What’s happiness to you?

When Lu Han was still young and little, his elementary school teacher had asked the whole group this question. His classmate Kyuhyun had been quick to answer this question, saying that happiness was getting to play helicopter with his daddy. There was also the beauty of the class Yoona, who said that happiness is having her mother dress her up all prettily and making her feel like a princess. Lu Han also vaguely remembered other responses, but these two stuck to him the most. Reason?

Because it seemed as though a parent meant happiness.

When it came to Lu Han’s turn, he had said while looking down to his dirt shoes, Happiness is being happy. His gentle elementary teacher had looked him in the eyes with such warmth that it almost took his breath away, for it was so foreign to have someone look at him with such tenderness, as she asked, But what makes you happy, dear? Lu Han thought about it for a while, the silence in the class almost suffocating with the way innocent pairs of eyes looked in his direction, before he said, Whatever makes everyone else happy. His teacher had reached a hand out to touch his hair softly as she said, But you’re not everyone, and what makes everyone else happy doesn’t have to make you happy.

Actually, the fact was that he did not know what happiness really meant. He did not know. Nobody ever taught him what happiness was. He did not understood how happiness was supposed to feel. He thought that as long as he would get to have his mother dress him up nicely, play with him, he would feel happy. He would experience happiness. Lu Han did not understand how happiness would be different for everyone else. He only knew that when someone was sad, he would cry. When someone was angry, he would throw with things and scream. He thought that happiness worked in the same way.

And when his mother never treated him like other parents would treat their children, he decided that maybe he did not deserve happiness. Maybe he had been a bad boy, had done something wrong, had upset his mother, and therefore he did not deserve happiness. That was why when others were playing outside and smiling brightly, he would be locked up in a small attic where he was supposed to keep silent and never make a noise. That was why Lu Han would be yelled at by his mother whenever he would walk around the attic, making unnecessary noise that Lu Han was not allowed to make. He thought that the closest thing to happiness he would ever get was when his mother would come up to the attic, all tired and exhausted but still calling out his name with the smallest bit of motherly care, extending her calloused yet slender hand to him.

 But you’re not everyone, and what makes everyone else happy doesn’t have to make you happy.

Honestly, Lu Han did not know what would make him happy. He did not know, until he saw this movie in which the main character, a girl who was essentially poor and had a whole family that depended on her, eventually found her prince on a white horse. This prince charming would sweep her off her feet and lead her up the stairwell, holding onto her hand so tenderly as if she was the most beloved gem in the whole wide world. It was a movie that was close to all the fairytales he had heard about when he was young, but then again, it tugged at his heartstrings too painfully to accept it as something that would remain only a dream.

“In this world, there are only two types of people: those who have enough money to create fairytales and those who don’t have enough money to let go of those fairytales.”

Maybe, one day, he would find his prince who had enough money to make his fairytale reality.

Maybe, when that day does come, he will finally be able to experience happiness.

“Hey, Shixun, let’s go,” Lu Han said as he stood up, eyes glancing up at the sky, “it’s getting dark already.”

“Shall we play a game?” Shixun asked instead, eyes gleaming with innocent mischief as he looked at Lu Han, “I want to play a game.”

“What game? I don’t have money, Shixun,” Lu Han said as he sat down again, looking at Shixun with surprise, “and it’s time to go home and eat something.”

 “Come on, I want to show you something,” Shixun said before he grabbed Lu Han’s hand and tugged the smaller male with him as he ran off.

“Yah, Shixun, where are we going?!” Lu Han yelled in shock as they ran off the market square, “Shixun, do you even know where you’re going?!”

Shixun looked back to Lu Han before smiling brightly, “Just trust me.”

And that made Lu Han go silent completely, because Shixun only had to say that one sentence and Lu Han would jump off a cliff with him, believing that Shixun would make sure neither of them would be harmed. It was not jumping off a cliff for Shixun, it was the kind of intense trust that the words at this very moment created, making Lu Han believe that whatever Shixun would do, he would know precisely how to do it. It was trusting Shixun more than trusting himself, and that kind of feeling was both frightening as amazing.

All Lu Han saw were endless rows of houses, each of them gradually getting prettier than the last one, and he realized they must have gotten into the rich living area just outside the market square. It was the kind of place Lu Han could only look at it in awe as he enviously looked at the other side of the hedge just to get a glimpse of the fairytale going on at the other side. And whenever a person at the other side would catch his eyes and wear a disapproving expression, he would quickly rush off, never looking back.

“Shixun, what…” Lu Han began, but he did not know how to continue his sentence, did not even know what he wanted to say.

“Almost there,” Shixun merely said, tugging at his hand even stronger as they turned a corner.

They stopped in front of a beautiful house hidden behind walls of polished stones and grand doors made of the finest and strongest dark brown wood. Only the upper level of the house was visible, but it looked truly magnificent with the way its delicately decorated wide windows and high roof was painted against the late afternoon sky. It brought some kind of peace that someone like Lu Han could only dream of to ever gain. It was like falling in love with the moon, which brought an agonizing desire to get something you would never ever get. It was beautiful and destructive at the same time. Because it would either go surprisingly well or terribly wrong. He would either reach heaven or fall down into hell.

“Whoa…” Lu Han gasped, “It’s beautiful…”

“It is, right?” Shixun said with a smile before pointing at the entrance doors, “and the best thing is, it’s open.”

“What…” Lu Han’s eyes blinked at this before the words really sunk in, “W-Wait, Shixun, how did you even know this? And w-what do you want to do?” He desperately tugged at Shixun’s shirt as he said, “Come on, let’s go.”

“I dare you to get inside,” Shixun said, not moving an inch as he looked Lu Han straight in his eyes and right in this soul.

“W-What, no… No!” Lu Han spoke out loudly, “We’re not going to break into someone’s house!”

“We’re not breaking into anyone’s house when you don’t even have to do anything to get inside,” Shixun argued before pushing the door a little, the creaking sound resonating in Lu Han’s ears like crazy, “come on, let’s get inside. Nothing can go wrong.”

“Nothing can go wrong?” Lu Han spoke out in disbelief, “Shixun, do you even know what you’re doing? We’re going to get caught!”

“There’s no one, I’m certain, there’s not even any lights on,” Shixun said before he pushed the door some more, causing Lu Han to get a glimpse of a beautiful garden and a swimming pool, “Come on, we’ve this amazing luck to find such a beautiful house that we can get into. Let’s just see what’s on the other side of the doors. Be fearless for once.”

“No, Shixun, we’re not going-” Lu Han argued, still reluctant to follow Shixun’s absurdity.

“What’s life without a little thrill,” Shixun said before giving one last teasing glance, “I dare you,” And with that he went inside, leaving Lu Han all alone.

Lu Han refused to get inside, too frightened that he would get caught. He believed that as long as he did not get in, the fun with be gone and Shixun would get out soon. However, time continued ticking and there was no sign of Shixun ever getting out. And it brought Lu Han fear. What if even tried to get inside the house? What if Shixun was caught? What if… Lu Han snapped his eyes shut as he chased all those questions away, begging them to leave him alone. But the nagging feeling remained and unconsciously his hand already moved to the door, trembling fingers clutching onto the door.

Lu Han might seem without fears but he was not really without fears. Actually, he had lots of fears. He had lots of doubts and fears and other feelings that ate him up from the inside. It was like poison spreading inside of him, taking over his body and mind. Fear was something that could control a person so strongly, that one would not even know how the world looked like without these glasses on. Lu Han was the kind of person who directed his life all depending on the many fears he felt. What he did and how he did it – all of it depended on the fears haunting him.

“Just trust me.”

Lu Han bit his lip harshly before opening his eyes. His gaze instinctively went down to the bag he was holding onto.

“Be fearless for once.”

A sudden urge to just follow his heart and ignore his mind made him open the door and rush inside, forgetting all the warnings going off inside his head. The chatterbox inside his mind was coming up with thousands of reasons why this was a bad thing to do, but his heart won with only one reason.

“I dare you.”

And the moment he saw the tall trees and the colorful flowers and the swimming pool that reflected another universe, Lu Han thought that being fearless might not be such a bad thing after all. For being fearless never meant having no fears. Everyone has fears. It was to do what you fear. If you were able to face your fear, never letting it decide your life, you are fearless.

And seeing Shixun sitting at the pool, looking at him with glistering eyes that slowly turned into those crescent moons that seemed to symbolize whatever Lu Han had always wanted, he thought that maybe being fearless really is what made you live.

“Told you it was worth it, right?” Shixun said before his lips curved upwards and reached his eyes.

“You…” Lu Han said as he slowly made his way to Shixun, hesitantly taking a seat next to the other after checking the surrounding several times, gently putting the bag next to Shixun’s, “You’re crazy.”

“You can only move forwards when you dare to take risks. In the end,” Shixun spoke out before looking in front of him, “nothing safe is worth the effort.”

Maybe Shixun did it on purpose. Maybe he did not. Maybe Shixun knew exactly what Lu Han wanted to hear. Maybe he did not. Maybe Shixun could see right through him. Maybe he did not. Lu Han would not know. All he knew was that Shixun’s words hit home more than any words ever did. All he knew was that Shixun had a way of showing his way of thinking, his perspective of life, in such a way that chased away all of Lu Han’s doubts. It was crazy, insane, and there really was no logic behind it. Shixun had that kind of impact, and it was influencing everything Lu Han was. And it made Lu Han think…

Was this happiness?

“You’re one of a kind, Shixun,” Lu Han said before a chuckle escaped his lips, “you’re really one of a kind.”

Laughter left Shixun’s mouth, “You’re quite special yourself, Lu Han.”

This caused Lu Han to blink his eyes, “You…”

“What’s with me?” Shixun asked in surprise.

There was a moment of silence before Lu Han chuckled, “Nothing. It’s just… I’ve never heard you call out my name. Actually, I’ve never heard you call me anything.”

“Well, it’s just that I didn’t know whether it would be right to call you Lu Han, since I actually don’t know who’s older and how I used to call you. And calling you cousin just never really seemed to sound that right in my ears,” Shixun replied honestly, “so in the end, Lu Han seemed the best option to me.”

Maybe it should not have surprised Lu Han that much, but it nevertheless did. But always in a good way. When it came to Shixun, it was always in a good way.

“You care too much for someone who does things you don’t approve of,” Lu Han said as he looked away from the other.

“You haven’t stolen anything or killed anyone or did anything bad that caused any harm,” Shixun said gently, “so no matter what, I would never be able to dislike you. You’re my cousin, and you’re a good cousin, and you’re also a good person. I can never dislike you when I know that.”

A pang of guilt filled Lu Han as he looked Shixun in the eyes, sadness exploding inside of him as he remembered how he had hit Shixun with the car, “I’m not as good as you think I am, Shixun…” And the bad memories began to infiltrate his mind once again, causing all good feelings to disappear like the wind, “I’ve accidentally hurt someone before…”

It was a blow for Lu Han to realize that he had become so attached to someone he was never supposed to get attached to in the first place. Shixun was not his cousin, was not even someone he knew. Shixun was someone he had created out of fear and cowardice. Shixun was nothing but a lie, and Lu Han was never supposed to get too attached to a lie. A lie that would get exposed sooner or later, a bomb that would explode sooner or later. And he was not supposed to get too close to the bomb just to get hurt when it would explode. He was not supposed to get too close to the fire and get himself burnt.

“I’m sure this person will forgive you,” Shixun said, cutting into the silence with his knife-like voice, “because you never meant to harm anyone, and accidents happen.”

“Forgive me?” Lu Han spoke out softly before a sad chuckle escaped his mouth, “The thing is, I don’t even know whether I want to be forgiven...”

To be forgiven for being such a coward that cared more about his own well being than someone else, he did not know whether he deserved that. He did not know whether he would ever let himself deserve something as wonderful as forgiveness. Nightmares at night reminded him about what he had done, flashbacks tinted in red remembered him of what he had caused, and there really was no way he would ever be able to forgive himself for it.

A pat on his head caused him to startle, but the familiarly of the touch was quick to soothe his heart again. Shixun already had such an influence of his body and mind. It was treacherous, dangerous, and Lu Han was not sure whether it was too late already to stop this before it would all go downwards.

“Stop being so harsh on yourself,” Shixun said before embracing the other.

Lu Han hated the way his heart would swell whenever Shixun would hug him. Lu Han hated himself for liking the way Shixun’s strong arms and lean body would feel against his skin, causing his eyes to flutter in utter bliss. A soft spring breeze caressed his hair while the smell of pool water reached his nose as he let the moment sink in. He could hear Shixun’s heartbeats more than he felt it against his shirt and skin, and he could feel Shixun’s breathing more than he heard it against the shell of his ear. Maybe beauty came in the form of something that could never reach the eyes. Maybe beauty was the way his shoes were slowly dipping into the water and the way the sun seemed to set so perfectly in a soft pastel orange hue. Maybe beauty was the way Shixun, someone who came riding on a spring’s wind and barging into Lu Han’s life relentlessly, but ever so confidently and wonderfully, sweeping Lu Han off his feet and showing him a world that Lu Han had never seen before.

“Easy for you to say,” Lu Han said before leaning his head against Shixun’s broad shoulder, eyelids slowly drooping down, “but how can you forgive a coward who-”

“If you don’t forgive yourself for being a coward, you’ll never be able to stop being a coward,” Shixun said before slowly moving his arms away from Lu Han’s body, “The first brave thing a coward needs to do, is to forgive himself.”

Tears started to form at the corners of Lu Han’s eyes as he let the words hit his consciousness, every single letter being burned on his memory. It burned in a way that made him want to cry out, but not in pain. Pain was almost nonexistent at the moment, completely irrelevant when it was compared to immense blow he felt inside. It was an explosion of feelings that made him grab onto his trousers harshly while biting on his lower lip with too much force. It was the kind of feeling that was too much, simply too much, and it hurt so much because there was no efficient way of getting it out. And it would never go away until Lu Han found a way to let it all out, to express himself until his heart would be understood. It was too big, simply too big, but the way Shixun was looking at him with so much care and support made him want to try to take the first step.

“So the first thing I need to do is forgive myself?” Lu Han asked weakly.

Shixun nodded his head, “Forgive your flaws, your flaws. Only then will you be able to find happiness.”

What’s happiness to you?

“I… I’ll be able to find happiness?” Lu Han asked hopefully, eyes glistering with wishful tears.

Shixun smiled at this, “Of course, because happiness comes from inside.”

Happiness comes from… Inside? It sounded so foreign to Lu Han. It sounded so unfamiliar for someone who spent his whole life thinking that happiness came in the form of a mother who would buy him a birthday present or a prince on a white horse who would bring him to a beautiful castle. Lu Han had spent too much of his time thinking that happiness was something that you either had or had not. Happiness was something that you either deserved or not. Happiness, he always thought, came from the outside, not from the inside.

“Let’s go,” Shixun said as he held onto Lu Han’s arm, pulling him up while his other hand went out to grab their bags, “it’s getting dark outside.”

Lu Han glanced down at the hand that held onto him, and contemplated whether happiness really could come from the inside, “Home?”

A bright smile crept on Shixun’s lips, “Home.”

This caused something warm to burst inside of Lu Han, something that felt too good. Too good and too foreign, and Lu Han really did not know what it was. It made him gasp for a moment because it was just too strong, too much, too harsh but too wonderful at the same time. It was almost addicting.

“It’s… It’s a good thing nobody caught us. I was afraid the owner would suddenly come back and find us,” Lu Han said as he slowly stood up, letting Shixun lead him back to the entrance.

This caused Shixun to stop in his track and turn around, an amused expression on his face, “You really didn’t know?”

“Know what?” Lu Han asked in surprise.

“That this house is on sale, so there’s no owner,” Shixun said before a cheeky smile appeared, “but it was fun seeing you all scared and distressed.”

“Y-You…” Lu Han said as his eyes gradually widened in shock, mouth turning into a wide, round shape, “You! You lied to me!” He yelled before hitting the other on the head, “Why would you lie to me!”

“It’s fun pulling a prank on you,” Shixun said before holding onto Lu Han’s wrist to prevent any more attacks from the smaller male, “but didn’t know you would really think I would just go into someone’s place uninvited.”

“You…”

Lu Han had so much to say, so much words he wanted to throw on Shixun. But nothing came out. Nothing when he looked right into those beautiful eyes. It could only make him sigh once before bursting into soft laughter.

“You’re one of a kind, Shixun,” Lu Han said before smiling brightly, “you’re truly one of a kind.”

Shixun looked surprised at first before his eyes turned into crescent moons again, hand already reaching out for Lu Han’s hand, “Ready to go home now?”

Lu Han looked down at their intertwined fingers before giving Shixun a nod, “All ready.”

And it might have been Lu Han’s imagination, but the image of Shixun’s back in front of him looked hauntingly handsome as they made their way back to the car.