"Hyung, leave me alone!" Jonghyun slams the door shut. "I wish you'd just disappear!"

That's how their nights ended these days. More often than not, they'd get into a heated arguement. Over the smallest things.

Jonghyun would let his head fall onto his arms. Knees pulled upto his chest. Tears welling up in his eyes as he'd think about their earlier arguement. 

Then Jinki would come to sit by his side. Not a single word leaving his lips as he pulls the distraught blonde onto his lap. Humming in his ear apologetic ballads and half lived promises.

"Hyung, leave me alone!" Jonghyun slams the door shut. "I wish you'd just disappear!" His back to the wall, knees pulled upto his chest. Head lying on top of his crossed arms. Already wet with pointless tears.

"Hyung, Jinki hyung didn't mean to make you upset."

Jonghyun looks up, his gaze locking with those of his brother. Only then realizing that hes slammed the wrong door. Instead hes in his brothers room.

The five year old just smiles, a tiny hand wiping tears away. "He just wants you to understand."

The words don't make Jonghyun's tears stop but something in the words meaning make his heart clench.

The next time, Jonghyun is curled in on himself. Knees to his chest, head buried in his arms. His eyes are swollen, but no tears are visible. His left hand clutching an unopened envelope in one hand. The right buried in Taemin's dark locks. 

"Jjong." 

For a moment, it seems as if everything is back together again. But only, for a moment. 

The man that kneels before him doesn't radiate strength. The arms that wrap around his shoulders are not warm. The hand that wipes away his nonexistent tears is not his lover's. 

"I'm sorry, Jjong. I'm truly sorry." 

But all Jonghyun hears and sees is silence within darkness. He only watches as the man carries Taemin away. When the door closes he allows himself one pleasure.

With a trembling hand he pulls the paper from its confinement. His nose taking in the aroma of lavender and vanilla. He swallows and struggles with his vision. His eyesight blurring at the edges.

Theres only unspoken memories written across it.

Dear Jonghyun,

I wish I wouldve had the courage to tell you sooner but... there never seemed to be a right time. You were always so full of energy, I couldnt risk your happiness. Honestly, Taemin found out before I did. He's a smart kid that one.

Before I left, I wanted to apologize for the trouble I've caused you. You know, it was always so tempting to just tell you. To tell you the reason I was coming home late everyday or leaving early was because I had to get checkups. Not because I didn't love being with you.

I just... I want you to know... don’t waste your time on what could've and should’ve been.

Take care of Taemin and make sure he continues with his studies and visiting his friend at the hospital. Tell Joon not to worry, and let Minho and Kibum know that their forgiven.

 But Jjong, always, know that no matter what happens, you have to cherish your tears.

Don't let anyone take them form you. Not even me.

I love you more than you could possibly understand, in a way that I could never explain in words. I only wish I couldve given you a better chance at happiness. 

"Always yours, Lee Jinki."

This once Jonghyun allows himself this one pleasure. He allows himself, to break.

"Please, I'm sorry hyung." His grip tightens on the paper in his grasp. Tears finally falling from shut eyes. "Please come back. Please, stay."