Substance

Whenever Nam Woohyun goes to the festival, he takes his baby cousin along with him. Jihyun, his little cousin is called, loves to play the games that are set up every season. This particular festival will be going on all week; and Jihyun wants to attend every day to wait for his best friend. In better words, Woohyun is just tagging along to see the male that took the other’s best friend outside on those rare occasions.

Right at the moment, Jihyun’s favorite game is to try and catch the goldfish with a paper net. Neither has succeeded yet and felt jealous of the other people walking away with a fish in their bag. Woohyun was worried that the little guy would become discouraged; but of course, with the Nam genes within him, Jihyun refused to give up. Also saying their main goal was to wait for the two people who promised to try to make it to the festival.

Of course, it was not set in stone because with those two and the strict rules of their house; it shouldn’t even be a thought. But the young Nams persisted, being the best friends, and wanted to spend the last moments of together before the elder left for college.

The seventeen year old Woohyun and seven year old Jihyun continued to attend the weeklong festival in hopes that the other two would show up. Waiting every evening in the spot beside the river, watching the fireworks that boomed in the air. Yet, after five days, their hopes; especially Jihyun’s, started to fall.

Woohyun didn’t want his little cousin to be saddened by the fact the other’s couldn’t make it, but it couldn’t be avoided since the raven was also depressed his friend couldn’t meet up with them. Even though he knew how hard it was to get permission to leave that house, he still felt disappointed.

On the evening of the sixth day, Woohyun sat in the grassy shore lines of the river, watching Jihyun run around playing. They had just finished their session with the goldfish, still not able to catch any. The raven sighed at his own incompetence since even he couldn’t bring Jihyun a pretty fish to take home. Instead feeding him some yummy festival only foods and little fun things like a rabbit mask and making him animal accessories. Woohyun himself constructed and sewed together the bunny ears head band and cotton tail for the little boy, making him more adorable than he already was.

He decided to lie back, feeling the night’s wind and staring into the moon that hanged overhead as it was the main purpose of this festival. He then heard a cry, a very familiar cry that brought a smile to his face right away.

“Jihyun!”

A little boy, much the same age as his cousin, made his way carefully down the slope with cautious steps in those slippers and was wearing something similar to Jihyun. A pair of white fox ears sitting atop his windblown hair and a bushy tail behind him. A little bag he carried and flow-y wide sleeved yukata covering his body. 

“Sungyoo!”

His cousin ran over to his friend, crashing him into a considerate hug; careful not to hug too tight. The started giggling for no other reason than being with each other, Jihyun taking the small hand into his own and leading Sungyoo to the water’s edge.

Woohyun chose to continue to sit on the slope, waiting for the elder to slowly make his way down to him.

“So you made it,” Woohyun smiled. “A real pleasure.”

“Sorry we took so long,” the other sighed.

Woohyun shook his head, patting the grass beside him, “Nah, I know how it is in your family. Now sit, the grass isn’t wet.”

“Yeah, but if I stain my clothes, they will know where I went…”

The raven shuffled, removing his jacket from his upper body and laying it on the grass beside him, “How’s that, your highness?”

“Perfect.”

The elder moved to sit down carefully, trying not to stain the similar white haori that donned Sungyoo on himself. Gathering the sleeves into a bunch and holding it in his lap. He saw his cousin move a bit too hastily, and called out a reminder to be careful. Woohyun laughed.

“I see you’re still the nagger, Kim.”

The eighteen year old scoffed, “I see you’re still an .”

“Only for you, Kim Sunggyu.”

They sat, watching their little cousins play beside the water. Sungyoo being careful as always. Woohyun stared at the moon; the glowing orb that changed shapes according to the sun’s light and sometimes disappearing. Sunggyu chose to look more at the hidden stars and aimless clouds that misted the dark sky; illuminated by the moon.

“You know, it’s crazy,” Sunggyu blurted out, making Woohyun go wide eyed at him for a second. Before smiling.

“And why is that?”

The older seemed to hesitate with his words, but kept going anyways. Because it was Woohyun. “When I was a child, I couldn’t wait to grow up. Now that I’m just a step away for adulthood, I want to go back…”

“Yeah, “Woohyun shrugged. “Growing up is a pain, but it’s something we gotta live with.”

“Just think about it,” Sunggyu went on. “Every other living being on Earth just lives life for life. There is no ‘embellishments’ or ‘greater power’. The main reason for life is to keep the species alive, and yet, with like, seven billion people in the world, why is it necessary to make sure everyone is alive?”

Woohyun kept silent.

“Why is it that people mourn for a lost life, when there’s millions more out there? Why cry over a broken heart, when other’s cry for this so called ‘freedom’ or starvation?”

“Because freedom is a human right.”

“But why a human right?” Sunggyu pressed. “Why the hell do humans think that we are some sort of community that needs to have these rights? You don’t see cats saying they need a leader and calling out for each other to bring about food and homes. They set that territorial business and respect their space once they lose. Why are humans so set on making sure everyone is treated the same, when it can’t be helped that the rich get the right of way? No, why is it that humans have currency anyways? Who priced our things? If that never happened, I bet the world would be a lot less destructive and much less people.”

“A long rant as always, Kim,” Woohyun chuckled. “I don’t know why, I don’t have your answers you seek.”

“Shut up, Nam. I’m just babbling,” Sunggyu sighed. “And you’re the only one who’d listen all the way through my crazed mind.”

“Or the only one insane enough to continue hanging out with you.”

“You’re a .”

“Yes, I am.”

They sat in silence again, the laughter of their younger companions drifting over. The night was still fresh, only about eight. The fireworks were going to start soon, and they wanted to watch together.

Woohyun opened his mouth, “But, if we never priced things, no human would have reached out to gain knowledge or power. Nothing we have today would exist.”

“Nothing would have been destroyed too,” Sunggyu seethed. “If we stayed simple creatures, I’m sure that wars wouldn’t have broken out, we never would have figured out technology; effectively saving the Earth of destroying its forests and taking its everything.”

“Then, you and I wouldn’t have been born.”

“I’d rather not be born to make sure Earth never changed than live in this,” the sandy brown male pointed to his clothes.

“Then…” Woohyun looked into his eyes, “We would have never met.”

“Sometimes, I wish we didn’t”

Silence washed over them again, a cruel and unsettling mood hung in the air. Woohyun stared into those small eyes, which refused to meet his gaze. He waited, like he always did, for those dark irises to turn and look at him.

But the son of the shrine up that one hill didn’t return the look. Actually, he couldn’t. Sunggyu’s heart ached and clenched painfully as he continued to stare into the shimmering water. He wanted to, oh, he wanted so badly to look into those shining brown eyes of Nam, but he couldn’t.

He was forbidden to.

Even now, they weren’t supposed to be even talking to each other, but Sunggyu came to the meeting place anyways. No matter how many shouts and yells he got from his parents, he couldn’t stop himself for coming back to the same spot and talking to the one called Nam Woohyun.

Kim Sunggyu was in love with Nam Woohyun; visa-versa.

Yet, they were ripped apart by society and rules.

For Sunggyu, it was either deal with it and live in despair or destroy his family line, forcing everything on little Sungyoo and take off in his dreams for becoming whatever and living with Woohyun. But he couldn’t do it; he couldn’t strip away Sungyoo’s future for his own. He didn’t want to.

He was obligated to keep his role.

Woohyun was all too informed on this matter.

Time and time again, they got together only to be separated by Sunggyu’s mother. The same lecture, the same screams, the same yells. Sunggyu couldn’t take it, almost took a knife to his arm. But Woohyun was there to stop him, instead of his parents. Sungyoo too, who cried all night until he promised not to leave. Jihyun was still a little confused, but he comforted Sunggyu nonetheless.

He loved them, only those other three for Sunggyu. They were the ones who helped him in real times of need, yet now, he was to leave them. To study something he didn’t even like, and pursue a job that would later drive him insane.

Much like his rants to Woohyun.

As much as the younger claims to have already been driven mad, he never was. And Sunggyu was grateful for his patience, even though there was no prize at the end.

“I wish you’d stop staring at things that are hard to see,” Woohyun muttered. “And look beside you for the things already there for you…”

“You already know the answer, Nam,” Sunggyu sighed. “Besides, you’ll find someone much better than me.”

The raven frowned, gripping Sunggyu’s wrist in a not-so-hurtful grip, stating firmly, “I wouldn’t.”

“Stop and consider your future, not ours.” He said, staring off into those hidden stars.

“Don’t say it with that look,” Woohyun growled, glaring at the grass. “Bastard…”

“I never chose this, but you have a chance. Woohyun, don’t drag yourself down because of me. That’s the last thing I would ever want.”

The atmosphere grew ridged, and Woohyun felt bad for making the last few precious moments they had with each other another petty fight. He sighed, admitting defeat.

“Kim, I…”

“Don’t say it,” Sunggyu whispered. The hushed voice that held emotion he tried to keep in, “Don’t.”

“Sunggyu-hyung, Woohyun-hyung!”

They put on smiles, for the sake of the little ones, as the stepped carefully through the grass and dirt toward them. Jihyun and Sungyoo wearing big grins and happy thoughts. Sunggyu envied them.

“Sunggyu-hyung!” Sungyoo called, pulling his sleeve, “Let’s go play tomorrow the fishie!”

“Fishies!” Jihyun shouted with joy, throwing his hands up in the air.

Sunggyu chuckled, “Is that what you want to play?”

“Yes! Tomorrow!”

He patted Sungyoo’s head, smiling with his eyes, “Of course. Then tomorrow we’ll go play with Woohyunnie and Jihyunnie?”

“Yay! Promise?” Sungyoo stuck out his small pinkie for Sunggyu to shake, which he did.

“Promise.”

The fireworks show started.

*

Woohyun lay in the same patch of grass as the other day, waiting. The last day of the festival, their last day together. He didn’t want to think like that, but it was the truth. Sunggyu wouldn’t be able to leave the shrine anymore, stuck in endless schooling and principles. His skull being bashed in with the shrine responsibilities and more. Woohyun wanted to be sick at the thought.

Jihyun lay beside him, out of the usual get up and cheerfulness. He could read the mood well, and knew Woohyun was sad for some reason. The little boy frowned; he didn’t like it when Woohyun was sad. Because usually his cousin was such a happy guy.

“Woohyun-hyung?” he called, sitting up.

Woohyun sighed, smiling and turning his head to face his little cousin, “Yes?”

“Will Sungyoo stop seeing us after this?” Jihyun pouted, the little lip protruding cutely.

“Maybe,” Woohyun didn’t sugarcoat too much, not wanting high hopes. “Sunggyu-hyungie is going to be very busy, and Sungyoo isn’t too strong to come by himself. They might not visit the park anymore.”

“I don’t like that,” Jihyun looked down at his hands. “Woohyun-hyung, I don’t like it. I want Sungyoo and Sunggyu-hyung to play with us.”

“Sometimes, we can’t get what we want, Jihyunnie,” Woohyun sighed again. “The things we want the most are sometimes the ones that are impossible.”

“But you said anything is possible if you work hard!” the little boy stood up. “I’m going to work really, really hard so I can be friends with Sungyoo. Best friends!”

The raven laughed just a bit. Jihyun’s innocent spirits lifting his mood. Ruffling his hair, “You can do it!”

“And I’ll make it so Woohyun-hyung can play with Sunggyu-hyung all the time too!”

With that, Woohyun choked on his own spit. Coughing a couple times, he tried to ease his throat, “W-what?”

Jihyun pouted again, “You don’t like Sunggyu-hyung? I thought you love Sunggyu-hyung?”

“…I-i—“

“Woohyun-hyung is weird,” Jihyun crossed his arms, shooting a cute glare at him. “Sunggyu-hyung loves Woohyun-hyung, so why not you?”

“I do! But how—“

“Sungyoo!”

Woohyun was cut off again as his cousin ran off behind him to greet his friend. He was rendered speechless by a little kid, and he smacked his face in defeat, groaning at his own self.

“That’s new. Are you trying self-loathing now?”

That honey voice came up from behind him, Woohyun turning his head to come face to face with Sunggyu’s. He gasped, shuffling back some with wide eyes. Sunggyu laughed at him.

“Personal space,” Woohyun grumbled. “Geez…”

“Let’s go.”

The raven looked up, Sunggyu’s slender and pale hand stretched out to him, the elder’s smile on his face that made him feel warm. He took the hand attentively, pulled up by the shrine’s son. They made their way, following the very excited kids through the crowds and to the booths. The goldfish one.

Paying for their turn, the two kids went straight to the game, trying to catch the little fish in the pool. Laughing and smiling while doing so, Sunggyu just felt happy that Sungyoo was enjoying himself. So different from back in the house.

“You’re actually dressed normal for once,” Woohyun scoffed beside him, also watching the kids play.

“Yes I am,” Sunggyu made no effort to be sarcastic. “I’d think a cardigan and some jeans would be normal.”

“Normal indeed.”

After two more turns, the group still wasn’t successful in catching anything. The shop keeper was even giving the young duo some tips, but all were in vain as they couldn’t catch a fish. Sunggyu had enough of their blubbering.

“Give me that,” he snatched the small paper net from Woohyun’s hand, crouching down beside the pool. “Geez, let up actually win since we payed.”

Trying a couple times, Sunggyu failed. But on his fifth turn, Sunggyu, with a glare, gave total concentration. Piercing the water’s surface with rage and scooping a fish quickly as his anger fueled adrenaline and skill. Swooping his dish, he caught the little fish in an instant. Standing up with the other three, shouting in joy as they finally caught something. A nice light orange and white goldfish. He gave it to Jihyun.

Just a while later, Sunggyu caught another one, for Sungyoo.

The two little boys walked on the side walk, eating squids from their sticks and staring at the goldfish in their plastic pouch. So happy, smiling, laughing.

Sunggyu trailed behind with Woohyun.

These two stayed idle in their conversation, holding hands while having a nice walk along the river. The breeze felt like a cold flower’s petal, gentle brushing past them. Woohyun walked close, wanting to spend every breath with him. Sunggyu the same.

He was scared, scared that after today, Woohyun wasn’t going to be there anymore. He wasn’t going to be able to sit in the park, just stare at clouds with his friend. His ‘boyfriend’. Illegitimate one.

Stopping beside a bench, Sunggyu called out to tell the kids to not wander too far, stick around this area. They nodded, going off to play in front of them beside the river again. Picking up those stones and comparing them to each other.

Sunggyu then thought, when did ‘Can I?’ become ‘Why can’t I?’

“So tomorrow is lock down?” Woohyun softly asked, already knowing the answer as he gripped Sunggyu’s hand tighter.

“Yeah,” was all he responded with, leaning his head onto Woohyun’s shoulder. “It is.”

“Will we…” the raven started, taking several breaths before pushing his words out, “…still talk?”

“I won’t have a phone, but I can chat online,” Sunggyu prepped, trying to will Woohyun’s heart to calm. “Really, Hyun, are you sure?”

“Of course,” the immediate reply was given. “Of course, Gyu…”

They stayed silent again, but not like yesterday. This time, they only wanted to feel the warmth off each other. The very presence of each other, comforting and lightening themselves in the few moments they had together. Hearing the chimes of bells in the distance, the roar of drums and the ringing laughter of their cousins.

“Nam,” Sunggyu called.

“Hm?”

“I…” he coughed. “I got into a fight again with Mother.”

“You need to stop that, Gyu,” Woohyun soothed his hand with his thumb. “It won’t help.”

“But it did.” He smiled.

“What?”

“Of course,” Sunggyu sat up, looking into his eyes for once. For once, they locked eyes with a real reason other than trying to punch each other’s faces off. “Shall I tell you?”

“Yes!” Woohyun inched closer, those dark eyes so much better to look at up close.

“If you’d wait,” the male miko looked to his side, but only with his eyes. Moving his gaze anywhere but Woohyun, “We’d be able to… you know…”

“Really?!”

Woohyun’s entire face brightened; a smile not able to be held back any longer.

“Yes, really,” Sunggyu sighed, looking back at him again. “Mother said if you go through college, and we both can land good jobs, we’re free. “

“No way! What about Sungyoo?”

“He’s coming with me to college.”

“Wait… what?”

They stared at each other, the confusion etching into Woohyun’s eyes. Sunggyu awkwardly chuckled, scratching his head.

“Um,” he started, “Maybe that’s not what Mother really said…”

“Kim…” a stern voice from Woohyun threatened.

“I was,” Sunggyu coughed, “kicked out in sorts.”

“You’re such an idiot.”

“Let me finish, hat!” Sunggyu huffed, cuffing him on the side of the head. “Mother found a new Miko to train, much better than me or Sungyoo. And since we’re no longer of use, she gave us the boot.”

“What the…”

“That’s what I said,” Sunggyu kicked back, letting his shoes skim the sidewalk. “But I kinda like it.”

Woohyun scoffed, “Such a rebel.”

“I know right?”

“Then,” the raven hugged him, “Are you going to move in with me?”

“Maybe.”

“I mean, I’ve got more than enough room in my flat, and Jihyun lives next door with Auntie.”

“That sounds lovely.”

“And you can pay monthly rent with our way of payment.”

“No thanks, I’ll get a job.” Sunggyu laughed for the first time in a while, his unrestrained laugh.

Woohyun laughed along with him, “Me too, then!”

“Thank you, Woohyun.” Sunggyu turned, smiling and repeating. “Thank you.”

“No more cotton candy, Gyu,” Woohyun whispered, ghosting over his lips under the moonlight. “Promise?”

Sunggyu intertwined their pinky fingers, smiling and sealing the long awaited contract. “No more cotton candy, promise.”

He never stared at the aimless clouds or hidden stars at night ever again. Only seeing the changing moon patterns with a stupid oaf at his side, taking care of their baby cousins.