Why yes, everybody, I did write the lyrics to that rap, hehe. No, it is not a real song. But wouldn't it be awesome if it was? AHH I'd love to hear L.Joe rap that!~

- - - - - -

                It was almost eleven at night. I sat in dead silence on top of my neatly made bed, my knees pulled to my chest. I was staring at my phone, which was sitting idly in the space before me. I tapped my bare toes and stuck my tongue in my cheek. I blinked rapidly, my vision shifting from the phone to the clock to my toes and back to my phone. Not even an hour ago when I left Kyusoon’s, I had been feeling confident and finally ready to call Jonghyun after ignoring his nearly thirty calls. Now, I wasn’t so confident.

                I chewed on my thumbnail as I stared down at the phone. I was silently daring it to make a sound. An incoming call, a new text message, anything to break the silence and give me confidence. My conscience alone couldn’t convince me. Just pick up the phone, Kirin, and call Jonghyun…

                I reached for the phone. Instead of dialing Jonghyun number, though, I dialed my voicemail. I had one last message from Jonghyun saved. According to his message, which he left approximately two weeks ago, he swore it would be his last. And it was. I bit my thumbnail and held my breath as the message began.

                “Kirin, it’s me,” Jonghyun said tiredly. His tone was flat. “This is probably the hundredth time I’ve called you. This is your final chance. I’m not calling you anymore after this, so pick up the damn phone. It’s not over, okay? It’s not. He’s not over you. It’s been three months, and he’s not over you. He claims he’s fine, but I can tell he’s faking it. I know you are too. But you won’t listen to me. So here’s my final message, Kirin: have a nice life. Sorry Byunghun was such a douche to you. I’m sorry he broke your heart. If you ever want to talk to an old friend again, you know how to reach me.” Just like that, the call ended.

                I took the phone off my ear, sighing as I stared down at it. I no longer had that selca of Byunghun as my background. I had changed it long ago to a smiling picture of Kyusoon, Minah, Hyerin and I from Lotte World. I had deleted every picture of him off my phone; even the adorable one of him kissing my cheek. I longed to see it again, but I knew that was impossible. If I ever wanted to see a photo like that again, I’d have to take another one. That would require Byunghun to kiss my cheek. That would require us to be together. And that would require me to call Jonghyun.

                After debating with myself for another ten minutes, I finally made up my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut as I dialed Jonghyun’s number, but I secretly peeked. I mashed the phone against my cheek and chewed on my fingernail as it rang. What if he didn’t answer? What if he didn’t want to talk to me? What if he was with Byunghun?

                What if it was too late?

                My thumb hovered above the “end” button. I was finally about to press it, ending the call, when the ringing stopped.

                “Well, well, well,” Jonghyun’s deep voice said on the other end. “Lee Kirin. Long times no hear.”

                “Hi, Jonghyun,” I said meekly.

                “How are you?” Jonghyun asked. “I haven’t spoken to you in months.”

                “I’m…fine,” I answered, staring down at the jagged edges of my nails. I bit down on my pinky nail. “How are you?”

                “I’m doing well. Teen Top just released a new mini album. Maybe you’ve heard of it.”

                “Yeah, actually, I have.” Snap. There goes another one of my nails.

                “What did you think of it?”

                “It was…evoking.”

                Jonghyun laughed. “Evoking?”

                My hand flew to my face. I really had to stop screwing this up. “I heard the song ‘Disaster,’ alright?”

                “Ah,” Jonghyun said slowly. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

                “It’s just that I…I…I can’t help but think the song was written about me.”

                “Did you listen to the lyrics?” Jonghyun questioned.

                “Yes,” I squeaked. “One of my friends even wanted me to translate them for her.”

                “Well it’s a good thing you were listening, because it’s pretty obvious it’s about you.”

                I was silent for a moment. I shifted uncomfortably. “Are you sure?”

                Jonghyun sighed. “When Byunghun-hyung announced to us he wrote lyrics to a song he composed, we were all really excited. He’s never composed lyrics before. Honestly we didn’t expect it to be very good, but he surprised us. We all told him we thought it was about you but he kept denying it. But he kept asking to record it. He wanted it on the album really badly, and we all knew why but he wouldn’t admit it. So, we recorded it. It turned out great, so we put in on the album. We all wanted you to hear it. Byunghun-hyung wanted you to hear it. But he’d never admit that.”

                I held my breath the entire time Jonghyun spoke. When he was finished, I didn’t even know how to react. His words were spinning in my head. I thought I was crazy to suspect the song was written about me. I thought I was only thinking that because I wished it was about me. Did Byunghun really still love me? Were those lyrics written not from his head, but his heart?

                Jonghyun noticed I wasn’t speaking. “I know it’s about you, Kirin,” he said softly, filling in the silence. “And you know it, too. Byunghun still loves you.”

                “Really?” I asked meekly.

                “Really,” Jonghyun assured me. “And that brings us to the big question: do you still love him too?”

                I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I hadn’t been able to admit this out loud for three months, but now was the time. Time to drop the façade and admit the truth everyone could see except me.

                 “Yeah. I do. I don’t think I ever stopped.”

                Jonghyun chuckled softly. “I don’t think he ever stopped, either.”

                I held my breath. “How do you know?”

                “The thing about Byunghun is that he tries to cover up his emotions. He tries to keep everything bottled up inside. He thinks that just because he’s not physically crying, we can’t tell he wants to. We all know he’s still upset. He never smiles, he never laughs. He’s become the quietest member. He goes to be really early and wakes up really late. He barely eats. His whole life has completely changed since you left him.”

                I pulled my knees to my chest again, arching my back. “Really?” I asked gently.

                “Really. He’s not the same. And he won’t be until he’s with you again.”

                A faint smile crept onto my face. Had I really left that much of an impact on Byunghun? Had I really changed his life completely? “Are you sure?”

                “Would I lie to you?” Jonghyun asked innocently.

                A small smile. “No. Of course not.”

                “That’s what I thought.”

                “But why are you even doing this? Why did you call me over and over again? Why didn’t you just give up? Why’d you even call me in the first place?”

                Jonghyun took a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was low and calm. “Because once upon a time, a boy really liked a girl. Her heart belonged to that boy’s hyung, though. Still, that girl was the sweetest noona to him. She did that boy the two biggest favors of his entire life. And now a lot of time has passed, and his noona and hyung are both heartbroken. He really cares about both of them, and they’re too stubborn to fix their problem themselves, so it’s up to him to fix it for them.”

                A huge smile. One of those ear-to-ear smiles that engulf your entire face. “You’re a sweet kid, Jonghyun.”

                “Well, you did tell me to never stop being sweet. So I won’t.”

                I scoffed. “Nice to know someone keeps his promises.”

                “Hey,” Jonghyun said softly, “you know L.Joe loved you. Yeah, he made some huge mistakes. He can be an sometimes. But he’s got a big heart and he still cares a lot about you. Trust me.”

                Were Jonghyun’s words true? Did Byunghun still care?

                I took another deep breath before I spoke again. “You really think we can fix this?”

                “I know we can. You’ve just got to talk to him. Face to face.”

                “How?”

                Jonghyun was silent a moment. “Come to the office building. Tomorrow, at noon. He’ll be here. I’ll make sure of it.”

                My heart skipped a beat. I hadn’t seen Byunghun in months. What would he think of my short hair? What would he think of me in general? Did he hate me?  Would he know I was coming?

                I chose one of the many questions flooding my brain. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

                “He does. Trust me.”

                There was that smile again. It blossomed on my face and warmed my cheeks. I felt a burst of energy and excitement just at the mere thought of seeing him again. 

                “I can’t believe I’m going to get to see him again,” I whispered wistfully.

                Jonghyun giggled happily. “You know, when everyone found out you and L.Joe-hyung broke up, everyone knew this wouldn’t last. You two are so perfect for each other. I knew this day would come. Why didn’t you or L.Joe-hyung?”

                I shrugged. “That’s what happens when you lose all hope.”

                “Well, I never did.”

                I laughed. “And thank God you didn’t, Jonghyun.” I felt my cheeks start to blush. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

                “I’m just doing my favorite noona a favor,” Jonghyun giggled modestly. “No need for such compliments!”

                I laughed. Months ago, Jonghyun would have been crying tears of joy if I told him he was amazing. He used to crave my attention. He used to crave my compliments. He wasn’t the same little boy, secretly wishing to be in his hyung’s place and admiring me from afar. He wasn’t the same shy kid who asked me very timidly if I would be his first kiss. He grew up. He matured. How the times have changed.

                “Jonghyun?” I asked suddenly. “Can I ask you one more question?”

                “Of course.”

                “What was the second favor I did for you?”

                I could practically hear Jonghyun’s smile sparkling. “Min Neul. I can’t thank you enough for introducing me to her, Kirin. She’s everything to me.”

                A warm feeling washed over me. My mind flashed back to the night Min Neul and I lay awake at a sleepover. That was the night she confessed to me that she loved Jonghyun. I saw a little bit of myself in Min Neul at that moment; she was young and in love with someone she never thought she’d ever be with. Realizing you’re in love with someone for the first time is a thrill, and watching two people fall in love all because of you is simply priceless.

                 “Now I finally know how L.Joe-hyung felt,” Jonghyun continued thoughtfully. “Love’s a wonderful thing. And now that I know what it is, I won’t let it slip away from you two that easily.”

                Shortly afterwards, after I thanked him about a dozen times, we said our goodbyes and hung up. I flopped backwards on my bed and let my phone slowly slip out of my hand. I closed my eyes and just listened. To the still stillness of the air. To the calmness of the night. To my heart, which had finally started to beat again.