Paper Wings

Author : Xoxoexo

Genre : Romcom | Romance | Angst

STatus : Completed

Title (10/10)

I can't find any faults in this title. It doesn't give away too much, isn't rambling or too long, and is relative to the story and plot line. It's concise, but still symbolic. Well chosen.

Description & Foreword (8/10)

Your foreword was nicely done, and on first read makes the reader feel as though they are in for a well written, most probably symbolic story. However, remember that for fanfiction a description and foreword are like a blurb in a book. This is where you persuade people to read your story, just like a blurb persuades people to buy/read a book. I felt as though you were trying a bit too hard to be symbolic and poetic in your description, and forgot to give us insight into what we will be reading about. Also, after reading the story, I feel as though you should rethink the sentence
'jongin saw the last of himself in a white and blank piece of paper,'
This doesn't really make much sense. I don't think Jongin saw the last of himself in the paper, I think he thought that him, his life and existence added up to as much as the blank piece of paper. Like, it's symbolic of his own feelings of worthlessness and being lost, not knowing what to do with himself. Forgive me if I'm wrong with that- but even so, I think that sentence especially should be rephrased simply as I feel it's misleading and nonsensical. The quotes chosen were nice and tied in with both the story and the title- I personally don't like colour used for text in stories, it's a thing that puts me off. To me colours seem immature, lowering my expectations for a story and sometimes even putting me off reading it entirely. I didn't deduct points for it, but it think no colour and just using black font white background makes it more elegant and simplistic. That is entirely up to you though.

Grammar & Language (12/20)

Your grammar seems to be quite good, I just have a few small issues. In the first chapter, I think that you should still use "" around the words. I know it's all dialogue, but as it is speaking it would be proper for you to put quotation marks around every new speaker. I notice that you've joined quite a lot of competitions, and I don't know if they'd count this considering that it's all dialogue but I think it'd be best if you stuck to basic rules for English. Also, watch your tenses. It was only once, I think-
Before work, he’ll go to the hospital and search for Jongin, and he’s usually in the gardens, or just in his room. They’ll then leave the grounds and go somewhere fun. The café, restaurants down the block, or even the museum. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what his sickness is, still, but he’s fine with the secrecy, and if he’s allowed to go out, then it’s not that severe to be worried of.
Before work, he’d go to the hospital and search for Jongin, and he was usually in the gardens, or just in his room. They’d then leave the grounds and go somewhere fun. The café, restaurants down the block, or even the museum. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what his sickness was, still, but he was fine with the secrecy, and if he was allowed to go out, then it wasn't severe enough to worry about.
Make sure you are using the right tense. I know it can get confusing, but don't jump from past to present. I also rephrased the end, as while reading it didn't make sense.
Now onto your language. It's all spelt right- but feel like you are using words that don't fit. It sounds like you've been using a thesaurus, and have found synonyms that mean the same thing as the words you would've originally used, but when put in context don't fit. For example, your use of 'preposterous' in the first paragraph. It's all grammatically correct, but taking into consideration the mood of what you've written before it it just doesn't feel right. Also, don't try to fit too many adjectives in. Overuse of adjectives can sound childish; when you say in the first paragraph that Kyungsoo 'prayed that it wouldn't hurt a single bit' you are probably overcrowding. You could omit the 'a single bit' there and it would still make sense, and would probably sounds more sophisticated than before. I'd suggest reading over your story and seeing if you can pick out any places where you sound immature, or have perhaps used a word out of context, and try to fix it. Perhaps even consider a beta reader for that.

Character (12.5/20)

Your characters were cute and easy to like, and the relationships were much the same. However, I feel like some aspects were a bit underdeveloped and unrealistic. For example, I think you could've developed Jongin a bit more. If a kid is deemed 'chair-ridden' as you put it, at the young age I'm assuming him to be, then you'd expect him to be a bit more cut up about it. If you'd utilised your dialogue and language better, then perhaps more depth to Jongin and his scars would be conveyed, which would in a roundabout way explain to us exactly why in a piece of blank paper he saw himself (a scene which I think was important in your story). And Kyungsoo I found to be a little bland. He wasn't complex, and a little too kiddish for a twenty one year old. Some of what we saw from Kyungsoo is stuff reminiscent of a child's behaviour. It's all very well to create innocent characters, but sometimes it can be overdone and they simply come out as lacklustre. You have to make your characters humans, remember, as by making your characters relatable the readers will engage in the story, and become emotionally invested in what happens to the characters. You had an opportunity to create really complex, real characters here- it was a simple storyline, a lot of room for characterisation. You should try and inject some realism and depth to your characters by maybe going into Jongin's feelings a little more, or making Kyungsoo more mature and adult. You can do these through dialogue and even how the characters react to things, or go about tasks. Little characteristics can have a story, or can shed light on a character and ultimately draw your readers further into your plot and how the story turns out.

Originality & Storyline (13/20)

To be honest, the storyline wasn't all too original- but the small backstory you made up could've salvaged this. However, while the concept was sweet, I found it didn't really make sense. What what the meaning behind the whole 'paper wings' backstory? Is it, 'dare to dream/fly?' Is it along the lines of 'you can achieve great things?' I don't understand the greater meaning Kyungsoo is trying to convey to Jongin, and thus I don't get why the story spurred Jongin into leaving. I think you could've handled the ending so much better than you did, and I'm very confused about the significance of the final part, when the small boy is talking to 'Hyung'. I'm unclear on who that was. However, Kyungsoo and Jongin's meeting was cute, if somewhat cliche. Kyungsoo's place of employment was cliche too, but considering his character it suited. Cliche can work if it's done well; if you touch up a few things, it'd definitely make for an enjoyable read. With a bit more characterisation, this could become a really nice read. You would need to characterise though, as as it stands your plot isn't super original and needs really good characters and meaningful dialogue in order for it to be pulled off. If you're going to keep the plot as is, the advice I'd give you would be: Deepen your characters and clean up that ending. It's quite messy, and I was somewhat disappointed with it. I wasn't really affected, and I should've been considering that Jongin left Kyungsoo right after they got together, but rather I was a little annoyed as it all felt really unresolved- a little more resolution would've been nice. Another thing that really irks me in general is when the characters fall in love way too quickly. I feel like the relationship between Jongin and Kyungsoo escalated way too fast- or rather, you didn't give us many interactions between the two, and so we couldn't see their relationship blossom. They may well have been in love, but just telling us that they saw each other a lot and got along well is hardly a sufficient replacement for building an actual relationship. Go into depth, perhaps narrate to us a few interactions and the quirks that elevates these from being interactions between two individuals to interactions between a couple, or two people in love. You can't merely tell us that they're in love, you have to show us. Part of what makes this ending so frustrating is the lack of love I, as a reader, can see; because I can't understand Kyungsoo's pain. I haven't seen his love, haven't seen it build, and hence can't really find any sympathy.

Overall (55.5/80)

I know that I might've come off as critical here, but I promise I'm not mean. There are good points to your story; comedic element is quite nicely done, I was sniggering despite myself at points, and at times Kyungsoo's character and his antics, his weirdness, had me wanting to keep reading. Also. I can never pass up some idiot-yeol. That scene with him ranting on to Kyungsoo about the stupidest things was so endearing, I loved it. Anyway, my point is that I'm here to help you remedy any bad aspects of your story, and that may be why my review makes it sound as though I'm entirely critical. I would suggest that firstly you get a beta reader, to help out with the tense jumping, out of context/slightly strange feeling words and adjective heavy parts. Then, after possibly getting advice from them, try to look at how you can deepen your characters, make them more real and bring Kyungsoo and Jongin's love to life. Please don't feel too discouraged by my review, because I am very, very harsh and do tend to nitpick at the tiniest things. I really just want to help you out - I want this story to achieve its full potential. And it does have potential to be a cute, funny little piece with an underlying and poignant meaning, you just have to tweak it. Please take my advice, and don't hesitate to PM me if you'd like a recommendation for a shop that offers beta reading. I can't wait to reread if you do take my advice and make some changes, and am sure I will be smiling the entire way through (apart from that ending, it'll feel quite bittersweet I imagine). I hope you do well in your contests! I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes in that, as I just kind of typed without looking and yeah typos happen. Also, sorry if I ramble, I just like to be thorough.
Please credit the shop in your foreword :) And please do leave a comment for me, I'm a new reviewer and yours is the first I've done (officially, for the shop). I'm sorry if I've come off mean, but it's all constructive criticism... I'm really harsh with my reviewing. 

-Min