really want to break down and show my weakness to you as a lover would.

So I can be in your arms forgetting what’s happening outside the cruel cruel world.

After the news broke out to public, my life has been miserable. I should know that the press would find out, but still the major part of me wanted to keep at least a one cell thick hope.

Crying in my room again after…I don’t know, I forgot how many nights.

[Knock knock; knock knock]

“Jessi? Can I come in?”

“…”

This is a bad timing, very, very, super bad. I wanted to say no but I knew no matter what you would still come in. I know you too well my bestie right?

“Jessi I’m coming in okay?”

“…”

“Hey Je- oh my god what’s wrong Jessi?! Are you crying? Why? What happened? Tell me!!” She came to me and wrapped me in her arms.

I didn’t dare to breathe, I was afraid I would breathe in something different than her scent. There’s no way I would push her away while she was hugging me, but the lack of oxygen was making me a bit dizzy…

So here I go, I took a deep breath, tried to calm myself from the crying and also gave myself back some oxygen.

I choked.

There it is, his scent. There’s another scent on her.

Sorry Tiffany but I couldn’t stand in this embrace of yours.

I pushed her away.

“Wha-what’s wrong Jessi!?” She looked at me shocked.

“You smell different.” I said not looking at her, cause if I see her eyes, I would surely break in front of her.

“What are you talking about Jess?” I could see her furrowed her eyebrows in my peripheral vision.

“You have someone’s scent on you.” I stated the matter of fact.

“Wha-oh…yea I went out with Khun few hours ago. He hugged me goodbye so maybe that’s why his scent is on me.” She smiled reminiscing the moment.

Enough Tiff, enough…

Please don’t tell me anything about you and him. I can’t take it anymore. Just, no more.

“…”

“Hehe he’s sweet and oh yea Jessi why were you crying? Don’t cry please…” She tried to lift my chin up.

The room was starting to reek the smell of him, whenever Tiffany moved, the mixed scent on her flew out and blended with the scent in my room. I couldn’t take it, I despise that scent. I swatted her hand away from me and walked out of the room, leaving the hell hole.

“Jess!! Wait! Wait up! What’s wrong?!!” I could feel that she was frustrated because of my behaviour.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”

Just please leave me alone, I can’t stand seeing your glowing form, and most important was that I have to know dead sure the reason behind that glow of yours.

I admit I was selfish, but what more do you expect from a person who has devotedly loved for 7 years but never having anything in return?

“Please Jessica! Tell me! Why are you acting like this?!!” She started to raise her voice.

“Just leave me alone Tiffany.” I didn’t want to fight, all the strength in me washed away with the tears I cried for you, for us, every night.

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong!”

“No Tiffany, just no. Leave me.”

“Jessica seriously what on earth is with you?!!!”

“Nothing’s with me Tiffany! Nothing! Just go away!! Go!!!!!”

I’ve never raised my voice towards her like this, she must be shocked cause I saw her jaw dropped when I yelled at her. I felt really stupid to unleash my emotions on her. She’s still very precious to me, she could never be my girl friend but at least she’s still going to stay by my side and be my best friend. I could not ruin the only bond between us.

Stupid Jung, stupid.

“I-I’m sorry Fany.”

“…”

“I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you…”

“It’s alright Jess…maybe I’m just a bit pushy…”

“No it’s not your fault, you’re just-jus