“I can’t believe I fell in love with you, the person who took way my memories, my life… And most importantly… My heart.”

Certain things, when done wrong, will be irreversible.

Lu Han never wanted to hide it from Shixun. He never wanted to lie to Shixun. Back then, when he had hit Shixun with his car, he had been too caught up in fright to know what would be the best to do. Too much fright had filled his mind to be able to make a rational, justified decision. He was only human, and humans made mistakes sometimes. It was in the spur of the moment that he had brought Shixun to his place, out of cowardice that was unforgivable. He had lied to Shixun from the beginning, causing Shixun’s whole world to be based on lies. Everything that made Shixun himself was nothing but lies that Lu Han created out of fright. Everything that made Shixun himself was nothing but messy walls built by guilty hands.

Lu Han had never thought about telling Shixun the truth. Not until Shixun would remember the past. He had wanted to keep it a secret. Initially it was because he did not want Shixun to know what kind of person he really was. He did not have the courage to reveal what kind of person he really was. Slowly it became something Lu Han did not want to tell the other because he was frightened that Shixun would hate it the moment he knew. Lu Han did not want Shixun to hate him. He really did not want Shixun to hate him. He would not be able to cope with it. He wanted Shixun to keep on caring for him, keep on treating him like he was worth something, worth caring, worth loving. He was selfish to the point of no return, he knew that very well. He took away Shixun’s everything, locking him up in a world that revolved around Lu Han. Such a cold heart Lu Han had to make a person stay by his side in such a cruel way.

It was because of regret that he told Shixun the truth. He told Shixun the truth because Shixun had simply done too much for him, gave him too much, and he did not deserve it. He did not deserve such unconditional love from someone he was so incredibly sorry to. Shixun needed to know the truth. Shixun deserved to know the truth. Shixun had the right to know what kind of person Lu Han was. Lu Han just really hoped Shixun would not hate him for lying to him, he really hoped it. But this was not something that was up to Lu Han to decide. This was something only Shixun could decide.

However, he never thought Shixun would have fallen in love with him. He never thought that Shixun would feel the same for him. And in some way, he wished Shixun had not fallen in love with him. He really did wanted Shixun to love him, because he really did love Shixun and he wanted to have Shixun by his side. However, the fact that Shixun was in love with him meant it would only hurt Shixun more. It must hurt Shixun endlessly to have fallen in love with someone who lied to you about everything. It must hurt mercilessly to have fallen in love with someone like Lu Han. Shixun must be in so much pain right now, and Lu Han could only punish himself with regret for what he had done. The worst is that no matter how deeply he drowned himself in that pool of black guilt, there was no way he could ever take away Shixun’s pain. Shixun was hurt because of him, and there was simply nothing he could do about it.

“You… Did you want someone in your life so desperately…?” Shixun asked coldly, face twisted in pain, “Did you want to have someone by your side so badly that you… You did this to me?”

It sounded so cruel. All of a sudden Shixun’s words sounded so cruel and cold. It made Lu Han wants to cry and scream and yell at Shixun that it was not true. Lu Han never wanted Shixun like that. It might have been out of guilt in the beginning, and truth to be told at one point Lu Han was not even sure himself whether he had really just taken Shixun for granted in his own life, but he realized he did not. At one point he really thought he wanted to keep Shixun by his side for a lifetime, his miserable heart so desperately needing some love he had never really gotten. However, he realized he did not want that. He did not see Shixun as simply someone that could wash away the sadness inside of him.

Shixun meant too much to him to be merely such a person.

He realized this when Shixun told him to not get too attached to the taller male. He realized it then, because even though Lu Han had wanted so desperately to have Shixun stay by his side, he wanted Shixun to be happy even more. And if Shixun would be able to find more happiness somewhere else, far away from Lu Han, then Lu Han would not mind being left behind. It hurt a lot and even the thought alone made him burst into tears, but if Shixun would be happy without him, he would not stop Shixun from leaving. He would let Shixun go. 

Just like how he let his mother go, he was willing to let Shixun go.

“N-No, Shixun, l-listen to me-” Lu Han said with desperate, wide eyes, his head shaking furiously, “It’s not like that! It’s not like that at all!”

Shixun snapped his eyes shut, his breathing heavy and his face screaming with agony, “You- I can’t… I can’t,” He let out a sob the moment he tasted the saltiness of some of his tears, “I can’t…”

“Shixun, I- I’m sorry!” Lu Han yelled emotionally, red, pleading eyes trying to look into Shixun’s, “Please-”

“Then tell me! Tell me you didn’t bring me to your house out of cowardice! Tell me you didn’t treat me well only to soothe your own regretful, guilty heart! Tell me you didn’t lie to me because of your selfishness,” Shixun yelled before he leaned his head against Lu Han’s shoulder, a sad chuckle escaping his mouth, “Tell me, and I’ll believe you. Tell me you didn’t pretend to be comfortable around for the sake of keeping up those lies, and… And I’ll believe you.”

Lu Han knew that he only had to tell Shixun that he loved Shixun, that he had treated Shixun well out of his own will and not because of the guilt and regret pulling at his heart. He only needed to tell Shixun that, and everything would be solved. Shixun would believe him. Everything would be alright and Shixun would believe him. That would be a dream coming true. The seemingly perfect option.

However, Lu Han also knew better than to lie. He knew better than to lie. And although he now loved Shixun for who he was, treated him unconditionally well for the wonderful person he was, the beginning was not like that. In the beginning, Lu Han had lied for his own well-being. In the beginning, Lu Han did only think about himself. No matter how hard he tried to tell himself that Shixun is fine now and he treated him well, it did not take away the fact that Shixun had lost his memories because of him. Shixun had lost his memories and could have been in danger but Lu Han had done nothing but praying for a miracle. That was the truth, and Lu Han could not run away from the truth.

Not when it came to Shixun.

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han apologized with an emotionally raw voice, “I’m sorry, Shixun…”

Shixun shook his head before moving away his head from Lu Han’s shoulder, a melancholic smile lingering on his lips. The way Shixun looked at him made Lu Han painfully gulp. There were so many things those eyes seemed to tell him, so many conflicted emotions they seemed to carry, and Lu Han had been the cause of them all. He had been the cause of the turmoil, the chaos that Shixun did not deserve to experience. It had been him, and nobody else. And he could not help but hate himself for causing Shixun to experience such terrible pain.

“I need some time alone,” Shixun said without looking at him, his voice lacking any excitement and enthusiasm.

Lu Han’s heart jumped in fear because of this, “W-Where do you want to go?”

Shixun’s face scrunched up as he thought about it, before he let out a sigh, “I… I don’t- I… I wouldn’t even know where to go…” A self-pitying laughter escaped his mouth, “I really don’t have anywhere to go.”

“Then let’s go back to the hostel! I- I’ll ask Minseok to let you stay there!” Lu Han said immediately, eyes looking around everywhere out of distress, “Minseok and Yixing don’t know anything! You can stay with them! Just…” Lu Han glanced at him with pleading eyes, “Just don’t off somewhere on your own and disappear…”

There was a moment of silence as both let the words sink in. Lu Han was not sure whether he would really be able to get used to having his place all for his own again. It was a small apartment, he admitted, but Shixun had showed him that two people could indeed live in that apartment. Two people could live in an apartment that felt so cold alone but so warm with two. Lu Han would want nothing more than to have Shixun stay with him in that apartment. Lu Han would want nothing more than to have Shixun go home with him.

Home… Home was only if Shixun was there.

However, he would rather have Shixun stay in the hostel than going off somewhere. He would rather have Shixun in place that was safe, even if Lu Han was not there himself. It was saddening but it was the only solution that was bearable for Lu Han. As long as Shixun was still somewhere Lu Han could find him, then nothing else mattered. As long as there were Minseok and Yixing who would certainly watch over Shixun, nothing else mattered. He could deal with his own emotions. He could deal with his own selfish feelings and wants. As long as Shixun was safe, nothing else mattered.

“Okay,” Shixun said emptily.

As long as Shixun was still around, nothing else mattered. He could deal with the pain that was continuously being inflicted on his poor heart. He could deal with the sorrow and sadness. He could deal with it all. Even if he had to suffer to the point of almost dying, he would do so. It was the only thing he could do for Shixun.

»

The drive back to Incheon had nearly killed Lu Han. The silence was suffocating, and the heavy emotions resting on his shoulder nearly driving him crazy. Shixun had not spoken a word to him anymore after he agreed on staying at the hostel. He had remained absolutely silent after that, eyes glued to the scenery outside the window. Maybe it was for the better because then Shixun did not have to see how Lu Han’s expression was one of absolute devastation. Shixun did not have to see how Lu Han was so angry at himself for causing this mess. Maybe it was for the better.

Minseok was in the hostel when they arrived, eyes shining with excitement the moment his eyes landed on the two of them. He desperately wanted to know how the meeting with Explore Korea went. Lu Han had put up his best smile as he told Minseok about it, and Minseok was delighted to know they might have a chance. He was quick to thank Shixun, sincerely thanking him for all he had done for the hostel, when he noticed Shixun’s troubled and tired expression. Before Minseok could even ask anything about it, Lu Han immediately threw in the question whether it would be possible for Shixun to stay in the hostel for the time being. My apartment is too small for two people, Lu Han said with a strained smile. Minseok had eyed him for a moment, and Lu Han was certain that Minseok had seen right through his lie, before he nodded his head and said that Shixun was more than welcome to stay in the hostel.

“Lu Han,” Minseok spoke out the moment he closed the guest room, now Shixun’s room, “come with me?”

Lu Han looked into Minseok’s gentle eyes, silently nodding his head before following the other outside. He realized Minseok probably wanted to talk about him about Shixun. He understood Minseok’s intentions at least to such a point.

Minseok was his dear friend. Minseok had been the one who found him when his mother left him. Minseok had been the one who comforted him while Lu Han cried away the loneliness. Minseok had been the one who told Minseok that from that moment onwards, Minseok would be his family. Lu Han would always have Minseok to fall back upon. And even Yixing understood this wonderful piece of amiable love, because Yixing never minded when Minseok would have his arms wrapped around an empty Lu Han that wanted to be loved. At one point, Lu Han might have thought how beautiful it could be if Minseok were to really be in love with him, to really have someone loving him wholeheartedly, but Minseok was not that person for him. Lu Han understood. They never crossed the line of dear friends, and Lu Han was already grateful enough for that.

Minseok was important to him, and that was also why Lu Han would do absolutely anything to pay back for everything Minseok had done for him. Just like how Minseok saw him as an important brother, a dear friend, Lu Han would always be there for Minseok. If Minseok needed anything that Lu Han could help him get, Lu Han would be willing to jump into the deepest waters for it. That was their bond.

“Lu Han,” Minseok said the moment they got outside the hostel, a soft breeze gently whispering in their ears, “did something happen between Shixun and you?”

There was no blame, no accusing, nothing hostile. Minseok was like that. He would never make a judgment until he heard Lu Han’s side of the story. It made Lu Han smile sadly because Minseok meant a lot to him, but he had lied. He had lied to so many people, so many important people in his life, and it was all getting back on him now.  

“I…” Lu Han spoke out, his eyes scanning the empty street with a melancholia-filled heart, “Minseok… I lied to you,” Pain was written all over Lu Han’s face as he picked up the courage, “Shixun… Shixun isn’t my cousin.”

Shixun deserved to know, but so did Minseok, and Yixing. They all deserved to know. They had the right to know the truth. No matter how frightened Lu Han was of their reactions, he did not want to lie to them anymore.

“I know.”

Lu Han’s head jerked up at this, immediately turning to look at Minseok with pure shock. However, Minseok only gave him a smile in return. Nothing showed that Minseok was surprised by this revelation, as if he had known all along.

“Back then I asked you whether he was your relative, but you never answered me. As time passed by, my suspicions only grew. It’s not only because I think that if Shixun were to really be your relative, you wouldn’t treat him like you did. It’s because when you’re with him, nothing else really matters anymore. When Shixun is there, you aren’t scared of anything anymore. And that’s something your cousin could never give you,” Minseok said before warmly looking him in the eyes, “because family is something that brings you too much fright to make you have your guard completely down.”

“You.. You don’t dislike me for having lied to you?” Lu Han asked, the surprise filling his eyes.

Minseok chuckled, “Dislike you? Maybe disappointment at first, because I didn’t understand why you didn’t tell me the truth, but I realized there must be a reason behind it. A reason I don’t necessarily need to know if you’re not ready to tell me. I’ll just be there for you.”

Lu Han felt the tears forming in both eyes, pricking his eyes teasingly. Minseok trusted him without any suspicions, believed him without any doubts. Minseok was the friend he could not believe he was granted, because Minseok was just wonderful like that. And it made Lu Han feel remorseful for having lied to Minseok, for having disappointed the dear friend he cherished so much. He should not have kept things a secret. However, even though he did, Minseok still believed in him. Minseok still would see him as family, and love him nevertheless.

It made Lu Han wish that there had been someone who would tell him how to be a good person. It made him wish that there would be someone, or something, that could tell him how to make the right decisions. He did not want to hurt anyone, did not want to disappoint anyone, but his decisions had let to so many horrible consequences. Lu Han wished so badly that he knew how to do better. He wished so badly that he was not such a disappointing person. If only he knew. If only he knew, things would have been so much better. If only he was not such a coward who did not know how to make the right decisions, things would have been so much better.

“Minseok…” Lu Han said, too tired already to keep the tears in, “I…”

A sigh left Minseok’s curved up lips as he moved to embrace Lu Han, hand soothingly patting Lu Han’s back, “I told you to not get too attached to Shixun, didn’t I? But you never listen.”

A sob escaped Lu Han’s mouth as he threw himself onto the other, “Minseok… I did so wrong…”

“Whatever you’ve done, I’m sure Shixun will be able to forgive you,” Minseok said gently, “because you mean too much to him for him to stay angry at you for a lifetime. Whatever you’ve said, whatever you’ve done, as long as you tell him you’re sorry, he’ll be able to forgive you in the end.”

“He- Minseok, he told me he’s in love with me,” Lu Han spoke out in agony, endless tears staining Minseok’s jacket, “but I don’t deserve it. Minseok, I don’t deserve his love. I lied to him. I kept secrets from him. He shouldn’t have fallen in love with me. He shouldn’t have… He… Minseok, he doesn’t really love me.”

The thought had haunted him for quite some time now. The thought that Shixun did not love him for who he really was never left Lu Han alone. Lu Han was continuously reminded that Shixun saw him as a cousin who cared for him. Shixun saw him as the good-hearted cousin who was greedy but did not mean any harm. Shixun did not know that there were so many more things behind it. Shixun did not know the real Lu Han, the truth behind every action. And it frightened Lu Han that Shixun would dislike the real Lu Han, hate the real Lu Han. It frightened him that Shixun would be disappointed and would never want to have anything to do with Lu Han anymore.

Because Lu Han really did love Shixun.

“Lu Han, in this world, there’s no such thing as perfect beginnings and flawless love,” Minseok said softly.

“B-But love…” Lu Han said through the tears, “Isn’t love supposed to be pretty?”

Minseok chuckled at his while shaking his head, “Lu Han, let me tell you something.”

“T-Tell me what?” Lu Han asked with blinking, surprised eyes.

“True love is experiencing the highest, most beautiful ups and lowest, most painful downs together and still wanting to be with each other.”

»

Lu Han looked around with tears pricking his red, puffy eyes the moment he got back to his apartment. Images of Shixun sitting on the small couch in front of the television, of Shixun sitting on the kitchen chair while smilingly watching him cook, of Shixun washing the dishes while muttering his unhappiness about it, flashed in front of his eyes. It momentarily blinded him, took his breath away, and there was this hollow emptiness inside of him that felt so unbearable. It made his hand dart out to clench onto the fabric of his shirt right where his heart rested.

The house felt so empty.

Lu Han slumped down against the front door, hands instinctively reaching up to hide his crying face. The keys in one of his hands dropped mercilessly on the ground, causing a harsh and loud sound to reach his ears. It did not matter. The pain of the sound was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the pain he was feeling inside. Lu Han always hated the feeling of being all alone, the feeling of being neglected. Lu Han was always so frightened of it.

He missed Shixun so terribly much.

Lu Han let the tears roll down, even though his eyes hurt. His eyes hurt from all the crying, but he did not have the strength to stop himself. He hated crying, but he could not stop himself. There was just too much inside of him, too much that wanted to get out, and he was too tired to scream. He was too exhausted to yell. So, instead, he cried. He cried until he could not see clearly anymore. He cried until his eyes felt so numb he could not even keep them open anymore. He cried until there was only saltiness he tasted.

Time was no longer relevant to Lu Han as he sat on the ground, weakly leaning against the door while eyeing the room with glassy eyes. His gaze landed on the kitchen counter, unwashed dishes piled up in the sink. His heart clenched at the sight.

Shixun promised he would wash the dishes today.

It took everything Lu Han had to push himself to stand up and walk to the kitchen, stumbling to find the kitchen counter with a blurry vision. The blurriness made everything seem more distant, more far away, and less relevant. In an insanely crazy way, it felt pleasant. It felt pleasant because nothing seemed to get too close Lu Han, and that was good. That was good, indeed.

However, he did not bother with washing the dishes the moment he reached the kitchen counter. He completely neglected everything that lay in the sink, instead touching around to find a clean cup. The unclear vision made his action take longer, but eventually he found a cup. It took longer, but he was still able to do it. He mindlessly began to boil some water and look around for the instant coffee he was sure was somewhere. There was always some instant coffee in his apartment. And he needed it badly right now.

He poured the hot water once it was boiled into the cup, almost getting it on his hand in his mindlessness, before he thoughtlessly threw some instant coffee powder in the cup. He combined it messily with a spoon, glancing at the dark, steaming liquid intently. He then rummaged through the kitchen drawers, sadness filling his eyes the moment he found what he was looking for.

He was too frightened of the bitterness right now.

So he put so much sugar in the coffee that it resembled hot chocolate, the sweetness covering the bitterness Lu Han was so afraid of. He did not dare to stop putting sugar in his coffee, too afraid that it would not be sweet enough to hide the bitterness of the coffee. He was scared to death of the bitterness right now. Eventually he dropped the package of sugar on the counter, white sugar scattered on the surface like spilled milk, and his trembling hands reached out to the cup.

He cried as he drank up the coffee that did not even taste like coffee anymore, but like fake happiness.

Drops of salty tears fell into the cup, disappearing in the liquid but Lu Han drank it nevertheless, forcing himself to remember the taste of this cup of coffee.

The cup of coffee that resembled his life.