“Han, it’s me,” She said carefully, as if she was afraid to say something wrong.

It took Lu Han’s breath away, because he had not expected to hear from her. He had wished so badly to hear from her, but he never thought he really would. And no matter what, this woman remained his mother. The person who might not have loved him as much as he would have wanted but never treated him badly. She might not have been the perfect mother but she was never anywhere near bad. She had made sure he was able to grow up and go to school. She might not have celebrated his birthdays but she would kiss him on the cheek on those special days before going to sleep. She was still his mother. The only family he had.

“Mother,” Lu Han spoke out softly, eyes already gradually turning red at the realization that he was indeed talking to his mother, “Mother…”

“How are you doing?” She asked, and it almost sounded genuine and Lu Han almost felt the joy bursting inside of him, but she was quick to crush this all, “I wish I could’ve brought you with me to Seoul, Han, but you know I couldn’t.”

She was always like that. She never really gave Lu Han a chance to say a thing. She never really cared enough to let Lu Han tell her what he was really feeling. All the loneliness, the wants and desires, they were all locked up in his weak heart, contained within fragile metal bars. And whenever she would bring up the fact that she had left him all on his own, Lu Han could not help but think that maybe she really did not care enough. Because if the fact that she had left her own child for the sake of finding a new future somewhere else really bothered her, she would have come back for him. She would have regretted it and come back. And the fact that she did not was enough to make him think that maybe he was not worth it. In her eyes, Lu Han was not worth to come back for. Whatever she was striving for in Seoul was more important than he was.

“What-” Lu Han began before stopping himself to take a deep breath, “What made you call me?”

“I… Han…”

Whenever his mother was hesitant, Lu Han was sure that it was going to be something he would not like. He knew his mother would be like this, speaking hesitantly and carefully before crushing his heart all over. Seemingly caring about Lu Han’s feelings but in the end her own wants and needs came first. In the end, she always came first in her world.

“I’m getting married.”

It felt like a bucket of cold water had been emptied on top of his head. It felt like all of a sudden everything broke and fell into pieces and Lu Han just did not even know where to start picking up. He weakly leaned against the wall as he let the words echo in his head, trying to let reality sink in and realize that his wishes would never be fulfilled anymore. The wish to have his mother come back for him was never going to happen. Never. She was going to get a new family, and it felt terribly much as if the moment she told him she was going to get married, she had officially thrown him away. She no longer needed Lu Han as her family. She was going to get a new one. Probably a better one. And there was no need to keep Lu Han when she could get something much better.

“Will you be happy for me?” His mother asked softly.

It made Lu Han wonder whether it mattered. He knew. He knew she had asked the question because she wanted to hear him tell her it was okay and that he was happy for her. She wanted him to congratulate her. It would make her feel better. It would calm down the guilt that probably was resting somewhere deep inside of her, the mother that really did love Lu Han. She wanted to have him tell her that Lu Han would be happy for her and that he would be alright. How cruel she could be but Lu Han could never really blame her because he understood. He understood she wanted things he could not give to her.

He understood, and it hurt.

And although he really did not want to say he would be happy for her, because he childishly wanted to tell her that he was so close to breaking apart and he needed her so much, but he could not do it. He really could not bring himself to be as cruel as his mother. Deep inside he wanted to have his mother suffer, but he was afraid that if he purposely made her suffer, even a little, she would really never look back at him anymore. That it would really be goodbye. That she would really never turn back to look for Lu Han anymore.

“Of course,” Lu Han said weakly, his voice raw of melancholia, but he hid it well, “Of course…”

“Thank you,” His mother said, and for the first time since the conversation she sounded somewhat relieved and happy, “thank you, Han.”

And Lu Han was really close to throwing the phone against the wall, break down and start crying but he held it in like an emotionless robot because he did not want anyone to know what he was really feeling right now. He did not want to lose himself. He did not want his mother to know that it had nearly killed him to speak out those words. He was so crazily, insanely sad and unhappy right now, the emotions clocking up his throat in a suffocating manner, but nobody needed to know that. It would matter anyways. It would only make him seem weak.

 It would only make him even less deserving of happiness.

Lu Han never thought he would tell anyone. He never thought he would ever break down in front of someone so badly. Minseok had only seen him cry. Minseok had only seen his walls partly falling apart. Nobody had ever seen him completely falling into pieces, leaving him so vulnerable and clutching onto whoever was beside him with so much desperation that one retraction would be fatal. And most importantly, he had never told anyone about his family, never told anyone that he was frightened to death to be left alone. Nobody knew the reasons behind his strained smiles and lonely laughter. Most importantly, though, was the fact that he never thought it would be Shixun that he would be telling these things to. He never thought that Shixun, someone who had relentlessly but gracefully barged into his life, would become the first person to hear his deepest desires. He never thought that it would be Shixun, someone who probably would leave him alone one day and would hurt him like his mother had countless times.

However, the most, most important thing was that he was not sure whether he was dreaming right now, because there were lips gently pressed against his at the moment. He was not sure whether he was dreaming or not, but probably he was because Shixun was kissing him right now, tenderly touching his lips with his own, eyes looking at him as if he was something to be protected. Nobody ever looked at him like that. Minseok would sometimes look at Yixing like that while intertwining their fingers and it would be moments like that when envy would fill Lu Han because he wished he could find someone like that too. He wished there would be a prince for him too.

And Shixun was not rich, was essentially poor and without any properties, but the way Shixun looked at him made him look like a prince. He looked like a prince who would create a castle for the sake of making him happy, and that was already more than enough. Anymore and Lu Han would probably die. Die because there would simply be too much inside of him, too much that felt too good. Too much for Lu Han to deal with. Lu Han was not used to feeling something like this, but ever since Shixun came into his life, he started feeling it. Ever since Shixun marked his existence in Lu Han’s world, Lu Han started to see the world with more color, hear the world with more sound, and taste the world with more flavor. Shixun just needed to be there and Lu Han would feel like nothing could go wrong.

That was why Lu Han was so afraid of the thought that Shixun would leave one day. He knew Shixun had come to realize this fact. That was why he did not want Lu Han to become too attached. Lu Han knew. Lu Han understood. However, Lu Han wished he did not have to understand. He wished he could keep on being oblivious, because the moment Shixun said those words, Lu Han already felt the loneliness creeping in. The moment Shixun began to draw a line between them, Lu Han had already started to feel like he was going to be left alone any time soon. It made him want to cry because he did not know what to do anymore. He was not even sure whether he would be able to live in the same place anymore if Shixun were to leave. Probably not.

Shixun ended the kiss before Lu Han could really grasp it, leaning his forehead against the smaller male’s while looking Lu Han lovingly in the eyes, “You can be happy.”

 Lu Han looked Shixun intently in the eyes, letting the whisper sink in slowly. Lu Han was not sure whether someone like him could be happy, deserved to be happy. Ever since he was young, he thought that the reason why he was not happy was because he did not deserved to be happy. Back then everything needed a reason, and Lu Han thought that he just was not good enough to get any happiness. That was his logic, and it slowly began to poison all his thoughts, color everything inside of him. It became a deep integrated belief resting within Lu Han’s whole being.

He did not deserve happiness.

But here Shixun was, telling him that he can be happy, and Lu Han was not sure whether he wanted to believe that. He was not sure whether he could. It would be like throwing away everything that made him who he was, and that was scary. That was really frightening, because at one point trying to earn money had become his life goal, all for the sake of getting the happiness he wanted to deserve so much. And then Shixun came and told him that happiness came from the inside, and that he deserved happiness and Lu Han was not sure whether he could take that.  He was not sure whether he could make himself believe in it.

“You, too,” Shixun said slowly while gingerly wiping away some tears staining Lu Han’s cheeks, “deserve to be happy, Lu Han, don’t you ever dare to think otherwise.”

“A pinch of salt can help to reduce the bitterness of the coffee. It’s unlike sugar, because it doesn’t defeat bitterness by providing sweetness. It mellows the coffee by making its bitterness less strong without making it taste salty. It’s not something you would want to drink often, but it’s a good reminder of something important.”

“Shixun-ah…” Lu Han began softly, trying his best to keep calm this time as he spoke, “Can I ask you something?”

Shixun hummed while nodding his head, “Of course.”

Shixun’s smile turned softer at this, “That you don’t need to throw yourself into happiness for the sake of defeating sadness.”

“Could you make me some coffee with salt?”

Shixun broke out into a soft, amused laughter, “What? Why all of a sudden?”

Lu Han’s hand hesitantly went to hold onto one of Shixun’s finger, a moment of silence filling the room before he spoke, “I want to learn how to be happy,” He gulped down when he looked up to meet Shixun’s caring eyes, “You said happiness came from the inside, right? You really said it right? Because if it’s you who said it, then I’m willing to try to believe in it-”

Lu Han suddenly stopped talking when he felt something touching the corners of his lips. He blinked in surprise as he felt how Shixun slowly, gently, went to push the corners of his lips upwards while smiling at him with those beautiful eyes.

Shixun was making him smile.

“Yes, I said that,” Shixun said while keeping his fingers at the corners of Lu Han’s lips, “but the coffee will come later. We’ll be practicing right now.”

“P-Practicing?” Lu Han managed to say, lips forcefully pushed into something that could resemble a smile.

Shixun nodded, “Practice. You need to practice and learn how to smile.”

Lu Han furrowed his eyebrows questionably at this, “But I do know how to smile…”

“I’m teaching you how to smile correctly,” Shixun said while seriously watching over Lu Han, making sure the smile remained exactly as it was supposed to be.

“I don’t think this is the way, though,” Lu Han said, secretly enjoying the soft touch of Shixun’s slender fingers against his skin.

The moment Shixun’s smile brightened embarrassedly and his eyes turned into those crescent moons that Lu Han loved to see so much, Lu Han felt his lips curve upwards way too easily. Shixun smiled so brightly and looked so perfectly beautiful that it made Lu Han feel warm and bubbly inside. He did not know why, but it made him want to smile.

“That’s it!” Shixun said approvingly, “That’s how you should smile.”

Lu Han could only smile brighter at this, hoping he smiled correctly.

»

“This is ridiculous,” Baekhyun said before leaning back comfortably, arms confidently folded against his chest, “Even though everyone deserves vacation sometimes, it’s irresponsible and simply ridiculous for the CEO of ROYELL to be gone for an unconditional period. So, are we supposed to patiently wait for him to return before any important decisions will be made?” Baekhyun scoffed, “Ridiculous.”

Everyone listened warily as he spoke. Chanyeol had to bite down on his lower lip to not voice out his emotions and to remain calm. He had already expected that Baekhyun would make advantage of this situation, causing a ruckus at a board meeting only to have some shareholders start to question Sehun’s actions as the CEO of ROYELL. It was quite predictable but Chanyeol was still surprised that Baekhyun would really go through such lengths to get Sehun in trouble.

“As I already said,” Chanyeol spoke out calmly, “General Manager Oh is on vacation. Everything will stay the same. As the COO, I’m certain I can temporary take over General Manager Oh’s responsibilities until he’s back-”

“Excuse me,” Baekhyun said, feigning surprise, “but since when was it alright to have the COO taken over the CEO’s responsibilities when the other was absent? I know General Manager Oh made you responsible of holding conferences and meeting when he isn’t around, but are you telling me you’ll be the one to make decisions from now on until he’s back? Clearly you’ve got to be joking around.”

“I can’t believe he could be this irresponsible,” One of the shareholders said before giving the Chairlady, Sehun’s mother, a disapproving look, “I didn’t know your son would grow up to be like this, Chairlady Oh.”

“I assure you all that there’s nothing to worry about,” Chairlady Oh said gently but authoritatively, “Chanyeol is more than capable of taking over the CEO’s responsibilities until General Manager Oh is back.”

“I might not hold as many shares as the Oh family, but I think I still hold enough to be able to have my voice in this,” Baekhyun said coldly, lips curved into a smirk, “and I don’t think it’s justified of the CEO to simply disappear and leave everything behind, not even bothering to tell us when he’ll be back. How are we supposed to trust such a CEO?” Baekhyun then glances at the other shareholders, “I think we should need a deadline, right?”

Chanyeol’s hands turned into tightly fists as he saw some of the shareholders slowly nodding their heads. He knew this would happen. Baekhyun must have already talked to most of them, if not all, sneakily making them believe that Sehun was being absolutely irresponsible right now. Sehun was young, which already made him lose some respect from some elder shareholders, and together with his sudden disappearance, there were bound to be criticisms arising.

“Who wants a deadline?” Baekhyun asked before putting up his own hand.

The majority followed, and Chanyeol knew that even though the Oh’s held the most shares, Chairlady Oh could not ignore this. She could permit the other shareholders to be dissatisfied to the point of demanding compromises. She needed to give them an answer.

“I can’t give you a date,” Chairlady Oh tried while remaining calm.

Baekhyun smirked at this, “Then make one. We don’t have forever.”

Chairlady Oh looked Baekhyun deeply in the eyes, her facial expression never changing, before she spoke out, “How long did you had in mind?”

His smirk widened at this, “Two weeks.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened at this. In a way, two weeks was time. On the other hand, nobody knew when Sehun would be back. Any deadline was a bad deadline, because it would mean there would also be a time bomb in this whole situation. Not only did they have to find Sehun as soon as possible, they also had to do so as quickly as possible. If they failed to do so, things would really get bad.

“I’m already being really lenient right now, seeing how General Manager Oh has already been gone for a while now?”

Chairlady Oh looked at Chanyeol for a short second, who shook his head slightly, before looking back at Baekhyun, “One month.”

“Are you telling me General Manager Oh is going to be gone for almost two months? That’s not really something we can afford, right?”

“You asked me for a deadline, and I’m giving you one right now,” Chairlady Oh said sternly, “which is one month.”

Baekhyun looked around, and a victorious smirk danced on his lips at the sight of some disapproval before his eyes landed on Chairlady Oh, “One month it is, Chairlady Oh, but General Manager Oh better has a good reason for disappearing for so long.”

Chairlady Oh looked at him dangerously, “He has.”

This caused an evil glint to appear in Baekhyun’s eyes, “We’ll see.” 

»

Lu Han glanced at Shixun, who was busy welcoming one of the visitors. The way Shixun’s lips curved upwards made him unconsciously bring his fingers op to the corners of his lips, touching it slightly while watching Shixun smile. Ever since Shixun told him he was going to teach Lu Han how to smile, every morning was spent practicing how to smile correctly. Shixun would wake him up by pushing the corners of his lips upwards while he was in dreamland, because Shixun wanted him to smile the moment he woke up. It was kind of ridiculous but it really did make Lu Han feel warm inside whenever he would wake up to see Shixun smiling brightly at him while his eyes were formed into those crescent moons he loved so much. Shixun would continuously compliment him whenever his lips would curve upwards on his own, probably not knowing the real reason behind it.

Ever since that time, Shixun did not act so distant to him anymore, which he was eternally grateful for. Shixun was back to being the old Shixun he grew used to. It was… Almost as if they had not kissed. It was only after he had calmed down that he realized what the kiss meant. That Shixun might like him. Lu Han never thought it could happen. That someone like Shixun would like him. But Shixun did not speak a word about it and Lu Han could only be grateful that Shixun treated him like he used to. He was too happy to care about it. As long as Shixun was beside him, nothing else mattered.

“What the hell are you doing?” A voice suddenly asked right beside him.

Lu Han immediately moved away his hands, shockingly looking at his left to see Yixing watching him with a questioning expression, “I… I was just thinking.”

“I see,” Yixing said, not entirely convinced, “About?”

“About lunch,” Lu Han said before grinning childishly, “I’m hungry.”

“You’re hungry to the point you need to control your own mouth?” Yixing asked.

Lu Han’s cheeks got a soft pink tint at the sudden question. He was not sure how to answer it. Would Yixing find it weird if he were to tell him the reason? Would he make fun of Lu Han? Lu Han doubted he would, because Yixing was not like that. Yixing was too nice to do something like that.

“I was practicing how to smile,” Lu Han said honestly.

Yixing’s eyes widened at this, “Practicing how to smile?” Before a serious expression appeared, “Did Shixun teach you did?”

Lu Han blinked his eyes at this, “Eh? Yes, he was, why?”

Yixing scrutinized his eyes before looking away, “Nothing. Just… I… Never mind, I’m going to check on the cook.”

“Wait, Yixing,” Lu Han said the moment Yixing turned around, hand reaching out to hold onto Yixing’s arm, “What’s wrong, please tell me.”

Yixing glanced at him before sighing, “It’s just that I’m not sure whether I should be happy or not that Shixun, as your cousin, is changing you this much,” And with that Yixing walked away.

Lu Han watched Yixing’s back while letting the words sink in. Lu Han had never seen Shixun as his cousin, simply because he was not. However, for everyone else, Shixun was his cousin from Busan. Shixun was his cousin who came to visit Lu Han. It never really struck Lu Han that there were actually so many barriers between Shixun and him. Lu Han having hit him with the car. Lu Han making up that they were cousins. Shixun not having any memories of his real identity. Their time together being unclear. Layers of sheets that were making a clear line between them. And while the start seemed harmless and peaceful, it was slowly sinking in that there was no way anything could happen between the two of them. Shixun cared for him like a cousin, and that was actually already too much. Lu Han did not deserve it.

He did not deserve Shixun’s care and concern.

“Lu Han?” A sudden voice called out, causing him to jerk up his head.

His eyes automatically shone at the sight of Lu Han, before it dimmed visibly, “Shixun.”

“You were spacing out again,” Shixun said with a small smile, “but I wanted to ask you whether it would be okay to go to Seoul this Friday.”

The mention of the city made a shiver run through Lu Han’s body, “Seoul?”

Shixun nodded his head, “There’s a travel agency located in Seoul that is interested in finding hotels and hostels located in relatively peaceful places with nice sceneries. I think it’s worth the try to approach them,” Shixun looked at Lu Han with concern when he saw the smaller male biting on his lower lip, “Something wrong?”

“I… Do… Does it have to be Seoul?” Lu Han asked uncomfortably.

“You don’t want to go to Seoul?” Shixun asked while blinking his eyes in surprise, “Is there-”

“My-” Lu Han started, stopping early when he realized what he was about to say.

“My?” Shixun repeated, waiting patiently for Lu Han to continue.

But Lu Han was not certain whether he wanted to continue. Whether he wanted Shixun to know. Shixun knew enough already. Shixun had done enough already. Lu Han should stop himself from telling more, trying to peel off those layers, because he was not supposed to want more. He was not supposed to be this greedy.

“N-Nothing,” Lu Han said instead, “Nothing.”

Shixun’s eyebrows knitted together at this, clearly not satisfied with Lu Han’s reply. However, he did not ask further and Lu Han was grateful for that. Lu Han would not know what to reply if Shixun were to ask further. All of a sudden things were too complicated, and he was not sure how to behave anymore. He did not know how he was supposed to act in front of Shixun anymore.

That was probably why he was startled when he felt something touching the corners of his lips again. It was too familiar and too comfortable and Lu Han was starting to dislike it. He should have never let himself sink so far. He should have never let his heart take over his head. He should have known better than to open himself, leaving him vulnerable for another separation. He was so foolish for not learning from experience.

“You look better when you smile,” Shixun said warmly while pushing the corners up.

Lu Han looked Shixun in the eyes, watching intently how Shixun’s eyes shifted. He began to count the eyelashes and colors in the other’s eyes, completely mesmerized by it. It was so easy to tell himself to stop, but it was so hard to really stop. It was so hard when everything that made up Shixun was so fascinating and worth his attention.

It was so hard to stop watching, to stop wanting, to stop wishing.

The thoughts from earlier, the wake-up call from Yixing, made him realize that the kiss was not something that should be left unspoken. In Shixun’s eyes, Lu Han was his cousin. He needed to make things clear. He did not know how, or where to start, but all of a sudden misunderstandings were becoming too damaging and Lu Han felt the need to clear things up. He did not know how, but he needed to.

“Shixun, about the kiss-” Lu Han began, and he watched how Shixun’s eyes widened the moment he began.

“It was a mistake,” Shixun spoke out immediately, “I… I should’ve apologized before. It… It just sank in too late. I know it must have been…” Shixun’s expression fell into one of disappointment, and something that seemed to so closely resemble hurt, “Been disgusting for you. I… I was just caught up in the moment. I mean, we’re cousins, I wasn’t supposed to- I… I’m sorry. I avoided talking about after it happened, but I know I should be apologizing about it. I’m really sorry.”

It must have been disgusting for you. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

“N-No, Shixun, it’s-” Lu Han began, the distress rapidly creeping in.

“Let’s… Let’s forget about it, okay?”

There was a sudden pang of pain right where his heart was. All of sudden there was this sudden impact that made his head feel heavy and his body feel weak. Those words were like bullets going right through his body, hitting him at all the right places to make him crumble down. It made him see flashbacks of memories he shared with Shixun, replaying itself in his mind. All of a sudden things were too clear, and Lu Han felt terribly horrible. Because he did not want to forget. Because he did not want to forget even though he needed to.

Because he had probably, most likely, fallen in love with Shixun.

And he was not supposed to.

Because somewhere between wanting to make sure that Shixun would be alright and having him always around, Lu Han began to want more. Somewhere between fighting for the bathroom and stealing each other’s side dishes, Lu Han began to want more. Somewhere between Shixun embracing him and Lu Han accepting Shixun’s dares, Lu Han began to want more. And this more was finally revealing itself to Lu Han. It was finally beginning to become clear to Lu Han what he wanted. And it was absolutely wrong what he wanted, in too many ways.

He wanted Shixun.

But Shixun was not even Shixun. Shixun was the prince he created out of cowardice. And now he even dared to mess with Shixun’s head, making him feel guilty for something that he should not be feeling guilty about. Lu Han had messed it all up. Lu Han had done it all wrong.

“O-Of course…” Lu Han spoke out weakly, “We’re good cousins, right?”

Shixun smiled at this, “Indeed.”

And Lu Han had to bite on his tongue to stop himself from saying things he was not supposed to say. His feelings did not matter. His wishes did not matter. Things were already too messed up to put his feelings and wishes as a priority right now. Whatever he wanted…

He did not have the right to get it.