Regret came hitting Shixun right in the face at the sight of Lu Han sitting on his bed, eyes glued to the toy in his hands. The grey robot toy with the big smile that Shixun himself had given to Lu Han. Back then, things were easy. Back then, all he thought about were things like how to make Lu Han happy. He came up with the I dare you game all for the sake of getting Lu Han out of his shell, wanting Lu Han to learn to be fearless. If he really were to have to give a reason for all he had done for Lu Han, from the toy he had bought for the other to standing up for Lu Han when he was getting bothered by Jonghyun, it probably would be that he felt the need to. Lu Han was his cousin who looked as though he could not properly take care of himself. Sehun, physically taller and mentally calmer, felt the need to stand up for the other.

And as time passed, they got attached to each other, and doing things for Lu Han began to be as normal as breathing. Lu Han would cook and he would wash the dishes. Lu Han would do the laundry and he would hang them up. Lu Han would fool around with Yixing instead of working and he would make sure the visitors would have decent rooms to stay in. Lu Han would be sad and he would make him happy. Lu Han would cry and he would do anything Lu Han wanted just for the other to stop crying. Lu Han would have nightmares and he would lean against the bed while watching over Lu Han, gently patting the other’s head while wishing the nightmares to leave the smaller male alone already. As time passed, this was the routine they had fallen into.

So seeing Lu Han looking at the toy with a blank expression made him feel like he had just ruined everything they had, everything they had built. And maybe what they gradually grew into was a dream that they desperately needed to wake up to, but getting cold water thrown at your face hurt. It hurt because the dream was so nice and pretty and reality so bitter. And Shixun was not even sure whether he should keep his distance from Lu Han from now on or not. Either way felt wrong. Either way hurt.

“Oh, Shixun,” Lu Han said softly when he noticed Shixun standing at the door opening, “why are you standing there? It’s late already, let’s go sleep.”

Shixun could not help but notice the strain in Lu Han’s smile and the forcefulness in the other’s seemingly content voice. It made the pit of his stomach feel sensitively cold all of a sudden, sending a shiver through his whole body. There was this nagging discomfort that kept on tugging at his heart as he watched Lu Han slowly but gently put the toy beside his pillow, eyeing it one last time before lying down on the bed, slowly pulling the thin blanket over his body. There was no glancing at Shixun, no more words, only silence that really could kill if it would last any longer.

“Good night,” Shixun spoke softly as he went to his mattress lying on the ground, aimlessly making himself comfortable as he laid on it.

There was a moment of silence before Lu Han’s reply came, “Good night.”

Shixun eyed the other from where he laid on the ground, heart clenching painfully at the sight of Lu Han’s back faced to him. Normally it never bothered him that much and he never really paid any attention to these kinds of actions, but all of a sudden it seemed so crazily significant it almost hurt physically.

Shixun swallowed once before speaking out softly, “I’m sorry for what I said before.”

Shixun was apologetic not for the reality itself, for reality remains something you would need to face. He was apologetic because things had to turn out this way. He was apologetic for the fact that he had to wake both of them up from a beautiful dream. He was apologetic because he had been careless. He had created the dream with his own two hands. He had created a bridge to Lu Han’s heart only to crush it right in front of Lu Han’s eyes. Most importantly, he had never treated Lu Han as a cousin, never saw him as one, and maybe that was the biggest mistake he could have ever made.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, Shixun…” Lu Han replied in such a low volume that it almost sounded like a whisper, voice filled with raw emotions.

Shixun so badly wanted to say something. There were actually thousand of words filling his mind, but not one seemed appropriate to me spoken at the moment. None of them seemed to be able to pass his lips and reach Lu Han’s ears. It made his head feel dizzy because the impact was simply huge. He wanted to speak but no words came out and everything just kept on being boiled up inside of him. And maybe it was better to keep it all uncomfortably bottled up inside of him because speaking even one word would be the end. Apologizing was already the first batch of salt thrown onto Lu Han’s fresh wounds, and Shixun really should start to think twice before speaking again.

“You came here because you wanted a little break from everything, and you missed me.”

Nothing felt good anymore.

Shixun buried his face deeper in his pillow.

Nothing felt right anymore.

»

The next morning was suffocating. They would speak to each other but always with the kind of wariness that made one tired after a while. Lu Han and he would greet each other before silently washing their faces, brushing their teeth and changing their clothes. Breakfast would be eaten at the hostel today but neither of them really had the appetite for it. For a fleeting moment Shixun had thought about bringing up the matter again, but the moment Lu Han looked at him with a gaze that seemed to focus on Shixun but also not, Shixun realized that certain things were better left unspoken for the time being. So he swallowed up whatever he had planned to say, agreeing that silence was better.

“I need to go to Jongdae’s place today,” Lu Han said the moment they got inside the car.

Shixun was too quick to reply, “I’ll stay at the hostel.”

And realization of what he had just said came too late, causing his eyes to widen as he immediately turned to look at Lu Han. Lu Han looked at him with disappointment, with hurt that he tried so desperately to hide, because they both knew this was the first time Shixun had ever openly said he would not accompany Lu Han somewhere. All this time, they had been stuck together, aside from the small disappearances when Shixun went to earn some money on his own. This was the first time Shixun had clearly told Lu Han he would not go with the smaller male. It was a clear try from Shixun’s side to start drawing a line, and it hurt. It hurt a lot.

“I’m sorry-” Shixun began, the distress filling him rapidly.

“I understand,” Lu Han said with a weak smile before looking in front of him, “it’s okay, I’ll tell Minseok you’ll help him out today.”

Shixun could only bit on his lower lip, regretting his thoughtless words. He had not meant to be so harsh and draw the line so clearly. He had not meant to cause everything to change so quickly. However, ever since those haunting thoughts invaded his mind, he had not been able to stop himself from thinking what he would do the moment he would have to get back. He could regain his memories tomorrow, in a month, or even never. Nobody knew. It was simply too overwhelming, the thought too impactful for him to sit down calmly and maintain his close relationship with Lu Han. He needed to draw the line as soon as possible, stop letting his heart decide and let his head take over. His heart was not reliable at the moment.

His heart was not reliable because it wanted more than it should. It wanted things his head would have never permitted. The heart wanted to seize the days but the head continuously reminded him that enough was enough. The head told him again and again to net get himself too involved in this life that he was not granted for a lifetime, that he would be doomed if he were to get too attached to this place. Maybe it was the memory loss that made him want to cling onto whatever came up first, and he had been desperate to hold onto it. Maybe it was the fact that the joy he experienced in this place was too overwhelming. He did not know. He just knew that he was getting too attached, Lu Han was getting too attached, even Minseok and Yixing were getting too attached, and that was not supposed to happen.

The drive to the hostel took a subjective eternity, but only because time seemed to drag and Shixun wanted to get out as soon as possible. He was afraid of what he might say and what he might do. Shixun did not like this. He did not like this at all. He disliked how he seemed to have absolutely no control about the things that meant the most. He could not accept the fact that his peace had been disrupted and all he could do was hopelessly wait. He was not one to see problems as troubles that were impossible to overcome. He was the kind of person who would look for an answer for everything, would come up with a solution for whatever problem he was facing. So having no idea when he was going to regain his memory and when he would have to leave, was something he absolutely disliked.

“Shixun…” Lu Han spoke up all of a sudden, catching Shixun’s attention immediately, “Are you troubled?”

Lu Han spoke with carefulness, with fear for saying the wrong thing. Shixun wished he could tell Lu Han that it was not his fault. That it was nobody’s fault and that they should just consider this as the end of something they should have never desired for in the first place.

“It’s nothing…” Shixun said after a while, eyes looking down at his hands.

“I’m sorry,” Was Lu Han’s sad reply, “I’m so sorry…”

And Shixun wanted to tell Lu Han that it was not his fault, wanted to yell at him to take back those words and throw away those thoughts. But he could not. Not when telling Lu Han that would only make Lu Han suffer more. Suffer because if Lu Han was not even granted to apologize for something he had no clue about yet, Shixun would take away Lu Han’s only way of letting out his feelings. And Lu Han would only continue to bottle things up. Shixun would never allow that to happen. So that was why he did not say anything more, letting the I’m sorry echo in his head, just to remind him of what he was supposed to give up on.

»

“Something’s wrong with you two,” Yixing said as he watched the two sitting next to each other, eating silently, “and it’s scaring me.”

Lu Han was the first to look up, an emotionless expression plastered on his face, “There’s nothing. We’re just… Tired.”

“No matter how tired you two are, the two of you would never be this quiet. Shixun loves to steal your meat, and you love to nag at him for always eat too much rice and still be so skinny. This isn’t normal,” Yixing said before his expression turned into a serious one, “and you two better make up soon because this is scaring the hell out of me. Come on, no hate within the family.”

A small, strained smile crept on Shixun’s face as he looked at Yixing, “There’s nothing, Yixing.”

Yixing threw him a glance that showed that he certainly was not believing Shixun’s words, “Is it because Lu Han went somewhere without you, so you had to work here in the hostel?”

Shixun shook his head, “No, it’s not.”

A sigh escaped Yixing’s lips, “Alright, I understand. I won’t ask any further. Just… Don’t take things too far. Everything can be discussed in a peaceful manner.”

Both Shixun and Lu Han nodded their heads weakly at this before continuing to eat silently. Shixun would throw occasional glances at Lu Han, only to find the other looking down at the food and nowhere else. And whenever he looked for too long, he would notice Yixing’s intense glance at him. Looking up only to meet Yixing’s furrowed eyebrows and questioning expression made Shixun quickly avert his gaze, because if there was one thing he did not need right now, then it was certainly more questions.

A sudden ringing of a cell phone caught all three’s attention. The moment Lu Han realized it was his phone that was going off, he hastily wiped his hands before fishing his phone out of his pocket. His gaze automatically glanced at the screen to see who was calling, and Shixun was certain Lu Han’s face visible lost some color as Lu Han continued to stare at the screen. He showed no signs of picking up the call. Shixun was close to telling Lu Han to answer it, but the fact that the smaller male had never acted like this with a phone call made him stay silent and watch the other carefully.

It took some excruciating long seconds, but soon Lu Han stood up and walked back inside the hostel, leaving Shixun and Yixing on their own. Shixun would be lying if he said he was not bothered by it. Lu Han seemed completely taken off guard and distressed. It made him wonder who would be able to have such an impact on Lu Han, causing him to feel so much fear with only one phone call. It made Shixun feel angry that Lu Han had to experience such helpless hopelessness.

“You’re worried,” Yixing stated, his eyes glued to Shixun.

Shixun did not look up as he replied, “Of course, he’s my cousin. I wouldn’t want him to get into trouble.”

“No, it’s not that,” Yixing said while shaking his head, “If it would only be because he’s your cousin and you wouldn’t want him to get into trouble, you wouldn’t show such a troubled expression,” Yixing reached out for his glass of water as he continued, “You’re afraid he’ll get hurt.”

“I…” Shixun gave the other a confused glare, “I don’t understand what the difference between the two would be. Clearly I wouldn’t want Lu Han to get into trouble, which would obviously bring him into a situation where he can get hurt.”

Yixing shook his head, “I don’t want to see Lu Han get into trouble and I felt sympathy when I saw Lu Han wear such a sad expression just now. I wouldn’t want to see sad and I would try my best to help and support him. However, you wore the kind of expression that showed you would do anything to avoid Lu Han getting hurt. Without even knowing what exactly is bothering Lu Han, you already vowed to yourself to make certain it won’t hurt Lu Han.”

This caused Shixun’s eyes to widen in shock. The words hit him right where he was most vulnerable right now. The words Yixing just said made him harshly swallow down the bubbling discomfort that was gradually clocking up his throat. It was something Shixun did not want to acknowledge, never wanted to acknowledge, because it was simply wrong.

“Do you like Lu Han more than you should?”

The question weighted much more than it should. Shixun felt the weight falling down on his shoulders instantly, and it made him desperately gasp out for air. It made him avert his gaze to the endless rows of trees at his left, a foolish attempt of the mind to escape from reality. It was an automatic reaction, a defense mechanism of the body and mind, but Shixun knew already that he would need to face it in the end. The problem was that he did not know how to. He was not even certain about his own feelings.

“I don’t know,” Shixun said before burying his face in his hands, “Yixing, I don’t know…”

“I think you’re just getting too attached to Lu Han,” Yixing tried gently, “don’t think too much about it.”

“I’m not supposed to stay here forever,” Shixun mumbled sadly, “but I think Lu Han seems to have forgotten that.”

There was a moment of silence before Yixing spoke, “He’s your cousin. Of course he’ll get attached to you, and of course he’ll miss you when you leave, but Shixun, that’s normal. Lu Han is an adult, he’ll cope with it.”

The thing was, Shixun knew for certain that Lu Han would not. He knew for certain Lu Han would not be able to simply say goodbye and then move on. It was this knowledge that made it so hard for Shixun to keep calm, because there would be no way to protect Lu Han when he was gone. There would be no way he would be able to make Lu Han smile, comfort him at times of sadness and laugh with him when he would be gone. The moment he was gone, Lu Han would be all on his own again.

“Oh, Lu Han,” Yixing suddenly said, voice laced with concern, “you’re back.”

Shixun’s eyes immediately went to look for Lu Han, heart falling when he saw the distressed and hurt expression on Lu Han’s face. Lu Han slowly walked towards the table, weakly sitting down next to Shixun without looking up to either of them.

“I’m s-sorry…” Lu Han stuttered unstably, trembling hands reaching out for his food, “Let’s continue eating…”

“Are you okay?” Shixun asked worriedly.

Lu Han glanced at him for a short moment, just long enough for Shixun to see the desperation swimming in those wide eyes that looked so frightened and scared and uncertain, “I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay!” Shixun yelled angrily, and when he saw that tears were threatening to fall down, Shixun instinctively lowered his voice into a desperate whisper, “Please don’t cry…”

“Do you want me to get Minseok, Lu Han?” Yixing asked gently, but his eyes were intently watching Shixun’s frantic actions.

Lu Han shook his head softly at this, “Don’t call him, it’s nothing.”

For a split second Shixun felt something negative towards Minseok when his name was thrown into the conversation, because there was absolutely no need for Minseok to be involved in this. Minseok, who cared so much for Lu Han, but who would not be able to understand the reasons behind Lu Han’s sadness. And Shixun shook away all the mocking laughter filling his head for thinking that he would be able to know the reason behind it all. That Shixun would be special. Because Shixun already selfishly told himself that he was special in Lu Han’s heart.

“Shixun, take him to one of the empty rooms to rest for a bit,” Yixing told Shixun, “Lu Han probably will need some time to calm down. I’ll clean this all up,” He said before throwing Shixun a warning expression, “Just make sure he calms down.”

Shixun simply nodded his head before slowly pulling Lu Han up on his feet, “Okay, I will. Come on, Lu Han, let’s go.”

“B-But-” Lu Han began while throwing Yixing an apologetic expression.

“Don’t worry, I won’t die because of some dishwashing,” Yixing said with a soft smile, “just go rest.”

Lu Han nodded his head thankfully for this and Shixun took this as a sign to take Lu Han into one of the rooms. He mindlessly walked into the hostel and the hallway, randomly choosing one of the rooms at the end. He gently pulled Lu Han inside before closing the door behind him, slowly leading Lu Han to bed to sit on. Lu Han really looked like he was about to cry, but knowing Lu Han, he would do absolutely everything to keep those tears in. He would not want anyone to see him cry, to see him lose himself. He would protect that part of himself with all his strength and might.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Shixun said while softly patting the other’s head, a gesture to calm Lu Han down.

Lu Han shook his head, “There’s nothing…” He bit his lips as he continued, “Nothing…”

A frustrated sigh left Shixun’s lips at this, “Stop keeping everything bottled up, Lu Han, it’s not good for you.”

However, Lu Han did not listen to Shixun at all. He just sat there on the bed, eyes glistering while emotionlessly looking at the wall in front of him. There was no signs of talking, no signs of crying, no signs of everything. It frustrated Shixun to no end, because he could not help if he did not know. He could not protect Lu Han if he did not even know against what. And it was in the spur of a moment, while he was caught up in so many emotions that seemed to drown him, that he threw himself onto Lu Han, embracing him tightly. He felt Lu Han’s body stiffen, his breath hitch, but Shixun just kept on holding onto him and eventually Lu Han relaxed again.

Shixun just needed to keep on trying, and never let go.

He moved his hand gingerly through Lu Han’s hair, “If you want to cry, then just cry.”

He felt Lu Han shaking his head against his shoulder, trembling fingers slowly reaching out to hold onto the fabric of Shixun’s shirt. The clenching of Lu Hans fingers onto Shixun’s got stronger and more desperate with the second, and Shixun just knew that Lu Han was trying his best to hold everything in.

“I dare you to cry, Lu Han.”

Lu Han might see crying as a weakness, as an action that would leave him vulnerable, but it was not. And although Shixun really disliked the sight of people crying, really hated it because he did not know how to deal with it, he would rather have Lu Han cry than not doing anything at all. Because not doing anything at all was even worse to deal with than crying.

“You… You can’t d-deal with crying people…” Lu Han said softly.

Shixun’s tightened his arms around Lu Han, “I never said that. I-I’m actually quite capable of dealing with crying people.”

A weak chuckle escaped Lu Han’s mouth, “No you’re not,” A soft sob followed as Lu Han pressed his lips against Shixun’s chest, “You’re not…”

Every sound that left Lu Han’s lips went straight to Shixun’s heart like little knives that left him bleeding. And there was the occasional reminder of his rational mind that this was wrong, absolutely wrong, because he was not supposed to feel like this. He was not supposed to feel so affected by Lu Han’s sadness. Lu Han was his cousin, and he was supposed to feel sympathetic towards Lu Han right now just like Yixing. He was not supposed to feel like he could kill whoever had hurt Lu Han.

But all such thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind as he slowly patted and soothingly patted Lu Han’s back, eyes fluttering close as he let Lu Han hold onto him as he pleased, “Everything’s going to be alright…”

“It won’t…” Lu Han said in a hopelessly sad voice, his head shaking frantically, “It won’t…”

“Don’t think like that, Lu Han…” Shixun said gently, “everything-”

“I’ll be all alone again…” Lu Han said while trembling furiously, “I’ll be left on my own again… Everyone will leave and I’ll be all alone again…” Lu Han dug his fingers painfully into Shixun’s waist, “I don’t want to be all alone again…”

“What are you talking about?” Shixun asked in slight fear, because he simply did not understand where Lu Han had gotten these thoughts from, “Nobody’s going anywhere…”

“I know-” Lu Han began before taking a deep breath, “I know you’ll have to leave at one point, I know that… And I know that she will never come back for me, I know she won’t-” Lu Han began to desperately hasp for air as he tried to speak out the words, “But I really wish she would. So badly that it hurts…”

“Hey, calm down,” Shixun said in utmost distress at the sight of Lu Han gasping for air and trembling so vigorously, tears continuously rolling down on both cheeks, “Who are you talking about?”

“My…” Lu Han took a moment to catch his breath before continuing, “My mother…”

It was the first time Shixun heard something about Lu Han’s family. It was the first time Lu Han told him something about his parents, his family, and it made Shixun’s heart ache. He was not sure whether he was ready to hear it. He was not certain whether he was capable of dealing with this kind of heavy information.

“She’s going to get married…” Lu Han said before bursting into tears again, “She won’t come back for me anymore.”

And this only confirmed Shixun’s assumptions because he had already expected something as heavy as this to be thrown at him. He had always suspected that Lu Han was too afraid to be left alone, too frightened to be thrown aside by people. And that was why he had wanted to keep his distance from Lu Han because he knew better than anyone else that Lu Han would break down the moment Shixun stepped out of his life. However, it was really a lose-lose situation because by distancing himself from Lu Han, he was actually already making Lu Han feel left alone. No matter how you looked at it, the damage was still there. And it made Shixun wonder what he could do to make it all better. It made him wonder whether hugging Lu Han right now was a good or a wrong thing to do. Probably a wrong thing.

Most likely a wrong thing.

“Shixun-ah…”

It was the first time Lu Han had said his name with such tenderness, such caution that made it seem as though his name was made out of fragile glass. It was the first time Lu Han had spoken out his name so lovingly, so gently, that it made Shixun want to hold onto Lu Han and never let go.

“What makes everyone else happy…” Lu Han began through his sniffles, his head leaning comfortably on Shixun’s shoulder, “Does that really not have to make me happy?”

“I… I’ll be able to find happiness?”

He remembered Lu Han asking him that once. He remembered it all too well, and all of a sudden the question made so much sense. It made so much sense because Shixun finally realized why Lu Han had asked. It made so much sense because Shixun finally understood. It made his heart clench hurtfully because it was so unfair that Lu Han had to feel something like this. It was so unfair that Lu Han had been filled with so much fright and helplessness for so long. He finally understood that he had done wrong. Absolutely wrong. Completely wrong.

Sinfully wrong.

“Lu Han…” Shixun said while looking down at the other, “You did nothing wrong.”

Lu Han broke apart right in front of him the moment the words filled the room, and agonizing cries slowly made its way out of Lu Han’s mouth. Shixun could only listen to them with pain, with knitted eyebrows and a horrible feeling at the pit of his stomach. He could only endure, because he had just said something that cut through everything that made Lu Han alive.

“Then…” Lu Han said through tears of sadness, “Then why can’t I be happy?”

Shixun wished so desperately he could say something, but he could not.

And maybe that hurt the most.

And maybe it was because of the hurt. Maybe it was because they were both too lost in their own world. Maybe, honestly, it was because Shixun really wanted to.

But his lips were pressed against Lu Han’s before his head could even remind himself to stop acting according to his heart.

»

Kyungsoo stood in front of the large window, innocently looking at how life was unfolding in front of his eyes. His hand slowly, unconsciously, went to clench onto the window frame as he thought about Sehun. He missed Sehun so terribly, so insanely. He wished for Sehun to come back already, to be safe and sound and right in front of him. He wanted Sehun to come back home already.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo said while looking the other longingly in the eyes.

Sehun grinned amusedly at this, “What’s with the sudden love confession?”

“I just wanted you to know,” Kyungsoo said, eyes fluttering close when Sehun touched his cheek tenderly.

“I knew from the moment you were mine,” Sehun said, causing Kyungsoo’s heart to flutter, “that you would be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

They kissed like it was their last, but it felt like their first.

“Sehun…” Kyungsoo said with a sad expression as he continued to look outside, watching the trees sway gently, “Come back already.”  

ROYELL needed Sehun. Sehun’s mother needed Sehun. Most importantly, he needed Sehun.