Persistent nightmares were awakening him almost every night. But it were not his but the ones his band member Kim Himchan had. This night he had been woken twice by them and he knew it just couldn’t go on like this for much longer. They had busy schedules and only a few hours to sleep and even if Yongguk was a person who could live with a minimum of sleep being constantly woken up every night was taking a toll on him and it had to be even worse for Himchan himself. But the nightmares were not his only problem. He was staying awake at night and couldn’t find sleep because his mind was running in circles thinking about what was causing them because Himchan just wouldn’t tell him. Yongguk knew that Himchan was no one that could handle his emotions well and he guessed his bad dreams could have something to do with it. Everybody had nightmares once in a while but having them every night could not be healthy, he was quite certain about it.

“We need to talk,” Yongguk said and tried to use his leader-voice. It had great effect with the younger ones but hardly any on Himchan but he tried it anyway.

“What do you want to talk about?” Himchan said quite cheerfully.

“You had nightmares again,” he confronted him and saw Himchan’s smile fading immediately.

“We have to go to practice soon. Let’s talk about it later,” Himchan answered.

“Himchan, I know that this is your way of saying we’re not going to talk about at all but we have to talk about it.” Yongguk knew he had to force Himchan to talk otherwise he would remain silent about this topic forever. Himchan was a really good talker as long as it wasn’t about personal feelings or emotions. It had been worse before but he had opened up a lot over the last while. He had been surprised about the letter he wrote and read at one of their concerts but when it came to his dreams he would still stay silent.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said and turned away. Yongguk grabbed his arm and turned him back around. Himchan could be really stubborn at times. Yongguk remembered one of their bigger fights and the consequences that followed. Himchan could be stubborn enough to quit talking and that for a really long time and nothing was worse than a constantly quiet Himchan that reminded you with his silence what you did wrong.

“I know that you don’t want to talk about it, but we have to,” Yongguk told him and wished he was a better talker and knew what words could convince him but he wasn’t so he had to do it the best way he could.

“At least not here,” Himchan said and looked to the other members who were in the living room chatting and watching a show on TV. Yongguk was quite surprised how soon Himchan had given up. He had planned to persuade Himchan all day long till he gave in and now Himchan was yielding so soon.

“Let’s go for a walk than,” Yongguk suggested.

“What about practice?” Himchan asked. He saw in the way he was looking that Himchan had till hope he would get out of the situation.

“The others can go ahead. I will make up a good excuse later.” He had no idea what he should tell but it wasn’t important at the moment.

“Get ready. I’ll tell the others that were heading out.”

A moment later they were on the streets walking in no direction in particular. The air was cold and was slowly getting dark. He decided he would wait for Himchan to talk first even if it would take longer but at least Himchan would be more comfortable this way.

“Aren’t you afraid, that someday everything we worked for will just disappear?”

“Why should it disappear? Even if we wouldn’t make music anymore, the music we made until now will never disappear.”

“I know, it’s stupid but…,” Himchan felt silent in the middle of the sentence and Yongguk just waited for him to continue.

“Those dreams I have, there are always different but they all have a pattern,” Himchan told him. His voice was silent as if he himself did not want to hear what he was about to say. His breathing became fast and uneven, too.

“I’m alone in a crowed and they expect me to do something that I can’t do and then I try and make everything just worse and then they stare. They are staring at me all the time and I just can’t do it and then they are laughing and saying things. I don’t even remember what they are saying but they don’t go away, they never go they just stay there and stare and I’m alone and can’t go away. I don’t know why but I just can’t go.” Yongguk noticed tears running down Himchan’s pale face while he was rambling on about his dreams. He had not expected something like this. In his nightmares he was running away from someone he couldn’t see or faced with some kind of dangerous situation but he had never had a dream like Himchan but then again he was nothing like Himchan so it was senseless to expect something similar in the first place. He put a hand on Himchan’s back and tried to comfort him with his touch because he had no idea what to say to those dreams.

“I don’t have a problem with large crowds. I wouldn’t have wanted to be an idol if it were like this.”

“I know,” Yongguk said.

“And those dreams are different. I don’t have a problem with going to variety shows and people laughing while I make some stupid mistakes.”

“I know that, too. That’s what you were afraid of, right? That I get it wrong?” Yongguk asked.

“I think so. I don’t know. I just had these dreams. But it felt good to tell you.”

“I’m no one who judges that easily, you should know that.”

Himchan just lowered his head. Tears where still running down his face but he was a lot calmer and tried to get a hold of himself.

“We all come to situations where we don’t know what to do,” Yongguk told Himchan.

“I know that but these dreams are not logical. It’s this awful feeling when you just don’t know what to do anymore,” he told him looking at him with puffy red eyes.

“But there is still one thing you can do.”

“Hmm?”

“You can always come to me. You can always talk to me about them if you need to. You’re never alone.”