I did not wake up the following morning—I simply gained a sliver of consciousness for the first time since I had lain down. As I sat up slowly, something fell from my ear. I looked down to see what it was, which made my head begin to pound again. It was only an earbud. I had literally been listening to my iPod all night. “Angel” was still playing on repeat. I felt tears well up in my ears; of course L.Joe’s rap was playing. Of course.

                I tore the earbuds out of my ears. I picked up my iPhone and chucked it across the room until it landed underneath my desk. Feeling deflated, I sat back and watched the numbers on the clock on my dresser change from 4:31 to 4:32. I shifted my tired vision from the clock to the ceiling. Pale silver light from the lamppost outside shone through the windows and spilled onto the ceiling. The air was dead silent. Was this even happening? All of this felt like a surreal dream—scratch that, a nightmare. This wasn’t happening, this just wasn’t.

                I sank back under the covers and pulled my pillow over my head. I let out a sigh, which ended up being a sob. Just when I thought I was out of tears, a fresh batch brewed in the corners of my eyes and spilled out down my face. I covered my wet face with my clammy hands and sobbed miserably some more. I had a throbbing headache. I knew sleep would be the perfect cure, but no matter how exhausted I was, I couldn’t calm myself down enough to sleep. Still, I squeezed my bloodshot eyes shut, dammed up my tears, and tried to steady my shaky breath. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to dream.

                Dreams were the only way to escape reality without completely losing your mind. In dreams, you traveled to whole other worlds, possessed knowledge and abilities you normally didn’t have, and experienced feelings and attitudes you never could when you were awake. Dreams brought you anywhere you wanted to go and let you do anything you wanted to do. You were free to let your mind run wild, to create anything and everything you wanted. Dreams reminded you that there was good in the world, and that what seemed impossible was, in fact, quite the opposite. Dreams filled you up with an indescribable feeling that made you soar higher, smile wider, and laugh louder. You never want dreams to end because who knew when you’d get them back? Who knew if you’d ever dream this same dream again? There was nothing in the world like feeling your eyelashes flutter and your eyes slowly open to a sun-light room, your lips curled into a peaceful smile and your mind reeling with the glorious thoughts of the dream you just had.

                But sometimes, your mind took a different direction. Nightmares. Those kind of heart-racing, sweat-dripping dreams were supposed to make you appreciate reality. Think about it; when you’re in the midst of a nightmare, you’d do anything to get out of it. You scream, but you don’t make a sound. You try to run, but your feet are stuck to the ground. Whatever’s after you is closing in on you and you feel a rush of terror and adrenaline. You never meet your demise, though, because just when things seem to turn deadly, you awaken. You suddenly find yourself panting, lying in bed with the covers all disheveled. Your back feels sweaty and your heart is racing. After blinking in the dark a few times, you realize it was all a dream. You’re safe and sound. Your parents are fast asleep in the next room. Your clock is slowly ticking. You have hours left before dawn to fall back asleep. You breathe a sigh of relief. Thankfully, that was only a dream! You’re not being chased down an alley by a murderer; you’re safe and sound in your bedroom! You pull the covers back up to your neck, resume a comfortable position, and talk yourself back to sleep. It was just a dream. It wasn’t real. It’s all over now. It wasn’t real…

                I wanted to open my eyes and wakeup from this nightmare already. What kind of twisted dream was this? Byunghun and I never fought. We loved each other. We were a perfect happy-go-lucky couple able to beat the odds. We never even once thought of breaking up.  Why would we need to? Things between us had never been better. This had to be a dream; all I had to do to shatter this was to wake up. But every time I opened my eyes, nothing changed. I was still curled up in a ball. I was still under my covers. I was still wearing Byunghun’s t-shirt. I was still heartbroken.

                I felt a tear escape my eye despite my efforts to clamp my eyelids shut once again. Byunghun and I had always been sailing smoothly, and out of the blue came some rough waters. We weren’t strong enough to get through them, and we crashed on the rocks in a disastrous heap. I’d do anything to be back on board with him again. I let him get away too easily. After one mistake, I let him go? How could I have done something like that? I wanted more than anything to rewind time.

                A vision invaded my mind. I’d seen this one before; it was a classic. I used to watch it during class all the time when I let my mind wander. I knew it by heart.

                I’m sitting on the steps outside T.O.P Media’s office building. The August sky overhead is fading from blue to orange and there isn’t a cloud in sight. I see some billboards with gigantic images of SNSD and Super Junior wearing multicolored SPAO hoodies and 2PM holding Coke bottles. There’s some people are walking on the sidewalk across the street. Some are shuffling quickly, talking on their cell phones, and some are hand-in-hand with someone dear to them. I watch the couples and smile, smile, imagining what they’re feeling. Content. Compassion. Complete.

                I’m not alone. Byunghun is sitting next to me. We’re waiting together. Dad is supposed to be taking me home, but as usual, he’s running late. We’re sitting so close our knees are almost touching. But not quite. Our shoulders are almost touching. But not quite.

                Byunghun turns back to look at the door. He pushes blonde hair out of his eyes. “I thought your dad said he’d be right out,” he giggles.

                “’One minute’ to my dad is actually fifteen minutes,” I chuckle.

                Byunghun turns back to me. “My mom does that. She always finds people to talk to.”

                “My mom, too,” I agree. “I think all moms are like that.”

                “Well, he can take as long as he wants.” A smile. “The longer he takes, the more time we get to spend together.”

                A smile, this time from me. I move my hand from my knee to the small patch of concrete between Byunghun and me, suddenly wishing to close the gap between. He rests his hand on top of mine, granting my wish. His hand is soft and warm. Next thing I know, I’m gazing at him. He’s gazing at me. I worry for a split second about my father bursting through the door behind us, but a split second later I forget all about that. My brain is too busy sending messages to the rest of my body: Eyes, close. Heart, beat faster. Lungs, breathe harder. Time, stop. World, melt.

                Lips, meet Byunghun’s.

                A few seconds later, time began again. We separated. I slowly opened my eyes in unison with his. All I could see was his eyes, which were the shape of rainbows…

                Just like that, the vision ended. My first kiss with Byunghun seemed like a dream I had been blessed with ages ago. Just a dream, and nothing more. It didn’t feel like it had actually happened. Reality came flooding back to me like a hurricane. Instead of seeing Byunghun’s rainbow-shaped eyes, I saw a tear-soaked pillow.

                I had begun sobbing uncontrollably again. Once again I thought I was fresh out of tears, but the vision of kissing L.Joe did more than enough to replenish my supply. I guess I had been sobbing excessively loudly, because I heard the door creak open. I poked my head out from under the covers. The morning light streaming into my room gave me a blinding headache.

                In the doorway stood my mom, meekly. “Kirin, darling,” she coaxed softly, “is that you I hear crying?”

                “No,” I sniffed. “That was the TV.”

                Mom hesitated. “You don’t have a TV in your room.”

                I shrugged. It was worth a try.

                Sighing, Mom stepped fully into my room and walked over to sit on my bed. I watched the sorrow pour into her body as she studied my face, frowning. She touched my pale face. “You don’t look too good.”

                I raised an eyebrow. Really, Mom, I didn’t?

                Without a reply from me, Mom sighed. “Kirin, this isn’t worth making yourself sick over.”

                I’ve made myself sick without trying, Mom. I can barely open my mouth to breathe let alone swallow food. I can’t shut my eyes without feeling a weight the size of a boulder on my chest and a lump in my throat the size of a baseball. I can’t help that my whole body ached too much to move. If I could, I would, but I can’t do anything about it.

                I pulled the covers over my throbbing head and bit my lip to keep myself from crying. “Okay, Mom,” was all I managed to squeak out.

                Mom sighed again and looked away. “I didn’t realize he meant so much to you.”

                I pulled the covers back off and let a tear escape as I nodded slowly. No word necessary.

                “Do you feel like talking about it?” Mom asked thoughtfully.

                It was 5:11 in the morning. Of course I didn’t feel like talking about it.

                “I just can’t believe he’s actually gone,” I finally sobbed. “I wish it hadn’t been so hard for us to be together. He’s an idol and I’m nothing, just a random girl. I was stupid to date him, I was stupid to fall for him, I know, Mom, I know, I know you and Dad didn’t want me to date him because you knew this would happen, I know, you don’t have to tell me twice, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and I’m sorry I fell in love with him and I’m sorry we got into a fight and I’m sorry I made myself sick and I’m sorry I’m being so stupid, Mom, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I can’t help but miss him. I miss him more than anything in the whole entire world. I miss him, Mom! I miss Byunghun!”

                Mom didn’t care that it was 5:12 in the morning and she had to get ready for work. She leaned over and gave me a huge hug, and I swore I saw a tear fall from her cheek. “Sweetheart you’re not being stupid about this at all, do you hear me? Not every relationship is going to work out perfectly fine. There’s going to be some challenges to overcome and there’s going to be fights and problems. That’s just a fact of life.”

                Fact of life or not, was it normal to be this upset over a breakup? Was it normal to feel like half of you—all of you—has died? I was emotionally attached to him. I was in love with him, I was lovesick for him. I’d do anything to touch him again. I’d give anything to see him smile again. I’d give anything to watch him run up to me, jerking his head to flip up his cotton-candy pink hair out of his shining brown eyes, crying “Hey there, beautiful!” with a resplendent smile revealing his pearly white teeth through his soft, kissable M-shaped lips. I wanted to hear his dorky laughter, see his eyes turn the shape of rainbows, feel his soft skin and taste his kiss again.

                “I’m the one that pushed him away,” I sobbed. “And now I can’t get him back.”

                I’m the one who broke us up. I’m the one who couldn’t handle the differences between my life and his. I was caught up in the moment and we had been fighting and I was just so tired of it all, I was so sick of the fighting and feeling hurt and forgotten I don’t know why I pushed him away. I just don’t. Because honestly, I don’t know how to function without him. As unhealthy as that is, that’s the truth.

                “Sweetheart, it’s alright. You’ll get through this, I promise! This isn’t going to last forever. Give it time. I’m sure in a week or two, you and Byunghun will be friends again,” Mom coaxed sweetly.

                Friends.

                Maybe in time, we’d be friends.

                I didn’t want—I couldn’t bear—to be just friends with him.

                That only made me cry harder.

- - - - -

Tried some different formatting this time. Is it easier to read?~

Aww, Kirin's so heartbroken :( Will she ever get over L.Joe?

By the way, what do you all think of the graphic? Made by yours truly!