The room felt foreign and the bed unfamiliar. Shixun had been so used to Lu Han’s presence, that the sudden lack of it made Shixun feel uncomfortable, empty even. The soft, white curtains were gently blown by the summer’s breeze, flowing gracefully. It was so different from the chaotic mess inside him, draining him from all his energy. Inside, Shixun was a hopeless art piece made up of different paint colors mercilessly thrown on the canvas. Whatever whiteness he used to have was being covered by layers of thick paint.

“I’m not your cousin.”

Shixun could not really grasp it yet. Never would he have thought that Lu Han had lied to him. Never would he have thought that Lu Han was not his cousin. They were nothing. They were nothing but strangers who crossed paths in a cruel way. Everything Shixun thought he knew was actually a lie. All this time, he had been supporting the person who had taken everything from him. He had fallen in love with someone who he did not even know whether he could trust anymore. Shixun still loved Lu Han, there was no way this love could vanish all of a sudden, but he was not sure whether he could really continue loving Lu Han the way he did before all of this came to light. He was not sure whether he would be able to forgive and forget so easily.

He let out a tired sigh before throwing himself on the bed, gaze wandering around the room mindlessly. And even though he did not want to, even though his head was forbidding him from letting his mind wander to the other, Shixun found himself thinking about Lu Han. He wondered whether Lu Han was doing alright on his own, even though he tried to stop himself from doing so. He still thought about Lu Han.  

»

It took Shixun a few mornings to fully realize the fact he was not staying in the apartment anymore. It took a few harsh mornings when he would wake up, eyes instinctively looking around for the other male, only to realize he was not anywhere. It took a few mornings before he could accept the fact that this was reality. Lu Han and he were no longer inseparable.

He noticed Minseok’s concerned look and Yixing’s questioning expression. Yixing no longer looked at him with wary eyes since he knew the truth. Yixing even began to show some compassion, something sincere and Shixun understood that Yixing wanted the best for him now. He let Shixun alone but his actions showed he was there if Shixun needed him. It was comfortable and reassuring. Minseok, on the other hand, would come up to Shixun from time to time, goodheartedly asking how Shixun was doing and whether he needed anything. Shixun had never felt Minseok’s presence as clearly as he did now. Shixun appreciated his thoughtfulness, finally understanding why Lu Han would feel so at ease around Minseok. Minseok would never talk about Lu Han in front of Shixun, probably thinking that the younger did not want to talk about him.

In reality, it was the exact opposite. Lu Han was rarely at the hostel anymore, and Shixun could seldom see him these days. It made his heart clench in pain because he wanted to know how Lu Han was doing. All disappointment and anger and hurt aside, he wanted to know whether Lu Han was doing well. He might not be able to forgive this easily but he did not hate Lu Han. He could never hate Lu Han. And he wanted to know how Lu Han was doing without him.  

It has been almost a week now and Shixun found that enough was enough. He wanted to see Lu Han and talk to him. Back then Shixun had been too caught up in his own emotions to be able to give Lu Han a chance to explain himself. Back then Shixun had been too numb because of the shock to really think things through. Back then he ignored Lu Han whenever he was around. Back then he did not give Lu Han a chance. He was calmer now. He felt more peace now. He was ready to talk now. He was ready to hear Lu Han’s reasons, to understand the thoughts behind the smaller male’s actions.

He wanted Lu Han to tell him the complete truth.

“Lu Han’s not in Incheon today,” Minseok told him with a sad smile as they stood next to each other on the rooftop of the hostel, “He won’t be coming to the hostel today.”

Shixun’s eyes widened in shock at this, “W-Where is he?”

“He said he was going to meet up with Jongdae somewhere,” Minseok said before glancing at Shixun, “Do you want to talk to him about something?”

“I… I don’t want this,” Shixun said honestly, shoulders slumped down.

“Can you forgive Lu Han?” Minseok asked while leaning his folded arms on the low wall, “Would you be able to forgive him for what he has done?”

“I…” Shixun bit his lower lip as he thought about it, the wind softly caressing his hair, “I want to give him a chance.”

“You probably learned a lot about Lu Han in the past few weeks, so I think you can decide for yourself what kind of person he is. However, I think you might need to know something,” Minseok sighed before continuing, “Lu Han never told me, but his family is something that brings him lots of sorrow and sadness. It caused him to be very frightened of being left alone, I can see that much. He doesn’t want to get too close to other people, because he’s scared to death of having them leave him. He’s afraid of goodbyes and separations.”

“I…” Shixun felt he hurt in his heart as he nodded his head, “I know.”

“The irony is, though, that Lu Han lets people get close to him way too easily,” Minseok said with a shake of his head, sympathizing grin on his lips, “That fool lets people get too close to his heart way too easily, much easier than he thinks he does.”

“W-What do you mean?” Shixun said, heartbeat increasing rapidly for seemingly no reason.

“Lu Han’s head tells him to never get too attached to anyone, but his heart makes him grab onto anything in sight. Lu Han might not even know himself, but he has lots of things he’s afraid of losing. Yixing, the cook, me, the visitors, even the hostel itself,” Minseok glanced in front of him with a soft expression, “He holds onto it dearly. He forgets too easily what his mind wants him to remember. He forgets too easily that visitors are people that come and go. When he first started working here, he immediately made some good friends. However, visitors are visitors, and they will leave at one point. And Lu Han would feel lonely and empty every single time they left. Even after all this time, even though he says he learned not to get too attached anymore, he still forgets and get too attached anyways.”

Shixun remembered the times when he would see the sadness glistering in Lu Han’s eyes whenever one of the visitors he liked to talk with would leave. He remembered how Lu Han would wear a strained smile while seeing the visitor off. He remembered how Lu Han would get straight to the empty guest room, eyeing the lack of presence with agony. He remembered how Lu Han somehow would look as if he was being left behind. It never really crossed his mind that Lu Han might have been too attached to the customers, too affected by every single separation. The realization made him dizzy with remorse.

“What I want to say is,” Minseok said while putting a hand on Shixun’s shoulder, “That Lu Han probably forgot who you really were from the first smile onwards. Whoever you might be in reality, whoever Lu Han thought he made you be, he already forgot all of that a long time ago.”

The way Lu Han’s face would brighten when he saw Shixun, the way his lips would curve upwards more easily when Shixun was around, Shixun knew. Shixun remembered how Lu Han would speak out his name, the softness and gentleness of his voice when it was Shixun’s name that left Lu Han’s mouth. Shixun remembered how Lu Han would make sure that Shixun had enough to eat. He remembered how Lu Han had unconsciously put Shixun on top of his priority list.

Lu Han’s kitchen never had gloves for washing the dishes until Shixun started washing the dishes. Lu Han’s refrigerator never had milk until he discovered that Shixun loved to drink it in the mornings. Lu Han never had any spare pillows until Shixun told him he could not sleep well with the soft pillow. Lu Han bought him new clothes, even though his own clothes were in a more terrible state than Shixun’s. Lu Han secretly changed their mattresses after Shixun told him that his mattress was too hard and thin. Lu Han probably did not know, probably thought it was his calculative head deciding for him, but Shixun knew.

Shixun realized that all along, it had been Lu Han’s heart caring for Shixun.

“Lu Han’s actually a really simple person, with a really simple mind,” Minseok said gently, “He just wants the people around him to be happy.”

Deep inside, Lu Han was simply a child that thought he did not deserve any love, any happiness. Deep inside, Lu Han was simply a kid that never had the chance to grow up, always blaming himself for things he must have done wrong. The nightmares that haunted Lu Han at night reminded Lu Han that he was the last person to ever deserve happiness. Lu Han gave away pieces of his heart like it was extra change, hoping that one day someone would give him some happiness back in return.

“Then why can’t I be happy?”

“You said happiness came from the inside, right? You really said it right? Because if it’s you who said it, then I’m willing to try to believe in it.”

 A tear rolled down as Shixun realized that he could really never hate Lu Han, no matter how hard he tried to. Because even though Lu Han had hurt him, had lied to him, Lu Han was still the person he had fallen in love with. And Shixun did not regret falling in love with Lu Han.

»

Shixun’s heart jumped in joy the moment he saw Lu Han walking into the hostel, only to feel his heart stop and stare in agony at Lu Han’s poor state. He was not smiling, was not shining, and was not showing anything that would tell Shixun that he was doing alright. Lu Han looked pale and weak and it hurt Shixun because he had wanted Lu Han to take care of himself. Shixun did not want to see Lu Han waste himself away, eventually ending up lifeless in the apartment with no one around.

The moment Lu Han locked gaze with him, Lu Han’s eyes widened. Lu Han did not move, did not dare to move, as he looked at Shixun and Shixun so desperately wanted to call out for Lu Han. He wanted to tell Lu Han that he might not be able to forgive, but he was not angry anymore. He could not stay angry anymore. Not when so many things told him that Lu Han was not a bad person. He wanted to tell Lu Han that he should not blame himself. Shixun would be able to forgive him eventually.

“Lu Han…” Shixun spoke out in the end, the longing clearly audible.

It caused Lu Han to flinch, and before Shixun even realized what was going on, Lu Han had already turned around and run off. Shixun had to quickly pick himself up and rush after Lu Han, the desperation filling him to stop Lu Han and make him stay. However, before he could even get out of the hostel, a hand already went to grab onto his arm, abruptly stopping from chasing after the smaller male that was disappearing right in front of his eyes.

“Yixing, let me go,” Shixun said while struggling to get out of Yixing’s grasp, about to rush off again the moment he was free, but Yixing’s voice stopped him.

“Leave him,” Yixing said, and it sounded so much as if he was pleading for Lu Han’s sake, “Shixun, let him be for now.”

“I need to talk to him!” Shixun exclaimed, the frustration building up, “Lu Han- He hasn’t showed up for days! I need to talk to him-”

“He has,” Yixing merely replied.

This caused Shixun to stop with whatever he was doing and saying, the shock of the sudden revelation causing a lump to grow in his throat, “What do you mean?”

“He told me to not tell you, or even Minseok, but he has been showing up daily,” Yixing said softly, hesitantly, “but I think you need to know. He’s been coming every day, to make sure the hostel is doing well, Minseok and I are doing well, but most importantly,” He glanced at Shixun, “to make sure you’re doing well.”

“Why won’t he see me, then?!” Shixun burst out, the anger filling him rapidly, “Why would he come here every day secretly?!”

“You should know, Shixun, you should know,” Yixing said before sighing, awkwardly leaning against the wall next to the door, “You should know that he doesn’t know how to talk to you. He doesn’t know how to act in front of you. He doesn’t even know whether you would want to see him.”

“He…” Shixun began before shaking his head, a hand darting out to run through his messy hair, “He’s really…” Shixun grinned sadly as he let himself slump down against the door, “He’s really stupid.”

Yixing nodded his head in acknowledgment at this, although his eyes were filled with compassion, “He is.”

Shixun broke into a soft, sad laughter that pierced right through his own heart. This was all so messed up. It was really all too messed up.

“Here,” Yixing said while reaching out for his hand, placing something on it, “Lu Han wanted me to give it back to you. I… He told me that it’s really important to you, and that I needed to give it to you no matter what, but that’s easier said than done when I’m not even sure what you guys are thinking of.”

Shixun glanced at the golden coin, the misery filling him instantly and painfully. It made him clench onto the coin with so much force that it was digging into his skin sharply. He brought his fists to his face, desperately trying to hide his face that showed the agony he was feeling.

Everything was so messed up.

“You really do love him, don’t you?” Yixing asked with a soft smile.

Shixun did not hesitate to nod. He did not want to lie to anyone. He did not want to lie to himself. He did not want to make himself suffer by blaming himself for loving Lu Han. Not when he never regretted loving Lu Han. He never regretted it, and he needed to stop telling himself that he should not love Lu Han.

“I really do.”

»

Shixun played with the coin as he sat outside the hostel, desperately in need of some fresh air. The smell of trees enveloped him into a warm and secure bubble. He needed to calm down. He needed to calm down because if he did not, he would probably find a way to get to the apartment and slam on the door until Lu Han would open it. He would probably go crazy, lose all control and that was something he could not afford right now. He could not afford himself to be so rash right now. Not when Lu Han was trying all he could to stay away from Shixun. The more Shixun approached Lu Han, the more Lu Han would hide himself. And Shixun did not want Lu Han to hide himself even more than he already did.   

“The beach,” A sudden voice suddenly said.

Shixun immediately turned his head to look at Yixing, who took a seat next to him, “What?”

Yixing looked at him with an amused expression, “I thought you were smarter than this, Shixun.”

There was the thought, the automatic assumption that Lu Han might be there. If Lu Han would be there, Shixun would immediately go to the beach. He was okay with not being able to talk to Lu Han. He was okay with having to watch at Lu Han from a distance. He really just wanted to see how Lu Han was doing these days. He wanted to see it for himself, confirm for himself that Lu Han was still there, safe and sound.

“He’s… He’s there?” Shixun asked softly.

Yixing nodded his head, “Zitao told me.”

Shixun could feel his heart beating increasingly faster, “Why are you telling me this?”

“I hadn’t planned on telling you, but then I remembered how you said you loved him,” Yixing said while wearing a genuine smile, “and I believe you’ll never want to hurt Lu Han. Lu Han…”  The smile faltered as Yixing thought about his friend, “Lu Han… He’s hurting right now, and you’re the only one who can make him smile again.”

“I… I’m not certain whether I should go meet him…” Shixun said uncertainly, the hesitation overwhelming him, “I…”

“Did you know that there’s something funny about people who run away like this?” Yixing asked him suddenly.

There was a sudden cold shiver going from the pit of his stomach right through his veins. There was this sudden coldness, this crazy feeling as if your body was filled with ice. It made him shiver. The way Yixing’s eyes looked straight into his made him shiver even more.

“They actually want the person they’re running away from to chase after them.”

It did not take long before Shixun reached the beach. Without a car, it took around twenty minutes, but it was not long. At least not long enough for Shixun’s nervous heart. The thumping was so loud he could hear it clearly in his ears. The beach was relatively crowded, but far from how it was back then when they sold the ice cream. The thought alone made Shixun reminisce about the time when it had only been the two of them, peacefully living together. In his mind, it had been like that. In his mind, it had been a world just big enough to find joy in. In reality, things were far more complicated.

Lu Han was standing near the water, busily selling some ice cream. It was just like back then. However, the Lu Han right now was not smiling. The Lu Han right now was not shining at all. The Lu Han right now screamed misery. Shixun watched how Lu Han would just stand behind the ice cream stall, mindlessly looking in front of him while waiting for someone to call out for him. The normal Lu Han would be smiling and enthusiastically selling the ice cream.

The normal Lu Han would not just stand there, admitting defeat.

Shixun continued watching Lu Han from afar, silently looking while the sky gradually got darker and the crowd smaller. He stayed and watched from behind a wall how Lu Han sold the ice cream, noticing with pain in his heart that Lu Han did not even bother raising the prices insanely high like he usually did.

When he noticed that Lu Han was getting ready to pack everything up and go back, Shixun wasted no time in revealing himself and walking up to the other. Lu Han did not notice him, not with how his head was constantly hanging low, face hidden behind his hair. However, the moment Shixun’s shadow entered his vision, Lu Han slowly looked up. He slowly looked up, only to have his eyes widen immensely the moment he saw who was standing in front of him.  

“S-Shixun…” Lu Han said, the tremble clearly audible in his voice, “W-What… What are you doing here?”

“I came to look for you,” Shixun said honestly, watching how Lu Han was shaking nervously.

Lu Han quickly looked down, frantically moving around and trying to clean everything up, only to drop the ice cream scoop, “I s-see-” Lu Han crouched down to pick it up, but Shixun beat him to it, “I-”

Shixun smiled a little as he handed Lu Han the ice cream scoop, “Here.”

Lu Han’s breath hitched as he stared at Shixun’s extended arm, waiting for a moment before tentatively reaching out for the scoop. Lu Han was on his guard, carefully watching Shixun. Shixun could see the uncertainty and distress swimming in his eyes. He could see the fear. The fright.

“I want to talk to you,” Shixun said as he watched Lu Han intently.

Lu Han did not dare to look up to meet his eyes, “I- There’s nothing to-”

“I’m angry at you,” Shixun said truthfully, and the words made Lu Han stop with whatever he was doing immediately, “I’m angry and hurt and disappointed and sad and, really, I think I’m simply going crazy.”

The hurt in Lu Han’s eyes was so clear as the smaller male spoke out through trembling lips, “I-I’m so sorry, Shixun-”

“But I want to forgive you,” Shixun cut him off, eyes slowly being filled with warmth, “I… I want to hear what you got to say and get myself to forgive you.”

Shixun felt so many things, so many emotions, but that did not take away the fact that he wanted to forgive Lu Han. He told Lu Han before that Lu Han would be forgiven for what he had done. Shixun was not going to take back those words. Lu Han regretted what he had done and decided to reveal the truth, and that took courage. That took courage that Shixun could never overlook. Shixun understood as least that much.

Back then he was too caught up to even think about forgiving Lu Han, but right now he was willing to give it a try. As long as Lu Han told him the truth, Shixun would find it in himself to forgive Lu Han, because he knew that he must mean a lot to Lu Han if Lu Han dared to tell him everything. If Lu Han was able to overcome his fear of losing Shixun by revealing the truth, then Lu Han was already someone worth loving for. Everything aside, that already would be enough for Shixun to love Lu Han wholeheartedly, never giving up.

“I… I don’t have anything more to say…” Lu Han said before turning his back to Shixun, “Please, go back.”

Shixun saw Lu Han about to take a step away from him, and he was quick to stop Lu Han, “Back then, when you told me about the lies, it was because you care about me, right?”

“S-Shixun-ah…” Lu Han said softly, hand reaching out to hide his face even though Shixun was not able to see it, “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry,” Shixun said before walking up to Lu Han until he was only inches away, swiftly turning Lu Han around to look right into those watery eyes, “I don’t want to hear you telling me you’re sorry.”

“T-Then… Then what do you want, Shixun-ah?” Lu Han managed to say through the tears.

Shixun gently wiped off the tears before moving his head down to meet Lu Han’s eyes, “I want you to tell me everything. I want you to tell me how you see me, what you feel for me.”

Most importantly, Shixun only needed to hear one thing. He only needed to hear one thing and nothing else would really matter anymore. Everything else could be worked out. Whatever obstacles they had to overcome, whatever problems they had to solve, everything could be worked out. Shixun would figure it out. He would find a way to make it work. He just needed to make sure that Lu Han felt the same for him.

He needed to know that Lu Han loved him too.

“I- I don’t deserve to-” Lu Han said while frantically looking around, not wanting to meet Shixun’s eyes.

“Let me decide whether you deserve it or not,” Shixun said before holding onto Lu Han’s face with both his hands, “but tell me first, do you love me?”

Lu Han hesitated before looking Shixun in the eyes, frighteningly but nevertheless daring to lock gazes with Shixun. He looked so vulnerable right now, so fragile.

“I- I don’t-” Lu Han said while struggling to free himself from Shixun’s tight gasp.

However, Shixun was determined to get Lu Han to tell him. He was determined to have Lu Han tell him everything. He held onto Lu Han’s face, forcing the other to look him straight in the eyes. He was determined to hear what Lu Han really felt. He did not want to hear any lies anymore. And when he felt that Lu Han kept on trying to get away, he moved his head down and locked lips with Lu Han.

He did not care about anything as he pressed his lips against Lu Han, did not care about anything that might be the truth or might be a lie. Essentially, Shixun knew nothing. He did not know who he really was, where he really belonged. Shixun knew nothing about. And in a way, he also did not know what Lu Han was thinking, what Lu Han was feeling and going through. However, there was one thing he did know for certain.

He was in love with Lu Han.

And he was not going to have Lu Han run away from him. Not without answers. And actually, the moment he felt Lu Han slowly stopping to struggle, slowly stopping to push him away, Shixun had already known the answer. He had already gotten the answer he wanted the moment he saw Lu Han’s eyes fluttering close, lips responding to his. Shixun already knew. But he needed to hear.

“I dare you,” Shixun said the moment their lips were removed from each other, his breathing slightly heavy, taking in how Lu Han looked at him with a drowsy expression.

“I dare you to tell me you love me.”