“…I…think…I…like Daehyun…”

What had I just said? Did I really mean it? No, I didn’t like Daehyun. No, no, no. I only liked him as a friend; nothing more. No, I didn’t like Daehyun. What I had just said wasn’t true. It wasn’t true. I didn’t like guys. I liked girls. My head is probably acting very strange for me to say those absurd things.

“Youngjae-ah… it’s okay.”

“No…” I widened my eyes and shook my head. “I-I-I don’t…l-l-like D-Daehyun.” I looked over at Yoona noona with my watery eyes and continued to shake my head. “I don’t like Daehyun, noona. I really don’t! I don’t! I don’t! I don’t!” Noona began to rub my back gently, but I continued shaking my head. “I don’t like Daehyun…I don’t like guys. I’m not gay!”

“Youngjae-ah, you already admitted it,” she said, but I shook my head.

“No…I didn’t. I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes,” I said before wiping the salty substance from my eyes. Noona took in a long sigh before shaking her head. 

“You’re going to have to face it sooner or later. You just don’t want to realize that you…like boys.” 

By that time, my eyes were already dried, but I could still feel the water coming out. I fumbled with my hands since I had nothing to do with them before slowly standing up and walked over to my open window. It was dark and there weren’t that many stars out from the bright lights of the city. I looked down from where the concrete floor was at and placed my hands on the edge of the window. I coughed.

“I hate myself. I hate everything. Can I just disappear from this world?”

“Don’t be dumb, Youngjae-ah,” Yoona noona said as I heard tiny footsteps coming towards me, but I didn’t bother with that. I chuckled before the watery substance was slowly coming back and I shook my head vigorously.

“I’m not being dumb. I’m being honest.”

“Well, you’re honesty is making you act dumb,” she retorted and I chuckled again. 

A door opening was heard and I quickly wiped my watery eyes before turning around, my mother walking in with a tray of cookies. I prayed in the inside if she hadn’t heard my conversation with Yoona noona. She looked at me with a small smile before noticing noona and frowning.

“Why aren’t you working?”

“Oh…I wanted to greet Youngjae,” noona said uneasily before taking a glance at me and quickly walked out. I looked at my mother whose face had turned back to a smile. She walked over to me, the metal tray making small noises as the cookies slightly moved here and there. 

“I made you some cookies,” she said as she picked a chocolate chip cookie up and handed it to me. I stared at the cookie nonchalantly before shaking my head slowly. My mother’s smile soon faltered into a frown. “You don’t want to try it?”

“I’m not hungry,” I said and she placed the cookie back on the tray. She set the tray on my bed before grabbing my hands and rubbed them softly. 

“Is something wrong?” Her face was confusing to read; was she worried? Mad? What was she feeling? I shook my head and took my hands out of her grasp. She awkwardly had set her hands on her side.

“Nothing is wrong. Can you please leave?”

My mother hadn’t said anything and only nodded her head before walking out of the room, forgetting about the cookies. I locked the door before walking over to my bed and grabbed the tray of cookies. I glared at them and looked over at my trashcan. I walked to the small trashcan and flipped the tray over, the cookies sliding into the trash can. When there were no more cookies on the tray, I placed the tray on top of the trash can. I sat on the edge of my bed and sighed. It was rather a long sigh. Then I looked all around my room. It had felt empty and emotionless. The walls had nothing on except the bland, white paint and the only furniture in the room was my bed, my desk, my closet, and a night stand. It was so simple. 

I decided I was going to go to bed and laid on the soft cushion. It took me a while to fall asleep, but after a few sheep counting, I drifted off into dreamland.

—————

When I had woken up for school, I felt awfully disgusting. It felt as though I was infected with some type of disease. It was the type of disease that would never be cured no matter what you could do. Once you get that disease, you can never cure it, sadly. And I was infected with that disease. When I had done nothing to deserve it, I ended up getting it and I seriously hated myself for being so weak. Maybe if I had been more stronger, I could’ve been safe from the disease. But, that’s not how it played out. No, I got the disease and now I’m stuck with it for the rest of my life and I can’t do anything about it.

It had been like any other school day: loads of school work having to be done along with loud shouts from Kyungsoo to Jongin and constant, annoying bragging from Baekhyun. Nothing special had happened like always, but it felt different. One of the reasons was me; I felt very different despite no one noticing. Obviously, I wasn’t doing anything out of the odd that would make Kyungsoo, Baekhyun or even Jongin notice. I was still acting like how I always acted, but it didn’t feel the same. It was just me who felt different. I didn’t feel the same anymore.

It was currently lunch time and, as always, I was sitting at my usual spot in the same table the I always sat at. No one had arrived yet, but I could easily spot Kyungsoo hitting Jongin’s shoulder at the lunch line. Baekhyun was no where to be seen, but then that loud “Hi, Youngjae-ah!” was heard and I flinched from how loud he had said it. Baekhyun slapped my back before placing himself next to me, smiling as always. I kept quiet despite the fact that the slap on my back had hurt. 

“Why do you look so gloomy and so boring?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” I replied, looking from my intertwined hands on my lap to the smiling Baekhyun. He only formed his mouth into an “O” shape while nodding when Kyungsoo and Jongin had arrived and sat across from us, as always. 

“Hey, Youngjae-ah!—Yah! You’re too close to me! Scoot a little!” 

Jongin had obediently slid a few inches away from Kyungsoo, but it was still visible that he was fairly close to Kyungsoo. 

“What’s wrong? You look rather sad,” blurted out Kyungsoo as he unwrapped his seaweed wrap. I only shook my head deliberately, but Kyungsoo didn’t believe it for he then had said, “No, something is wrong.”

“I know, right? I asked him the same thing, but he said he couldn’t sleep,” Baekhyun cried out and Kyungsoo smacked his seaweed wrap on Jongin’s chest before leaning over the lunch table. He raised an eyebrow at me before pointing a finger. Jongin stared at the seaweed wrap before slowly taking a small bite. I let out a small laugh.

“Nothing is wrong with me,” I said with a small smile. “But I was being honest when I said I couldn’t sleep well.” 

Kyungsoo hadn’t said anything and leaned back into his seat, smacking Jongin when he noticed the small bite at the tip of the seaweed wrap. Baekhyun had then jumped up from his seat before slamming his hands on the lunch table. 

“Did you guys hear about the Senior trip we’re going to have next week?!”

I glanced over at Kyungsoo and noticed Jongin had pieces of rice on his face and his eyes were closed. Kyungsoo had continued to cough on Jongin before grabbing his water bottle and drank from it. Poor Jongin looked rather disgusted at the moment as he slowly picked the rice pieces from his face. Kyungsoo slammed the water bottle on the table before glaring at Baekhyun.

“What do you mean we’re going to have a Senior trip next week?!”

“Didn’t your first period class announce it? Mine did,” Baekhyun said while tilting his head and placing his finger on his bottom lip. Kyungsoo scoffed before taking another sip from his water bottle. “They already put the list in the hallway of all the Senior’s names and another paper that says something about ‘choosing your partner’.” 

At the sound of that, Kyungsoo choked on his water before spitting some out on Jongin’s face. He looked at me before looking over at Baekhyun with a glare.

“And who do you plan on asking to be your partner?” 

Baekhyun simply shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he said before he gasped and widened his eyes in happiness. “Jung Daehyun, of course!” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes before turning his gaze over at me.

“Youngjae-ah, let’s be partners!” 

I was lost in thought when his name had been spoken that I hadn’t heard Kyungsoo. 

“Youngjae-ah!”

I blinked my eyes before shaking my head and looked at an exasperated Kyungsoo. 

“What?”

“I said let’s be partners for the trip next week!”

“—And we have to write down our name along with our partner’s name on the paper thing in the hallway!”

“Youngjae-ah, let’s be partners!”

“Kyungsoo hyung, what about me?”

“Shut up! You’re not a Senior!”

“I better go before someone takes my Daehyunnie away from me! It’s a first-come-first-serve battle and I’m not going to lose against all those other girls!”

“Youngjae-ah!”

“I don’t think I’ll go,” I blurted out in between everyone who was talking and Kyungsoo had his mouth agape. He scoffed before scrunching up his face.

“What do you mean you’re not going to go?! Who’s going to be my partner?”

“You could ask someone else. Maybe Jongin. I’m sure they will mistake him for a Senior.”

“Hell no!”

Baekhyun had halted his battle and blinked his eyes at me. I shrugged my shoulders before slowly getting up.

“I’ll see you guys later.” 

No one tried to stop me.

—————

School had finally ended and, once again, it felt very boring. He had stopped coming to Study Hall a long time ago and in English, he was forced to change seats so he sat on the other side of the class. I was walking out of the class when someone had jumped on top of me and I almost fell face-front if it had not been for Jongin to coincidentally stand in front of me and saving me from my death-fall. 

“Youngjae-ah! You’re my partner and that’s final!”

“What do you mean?”

“I put yours and my name on the list when the bell had rung so you can’t object anymore which means you have to go!”

I widened my eyes before straightening my back and swiftly turning around, Kyungsoo almost falling because of his wobbly feet.

“What? Why did you do that?!” 

Kyungsoo smirked as he adjusted his feet. 

“You can’t back out now,” he said and I glared at him. How dare he do that when I had said “no”! 

“I told you I’m not going!”

And with that, I walked all around the hallway in order to find the stupid list. Kyungsoo and Jongin were following behind and I could honestly hear a giggling sound coming from the short boy which annoyed the hell out of me. When I had finally found the paper, I traced my finger at the names written down and soon found mine and Kyugnsoo’s. I huffed before taking a pen out of my backpack and placed it right on my name when another name had caught my eyes. I hadn’t noticed it since I was skimming through the list quickly, but looking closely at the list, it was awfully noticeable. I dropped my hand to my side and heard Kyungsoo laughing. There, on the stupid piece of paper was the name I dearly hated and another name I hadn’t recognized. It wasn’t Baekhyun’s name nor was it any girl’s name, but a boy’s name. And it was entirely obvious that that name belonged to that stupid boy he always hanged out with. I tightened my hold on the pen and gritted my teeth. My eyes showed a nonchalant reaction, but inside they were really showing enragement and annoyance and pure…something. It was something that I couldn’t clearly describe because I didn’t know the right word for it. However, it was something that I didn’t clearly like.

“Ha! You can’t scribble your name out! You’re going whether you like it or not,” said Kyungsoo as he stood next to me with a smug smile on. I bit on my bottom lip before looking down at Kyungsoo with a glare. 

“I’m not going, Kyungsoo.”

“Oh, shut up Youngjae-ah,” Kyungsoo said as he flapped his hands back and forth. “It’s not like we’re going to be with Daehyun or Baekhyun. Besides, I heard the partner thing was only for the bus. Do you seriously not want to be my partner?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be your partner,” I assured with a soft sigh. “I just don’t want to go to this trip. Besides, my parents wouldn’t allow it.”

“A-ha,” Kyungsoo snapped his fingers and winked, “so that’s why you don’t want to go!”

“No, that’s no—“

“—Just lie to your parents and say you were chosen for some, I don’t know, science fair thing and you’re going to be at some camp.” 

“Kyungsoo, that’s not the reason I don’t want to go!”

“Then what is it? What could possibly surpass your parents of your decision to not go?”

I put on a small frown and shifted in my stance. I wasn’t going to tell Kyungsoo about my… unsure uality change for he would surely hate me and not want to be my friend anymore. Kyungsoo would be disgusted of me and would tell everyone since he liked to talk a lot. Then, once everyone would know, people would be disgusted of me and would glare at me. They would throw stuff at me and curse me out and they would call me that word I dreaded so much. No, I was not going to risk my friendship with Kyungsoo nor people’s glares just because of my unsure uality. 

I removed the frown from my face and replaced it with a small smile. Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow, but I ignored it. 

“You know what,” I said and placed my hand on his shoulder, “I’ll go.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened and I saw a hint of sparkles in them (somehow) and I never saw a huge smile like his than right now.

—————

Telling my parents about this trip was rather difficult to do since I could’t really tell them about the trip. I had to change it to something more “educational” and less “obnoxious” as my mother always referred to when it came to school activities. It was during dinner when my parents were discussing about some type of business that I wasn’t interested in when I had decided to blurt out something about a science fair. Of course I had taken the stupid plan Kyungsoo had told me since I honestly couldn’t think of a better lie than that. At first, my parents were confused on what I was talking about, but once I had elaborated for them on how I was one of the top students to enter the science fair, they began to look interested. 

“And you’re going where again?” 

“Ulsan,” I told my father and he widened his eyes.

“Well, Youngjae-ah…that’s very far.”

“But they want me to go because they really liked my project,” I said while twirling my fork on the noodles. My father grunted before grabbing a napkin and wiping his mouth while my mother awkwardly coughed.

“How many days will you stay over there?”

“It’s the whole weekend.”

“Three days? Is the science fair that long or what?”

“It’s because they have a lot of students attending this year,” I lied and I was hoping my father wasn’t going to ask anymore questions because I was slowly losing ideas for this lie. He hadn’t said anything so I then decided to ask him, “So…may I go?”

“I’ll let your mother decide on this one.”

I looked over at my mother. Her facial expression was neutral so I didn’t know if she was going to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. By then both of my hands were under the dinner table, playing around with each other as I waited for my mother’s answer. She looked away from her half eaten plate to look at me. I didn’t really notice, but from the corner of my eye I could see her hands sort of shaking.

“Will there be teachers going on this trip as well?”

“Yeah.”

“How many?”

“I don’t know, but I know there will be a good amount.”

My mother bit her bottom lip and grabbed my hands with her trembling ones.

“Youngjae-ah…”

Her eyes were beginning to glisten and I furrowed my eyebrows because why was she going to cry? 

“Mother, why are you starting to cry?”

“Oh, I’m just…scared.”

“Scared…? Of what?”

She let go of my hands to wipe away the small tears before getting up, picking her plate up, and walked into the kitchen. I looked over at my father and something about his odd facial expression made me think he knew what my mother was referring to. 

“Father…”

“Youngjae…she’s just scared for your safety. You know we get worried when you’re not with us.”

“I’ll be fine, though. There were teachers and I’m positive everyone is going to be placed into groups.”

My father took in a deep sigh. I took that as an unsure answer, but still hoped for the better.

In the end, both agreed on letting me go.

-----

Hey lovely readers! Wow, it's been four months since I've updated this story and I deeply apologize for that! The last time I updated was before school and basically, school took over my life and I hit writer's block so that too. I literally had no mojo to write this (or anything in fact) at all. Plus, I updated last year and btw HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope this year is better than last year! Anway, this chapter is whatevers...? The real and good stuff is going to come in the next chapter, I promise you guys that! I have it written down and I'll start writing the next chapter soon! Lolz, I'm reading this Author's Note right now and I sound so weird! As in my sentences are all scrambled up and whatnot! XD 

Okay, well, bye-bye! ^^