A/N: First of all, I would like to apologize to the people who have subscribed to this fanfic. I'm sure you've already forgotten about this. After my last update I became busy with school, and completely forgot about this, until a month ago. After checking the date of my last update, I realized it's been almost exactly a year. I reread this fanfic and fell in love with it. I didn't think I could write something like this back then. I don't mean to boast or be vain about my work, but I really did love it. And then it hit me, I miss writing. Then it hit me again, can I still write like this? I'm not saying I'm good, but I believe I'm not bad. And honestly I still know how the story would end even after a year. Reading the comments made me think that I really need to finish this. I think I won't feel satisfied and will be forever bothered unless I finish this. So I continued writing this chapter, and after another month of writing, here it is. I think my writing style changed towards the end, because the first half was written a year ago. Anyway, I tried my best. I hope I properly explained Luhan's side. :)

Oh! I realized that since this was written a year ago, EXO was still OT12, and I had Kris in this story. So if ever, you're uncomfortable with the mention of their names, well, sorry! I can't do anything about it. But please do keep in mind that this is about Luhan and Minseok :)

Also to the new readers of this fanfic, wow! How did you even find this? Isn't this old after a year? Haha! Thank you! :)

I think this chapter is quite long? I guess it would make up for the one year I didn't update? Haha

Anyway, without further ado! Please enjoy! :)

Luhan, sprawled on a white single sized bed, tilted his head to the left as he continued to space out inside the nearly 15 square meter motel room. He sees his bags unneatly sprawled, like him, on the dusty floor. He suddenly speaks to himself, “What now?”

Have you ever felt that the world is moving fast around you, and you seem to find yourself left behind? You see the people around you working hard to reach their dreams (and some actually effortlessly do it) and they end up successfully achieving it. And then you look at yourself who has remained stagnant, unprogressive, and somehow pathetic, despite your efforts. You also come to realize that the person who you share your life with is one of those people who are already far ahead of you. You feel happy for your partner, but you have to admit that it puts pressure on you, as it means you’re not on equal footing as him or her... Now, you wonder how can you be his or her equal when you yourself don’t have a dream to achieve? This is what Luhan feels.

The lack of a dream, or something to fulfill, made Luhan feel empty, and worthless, even more than the fact that he’s being left behind. Since he was a child, he didn’t dream to become something or someone. When asked what he would like to be when he grows up, he simply didn’t had anything in mind, but for the sake of answering, he would answer the first profession he could think of. His answers were the typical answers a child would give an adult. A doctor. A teacher. An astronaut. All of his answers, though noticeably inconsistent, satisfied his parents. So when he grew up, and was asked of what he wanted to take up for college, his parents, especially his father, was greatly disappointed to his disinterest in any profession. And his father’s disappointment was the first time Luhan realized how worthless he must be for not having any reason to live.

But, this doesn’t mean that Luhan was not interested in anything. He was fairly interested in almost everything, though he doesn’t feel the urge to specialize on these interests. For example, he’s interested in shoes, but he wouldn’t think of going as far as studying shoe designing and launching his own shoe brand. He’s simply interested in shoes, and he’s contented with just that. But still, it bothered him that he had no dream he wishes to fulfill. He was dreamless, thus he was lifeless.

Having called a disgrace by his father, Luhan goes to Korea to hopefully find a dream. There, he meets Minseok who was a chubby and cheerful boy who, unlike his parents, didn’t pressure him on what he wants to be. “I think it’s fine not having a dream yet. You’ll find it later on. Besides, we’re still young.” Minseok told Luhan when he told him about his dilemma. Luhan was surprised that Minseok completely understands him, and he accepts him for who he is, despite being a nobody with no dreams. This was probably why he fell in love with him.

Now, he’s just completely lost. The lack of dreams, the feeling of uselessness, and the pressure of not keeping up with others, all came down on Luhan. And it was just too heavy to bear. What’s worse, is that up to this point, he doesn’t know what he wants. Luhan just doesn’t know what to do with his life.

His confusion led him to hurt Minseok, the person he truly loves and cares. At the same time, he also can’t tell Minseok his thoughts because he feels that Minseok wouldn’t understand, even though he would try to understand. It’s not the same unless you experienced it. He just felt sorry, for Minseok, but he felt more sorry for his worthless self. Luhan acknowledges the fact that he deserves to be called a jerk.

After almost two weeks of wandering around in the streets, and lazily watching television inside the motel room, Luhan has finally decided to return to his family in China.

He was warmly welcomed by his mother who hugged him tightly upon meeting his son again after many years. Their encounter made Luhan cry like a child. He surprised himself by his sudden burst of emotion because he didn’t realize how much he missed his family. So much. After the emotional encounter, it was now time to see his father. Luhan braced himself and walked towards his father, sitting at the head of the dining table, and showing no sign of emotion. His mother was beside him, tightly holding his hand to support him.

Luhan told them his life in Korea, and the life he had with Minseok. His mother was interested and attentive to everything Luhan said, and the mention of Minseok made his mother smile. Meanwhile, his father remained expressionless. Luhan then told them that he left Minseok and came back to China because he didn’t find the dream he hoped to see. With this, Luhan’s expression became gloomy, and his mother, who also looked sad, was just by his side, still holding his hand, now tighter than before.

His father finally spoke after a loud and rough clearing of his throat. In a firm and serious voice, his father told Luhan that he was still disappointed by the fact that he had gone to Korea for nothing, but he’s relieved by Luhan’s realization that nothing awaits him there, and has come back home instead. Now with an even serious tone of voice, his father offered him to stay and to work for his company. For Luhan, it was more like an order, than an offer, that he can’t refuse.

Thus, Luhan immediately worked in his father’s company as his father’s secretary. Since he had no dream to be anything, he didn’t mind working there. As long as he’s doing something in his life, he’s contented, he thought. He worked early in the morning, and sometimes, until late at night. He befriended some of the office workers, and sometimes he would eat or drink with them after work. His father didn’t mind as long as he wouldn’t cause trouble.

Whenever he goes out with his officemates, Luhan would suddenly miss the feeling of having fun, and then he would remember the fun times he spent with Minseok. Once he starts to think of Minseok, he will never stop thinking about him and remembering the fact that he left and hurt him. Luhan wants to reminisce the times he spent with Minseok, but not the part where he ended their relationship for his selfish means. Whenever that thought came to mind, Luhan learned to forget it by gulping bottles of beer.

Just around three months after he started working, Luhan already felt bored. Though there were some subtle variety in his work, he still thought that his work was getting rather repetitive and mundane. In addition, he was getting caught up in drinking, that it seems like he goes home drunk almost every night.

One day, Luhan just stopped going to work. He would instead wander around the city the whole day, and then he’ll meet up with his friends at night, and have a good time at some bar. There, Luhan would drink with his friends, dance with strangers, and have fun as much as he wanted. Drinking was getting more ineffective as time passed whenever Luhan would remember Minseok. So, just to keep his mind away from him for a while, Luhan would talk to girls, or guys. He would invite them to drink, dance, or talk. Sometimes, he feels like he’s cheating on Minseok, but then again, they were not together anymore, so technically he wasn’t. But Luhan made it a point not to kiss or have any ual affairs with anyone he meets. He just flirts with them to pass the time, and to forget.

And this went on for a month. Until one day, his father finally punched him back to reality, saying Luhan had gotten worse, and more disappointing than he was before. His father can’t believe how he could just throw away his life like that. Partying, drinking, wandering around the streets  are not something Luhan should be doing if he wishes to accomplish something in this world.

And with his father’s words, he was once again back to his miserable self, the lost, and depressed jerk that he is. He realized that he had just fallen deep into despair, and had been escaping the pain of leaving and missing Minseok, and his responsibilities as a son. He, as well, hates himself for being so careless, so insensitive, and so stupid.

Meanwhile, his mother couldn’t stand to see his boy like this, so she confronted Luhan to let him know what she feels. She tells him that, she’s upset with how Luhan turned out, but nonetheless accepts him for who he is. But she knows that this miserable person is not Luhan, so she tells him to get back up on his feet again. The first thing Luhan needs to do, according to his mother, is to reconcile with Minseok, and prove that he really does love him, because to Luhan’s mother, it seems that Minseok was someone who truly made Luhan happy. But Luhan, can’t easily go back to Korea, because his father will definitely not let him leave. So, his mother suggested that he run away from home.

After thinking hard of his well-planned escape, and after preparing for it, one night, Luhan slipped out of their house, and went back to Korea.

But, instead of going back to Seoul, Luhan went to Busan, where he plans to lay low and find a job until he has the courage to face Minseok. Luhan is aware that he left a big hole in Minseok’s heart that may or may not have been already filled by someone else. If he were to go back now and find out that Minseok has another lover, Luhan would surely not accept it and will most likely be even more depressed than before. Or, Minseok may not have any lover, but he may most likely be still deeply wounded by what Luhan did, and may reject Luhan, which Luhan, most likely, can’t handle. So, Luhan’s solution is to lay low for a while, until he musters up the courage to face Minseok, apologize, and once again, profess his love to him.

In Busan, Luhan worked hard, and lived simple. He had three jobs. His main job was to wash the dishes and be a waiter in a small diner owned by a nice family who agreed to let him work in exchange of Luhan’s lodging in their home. His other job was to deliver newspaper subscriptions around four in the morning. And his last job is a math tutor of their neighbor’s 10 year-old son. From 4:00AM to 6:30AM, to 9:00AM to 8:00PM, and to 8:00PM to 10:00PM, Luhan worked everyday.

But why must he overwork himself? Well, Luhan refused to bring money when he left China, because he didn’t want to be a burden to his family anymore. He also thought of starting from scratch, and work his way up. He also thinks that in this way, he will learn how to discipline himself, and hopes to become a better person from this experience. So, Luhan worked hard and saved money.

After a long day’s work, Luhan would always, always, think of Minseok before going to bed. He would think of how he truly misses him. He missed the times he spent with him, and the feeling of loving and being loved, of accepting, and being accepted, of being happy and making someone else happy. But Luhan would also think of how he unjustly left Minseok. He’s sure that it was the worst decision he made, because it didn’t made him, nor Minseok happy. Both were only hurt. And though he unconsciously still tries to escape the guilt of leaving the innocent Minseok, Luhan tries to accept his mistake, and himself, so that he could move on and become a better person when he meets Minseok again. He swears that he would do anything to be back in Minseok’s arms. Then, Luhan would continue to reminisce his time with Minseok, and Minseok would be the last thing on Luhan’s mind before falling asleep.

Several months have passed, and Luhan had worked, worked, and worked. He had already built a good relationship and had gained the trust of the family he’s staying with, as well as the several people he befriended in the small area he resided. He was known to them as “Luhan, The Hard Working Boy.” Luhan didn’t mind the title, as long as he was not being a burden, and he was improving himself. He was contented with his life. He worked harder and received better wage, until, one day, he realized he had saved so much that he could actually rent a decent apartment unit in Seoul. But Luhan thought of a better way to spend his money. And that was for Minseok.

One day, Luhan was told by the diner’s owner that two tall foreign-looking men were holding out a paper with his photo and information, and were looking for him. The two men seemed suspicious so the owner didn’t reveal Luhan’s whereabouts. The owner also handed the flyer, and Luhan realized that his father sent people to bring him back to China. He couldn’t believe how badly his father wanted him to stay in China. To go through such lengths of finding him in Korea, Luhan was in disbelief.

This unexpected event made Luhan decide that it was time to go back to Seoul. If he gets caught now, he wouldn’t be able to see Minseok again, he thought. Also, he wouldn’t want to possibly endanger the lives of the people who took care of him for the past months.

So, he packed all his belongings, and his savings, and bid goodbye to everyone. But before he left, the owner of the diner gave him an address. He said that the owner of the apartment is his friend who can give him a room to stay. Luhan thanked him, and bid farewell to everyone.

The stars that Luhan would always look at outside his window in Busan, are nowhere to be seen, as it disappears from the height of the tall buildings and the brightness of Seoul’s city lights. He walks along familiar streets as he searches for the address on the paper at hand. And after a long, tiring walk from the subway station, he finally found the address.

The address was a bit difficult to find as it was hidden in a narrow alleyway between two big apartments. It seems that the address was a small coffee shop. Luhan goes inside to find a living room-like cafe. Despite being small, the atmosphere was really warm and cozy, and it was still surprisingly spacious inside. The cafe seemed to give the customers a more intimate experience with others or with the self. The only customer were a couple who seemed to be enjoying their precious time together at the cafe (Luhan felt envious). Luhan turned and walked towards the counter where a man, who’s probably in his forties, is smiling. Luhan introduces himself, and his reason for going there. Immediately, the man leads him up the stairs leading to a hallway with several, rooms. The owner of the apartment, as well as the cafe, told him that he doesn’t need to pay rent as thanks from Luhan’s former boss. The owner also tells that he should always go back home, and if he fails to return, his room will be forfeited. This is a kind of rule the owner thought of because he said that he’s providing shelter for people so they should use it. Luhan agrees and thanks the owner, and then he goes inside the room to unpack his belongings.

The morning after, Luhan went near Minseok’s apartment and asked around from people on Minseok’s condition. Luhan had learned that Minseok is now studying coffee making in a certain academy, and that he still lives alone in the apartment. He also learned that Minseok doesn’t seem to be dating anyone, which made Luhan happy knowing that he may still have hope.

Days turned to weeks, and for this whole time, Luhan kept collecting information about Minseok, by asking around or stalking him. He knows that doing this is kind of wrong, but Luhan can’t contain his longing for Minseok. He needs to know more of Minseok. He needs to see Minseok.

Finally, after much thinking and mustering up his courage, Luhan finally decided to meet Minseok. He patiently waited outside the building of Minseok’s academy. Now is the time Luhan had been waiting for, though he starts to become nervous and scared. Luhan already thought of what to say to Minseok, but he doesn’t know how Minseok will react. The fact that he doesn’t know what will happen scares him. Now he’s thinking whether it’s the right time to meet him now. But if now’s not the right time, when?

At that moment, he sees Minseok behind the glass window.  It seems that Minseok noticed him so Luhan smiled. Luhan walks up to the front door to meet Minseok. As soon as he sees Minseok’s lovely face and figure opening the door and walking towards him, Luhan’s thoughts went completely blank as his heart jumps in excitement, and nervousness. And when Minseok stopped in front of him, Luhan can only manage to clear his throat and say, “Uhm. Can we talk somewhere?” However, Minseok’s response triggered a memory to Luhan, which is the last word Minseok told him. Okay. For Luhan it was a word that meant the end of everything for him that day. It was the word that masked the true painful feelings of Minseok, and showed how he can be so respectful of Luhan’s wish to leave. It was the word Luhan that reminded him of how much of a jerk he was.

Eventually, Luhan managed to invite Minseok at the coffee shop where he lives. The walk going there was quiet and awkward. Luhan tried to think of a topic to talk about, but he thought too much that he ended up not talking to him in the end. The two eventually arrived, and entered the shop. As soon as they sat down, Luhan asked Minseok if he wants hot or cold coffee, a question that broke their silence. Minseok answered, and Luhan was really grateful to hear his voice. But as soon as Minseok spoke, his expression showed indifference. And at that moment, Luhan realized the that it would most likely take him a tremendous amount of effort to break the walls that Minseok had built to hide and protect himself. But Luhan accepts the challenge. He will do his best to bring back the love he lost. And he will do everything to keep it.

He planned to meet with Minseok because he wanted to tell him what happened to him. He also wanted to tell him how he truly feels. His emotions were greatly overpowered by his thoughts making him just blurt out whatever his heart wanted to express. He was supposed to tell about what happened in detail but he summarized everything due to the overwhelming emotion he feels. Luhan couldn’t really think straight, he was purely basing his words through his feelings. “You were the only one in my mind for the past whole year. You, and you alone!” Luhan simply bursted out his feelings. His words may have come too strong or too weak to Minseok, but hopefully he had conveyed his feelings for Minseok, hopefully Minseok understands.

Minseok looked dazed, but after a deep breathe, he answered Luhan. His response was something Luhan had expected, but the reality of actually hearing it struck Luhan hard in the chest. Every sentence was like an arrow hitting his heart. “... If only you knew how devastated I was when you left… ” But Luhan is completely aware, in fact, in all honesty, he might have been more broken than Minseok given Luhan’s existential crisis. But still, Luhan is also aware that it’s not a matter of who got hurt most, it’s the fact that both got hurt real bad. And Luhan is truly apologetic of his actions, not only to Minseok, but also himself. Right now, the only thing that Luhan could give Minseok is time and space to think about everything.

As Minseok motions to leave, Luhan forced his voice to call him and asked to meet with him again. Luhan will definitely not let this be their only encounter. He will try his best to be forgiven by Minseok, and to have him back in his arms again. Before they part, he promised to visit Minseok at what was once ‘their’ apartment.

After finally talking to Minseok, and after somehow learning what Minseok feels for him, Luhan is determined to make an effort to regain Minseok’s trust, and eventually forgive him. But he won’t lie to Minseok just to get his sympathy, Luhan will be honest. He will, as much as possible, tell him what’s on his mind, and convey his feelings to Minseok. Luhan wants to bring back the fun times they spent together as a couple, the love and trust they shared with each other, and the life they dreamed together. Luhan simply wants Minseok back. And Luhan will be his best for Minseok.

After two days, Luhan goes to Minseok’s apartment at a time where he thinks Minseok is already out from class. But before that, he bought a bouquet of red roses for Minseok. Luhan had spent two days thinking of the things he wanted to do with Minseok. He thought of places or things that were meaningful to both of them, but most especially to Minseok.

He meets Minseok who was just steps away from the apartment. Entering their home once again made him feel nostalgic. For Luhan, everything in the apartment was almost the same. It felt like a year never passed and that he never left. Luhan became teary eyed as every corner of the room reminded him of how happy his life was with Minseok. Luhan truly loved him, and Minseok did too. Why did he ever thought of leaving Minseok? Luhan is so regretful.

Minseok offers coffee and Luhan offers his help. When Luhan goes inside the kitchen, he is surprised to see the same notes still stuck on the fridge for a year. Luhan felt like crying, but now doesn’t seem to be a good time. His heart is bursting in joy at the thought that he may have still hope with Minseok. Maybe it’s not too late. The fact that Minseok could keep almost everything as it was in the house even after what happened means that Minseok may still love him or at least have interest in him. Luhan is now very determined to win Minseok’s heart again.

Luhan sits and drinks his coffee. Suddenly he sees a big ball of crumpled paper under the table. Out of curiosity he asks what it is as he crouches down and reaches for it. He quickly grabs it and sits back up, but then... *THUD*... Luhan hits his head under the table. Because of the pain in his head, he didn’t realize that Minseok was already by his side carefully and softly patting his injured head as he looks on in a very concerned face. Luhan never felt happier. He thought, He definitely still has feelings for me. Luhan smiles like an idiot as he assures Minseok that he’s fine.

Because of this unexpected discoveries, Luhan feels very happy and confident. He’s so overjoyed that he suggested a very random thing.

“Minseok… Do you want to go shopping?”

And that was the start of how things slowly fell into place. Luhan felt that he will be able to regain Minseok’s trust and love again. Luhan had planned a date for the next two days, but he felt that now would be the right time to do that. So he purposely went to places where they would always go. They looked around stores and Luhan even bought similar shoes for the two of them. Then they went to the noodle shop that they used to eat before. At this point everything was going very well for Luhan and Minseok. The stiff and awkward atmosphere is completely gone. It’s as if they turned back the time and became lovers again.

Before the night ends, Luhan promises that he will visit again the next day. And as their eyes meet and intently stare at each other, their lips drew closer.

Finally, they are in each other’s arms again.

After a few days of being a couple again, Luhan goes home from Minseok’s apartment. From a distance, two tall foreign men in black is observing Luhan as he leaves the apartment. One of the men walks towards the apartment, while the other follows Luhan. The man picks up pace and eventually catches on with Luhan. Meanwhile, Luhan doesn’t seem to notice the presence of the man.

After a while, Luhan turns to a dark, narrow alleyway. He stops walking.

In a serious tone, he speaks in Mandarin, “Long time no see, Zi Tao. Father made you go here, right?”

The man is Huang Zi Tao, one of the professional body guards for Luhan’s family. He clears his throat. “We were tasked to safely bring you back to Beijing. Now that we finally found you, we are to depart immediately.”

“That’s not possible. I’ll stay here with Minseok.” He turns around and looks at the tall man who has an expressionless face.

“Staying is not an option. You are to depart exactly an hour from now. Everything has been arranged.”

Suddenly, Zi Tao swiftly handcuffs Luhan’s left wrist. Luhan is extremely surprised.

“You’re not the kind of person to do this. I see Yi Fan influenced you this much. Let me go… LET ME GO!” Luhan’s face is now extremely angry. Zi Tao didn’t waver. This made Luhan squeeze his hand out of the handcuffs. When it didn’t work, he violently shakes it off.

Zi Tao sighs, “You still make a tantrum out of the littlest things… I will only remove your handcuff. Stay still.”

He holds on to Luhan’s jacket so if ever he escapes, he already has a hold of him.

Luhan sighs, “I’m telling you. I won’t leave. I’ll stay here. No matter what.”

“Why?” Zi Tao asks.

Luhan looked a bit sad as he started to explain.

“The reason I came here in the first place was for me to pursue my dreams, but then I lost track halfway. I became self-centered, and selfish, and hurt the people that mattered. I hurt Minseok--”

“I don’t need to hear this.” Tao nonchalantly interrupts.

“Oy! Listen to me! Ugh! To keep it short, I found my dream again, and that’s to be with Minseok! That’s why I need to stay here! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!? I LOVE MINSEOK!!!” Luhan passionately shouts.

Zi Tao pauses for a moment. He seems to be thinking. Luhan only looks on while gasping for air.

Finally, Zi Tao speaks, “I empathize with you, however I don’t have the call for this. I’m only following orders.”

Luhan realizes that what he said is correct. It’s kind of futile to argue with them. There’s also no use in running away from them again. Luhan sighs.

“Fine. I’ll go back.” Luhan deeply sighs. His sadness can be thoroughly felt by Zi Tao. “But only after Minseok’s graduation. I’d like to see him during his graduation in two days. Is that alright?”

Zi Tao nods. “Understood. We are to head back to your lodging now.”

The two starts walking.

Zi Tao adds, “Also, within those two days, you are not allowed to leave your lodging.”

Shocked, Luhan turns to Zi Tao who doesn’t waver and has a resolved expression. Luhan then understood that it’s a part of the protocol they follow, but isn’t that a bit too much? He feels like a prisoner, again.

Luhan reaches for his phone to check the time and finds the numerous missed calls and texts messages by Minseok. He reads each text and feels really sorry for not replying. Eventually he replies. I hope he’s okay. Luhan’s heart aches.

“Minseok, that’s why I wasn’t able to be there for you for the past few days. I’m honestly really really sorry. I apologize for troubling you, for…” Luhan chokes. Tears starts rapidly flowing through his reddened cheeks. “... hurting you. Sorry!”

Minseok is also crying. His eyes are starting to become red and bloated with the tears that have started flowing halfway of the story. They’re both sorry and pained. How can loving a person cause this much pain and trouble?

Luhan tries to calm himself and speak. “I’m about to leave in a few hours. I don’t have any power to stop this. I must meet my father. I honestly don’t know when I’ll be back, or I’ll ever be back. That’s why I thought… Minseok, will you go to China with me?”

Minseok pauses. He’s in shock. Right now, there are two great things in front of him: a life together with his beloved Luhan, and a fulfilled dream that he had painstakingly worked for for a year. But then, why make him choose between the two?

Minseok realizes that this moment, and his answer will ultimately change his life.