A Greater Love

Author : GiangDam

Genre : Sad | Tradgedy | Romance | Drama | Slice Of Life

Status : On-going

Title (5/10)
This title is mediocre. I'm assuming that it'll tie in with the plot eventually- as you are only four chapters in thus far- but it's commonplace. It's not very eye catching, and won't draw the reader in; we see this title everywhere on this site. The reader has expectations of a cliche romance story, just from the title, and more often than not, first impressions are what we go off when deciding whether to read a story or not. If I were you, I'd try to be a little more unique with your title- think about the plot you have in mind, and make sure you choose something relevant to it. 

Description&Foreword (5/10)
Grammar!!! There are quite a few mistakes in this. Maybe you should consider a beta reader? They'd fix up all your grammar and spelling errors, which would appeal to more people- those who who don't read stories with grammar errors would continue reading onwards.
Aside from this, some parts in this doesn't make sense. 
Most people don't understand love the first time it finds them (in the romantic sense), so saying that she doesn't 'understand' love yet it finds her doesn't have much of an impact. It sounds kind of messy. The sentence itself is kind of cliche- but if you genuinely wanted to keep it, I'd change the 'understand' to 'want'. But then again, if you did this, would it be applicable to her character? I personally think that starting off in that way is overused, much like posing a bunch of rhetorical questions to the reader in the foreword (there's a pet peeve of mine, right there). Omitting that first sentence would work, if you decided not to modify it.
I don't get how love is an old foe, especially if you previously stated that she didn't understand it. Furthermore, if she didn't understand it, why would she have the preconceived notion of it being a 'lie'? On top of this, the way you have written this hints towards her relationship with Jongin being romantic- which is misleading, as he is her brother and I am 99.9% sure you aren't writing . I think you should try and simplify this, as all these snippets of information are turning out to be contradictory when you put them together. It would make more sense if you write that love found her despite it being unwanted, as from reading your story it's understandable as to why she'd avoid love, seeing her father's unfaithfulness and flightiness when it comes to the matter. Maybe shorten it a little, and think more on the words you're using and their meanings, and you'll be fine. Remember, don't go into too much detail. We like short descriptions that are interesting but still flit around the plot, not giving away too much.
One small mistake I feel like I have to point out though, is this sentence
Then, his name was Oh Se Hun. 
By saying 'then,' you are suggesting that he was called Oh Sehun previously and has since changed his name. It'd make sense if you wrote, 'Then, I met Oh Sehun,' or 'Then, I met a boy called Oh Sehun.' Otherwise 'then' isn't used correctly. You couldn't say just 'His name was Oh Sehun,' as it's too random- he hasn't been mentioned before, you haven't even said there was anybody but Jongin and Eun Hye, so you technically have nobody to be naming for us. This was the one mistake that really glared at me from the page, so thought I'd get you to fix that one up.

Grammar&Language (11/20)
Okay, so with your grammar, you should know how to use quotation marks. There is a fair amount of dialogue in your story, so this knowledge is necessary. 
"Oppa” I tutted, trying my best to sound like a teacher “You’re doing it wrong, I’ve told you before, it’s like this…”
"Oppa,” I tutted, trying my best to sound like a teacher, “You’re doing it wrong, I’ve told you before, it’s like this…”
You cannot leave a quotation mark beside a letter without anything separating them. If you don't want to full stop, then put a comma. Same goes for when you're writing how the dialogue was said, or an action undertaken in between words.
"Ah, that’s the secret,” Jongin oppa winked at me, “I haven’t broken a single heart yet."
Basic stuff. Remember it, and fix all those up as they really do put a reader off. Otherwise, your punctuation is pretty good. But watch your tenses
She is a total stranger, I had never seen her before. 
Perfect example. Up until this point you were in past tense, and then you jumped to present. This happens a few times throughout, and since you've majority stayed in past it becomes really noticeable. Just fix that up, and all grammar should be good.
Your sentence structure is too simple. It's kind of immature- I've seen many instances in which you could string together two short sentences to make a longer, more complex one. However, you also do the polar opposite and ramble. Remember sometimes, if your sentence is getting long and confusing, break it up. I know what I just said is a bit nonsensical, but there just to be something off. You're either being too short in sentences, or way too long and rambling. There is a thing called syntax, which is a writing device in which you vary your sentence lengths to add effect, excitement or impact, but what you are doing isn't this. This would only work if the sentences were more sophisticated in terms of vocabulary etc. but at this point in time your wording is matching your structure in its juvenility. Try a thesaurus, but- and I say this a lot- choose your words carefully! Make sure they fit in the context and flow. Perhaps reading the sentence aloud would help? If I were you  I'd try to sprinkle more interesting vocab throughout your story, and look at your sentence structure/length. Check that it isn't childish.
On top of this, vary the way you start your sentence. 'I,' 'He,' 'Her,' 'She,' 'Jongin oppa,' 'My,' 'His'; these all make appearances way too much for my liking. It gets repetitive, and will bore the reader from the first chapter. Rather than using personal and possessive pronouns, spice it up. Branch out a bit. It'll sound much nicer.
I feel like you got the word 'Immutable' from a thesaurus- and even if you didn't, I wouldn't advise Sehun or your OC using it in the fourth chapter. That word is too complex for what we've seen of those characters thus far, through Eun Hye's thoughts and the short conversation with Sehun. Coupled with the fact that they are both teenagers, it's completely out of place. If you're gojng to use sophisticated/complex language, then make sure you are consistent. Don't just drop it on us suddenly like that.

Character (7/20)
Hm. Hmm. Despite the entire story being written in first person, I could not really get a feel for your main character. I couldn't really understand anybody's personality, to be honest, and perhaps that is because they (your characters) didn't really have any. They are kind of bland; you are conforming completely to stereotypes that we see in every other fanfic. We have the sweet, naive yet scarred, long-suffering and sometimes sassy original character; Kai the playboy who just happens to have a soft side; Sehun the 'ice prince' who will probably thaw the more he's exposed to the OCs warm personality; the dickhead father/parental; and the evil stepmother. The main has lost at least one of her parents, and yet she's still nice to people. The only variation here is that Kai is the elder brother rather than the love interest. Other than that, we see your characters everywhere, and you are yet to add anything extra to these stereotypes (because sometimes reading cliche fics can be nice, when well done). Give your characters some quirks, make their personalities different; or, continue to portray them in these stereotypes, but write them so well that we don't actually mind. At this point, all you've done is told us about them, told us about their deep characters rather than actually going in and creating that depth. Show don't tell is another technique, but I prefer to think of it as a basic. Show us she's sad, don't just tell us. We, as readers, want to be able to envision it, put ourselves in her shoes and read this fanfiction on the edge of out seat because we are, in a way, experiencing these things with your characters. When your readers are affected when your character suffers, or happy when they are, you've succeeded. We want to read about humans, that we can somehow relate to, even if it's through the smallest things. Use your vocab to show us dialogue, actions and events to give your characters humanity, and make us invested in their story. Use your words to manipulate your reader.

Originality&Storyline (10/20)
As far as originality goes... Well, there isn't much. But you did say you thought it may be cliche in your request, and I actually didn't mind a cliche story so long as it's well done. So what you need to be able to do is execute this storyline through the variety and life within your characters. Characterisation is key here, so then we will want to keep reading, to find out how Eun Hye's story ends. Also, the way you write it must be gripping; and here is where you need to improve. The way you are writing this now is like a diary entry. Literally, I felt like I was reading a fourteen year old girl's recounts, with a lot of information on how she felt about everything that happened, and a lot of internal debate. A lot. I don't want to be told by her how her day went, and want you to show me. First person can be successful, don't worry, you just have to show and not tell. I think this is a concept you should acquaint yourself with quite well, as it will, in the long run, improve your writing immensely. Get us out of Eun Hye's diary, and instead put us in her shoes. We want to experience these things with her, not be told through type at the end of the day, once all is said and done.
For entertainment purposes, I hope there is a twist at the end, or something to set this apart from the others. I recently read a fic that was not amazingly written, and cliche right up until about three quarters if the way through. Despite the quality, that plot twist had me squirming. You want to have that effect on people; going out with a bang, with a bit of impact, will draw more in for the long haul and even get some rereads.

**actually, I have something else I'd like to address- in the first chapter, you mention Jongin flirting with Eun Hye. I would advise you take that out- you mention him trying to 'seduce' her? It makes the reader think that there is ahead, and that will put people off. You tagged 'siblinglove' and that isn't uous, so the sentence is misleading. If it was intentional, and you were trying to foreshadow something to come (which I hope not, the platonic relationship with Kai thing was slightly refreshing) then tag it and warn people :) just so you know, that was the impression I got.

Overall (39/80) 
Not bad, but not amazing either. Your grammar and punctuation is good; now you need to make your ideas and concepts more mature. Sentences, characters, plot... These all need to be worked on a bit. At this point it's sounding childish, and your characters are boring. You will find that people are going to stop reading if they aren't interested, so manipulate the words; write the story and characters in a way that will have people wanting to continue. Give us insight, give us humanity, give us reality/relatability. 
I hope my harsh review won't discourage you- feel free to add (I'm on private user) and then PM me if you have any questions or problems regarding the review or writing. I'm happy to help!
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-Min