Incheon, South Korea 2016

 I take a deep breath. The airplane has touched down. Seoul.. I’m back.

How long has it been? Almost two years? Yeah.. it’s been about two years I leave Seoul. Never thinking about coming back but then here I am. Too many thing left, too many feelings I’ve thrown back when I left city.

I take off my rayban just to have a clear sight of scenery. Incheon airport is still the same I could remember.  Ah.. I miss this country as much as I hate it. Or I hate this country as much as I miss it? I don’t know. The only thing I know is I should go to Apgujeong and meet Yang Sajangnim as soon as possible. Since, he is the only person I tell about my flight to Korea. It’s not yet official that I will be back here again. Besides, I also leave Joeun and Naeun, my kids, with my parents in France. I miss them already.

Beep…

Chaerin-ah… has the airplane landed yet? I will pick you up, just wait for me in the cafeteria.

A message from Yang Sajangnim pop up and I think I should be looking for an Americano now. Haha….

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Seoul, South Korea 2014

Beep

I am looking for you. Don’t play around with me, hunchae-ah.

A message from Jiyong oppa disturbs me. I am in the studio, why did he say I am playing around with him. He must be so drunk to text such a joke. I drink my Americano which has become my angels since yesterday. I’m on making a new music sheet. Teddy oppa helps me a lot but since yesterday he took days off because his girlfriend wanted him to accompany her to London. Ah-yeah.. I am tired of this.

“There you are!”

Jiyong oppa is finally here?

I turn back to see him enterting the studio. He doesn’t look like he is drunk. But he is totally in a mess. Poor him. He must be very tired after all the solo and group activities he should did in Japan. Last year, he is like YG’s money machinery, and this year I think he will be stay still become one.

“What are you doing?” he says and takes a seat on the table near me. Our position now is so close. Ah.. I hate it when he acts like this.

“As you can see, oppa. I am making my music…”

“Where’s Teddy hyung?” he looks around the studio.

“He’s off to London with his…”

“Girlfriend.. okay..” Jiyong oppa cuts my words. “And you’re alone? Until so late?”

“Yes?” I’m confuse with his question which sounds like he is shock. Wait a minute, did I forget telling him that I was alone at the studio on my last message to him this noon? Oh-hell.

As I predict. I forgot to tell him so he looks so mad now.

“I told you thousand times, Chae. Don’t push yourself too much. Everytime you work or exercise overtime, I feel like you will spent all your energy and will fall into sickness…”

I rolled my eyes to him. “Oppa, you’re just too much. Okay?”

Instead of replying my bad words, he touches my cheek with both of his hands. I feel like his warming energy is transferred into my body, and pump my blood into my cheek. I turn red. OMG!

“I am worrying about you, Chae..” he says in husky. I don’t know what the hell happens to me, to him, to us, but naturally I turn my head into the side and kiss his right hand which touching my left cheek. “Nothing to worry about, oppa. Because I will always have thousand of energy reserves. I will not fall into sickness..”

“Am I one of your energy reserves?” he asks.

I have no answer for that, and his eyes look so grey, so abstract, and so close… even getting closer.. and closer… and then I can feel his lips on mine. My eyes close. I can see nothing but love. Is this love? I kiss him back and with that he bring me, bring us into the paradise. I fly so high with him. I want more. I want him in all over my body. I need him.

This is not the first time.

I forget how many times it has been so far. But the exact thing I know is he is my first, and no one just him has ever inside me. Since the start I decided to have kind of relationship with Jiyong oppa, I know that I can involve my heart inside it. But what’s the reason to have friend with benefits with him when it’s not about heart?

When we started this, he is in a slight ‘close-but-not-close’ relationship with a Japanesse model. And when he changed the relationship into ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ relationship with her, I feel like a dumb. But he is so fragile. I try to fix his and everytime we make love, he fixes me.

I ever brought my feelings to him saying that I feel like it’s not good for us to continue everything when he is in relationship with someone else. GODAMNIT his answers slapped me in the very right place. He replied, “I don’t care about what you call my relationship with her. But, you don’t have to feel bad with her because she did the same to me. She sleeps with other boys but I am okay with that. I know that my relationship with her can help her much in this entertainment world and just with that I’m enough. Because I love her so much…”

And I love him so much –maybe.

Something isn’t gone great with him, and I want to fix it. While in my case, he is like my balancing tool. He is the one who tell me to walk…. Tell me to run… tell me to stop… tell me to walk again. Realize it or not he fixes me in a good way.

“Oppaaaaa…….” I moan when its finally here.

“I … love … you… Chae…” he says.

Do you really love me, Oppa?

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Apgujeong, South Korea 2016

“Welcome back, Chaerin-ah..” Sajangnim opens his office door for me.

“Thankyou, Sajangnim…”

“Please..” he shows me a chair to sit down.

“Everything looks the same except more new artists, more new trainees..” I starts the conversations.

“And.. you still have your three years with YG, Chae. What will you do with that?”

“I don’t know, Sajangnim. You know that…”

“I know,” he cuts. “… This door will always be opened for you. Besides, before Jiyong returns from army, I have no idea what to do to you…” he laughs.

“Just don’t ever make a duet for us. I can’t accept that…” I laugh too, but he stops laughing.

“What do you mean? You still don’t want to work with him…?”

“Do you think I still could working with him after all the things?”

“Chae.. actually, he is..”

“Sajangnim. Please?”

“Okay. It’s up to you, Chae. I will leave this problem for you two to solve it…”

I smile.

***