I HAVE 50 SUBSCRIBERS! *throws confetti and cries* I LOVE ALL 50 OF YOU! YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING AND HAVE WONDERFUL TASTE IN FANFICS! ♥ lmao

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                A week had passed since the party incident and much to my liking I hadn’t become the school . With the school year coming to a close, everyone was pretty focused on the many final exams Seoul Science High School annually dishes out. Kyusoon had invited Minah, Hyerin and I over to “study” for our biology final, but we all knew that wouldn’t really happen. We’d dump all our studying materials on Kyusoon’s bed, sit in a circle and talk about everything and anything but biology.

                “I’m going to Kyusoon’s house,” I called as I bounced down the stairs, a heavy bag of textbooks slung over my shoulder.

                My mom stuck her head out of the kitchen. “Be back by midnight, please!”

                “’Kay!” I called. I grabbed the keys off the hook and closing the front door.

                 I jammed out to 2PM on my way over to Kyusoon’s house. My dad never liked me driving with music too loudly but I was a careful driver. I hadn’t ever done anything wrong on the road. I pulled into Kyusoon’s driveway as soon as the chorus of “I’ll Be Back” came to a close. I turned off the car, kicked open the door, and bounded up her driveway, humming the rest of the song.

                “Kirin!” she cried happily when she met me at the door.

                “Hey!” I smiled.

                “Minah and Hyerin just got here too. We’re upstairs. Come on!” Kyusoon led me up the stairs and we bounced into her room, where Minah and Hyerin sitting on the bed. Hyerin was holding a CD case. “Hey Kirin,” they cried at the same time, briefly looking up from the CD.

                “Hey!” I smiled, bouncing onto the bed. “Whatcha looking at?”

                “Teen Top’s new CD,” Minah smiled.

                She did not just say that.

                If my whole body hadn’t frozen and the blood hadn’t drained from my face, I might have actually witnessed Hyerin’s face stiffen up as she handed the CD back to Minah as if she was bored with it and it was time to put it away.

                My first instinct was to change this subject. I briefly felt a knot the size of my fist work its way into my stomach and every one of my muscles tighten in my body. Not this feeling again. It had plagued me for nearly three whole months and only recently had I learned to smile again, to be alright.

                I forced my body to relax; if they wanted to drool over Teen Top, then by all means, drool. See if I care. I’ve moved on. I’ve become unaffected.

                “You like them, right Kirin?” Kyusoon asked.

                “Uh, I used to,” I admitted truthfully.

                “Didn’t you like L.Joe?” Kyusoon asked.

                I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but I heard he’s a jerk.”

                Hyerin coughed.

                “Really?” Minah asked in disbelief.

                I nodded. “Yeah, so I don’t really like them anymore.”

                “Their music is so good though!” Minah exclaimed.

                “Oh, I know, right? This CD is amazing! I love ‘Beautiful Girl’!” Kyusoon gushed.

                “So I hear SNSD’s coming back soon,” I spoke up, attempting to sway the conversation.

                “How about ‘First Kiss’? Niel sounds so y in that song,” Minah exclaimed.

                Apparently my remark went unheard.

                “Oh, Kirin, I almost forgot! I’ve been dying for you to hear this one song.” Kyusoon reached for her laptop. “The rap is totally in English, and I wanted you to tell me what it means.”

                I felt my heart stop. Completely stop.

                Byunghun speaks English.

                 “Oh, the rap in ‘Disaster’?” Minah asked. “I looked up the translation. The rap is so heartbreaking!”

                “So, uh, who’s nervous for our chemistry finals?” Hyerin blurted a little too loudly.

                 “Can I see that?” I suddenly found myself asking, pointing to the CD case.

                “Now Kirin’s interested,” Minah giggled, handing over the CD.

                I held the CD case in my cold, clammy hands like it was fragile vase. After examining it carefully I saw it was a colorful new mini album, “Roman.” It included a title track, an instrumental version, and five other brand new songs. One of them, titled “Disaster,” even came with a piano-only version. I opened the CD case and took out the booklet. Staring at the six faces on the booklet, it felt like I was looking at total strangers. People I once knew and loved who slowly disappeared from my life and had been reduced to nothing more than strangers.

                Changjo’s hair was a pretty caramel color. He looked the same; same round face, same lean body. He wore a dark turquoise suit. Niel’s hair was brown and wavy as usual. He too hadn’t changed; his tall, gaunt body covered in a hot pink suit without a tie. Chunji’s hair was a golden light brown and a little shorter than I remembered. He wore a dark blue suit. C.A.P’s hair was now long, wavy, and a warm brown color. He looked absolutely amazing in a bright red suit. Ricky’s hair was cut a lot shorter, and he went back to black. A small-statured, raven-haired boy stood between Chunji and C.A.P.

                It was L.Joe.

                His bubble gum pink hair had disappeared; it was now jet black. It was pin straight and almost covered his left eye entirely. He stared into the camera with an emotionless expression, but at the same time he looked downright miserable, almost dead. His expression seriously clashed with the colorfulness of the concept they seemed to be going for. His picture made me shutter, and after a moment, I opened the booklet. I opened right to the page with the lyrics to “Disaster.” Just as Minah had said, the lyrics to the rap were entirely in English.

                I read the lyrics along with the song. Niel opened the song, followed by Chunji. The lyrics were simply heartbreaking. They told of a story of someone who lost their lover, and they were begging for her to come back. The beginning talked of the happy times the couple had spent together, and slowly it progressed to show the destruction of what she had done, as if she was a hurricane that had ruthlessly obliterated her former love’s life. It was almost surreal listening to it. Scanning the booklet page, my eyes grew wider. Not just because of what I was hearing, but what I had noticed.

Written under the title of the song, beside the produce, was the name of the lyricist: Lee Byunghun. Byunghun had written this song?

                As if on cue, the second chorus ended and the rap began. My attention was captured immediately and my neck snapped up, because the auto-tuned opening line of the rap was all too familiar to me: hey there, beautiful.

Hey there, beautiful:

Girl we used to be a team, you were my MVP

But then you went and quit the game on me

I still call your name when I’m out on the field

Loosing you was like a wound that will never ever heal

Do you know how badly I want you back?

I promise this time I’ll know how to act

I swear on my life, you’re the key to my heart

Try to pick up the shattered pieces, swear my life will never start

I lost more than a friend, I lost my only love

I want nobody else, it's just you I’m dreaming of

I’m talking to you, baby, you gotta hear me out

Believe me when I say love’s flame never went out.

                The chorus began again. The background music contained heavy guitar riffs and a catchy, head-pounding beat. It was such an angry, heart-wrenching song. The boys sang with so much emotion and the lyrics, well, were purely heartbreaking. Only someone who has experience heartbreak first-hand could have written a song like this.

                It sounded like a hidden message. A message to me.

                I suddenly felt light-headed and dizzy. I swore the room was heating up with every shaky breath I fought to inhale. I needed some air. I needed to get out of here. Was I being paranoid, or was this song written for me?

                “So what does the rap say?” Kyusoon asked, oblivious to my sudden fever.

                “Um,” I started. “Yeah, it’s…it’s basically what Minah said. It’s…it’s really sad…”

                “Kirin, are you feeling okay?” Hyerin spoke up suddenly. Apparently my feverish behavior wasn’t oblivious to her. She knew I had to get out of here, and fast.

                “Just…um…my head’s just been hurting a lot lately, that’s all…”

                “Now that you mention it, you look a little pale,” Kyusoon said worriedly.

                “Yeah, are you alright?” Minah’s eyes were wide with concern.

                “Yeah, I’m fine…”

                “No, you should probably go home, right?” Hyerin spoke up. She knew exactly what was going on.

                “Yeah,” I stood up slowly. I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins. My mind was racing. I blindly gathered my study materials and shoveled them in my bad. I slung it over my shoulder and stood up, feeling the room rotate beneath my feet.

                Hyerin stood up too. “Maybe I should want you to the door.” Kyusoon and Minah nodded in agreement as they watched Hyerin and I head for the door. I shuffled dizzily down the staircase. What did that song mean? Did Byunghun want me back? Was it a message for me? Was I being paranoid? Was it just a random song he wrote? Did it even mean anything?

                “Kirin, stop,” Hyerin hissed when we were at the foot of the stairs. She grabbed my shoulder and whipped me around. “You don’t have a headache, do you?”

                “No, I definitely do now,” I stated.

                “This is about Byunghun, isn’t it?” she asked.

                “No, I really don’t feel well…”

                “Because you heard the lyrics to ‘Disaster’ and you know they’re about you.” Hyerin was looking into my eyes. She could read me like a book.

                “L.Joe wrote it, you know,” I said in a low voice.

                Hyerin bit her lip and nodded. “C.A.P told me.”

                My eyes were wide. My face was hot. My heart was racing. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I stood there, motionless, in disbelief.

                Hyerin stepped closer and threw her arms around me. “You’re really not over him, are you?” she whispered.

                Finally, her hug registered in my brain. I buried my face in her collarbone. I used to do that when I hugged Byunghun; it always felt perfect. Hyerin’s just didn’t feel right. “No,” I whispered.

                “Why didn’t you tell me?”

                “Because I thought I was. I really did. I wanted him out of my life. I was a wreck for a while until I decided enough was enough, and Byunghun wasn’t coming back. I forced myself to move on.”

                “Well, it’s pretty obvious you haven’t,” Hyerin commented.

                I shrugged, feeling a little deflated. “Well, I know that now. You’re right. I’m not over him.” I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know if I ever will be.”

                “Well, I don’t think L.Joe’s moved on either.”

                I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Changjo’s been telling me that for months,” I whispered softly.

                “What?”

                “Changjo’s calls me all the time. I never answer. He always leaves a message and tells me that everything’s changed since Byunghun and I broke up.”

                “What? Why don’t you ever talk to him?” Hyerin commanded.

                “I wanted Byunghun out of my life, okay? I wanted everyone in Teen Top out of my life. I couldn’t deal with the constant reminder of him every single day! I had no choice but to cut off all connections with them.” I sighed, dropping my gaze to the floor. “It’s better this way.”

                “Not if you and Byunghun are still broken up over it!” Hyerin exclaimed. “Come on! Can’t you see he’s still messed up over your breakup? And it’s obvious you are too! Why don’t you give Changjo a call, or better yet, give Byunghun a call!”

                 “What? No way!”

                “Oh come on! What good is it if both of you are miserable without each other? You obviously want each other back! So stop being so stubborn and just get back together with him!”

                “We didn’t work out the first time!” I cried. “We had too many problems! What makes you think we’ll be better the second time around?”

                Hyerin fell silent. She looked at me with a peaceful expression as she spoke softly. “I remember a long time ago, someone named Bang Minsoo came into my life. I thought I’d never see him again but he was miraculously brought back by a certain someone. She told me all about the difficulties of being in love with someone who lives a whole different life. She said it was hard, but you have to stay strong. She said it takes a lot of effort, patience, and understanding, but it can work. And as good as that certain someone is at giving advice, she sure is horrible at listening to it.”

                “I said all of those things,” I said softly.

                “Yeah, you sure did. And now it’s time you started taking your own advice,” she giggled.

                I knew Hyerin was right. Byunghun and I were better than this. Together we had overcome so many obstacles and defied so many odds. Together were unstoppable, invincible. The world just felt right when Byunghun and I were together, and I knew, at one point, Byunghun felt the same way. Was it possible he still felt that way? Was he still broken up like I was? Did he cry himself to sleep every night for a month straight? Did he put on a façade like he was totally fine when deep down inside he was still hurting? All this time I had been under the impression that I was the only one still holding on. Was Byunghun refusing to let go as well?

                I hugged Hyerin one last time. “Thank you,” I whispered softly. “For everything.”

                Hyerin smiled as she squeezed me. “I just want to see you happy again.”

                We let go of each other, and I opened Kyusoon’s front door. I strolled out into the warm June night, looking up at the stars. As I started the car, I wished on every single one of them that Byunghun truly did still love me.

                I sang “I’ll Be Back” at the top of my lungs the whole ride home, pretending my real favorite rapper could hear.