"I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?"

29

This is it…

I’m sorry, I want you to know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt you…

Krystal holds on to a letter she planned on leaving on Kai’s study table. She and Kai had spent the night recollecting old memories and making love, she can’t help but feel guilty over the fact that she’s going to leave Kai without saying anything and without him knowing why.

Her sister texted her earlier saying that their flight is at 9 am and Krystal’s slowly counting the time she has left with him. Kai usually wakes up at 10 am on a regular day so by the time Kai would read her letter, she’s already on a plane to America.

Krystal holds on to the letter, not knowing how to begin… she’s been thinking for a while on what are the right words to tell Kai but she figured, no matter what she say, Kai would probably still be mad at her for leaving him.

“Kai,

I’m sorry, I really am.” She started. Krystal bit her lip, unsure of what to really write. As much as she wanted to stay beside Kai, she knows she can’t. She just wants to finish writing the letter so she could leave because the longer she stares at Kai’s sleeping face, the longer she doesn’t want to.

“By the time you’re reading this, I’m probably on a plane to America already. I lied… I lied when I told you I’m never going to leave you and I’m sorry. Honestly, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that I was sick, I was supposed to leave without you not knowing the truth. I know it’s selfish of me to think like that but the others persuaded me to tell you and I did. I just don’t want you to know that I’m dying because I’m scared, Kai. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do…”

Krystal stops writing and stares at Kai, he looks so peaceful and Krystal knows she would regret breaking his heart. Krystal wonders what would happen when she gets back from America, would Kai be waiting for her or would she be one of the memories of the past, a memory he doesn’t want to remember. When that time comes, had Kai moved on and found himself a new love? Just the thought of it makes her heart ache.

“I know saying sorry isn’t enough to heal the pain that I’ve given you. But I hope you understand, I’m going to America for surgery and maybe to start over again but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to be a part of it. I’ll be back, I don’t know when but I’ll be back. It’s up to you if you still want me to be yours but if you don’t, I’ll understand.”

“Krystal?” Kai said and Krystal immediately hides the letter under a book.

“Hey, good morning. It’s too early, why are you up already?” Krystal asks, softly and Kai smiles at him. Krystal stood up and laid beside Kai, hugging him.

“I love you.” Krystal murmurs, face buried on the crook of Kai’s neck.

“Well, I love you too.” Kai replied, smiling and they stayed like that for a while. Krystal wanting to remember the warmth Kai was giving her, wanting to make it last.

“Why don’t you sleep then I’ll wake you up when breakfast’s ready.” Krystal said.

“Alright.”

When Kai went back to sleep, Krystal gathered all of her things and went downstairs to continue writing in the kitchen.

“I wrote this letter because I wanted to be completely honest with you, it’s the last thing I could do and I’ll tell you everything you need to know. Please don’t think that I don’t love you because I do, I really do. You are my first love and I think I wouldn’t be able to forget everything I know about you, the way you talk, smile, and laugh. The way you dance, how you would always leave small notes on my bag or in my pockets that would instantly brighten my day. I’ll miss you and I’ll miss every single thing that we do.