Seoul, 2016

“Are they your children? My children?”

                It’s two in the morning. I lay on my bed thinking about what I have done during this hours. After a long disccussion, finally I succeed kicking away Jiyong oppa from my apartment. Eventhough he kept asking about Joeun and Naeun, I stayed close my mouth. I can’t talk about my two years backward life with him. I have been suffering this far, how could I tell him how many tears I had shed, how deep my hurt is, how many times I realized I hate him but then I know I am too much in love with him until I can’t even remove him from my mind.

                Knowing that no matter how insist he was, I wouldn’t talk about Naeun and Joeun with him, he gave up. He said something about he will make his own proof. I don’t care. I said he could make any proof he want then he will know it was useless. But he just smiled at me with his number one famous smile. Pure. Innocent. I want to ram my head into the wall. HOLLY CRAP CHAERIN! You supposed to hate him but you think his smile was pure and innocent. What’s going on with you?

                After Jiyong oppa’s left, I continue my life and the rest is history. I cooked for Naeun and Joeun. I taught them how to read in hangul and also in romanization. But I did it like a robot. I didn’t really pay attention with what I did and cause me in a foolish actions. Tell you, I soaped myself twice when I took a bath this noon. I threw my music sheet which will be used for tomorrow recordings into the garbage can. And even many more fool crap.

                That’s embarassing for myself.

                I see the clock on the nightstand. It’s half past two in the morning and I still can’t sleep. OH GOD. What’s wrong with me. Don’t tell me I still have to experienced all the hurts again. I won’t.

***

YG Building, Apgujeong, 2016

I wear my chanel glimmers today. The black hole under my eyes seems like can swallow everything it sees from the very first start. I am affraid everyone would consider it as the sign of chaerin-is-back-to-her-unhealty-life which also mean I will get somekind of go-get-rest-dear-weak-chaerin . Oh-uh not now. Not now when I suppose to record my single and prepare for my comeback.

                “Annyeonghasseyo...” I open the studio door and come inside.

                There I see Youngbae oppa along with Teddy oppa are sitting together on the chouch. Maybe waiting for me? I smile at them who keeps staring at me weirdly.

                “Bae oppa, you’ve already here?” I walk into him and then sit on the other side of the couch which is located next to him.

                “You wear a glimmers today?” he asks.

                “You see it. Why? Is it weird? It’s the new collection of Chanel’s. Have you seen it, oppa?”

                “Chae.. you know that’s not what I mean...”

                “So what do you mean? I don’t understand..”

                He sighs. I take a glance at Teddy oppa looking for some help. I really don’t want to talk about this right now. I just want to have my recording. Finish it as soon as possible and come back to my life again (read : FRANCE).

                “Youngbae, I think you have to be patient and not interogating her now. You said you were here to support her before you enlist to the army..”

                I look him in shock. “Bae oppa, you haven’t told me that you will go into army soon...”

                He looks like he is upset and tell, “Sorry, Chae-ah. When I heard from Yanggeng that you were back to Seoul, I was too excited and forgot to tell you about my army schedule.”

                “That’s not an excuse. We have met about five times already after I was back to Seoul and you have dozens of chances to talk about it with me..”

                “As you also have dozens of chances to talk about your reason for leaving to me too Chaerin. But you have never used it...” Youngbae oppa quickly answer me. That’s a good point of view. He didn’t tell me about his army because I didn’t tell him about my secret. I forget the fact that he is not just a nice, smart, and true gentleman.. he is a smart one as well.

                “Oppa, I have told you before. Do you remember an old English idiom said, everybody has their skeleton in the closet? My reason for leaving and disappearing is something a shameful secret. I don’t think I can share it with anyone I know will have an access to keep on repeating those secret in front of my face. I have enough hurt on me already..”

                “That’s not an excuse, Chaerin. Do you really think I am that bad to recall your secret and shout it in front of your face? No. In the other hand, I want to help you...”

                “Bae oppa...” I almost cry now. He is one of my best oppas. I can’t have a fight with him too.

                “Okay... okay.... “ Teddy oppa interupts everything. “Why do you guys arguing like there’s no one else in this room, huh? Please, I am still here. Now, Youngbae get back to your mind and let’s not talking about this ever again. Agree?”

                I stand up from my seat. I know when I got back here, everything will never be the same with the time I left from here two years ago. It really is different.

***

Seoul, 2014

It has been a week after Yulia and Kiko visited Seoul. Jiyong oppa has never talked about her anymore. Maybe because he wants to focus more on my songs projects for 2NE1. He always helps me with my very first own time become a producer.

                The day after tomorrow he will be leaving to Japan for Bigbang Dome Tour. I think I should thanked him for helping me by this far and give him something before he leaves for Japan. Tomorrow is my only chances since after Jiyong oppa finishes Bigbang Dome Tour, I will be having my own series of business with 2NE1. 2NE1 is scheduled to release a new album and maybe also combined with series of world tour. Clearly I won’t have enough time to see Jiyong oppa after he comeback from Japan.

                “Bom unnie, let’s go!” I say in front of her room door.

                Dara unnie has a schedule for filming a new CF, Minji is still busy with recording for her own new solo song, so Bom unnie the one who has no schedule for today offers me a help in accompany me looking for something for my gift to Jiyong oppa.

                Finally she opens the door and come outside. “Chaerin, why are you always this excited when it comes to giving something for someone else, huh?” she says and laughs.

                “I don’t....” oh my God. I feel like... OUGH...... I run into the bathroom at the corner of the room. I vommit. AGAIN. I have been like this since yesterday. OH GOD.. I really have to fix my unhealty life during recording and training times.

                “Are you alright, Chae?” Bom unnie has already been behind me. “We can cancel our schedule today. You can just give him a peck on his cheek. I bet he will be enough with that..” she says again with laughs. She really loves to laugh.

                “Unnie. That’s not funny..” I say after I feel a bit comfortable and not any indication for vomitting again.

                “Are you sick or what Chae? Dara said to me last night that you were vomitting like hell along the days in the studio while recording Dara’s part..”

                I nod. “Yeah. It seems I was having a trouble with my food and loss energy, unnie...”

                “That’s not really like you...” she has a face of thinking hard right now. “WAIT! DON’T TELL ME YOU ARE.....” I don’t expect what she will say.. I am... “PREGNANT! OH MY GOD CHAERIN!”

                “UNNIE! Of course I am not!! I am just too tired!”

                “EVERYTHING CAN BE HAPPENED!” she shouts again.

                “NO! Jiyong oppa is always using protection. It couldn’t be like that..”

                “You sure?” she asks and I even doubting myself now on. OH ! YES! A week ago after Jiyong oppa give me  a ride back from aunt Bora’s gallery, the day I overthought Jiyong oppa and Kiko’s situation... we had a special night in my apartment. It turned naturally as usual and I don’t even ask him whether he already used protection or he hadn’t.

                “Do you think I need to buy a testpack unnie?” I said with my lowest voice. What should I do now?

***

Seoul Forest, 2014

I am driving to Jiyong oppa’s apartment. It’s unusual. Usually he is the one who come into my apartment. But today I have a very good big news that I can’t handle for myself alone. After bought a testpack and   used it, I found out something big.

                I will become a mother soon.

                Yes. The test is positive. I am so happy and decided by that time to ride into Jiyong oppa’s apartment and told him about this. Maybe he will have a same reaction with me? Who knows?

                At first I felt affraid, and then I feel like so blessed, and now I am too hapy to even talk to Bom unnie. She is waiting outside the bathroom when I’m using my testpack. But I didn’t tell her the result. I was just saying it’s not important just like she said. Then I grabbed my bag and my car key.

                I told Bom unnie that I will look for my present for Jiyong oppa alone.

                The fact is I have found the special present. This positive testpack I wish would be a good  present for him. Suddenly I remember Yulia’s words about someone has found the truth and another happiness. Could it be Jiyong oppa has finally found his happiness on me? He always cry whenever he told me about Kiko. That girl who cheating on him, that girl who trapped him with her curse, has Jiyong oppa over her and finally find his happiness on me? I hope so. Because now I know what I really want and love is him. I am madly in love with him.

                GOD. WHY IS IT JUST NOW? After a very long time.

                I reach Jiyong’s oppa apartment. I park my car in the basement and then in a hurry run into the elevator and go upstairs to Jiyong oppa’s room. I hope for some luck today, dear God.

                No need for me to rang the bell. Jiyong oppa gave me his card code pass as well as the pin to open the door. The same thing I did to him. We are so opened to each other and I like that fact about us. I come into his apartment to see there’s another woman’s shoes here. Could it be Dami unnie?

                I continue walking but this house seems so quiet. I walk into the dinning room but I suddenly stop. From my spot, I can see Jiyong oppa with a girl.... Kiko. She is here? They can’t see me but I can see them clearly and hear their conversation.

                “You shock me with your attitude, Miss Kiko...” that’s Jiyong oppa’s voice.

                “I remember you told me you like a surprsing attitude of mine..”

                “I do..”

                “I love you. Is that enough...?”

                “I want you to marry me. Will you marry me, miss Kiko?”

                NO! I can’t breath. I need to find an exit door now. I can’t be here any longer. I need to..go.. GOSH. Quickly but still manage not to make any sound I go out from there. He propose her? Jiyong oppa will marry her. Oh my dear unborn baby, what should Eomma do now?

                My heart was broken... into pieces. I need a while. I have to stay away from him, from everyone, from everything.

***