I'm On My Way

Author : AloisDA

Genre : Angst | Depression | Self-harm | Drama

Status : Completed

Title (7/10)
Nothing really wrong here- no incorrect capitalisations and it made sense. Points for the title ultimately tying in with the story and the way it ended; however it's a bit boring. You see this title everywhere- not exactly those words but along the same lines- and it's not eye catching enough to make people want to read it. If you wanted to review the title, I'd suggest choosing something that still had that connection to the plot but was maybe a bit deeper or symbolic, without being cliche. 

Description & Foreword (6/10)

small grammatical error, firstly:

She finally makes the decision that changes hers and his life forever.

She finally makes a decision that will change both her own and his lives forever.

Okay, so I guess you gave a brief outline of what was to come, and didn't give away much, which is good and something to be aimed for. But again, nothing is really persuading the reader to actually read on at this point. Again, it's just so similar to every other 'angsty' fanfiction I read on here- from your foreword, I feel like what is to come is something I've literally read all about before. The plot, the characters... You've set the reader up for disappointment and a bland read, and in that situation I, personally, wouldn't bother advancing. I would redo the entire foreword- maybe try to inject something poetic or metaphorical? If this were a long, chaptered affair I'd tell you to steer clear of too much symbolism but since it's a oneshot I'd try to be more poetic. Maybe flit around the plot rather than telling us straight up. Give us, as readers, some mystery, so that we'll want to continue- convince us your story is different, and worth the read.
And, in regards to the font and colours; I've said it before in other reviews, but I personally think that colours are a bit childish in stories. It's totally up to you, as some prefer fonts and colours, but I would try to keep it simple and stay with black and white, and minimalist fonts (arial perhaps?) as I think it looks far more sophisticated. Also, keep your text size consistent- for me, it's a bit of a put off to see the varying sizes and it again looks immature. That's a personal thing, so I haven't deducted points, just letting you know where I stand (and I'm sure others would agree).
Also if you've put the trigger warning on then there is no need to give us another warning in your author's note. We ticked the box; we know what we're in for.

Grammar & Language (10/20)
There aren't any mistakes with your grammar, but some of your sentences are a bit short, especially in situations in which you could weave two together. One of these also had some issues with comma use, so I fixed that up (it's the only instance though, and majority if people find commas and quotations confusing.)
“Hey ugly.”, “Fat”, “Pig”, “Dog”; the hurtful names they called her. And fed her lies she believed. 
"Ugly," "Fat," "Pig," and "Dog"; these were the hurtful names they called her and the lies they fed her that she found herself eventually believing.
I've reworded that sentence, and I'm still dubious as to whether or not it makes sense. I feel like maybe some background would be needed there- or maybe you could even omit 'lies that they fed her' and left it with 'hurtful names'. The last one seems unnecessary and over crowds, considering the point you're trying to convey.
She had cried for hours. The messages echoed in her mind. 
She had cried for hours, the messages echoing in her mind.
See how you could've easily joined those two together? There are many situations like these throughout that need to be revised, so I'd suggest going through them and rewording.
“You’re not good enough for him.”, “You’ll never be good enough.”, “and No one likes you.” 
I'd personally just break it up.
“You’re not good enough for him.”
"You’ll never be good enough.”
“No one likes you.” 
On that note, make the insults a little more mature or cutting. These are what are spurring your main into ending her own life, so I'd be expecting something a little more hurtful than the words thrown about an elementary school playground. Really, these are the types of things that toddlers yell at one another. I have no experience in cyber bullying, so I wouldn't be able to tell if in reality these insults would hurt that much if received repeatedly and in total sincerity, but since it's a fanfiction you have to move you reader. Make them feel sympathy for her, make them think, "Wow, how horrible would that be?" Because what you've got now isn't really doing it for me.
Onto your language; you really should improve on it. There are so many adjectives out there, so, so many- varying your language and using sophisticated words will doubtlessly boost the entire reading experience. It's an easy thing to do, and is so worthwhile. I'd suggest a thesaurus- but make sure the synonym you choose fits. I cannot stress this enough. There is an instance in your story where it looks like you've taken to a thesaurus, but the word doesn't sound right. You say that, "everything went to discord," at one point, which makes no sense. Everything went to hell- yes, that works, but not 'discord'. Also, the metaphors and similes that you use are childish- or rather the way you word them is childish. 
Her hair was blacks as a raven’s feathers, and her face was swollen red. 
She had hair/Her hair was as black as the feathers of a raven, and her face was swollen and red.
I haven't changed anything (I'd opt for 'raven black' rather than the metaphor you've used, but up to you), just reworded things, and it sounds a lot more mature. Again, a lot more improvements could be made, I've just suggested the basics, you could really build on your vocab. Here is my recommendation: Go through and try your best to amend and elaborate- you want to use your vocab to manipulate the reader, remember- and then get a beta reader to make sure everything makes sense.

Character (5/20)
Huge letdown here for me. This was a story in which you only had to create one character. Just one- Tao was only mentioned, not introduced to us really. Therefore, this one character that you were tasked with creating, with bringing to life for us, had to be really well done. And it wasn't.
You set out to create a tragedy, but because of your lack of characterisation it turned out dull. We don't know this character; have you ever heard of 'show don't tell'? It means show the reader what's happening, don't narrate out what is happening, what your characters are feeling. Don't tell us she's sad, show us through her body language, or her dialogue, or her thought process, or even a flashback that is obviously negative, or how she goes about doing things. There are a million ways in which you could've done this, it's basics. I was virtually unaffected from start to finish while reading this, simply because your character wasn't human to me. I couldn't visualise her and the pain she was going through, and I couldn't relate on a human-to-human level.
Most of this story was in her head, how she was feeling and the sequences of emotion that lead to her reaching of a mental point of no return, and yet it was robotic. The way you've written it was like a scientific retellings; human emotions are volatile and colourful, as are humans themselves, and I didn't see this. We are creatures, not machines. She is human, yet she was presented as a robot. I will elaborate in this further in the next section.

Originality & Storyline (5/20)
I would like to say something here, and it might sound hurtful but I think I need to get it out. 
Suicide is a very serious thing. A person being driven to such an extreme as taking their own life is serious, and it happens, and that is tragic. And as an author, I think you've taken the seriousness of this too lightly. Generally, I'd advise authors to steer away from suicide simply because it is such a tragic thing and in order for it to be respectful the author needs to be able to nail it. They need to delve into the inner workings of the human mind, explain why such a terrible thing has happened, make us feel and, to a point, understand. You've centred a story around the suicide of a girl being cyber bullied, and I feel as though your addressing of the issue is disrespectful. I can't even fathom the depths of depression one would be feeling and the absolute suffering of one who is suicidal, and I don't think you can either. From the way you've presented it I didn't feel like you took the topic seriously enough. It's dark, and in order to be pulled off it needs to be eloquent and understanding. Suicide is not ever to be taken lightly, and reading this I think you've forgotten that it's a thing that can destroy so many lives.
Then it hit her. 
Suicide.... 
This made me angry. The way you've broached the subject is messy, the way you described her eating disorders and depression is messy. You've given us no insight into why she's doing these things and I personally don't think that you were ready to write themes this dark yet, as an author. That was a bit of a rant here, and I'm sorry if it was hurtful, but it is the way I react to many fictions depicting themes of suicide. I've never come across one that I've liked before- the only place where the suicide theme has been well-written is in books. It is raw, but maintains respect by going into why and how the character felt. What you've done is narrate very basic feelings of depression, then had your character commit crimes against her body (bulimic acts, self harm, suicide). You need to think before you write, because people who commit these acts in reality are a lot more tortured mentally than your OC.
Now that I've gotten that over with; there are still major issues with the plot. It's boring, is the biggest one. This. Is. Everywhere. Anger aside, your plot lacked originality and thus had me bored. There was no twist to differentiate yours from the rest. However, Tao's messages at the end evoked emotion from me- that was a good element, considering the story, and it made me feel this mixture of pity and sadness that could've evoked tears were it more... wrenching. Emotionally.

Overall (33/80)
Okay so this was very harsh. But I really feel as though you aren't ready to be writing this. These themes are dark, and from what I'm seeing are beyond your understanding. In order to write these things you've got to be prepared to illustrate the desolation and desperation of your character, and that's a hard thing to do. If I were you, I would try to make this lighter. I'm never going to tell people not to write what they want to; but being honest I thought that the way you addressed this was insensitive. I'd much prefer if maybe you wrote a piece telling us of how your character feels, her aloneness, her feelings of depression but omitted the severe eating disorders and the suicide. If you're intent in including these themes then do your research, read some books and rewrite it with the emotional depth that such topics need.
Also, in case it's misunderstood, I don't think suicide and mental illnesses/eating disorders are things to be respected, however I think you should tackle them respectfully. There is a difference. It's much the same as including themes of racism and discrimination- it should be respectfully done, as there are people suffering because of these things in the world. It's not ok to just write about someone committing suicide like it's no big deal; pay those suffering at the hand of suicide, depression, mental illness and eating disorders the respect they deserve at take this seriously.  
I'm sorry if this review has hurt you, but I'm being brutally honest. These aren't to be taken lightly, so I'd recommend you a) redo your plot, make it lighter and omit the tragic themes  b) do research, then rewrite with the sensitivity called for or c) just consider writing something different. I don't want to discourage you from writing, quite the opposite, because you do have potential. Just stick to themes that you can understand and relate to, and create characters that we will understand and relate to, and you'll be fine.
If you insist on persisting with this story, I'd definitely suggest a beta reader for your grammar and language. Maybe they could even help you broach the subject better? I don't really know. Just don't give up writing- I know what an escape it is, and encourage you to keep it up. This topic is one you have to be careful with though, so I'd rethink it.

Thanks for requesting at KMS Review Shop, and for me! I know I was harsh, and I'm sorry for any hurt feelings, I don't set out to hurt anyone. I know how harsh this is, but I think it needed to be said. I wish you luck in future writing endeavours though! Leave a comment to pick up, and maybe tell me how I did? I'm a new reviewer here :) Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions, or would like to talk about writing (Promise I'm friendly! My reviewing is just mean) because I'm happy to help! 

-Min