Indirect manipulation, was that some sort of voodoo curse? Can that explain the twisted knots tightening in the deep pits of my stomach? She was there, she wasn't there, it didn't matter to me, in fact it shouldn't matter to me, not even the slightest. It was almost like my mind automatically sought out the thought of her, my eyes would be focused on nothing but the sight of her. I didn't really want her presence around me but unconsciously, my mind wanders off then back. 

Our times together hadn't really change much after our fight, although that wasn't a great shocker. We never had actually spend quality times together other than living through dinners or maybe occasional times when Jessica would take every chance to tease or even call me out for her chores and business. I hate it, heck possibly even despised it. But that was nothing new. Only this part of our relationship stayed unchanging.

Although it was hard to admit Jessica hadn't been swing around in every part of my brain, it was even harder to admit that rather than hoping she would avoid me, I was actually hoping she would come look for me. Because the thought of this was literally insane. It wasn't like I wished to be around her, I wouldn't go out of my way just to make sure we spent time together, it was only when I wish Jessica would choose me over-- and if I were to finish the thought, that would have really scared me.

It wasn't as though I missed her constant chances to throw me unbearable annoyance; what I really missed wasn't the teasing younger sister I can't stand nor the she-devil who mind-played me into her every command, it was the girl who came after me last week. Jessica was always with me, always needing my help, but last week, it was different. 

The satisfaction that came rushing through as Jessica chased after me, when I rejected her but she came calling back repeatedly. That time when I wasn't chasing after Jessica's movements, as I walked further ahead of her and made her chase after lingering fragments of my shadow. Knowing that I was the only thing on Jessica's mind gave me a surge of thrill. Because at that time she was only looking at me. Somehow that made me sound awfully like a sadist.

If I had to start somewhere, I would have thought things would finally have taken a normal route, steering it's path back to my mindset. The whole graduating school, or maybe being scouted, I thought Jessica would have been the least of my worries. She's been on my mind contributing to my constant migraines during our dispute but even without us arguing, our constant nitpicking at each other, the trapped feeling had worsen itself by the thousands.

We were around each other yet we weren't near each other. She acknowledges me but doesn't notice me.  The distance between us never been further apart.

Ugh. Why was letting this get to me? 

Saturdays. Today was suppose to be the ever so stress relieving day of the week. So why was I locked up in my room, rushing to finish my essay, why is it that it's been an hour since I laid out my laptop and decided I would finish this essay today yet the only thing that was on the screen was my name. It wasn't as if I hadn't tried to start it; it was more to the point, I found it exceptionally difficult to give my essay a hundred percent of my attention. It was a Saturday morning; close to noon specifically, normally I would have been downstairs enjoying and amusing myself with whatever was airing on the television right now. So why is it the only thing I have to amuse myself with is this blinking line mocking me that I still had nothing typed.

A sudden explosion of laughter halted my fingers hovering over the keyboard who ready to start what was suppose to be done days ago and the sudden irritation I thought had left me be came washing back, only this time I nearly drowned in them. My body froze in place and unconsciously my breath hitched itself, the sudden silence left an obnoxious buzz in my ear. Bit by bit, I processed the commotion downstairs, but no matter how hard I strain my hearing, none of the voices went higher than murmuring. 

Once again, my unproductive self took over and I spent the next few minutes sitting in silence hoping to catch any conversation if I tried hard enough. Unfortunately, the walls were thick enough to mute out any other sound despite having my door open slightly. I couldn't believe what Jessica had turned me into even without trying, normally other people's conversation hold no concern to me but here I was neglecting my work while eavesdropping.

It had almost been an hour since Jessica's so called just a friend of a guy showed up at the front door. Barging in my barely begun breakfast, monopolizing the living room and insufferably enjoying their so called lovey dovey study date. God, it was so infuriating. Even though I should be glad, I should be thanking that guy for giving me the alone time I had  been craving so badly, so why couldn't I?

I gritted my teeth in annoyance. This was unbelievable. Everything was just too absurd, this aching feeling just begging me to let it out and scream into a pillow then running my self into a brick wall multiple times. It was slowly chewing me away, I was just here painfully and miserably taking it. 

Each laughter, voice, giggles were so unpleasant. This was awful. I felt that with every bit Jessica was enjoying herself with her possible boyfriend, the longer, the stronger these negative feelings grow. I am absolutely terrible. And whether or not, it was because I didn't want to confront these unappealing feelings or was it because I was too scared to try; I did know one thing, even without being around me, somehow Jessica was still ruining me.

Hours later, or more specifically an hour and thirty four minutes later, I heard the sound of shuffling and simply out of dying curiosity I leaned closed to my cracked open door and prayed, literally with my hands clasped together, prayed they finish their study session and he was leaving, for good. And without awareness I found myself gradually inching out of my room and closer to the stairs for a better insight on their conversation.

Please leave. Please leave. I chanted over and over under my breath like a mantra while leaning against the wall by the stairs.  

"Thanks for having me over." The guys voice ringed into my ears first and I listened intently.

"I would say I'm confident for my test tomorrow but I don't think we did much studying." Jessica let out a small laugh, in a feminine pitchy way, that was unlike her usual ones at all. It made me cringe. Ha, if you had been studying I would have concentrated on my essay too, I silently criticized. 

"I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Hopefully." Jessica spoke in a sweet, cute tone I would never dream of even hearing. Honestly her voice entirely creep me out at this moment.

"Want me to give you a good luck charm?"

I blinked, good luck charm?

"Is it going to be some cheesy line or move from the movies?"

Wait. What is that suppose to mean? I waited for the silence to be answered with soemthing but not next few seconds were in complete agonzing silence. I held my breath but nothing happened. Finally Jessica's voice broke the spell,

"I'll walk you out." So what did he do? What happened? I frowned but shrugged it off. It didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was him leaving.

The talking died and I continue to strain my hearing for the movements instead, it was quite a useless effort though, so I waited stiffly at the top of the stairs, as silence dragged on. More shuffling and movements, until I heard the front door open. I waited, and waited some more for the door to close once more but the clicking sound never came. 

"Did you forget something?" Jessica's voice breaks the overbearing silence. What was taking so long, why is it taking so long for him to leave, just go already. I puffed up my cheeks and slowly exhaled my breath, how long are they going to take?

"Ah no." He finally answered, "I was just wondering if you would like to get some lunch right now or sometime soon, maybe?."

Reject him. Reject him.

Silence. 

"Are you asking me out?" Now that was one of Jessica's tone of voice I did recognized and it made my stomach turn in more than one unpleasant way. The way her voice losing it pitchy her from before in an appealing way, but not overdoing it at the same time. She was actually flirting with him. Literally, they might as well make out and grab a room while their at it. I let out low grumbling noise.

Oh my god, just reject him.

"If I was, are you going to accept?" His voice lost it slight nervous shake to it and gradually twisted itself. This time it had confidence oozing all over it. And I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Don't accept him. Without reason, without thought, I just wished Jessica to stay home, I wouldn't even mind if she bothered me or annoyed me or cased me endless amount of problems. It didn't matter. 

"What do you think my answer would be?"  

"Yes?"

"Of course, just let me just tell my sister she doesn't have to worry about cooking lunch for two later." Even without looking, I could picture the wide smiles plastered across both of their face. This within minute conversation seem to never end, yet now that it ended I wished it was just drag on. "Can you wait here? Just let me tell her and get ready."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Wow. Lucky him. Lucky her. Lucky me.

And with Jessica's sudden quick steps closer to the stairs, I jolted up form my kneeling position and ran back into the tranquility of my room. Quickly in record speed, I closed the door as quietly as possible and locked it with a light click. I leaned against the door and awaited for Jessica's knock against the wood. Her steps drew closer and I counted down with each step.

5,4,3,2,1-- "Taeyeon?" 

My breath hitched at my own name. Ironic, the name that I would hear most often in my life, the word I should be use to my entire life, but when it came rolling off her tongue, electricity ran down my spine, though I wasn't sure whether it was a positive or negative sign. My mind stayed blank as I quietly stayed leaned against my door waiting for something else.

"Hey! You awake in there?" Jessica knocked harder this time, the sound of her knuckle making contact with the door rang through my ears and back. She twisted the knob but failed to open. I could her grumble under her breath, "Is she sleeping?" She gave another testing knock, before giving up. I stayed still till her footsteps sounded further in distance to let out the breath I hadn't realize I was holding and slid onto my floor.

After about four minutes I walked towards my window that had a clear view of the streets, I peered out a bit to see if the two had left yet. And coincidentally the two had just let the gates and walked further down the streets. Opening the window I strained my neck to see them walk further down the streets till they could no longer be seen. 

Even now I didn't know why I refused to answer to her calls. I had absolutely no idea. There was something wrong with me.

 I fingers reached to rub my temple to soothe the pounding my head. Maybe I was starting to feel sick, I caught a cold without realizing it, that must be it. That was totally explain my irrational, absurd thoughts. All I need are some painkillers to placate this migraine. All I need is some exercise to calm this aching pain in my chest, yeah that must be the issue I must be lacking exercise, it must be some high  cholesterol issue squeezing my heart. 

Damn. How many days till our parents were coming home? I can't take it anymore. I want things to go back to---normal.

Running. That was the first thing I thing that popped into my head when it came to remedy for chest pain. In under forty degrees weather, with my light sports outwear and sweats I plan to run all my confusion, my stress, my headache, basically everything related to Jessica away. In it's own willpower my feet dragged my body around the neighborhood to the park in fast pace running.

The path before me blurred as I let the surge of adrenaline pump through me. I surrender myself to the angry pitter patter of the sole of my shoes hitting the concentrate ground. Forcing my legs to push harder I kept my unsteady pace sprint, my breath panting heavily, as the scorching feeling in my chest rose to my throat aching for air. Sweat rolled down my forehand despite the weather, but I ignored my body's need to stop, because if I stopped right now my mind would wonder off.  In quick pace I continued running through the stores, through the streets, as though if I ran any faster the whole world around me would become nothing but a blur.

My running gradually slowed down itself down, my hands fell to my knees in a desperate need for air. Man, it hadn't even been twenty minutes since I started this jog, I really need to work on my stamina. Dragging my legs towards the nearest bench I could find around the park and plot myself there, now what? My eyes closed itself and I leaned against the bench waiting for the nest fierce wind to blow by me. The cool air felt nice against my burning body. This actually felt kind of good. I could get use to this.

"Taeyeon?" I nearly cursed out loud. The sudden voice caught me off guard, I hadn't plan on going anywhere near that voice or ever even hearing it again. "What are you doing out here?" That should have been my question. Out of all the place, I would have never expected to bump into Tiffany in such weather at the park, absolutely would have never crossed my mind.

"Tiffany." I manage to utter her name without choking on a syllable. My heart thumped heavily in respond.  Her usual eye smile graced her face and she uninvitingly took the open spot next to me. I blinked and hoped my expression gave nothing away. I hoped it didn't scream I don't want to start a conversation with you.

"So why are you out here?" She glanced at my outfit swiftly and frowned. "Aren't you cold?"

"I don't know." I breathed lightly, watching my breath form then vaporize quickly after. "A change of feeling, I guess. So why are you outside in this weather?" I wasn't intentionally continuing the conversation, but I guess some part of wanted to stay longer. The part of me I thought I had thrown away that heartbreakening night, though in reality, turns out this feeling might just forever cling to me.

She hummed in respond to my vague answer, then she lifted a finger to point to the only two children running around by the slides, "My sister had me watch her kids and they begged me to take them to the park, so here I am. Kids are such devils."  She gave a pause in between her next words as if waiting for some sort of response from me. When I merely gave a smile she continued, "So what have you been up to? I haven't seen you around these days."

"Busy. Since it's our senior year and all." My eyes stayed etched at the kids who were so oblivious to the cold, watching them chase each other round in pure delight, rather than make eye contact with Tiffany. That was the last thing I wanted.

"Hmm. I guess so." Tiffany absentmindedly hummed. "Well, are you planning on applying for a music school? Since you're talented in that area."

Don't compliment me.

"I'm not sure, maybe I will."

"Aww, I was sure you would." I could hear the pout in her voice.

Don't use that voice.

"Maybe we might end up in the same school. Can you imagine that? Middle school, high school and college? That would be almost like--" She placed a finger under her chin. "--fate?"

Don't unknowingly crush my suppression.

I forced a laugh, through the tension built up in my lungs. "Talk about superstitions." 

I won't be swallowed by my feeling again, because I have moved on from them. Tiffany was simply a high school crush that will never bloom, so why did I suddenly feel like there was a need to prove that to myself. Some part of my conscious dared me to challenge myself of the feeling I so easily dropped behind, because I have moved on from them, haven't I?

"So hows your relationship been?" This was suppose to be a straightforward effortless question, I can't ponder about it, can't mope about it; I should say it like a simple question that rolled swiftly off my tongue with no actual meaning.

"Oh." Tiffany smiled dropped into a state of indifference. "Nothing much. We broke up. He wasn't really my type, so we broke it off."

"That was surprisingly quick."

"Not really. I went out with him because he asked me out but he didn't really match my taste."

The sudden confession caught me by surprise. Unknowingly my insides riled up in contradicting relief and bitterness. Because it was like my tears wasted itself for a high school fling, for some simple trial date. I shed tears for what, exactly. 

"Speaking of relationships," Tiffany clapped her hands together in loud resonance. "Do you have a boyfriend? Crush?"

You

"No."

"That's too bad. You're cute so a boyfriend should come easily. Want me to introduce you?"

The migraine I thought had left me came tumbling back. The rest of her words blurred out. Somehow I was so resolved in my own image of Tiffany, but she wasn't perfect. But I pictured her to be. Someone pure. If she had accepted whoever to be her boyfriend, then what difference does it make if I asked her as well. Because you're not a guy. Would it hurt to try?

"I like you. For the longest time. " I muttered my aching feelings aloud. Her words stopped. The confession lifted immense weight off my shoulders. I've been so scared then but it was okay to be indifferent now right. After this year we won't ever cross roads, and this would just be something I'll laugh over. Of course it wasn't that simple. I laughed it off hoping it was wipe away the awkward silence. "Just kiddi--"

"I knew."

Silence hung in the air. Her confession threw me off guard. That wasn't how it should have went because this was all just a joke. But I knew her next words like she knew my oncoming confession. I wanted to hear it, but I didn't want to hear it. Her next words engraved themselves into my mind. This wasn't a rejection because this was all suppose to be practical joke. 

I voiced my previously unfinished sentence to wipe the seriousness off both out faces. Her smile returned and gave my shoulders a light playful push which I half-heartedly returned. I didn't know whether Tiffany was being honest or not but at the end of this , all I wish for is to throw this "prank" to stay as a friendly moment in my mind. 

 I was right. This day was simply awful. 

Yoooo~ This is the actual update. Sorry about the confusion from last time. Honestly, I don't know how much more angst my heart can handle. But I promise some fluff really soon, maybe. I'll try to update much more frequently rather than disappearing for months. Thanks for leaving comments letting me know people are still and still want to continue reading. Also for those of you who continue to follow and read this story, I want to say THANK-YOU -SO-MUCH. Heart you guys so much. <3