Seoul,  2014

I drive my car insanely from Jiyong oppa’s apartment. For a slight of moment I wish I had an accident today and so that I would dead with all my pains. Afterwards, I regret my feelings. Maybe the considerations that I bring another life inside me now somehow make me see everything in a different perspective.

                Jiyong oppa is indeed a jerk. He proposed to a girl while he slept with another one. I see him as a fragile man, he came to me with his pure hidden smile, and offered me another happiness I have never known before.  I thought he likes to be with me because I can give him something he needs like he gives me all the things I need. Joyful, laughs, loves, smile, and now.. he even add the list. He teaches me what pain is.

                My tears don’t want to stop covering my cheeks along the side to YG building. Yang Sajangnim is my last resort. I can’t tell my members about this. I can’t be weak in front of them. I know Sajangnim will provide me his best solution. Like Appa, he has his own way to  solve problem. I really want to call my parents now but I think it’s not a good timing.

                As soon as I reach YG building, I walk quickly and not even greeting everyone I meet as I always do. I am not in my right mind now. What I know is I have to meet Yang sajangnim and tell him everything. I need advise. Moreover, I need someone to share with. This pain is even worse than before.

                I knocked Sajangnim’s office door. I can hear his voice allow me to enter the room.

                “Chaerin..” he looked surprise to see me. “I thought you have a day off from recording today. Have you been feeling well? Teddy told me you have a big problem with your health yesterday when recording..”

                “Sajangnim…” I bow in front of him. “I am really so sorry…” I cry in front him. OH GOD. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE?

                “What’s going on, Chae-ah..?” he sounds afraid of my act.

                “This…” I take out the positive test pack from my bag and put it on Sajangnim’s desk. “I am really so sorry for ruin everything you have planed for 2NE1 and for me..”

                “Chaerin-ah.. come here..” Yang Sajangnim walk into me and bring me into his embrace. This is the last time I know I have to keep staying strong. My defenses collapse. I am a weak Lee Chaerin now. I cry on Yang Sajangnim’s shoulder. He tries to comfort me.

                “Tell me who make you turn into someone weak like this, Chae-ah…” I can’t answer this. How can I tell him that the jerk who made me this weak is someone Sajangnim’s like and praise a lot. “is it Jiyong?” he fires the missiles. My heart ache. This even get worse, I cry harder.

                “If it’s Jiyong, why are you crying like this? It’s so obvious that he likes you, Chae. You don’t have to worry…” he says and I feel like I want to slap myself right in my face. How come everyone repeating those fake ing conclusion in front of me.

                “Who said… who said that.. Yang Sajangnim??” I release from his embrace. “He.. he proposed those girl today… I.. I saw it by .. I saw it by myself…”

                “That girl?”

                “Kiko.. Mizuhara Kiko. He proposed her today in his apartment….” And with that I told Yang Sajangnim all the story of my pain. He looked me in pain. I know he can’t believe what I told him right now but he has to admit that his lovely junior has choosen someone else.

                “Go call your Appa, Chaerin. I think you have to leave Korea for a while. Calm yourself down first, you can take all the time you need. I can’t believe Jiyong really goes for that girl who had made him turned into a scandal. You can go to France first and cooling down there. I will talk to Jiyong…”

                “Anniyo.. Sajangnim. Please.. you have to promise me not to tell him about this baby. I don’t want him to give up on his love just because of me..”

                “Chae…” Sajangnim seems like he can’t believe what I have said. “And you want me to see you suffering from this kind of big problems alone?”

                “Sajangnim I have you on my back, right? It’s enough for me. I have ruined 2NE1.. and I don’t want to be another reason for ruin Bigbang. No… “

                “You are not, Chaerin…”

                “Sajangnim.,..” I beg him. “Alright then. Pack your things. I will ask Secretary Kang to book you the first flight to France. Also, don’t forget to tell your parents. I will go to France and meet them as soon as possible…”

                “Yes Sajangnim. I really thankyou for this…”

                “Don’t mention it. I love you. Just like I love all my artists. You are my gold, Chaerin. You are one of a kind and I will not let you and your talent go away. Promise me you will always be with YG and me?”

                “I will. I am so glad you said that, Sajangnim…” I force myself to give him my smile. He deserves it, though. He has given me everything until now. Yang Sajangnim.. I really thankyou. You have no idea how much I thankyou now, Sajangnim. Much .. so much.

***

Incheon, 2014

2NE1 Kakaotalk group chat :

CL21 : Girls, this might become my first and last long message for you all. I have something I should do in France. My Appa needs my help because as you all know Harin is taking her school in China.. my Eomma feels like her health goes down as she has no one to take care off. Appa thinks this might bring her into another level of stress. I should leave Korea for a while and stay with her. You all don’t have to worry. I have discussed it with Yang Sajangnim. He gave me his approval. Besides, you all will have solo activities by your own. Yang Sajangnim said we will renew our contract as 2NE1 and maybe because of my leaving, we can’t do group activities like we have scheduled before. But I promise I will be back before you know it. How should I say more? You all maybe blaming me now for not taking good care of you all and this group. For those mistake I made, I really am sorry and apologize to you all. Please take care of yourself while I am leaving. I love you all. I really do.

Much love, Lee Chaerin xxx

                I stare at my phone while waiting for my flight. It’s a VIP waiting room and no one here maybe that curious to think about me so I feel like it’s free for me to cry here. After send those message I can’t stop crying. In fact since my ride from my apartment to Incheon Airport I can’t stop crying. I have no any brave to even visit 2NE1 dorm. So I just take my stuffs from my apartment in Itaewon and choose to leave my stuffs in 2NE1 dorm and didn’t take it.

                I was afraid that if I went by 2NE1 dorm I wouldn’t have any other brave to leave Korea. My members need me. But I need myself more. I feel so selfish for that, but what can I do? If I stay, it only wait for the times that the entire world will know about my pregnancy. I can’t live with that. It would affect 2NE1 more. So, this is the best way.

                Beep Beep.

                It doesn’t take a long time for my members to reply my message. I read it one by one and tears keep on flow from my eyes.

                BOM-CORN :  WHAT DID YOU SAY? ARE YOU OKAY? WHY IS IT SO SUDDEN?

                Minzy : Unnie, what’s going on? Are you still at the airport? I want to see you. Why don’t you talk to us first? You just leave like this?

                BOM-CORN : CHAERIN… WHY DON’T YOU REPLY THIS MESSAGE? You were good this morning until you…. DON’T TELL ME YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF THAT! CHAERIN.. TELL ME.. TELL US..

                Ssan-DARA : Baby, what’s going on? I am still at the shooting location now. How come you just say you are leaving without even talk to us first? Is there really any serious problem in France?

                Minzy : Chaerin unnie. Did you read this message?

                CL21 : Girls, my plane will take off soon. I have to go. I love you guys. I will talk to you after I reach France. Please take a good care… bye…

                Minzy : Chaerin unnie.. you’re serious? I am with Jiyong oppa now, please wait for us. We are in our way to Incheon. Please unnie.. wait for us. I will cry hard if you leave me. You promise me that you will give me your song and be the producer for my solo single.

                BOM-CORN : Minji, you are with Jiyong? U-turn!!!!!!!!! BACK TO YG BUILDING NOW!  NO NEED TO BRING HIM MEET CHAERIN NOW! CHAE HAS GONE WITH HER FLIGHT! U-turn MINJI!!!

                Minzy : but… unnie..

                Ssan-DARA : Chaerin… you owe us a reason. Please keep it in your mind. If you forget that I will delete your contact number from my phone.

                BOM-CORN : Chaerin-ah.. you too.. please take care of yourself, ne? We will visit you and your family when we can.

                Minzy : Chaerin unnie… :’(

                I read all of those message. It hurts me even more. I turn off my phone and keep it inside my bag. Take a deep breath Chaerin. After this everything will not be the same anymore. Dear my unborn baby, please give your eomma some additional strength and energy, would you?

***

Paris, 2014

I have never expected that my parents’ reaction towards my condition right now will be like this. Six months ago I came here to France and crying a lot. Eomma as I remember had never stopped comforting me. I though they will be disappointed at me or even mad, but they were not. At first when they know I was pregnant, they just looked shocked. They didn’t ask me who’s the dad is. They just say “It’s good to have new family member in this family..”

                I am so glad that I have them during my pregnancy. I was in a deep stress on my first month. Morning sickness attacking me like crazy gaga. Plus, I can’t stop thinking about Jiyong oppa and crying for him all day long. I didn’t want to eat. I felt like everything I swallow within my mouth will be ended go out through my vomit, so there’s no need to eat.

                “Chae.. you will lose your baby if you keep on act like this. Right now, you can’t think only about yourself. Remember that you bring another life with you now. Please live a good life, for the sake of your baby. Okay?” one day Eomma talk to me after for the hundred times I refused to eat my brunch.

                That time I back to my mind.

                I have to live a good life. For me. For my baby. For both of us two. Then, I tried to eat everything prepared for me. I took a light sport for pregnant woman. I made sure this unborn baby had already enough nutrient. I did that for six month. My very precious six months before everything was taken from me. EVERYTHING. MY LIFE WAS TAKEN FROM ME AS IF JIYONG OPPA IS NOT ENOUGH FOR FATE TO TAKE AWAY FROM ME.

***

YG Building, Apgujeong, 2016

Bom eonni and I were planning to have a recording for her upcoming boyband. This is the first time she become a producer for a group. She is involve from the very first start. I remember Bom unnie always talked about this group whenever we had chatting time during my left to France. She always success made me laugh with her story about her trainees.

                “Chaerin… please judge them supportively. Tell me what’s good and bad from them. I am so nervous. You know this is my first project to debut a boyband, eventhough it’s still under YG Entertainment but I gathered, raise, and trained them by myself. They are just like my kids now. So please help them with you ability..” Bom eonni says as we walk together into the judging room. Usually it’s Yang Sajangnim’s job to judge and hold a quarterly review for every trainees. But now, Sajangnim seems like want to give his hands to Bom unnie. No wonder she looks so nervous.

                “Eonni, I will do my best to help you with them. You trust me, right?” I assure her.

                “Yes, Ma’am. I trust you. Now… please come into the room..” I laugh when Bom eonni opens the door for me.

                As I enter the room, I can feel the fascinating aura from total 5 boys inside the room. They are all well-prepared from head to toe. It’s a good sign. They have a really good taste in fashion and representing the current style I can see from all the teenagers in Gangnam.

                “Annyeonghasseyo…” they bow at me and Bom eonni. I smile and bow back to them which make them a little bit surprised. I sit in my place and after Bom eonni sits on her place too I order them to start performing.

                They palced in each position. Music starts … they dance.. one of them lead the rap then sing… chorus… and I feel something weird. No.. not with them It’s with me. I feel like everything turns into a black. So dark. Oh.. am I hangover right now?

                I can hear Bom eonni scream out loud and call my name, “OH MY GOD CHAERIN-AH…”

                When I got my consciousness again, I realized I’m not in YG building anymore. The wall is all coloured in white. I have a night stand beside my bed, a big screen television in front of me about a metre from my bed, also a big window which curtains are opened.

                I am in a hospital, no doubt. But why? Ah yeah.. I was loosing my conscious when I supposed to judge Bom eonni’s upcoming boyband. Sigh. My healthy is really not that good during this year. This happen a lot as well when I was still in France.

                “Hello, Chaerin..” that’s Bom eonni entering the room along side with a doctor follow behind her back. I remember him as Doctor Goo Hyung Shik. I have met him before in France, and my doctor in France, Doctor Mallard has arranged a schedule for me to meet him here in Korea. But I don’t want to meet any doctor again. I feel healthy enough… and Doctor Mallard’s suggestion about my problem is so crazy. I can’t accept that.

                “Good evening, Chaerin-ssi. How are you feeling?” he asks me while check me up.

                “As you can see, Doctor. I am good…”

                “It’s good to hear that, but you have to know that you must see me to have your treatment soon, Chaerin-ssi. I believe Doctor Mallard had told you about your sickness, right? It’s a big deal, Chaerin-ssi. Let me help you, okay?”

                “……”

                “My treatment will not causing any dangerous for you, trust me. You’d better think about that again. For now, I will leave you. Your parents are on their way here just in case you wonder where they are. Now.. excuse me..” he bows to me and Bom eonni then left.

                I have enough of this.

                “Chaerin-ah. What happened? Is this also the reason why you leave us two years ago?” she asks me a question which I don’t know what the answer is. How can I answer that, eonni?

                “Chae-ah. You have to share it with someone elese. You can share it to me, at least?”

                I look into her eyes. This must be hard for her not to asking everything for so long eventhough she is really curious. This is hard for me too, eonni. If you only knew.

                “Eonni… two years ago… I left Seoul because.. I was pregnant. You were right. I was pregnant and they were Jiyong oppa’s children.” I can feel Bom eonni stops breathing. “I was going to tell him when I found the hearaching fact that he didn’t love me the way I love him with all I am. He proposed Kiko when I wanted to tell him about my pregnancy. It was a mess. I lost my mind. I told Yang Sajangnim and he suggested me to leave for France and I accepted that as the best solution…”

                Bom eonni interrupts me with her question, “So.. Naeun and Joeun are Jiyong’s children?”

                I shoke my head. “No they are not. Six months after my pregnancy, I got miscarriage of my pregnancy. I lost my babies. They are twins, a boy and a girl. It seems like I was a bad mother and somehow I felt sorry to Jiyong oppa. His children was died because of me.  It was a huge lost for me. I lost my loves.. Jiyong oppa, and my babies respectively. I felt like I couldn’t continue my life. But God loves me maybe so that he sent me Naeun and Joeun. They were a parentless twins. Their parents were my Dad’s acquaintance in the university where my Dad works for. They knew each other because Naeun and Joeun parents are the new lectures from Korea in that university. Unfortunately on their work trip to Berlin, they got into an accident and left Naeun and Joeun alone in this world….”

                I take a deep breath before continue, “My dad introduce me to Naeun and Joeun and I directly think about my children whose age are about in a same range with them. Without any hesitation I adopt them. They are my savior. I have another reason to keep alive because of them. But life isn’t that good. For every good news in my life always end up with bad news. In the new year eve this year, I finally covered up why I got miscarriage before. Doctor Mallard, my doctor in France told me that…  I have a cancer… in my uterus…”

                “Chaerin…”

                “I have no choice, eonni. Every treatments they offer will put me into the disability of pregnant again. Which mean, I can’t have my own children again. I have suffered before.. but right now, I have no idea how could I be suffering from such this troubles…”

                “Chaerin…” Bom eonni is crying and hugs me. If only this hugs could solve everything.

***

a/n : could it be said that I have a double post today? haha.. actually i made it because all of your comments about Jiyong. It's right that my first intention in making this fic is to 'kill' him but somehow i have a guilty feeling towards him. So, i manage myself to finish this fic asap. As your note, this chapter will be the last CL's PoV. The next chapters will be changed into another character's PoV. Who's that? Please wait for it. Thankyou so much for take your time reading this ^.^ xxx