My mind was racing, never settling too long on one strand of thought. Thoughts of Taejoon, and more recently, thoughts of Kris were foremost. I almost laughed from the insanity of it all—in one day, I had been told by two men that they loved me. One whom I knew from before, who had been my first love, understood me better than I could ask for, who suddenly appeared before me stating he wanted me by his side.

And the other was a man who took Sehun and I in, who I fought with constantly, and only just recently was able to deem my friend.

Why either one wanted me was beyond me. I was so broken, my edges cut people. Taejoon didn’t know that about me, not yet. But Kris did. He was patronizing me—it was the only thing I could think of.

“Hyorim!” I jumped out of my thoughts and into reality, turning around to find that Kris had followed me. A strange mix of relief and anxiety mixed inside me.

“Stop!” And he did, but his stance told me he wasn’t going anywhere. For a while we just stood there, not saying a word. I don’t think either one of us knew what to say, if there was anything to say, or what to do. And then I blurted the first thing that came to my mind. “How? How could you love me?”

“I don’t understand.” Kris said.

“How could you love me?” I said, my voice raised just a bit. “How? I’m dirty. I’m ruined. How could you possibly love something like me?”

Kris looked at me sharply. “You are not a thing, Hyorim. You are not dirty or ruined. Do you really not see it? Do you not see how beautiful you are?”

Something inside me stiffened. “You don’t love me. You just want my body.”

Kris seemed shocked. “What!? No! No, Hyorim. For one moment, could you please just stop being so suspicious of me? I’m not like those monsters. You know me. Hyorim, you know me.” He took one step forward. “How can I love you? How can I not?” He kept taking small steps forward as he spoke and I let him approach me. Something inside me was swelling up and soon, it was going to burst. “You’re the most beautiful creature I know. Do you know how strong you are?”

“I’m not strong,” I said quietly, trying to fight back tears. I wasn’t. I really, really wasn’t. I just pretended I was, masking my weakness with anger and bravado.

“Yes, you are.” He insisted, only a few feet from me now. “You’re strong and clever and filial.”

He was so close now and I was losing my battle. Tears slipped out of my eyes. “But I can’t love you.” I choked out.

Kris reached out and wiped away my tears, a pained smile on his face. “Not right now, no. But you let Suho, Sumi, and Sehun in.” He leaned down so his face was more on my level.  “I’ll teach you. I’ll show you you’re still capable of love.”

“How?” I whispered.

He gave me a small smile. “I’ll erase everything they ever did to you. I’ll make you forget everything bad.” He paused. “Hyorim . . . can I hug you?”

A moment passed by, but at this point, I needed comfort, something stable when my world was spinning and turning upside down. I nodded and Kris enveloped me in a gentle hug.

“I’m scared,” I admitted, barely audible.

“Me too. But we’ll figure it out.” He tucked his head on top of mine as I cried.

I just laid there on my bed, thinking about everything. I had passed out in Kris’s arms and he had carried me home and in bed. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Kris said he would teach me how to love again, but that made me wonder—if I could learn to love Kris, could I also learn to love Taejoon again? Which one should I choose? I groaned and rolled over in bed. This was surreal. It was like a love triangle from those shows I used to watch before. But was it a love triangle? I thought about Taejoon, how we had met and what he had said. Had that really been yesterday? And then I thought about everything that had happened between Kris and I. Strange, how my lost love had caused little reaction from his confession, and how Kris, a man I had known for maybe a month, had caused such a violent one.

I shouldn’t be thinking about all this. I needed to focus on getting stronger and on how to get rid of this threat Kris and I were handling. I turned my head and saw that there was a note on the nightstand. I picked it up, the handwriting barely legible.

Meet me in the gym as soon as you wake up. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Kris

He wanted to meet? Just like that? Mechanically I got out of bed, but my nerves started kicking in as I put on a tank and sweats. How was I supposed to act around him now, with everything that had happened?

Nervously, I approached the gym and there he was, sitting at a bench, waiting for me. When he saw me he gave me a faint smile. I walked in stiffly. He got up and stretched, popping some joints. “Alright. You know the drill.”

As we started, I didn’t know how to act around him and my nerves made me make mistakes. But Kris only scolded me and told me to focus, acting no different than every other time. And I was so confused. Maybe . . . had yesterday been a nightmare? No, couldn’t be. At the end, I was still acting awkward as we went to sit and take gulps of water. I watched him carefully, but as soon as he glanced my way, I looked away.

“You don’t have to be so nervous.”

I snapped to attention. “H-huh?”

Kris smiled at me. “Just because you know how I feel, doesn’t mean you have to change how you act around me.”

I grimaced, too flustered and embarrassed to look at him. Crap. He’d noticed. Of course, how could he not? I felt so humiliated.

“Hey,” He said gently. One of his hands gently grabbed my chin so I had to look at him. “It’s okay. I’m not going to push you into anything. If you’re that uncomfortable around me now, I’m not going to force you to be with me.”

I stared at him and without thinking, I said, “But we’re not friends anymore.”

His eyebrows furrowed and he let his hand drop away from my chin. He looked a bit hurt. “What? Why do you say that?”

I was just as confused. “If you love me,” shifted uncomfortably with the phrase, “Then we can’t be friends anymore.”

He looked curious now. “Why not?”

“Isn’t that how it works?” His face lit up with understanding. I was relieved because I wasn’t entirely sure if I knew what I was saying. The next thing I knew, he was laughing. Hard. “W-what?” I demanded.

“We’re still friends.” He chuckle. “We’ll always be friends. Loving your friend doesn’t change anything.” He smiled. “Actually, loving a friend makes the relationship that much better.”

I flushed and got up. “I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Hyorim.”

I turned to look at Kris and I was stunned by his expression. It was gentle, affectionate, and . . . and something I couldn’t name. “I love you.”

I stared at him, something weird bubbling up inside me, before I took off for the showers.

“You look different today.”

Startled, I looked up from the fridge to see Ai Li walking in. “I do?” I questioned, taking a quick look at myself. I didn’t think so.

“Yeah. I don’t know why though.” She sat down at the counter. It was weird. Ai Li would sometimes find me and then hang out around me. Just . . . talking. I think she thought we were friends. Maybe we were. I was a horrible judge when it came to relationships. Apparently. Not really finding anything, grabbed the orange juice and closed the fridge. I sat down across from Ai Li and drank straight from the carton. She wrinkled her nose.

“Sometimes, you act just like a guy.”

I shrugged and screwed the cap back on. But her comment made me evaluate and compare me and Ai Li. Ai Li was . . . cute. Beautiful. With long, black hair, a cute, small face, and curves that belied her petite body, she was probably every guy’s dream. And then there was me. Short hair, flat body, and a scar that marred an entire side of my face. Like a guy, indeed. I wasn’t ashamed of my body—it was strong and suited my needs just fine—but it made me wonder what Kris saw. How could he fall in love with me when there were girls like Ai Li running around? It made no sense.

“Are . . . you okay?” Ai Li questioned.

“Hm? Yeah.” I put the carton away.

“What were you thinking about?” Why did everyone always ask me that? “Because you’re hard to read.”

I stared at her. “Did you just read my mind?” I demanded, a bit offended.

“You . . . said that out loud.”

“Oh.” I sat back down across from her. I didn’t think much of it as I said, “I was just thinking about what Kris sees in me.”

Ai Li was suddenly very curious. “What do you mean?”

“Kris said he thought I was beautiful, but—”

Ai Li squealed and I leaned back a little from the sound. “He did?”

“Yes . . .?”

“That’s fantastic. But why did he suddenly say that?”

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I really was no good at this. “He was trying to convince me that he loves me.”

There was silence, then, “WHAT!?” Again, I leaned back, way back, from her shriek, flinching. “This is . . . this is—I was waiting for this! Oh my gosh, I’m so happy for you!” She said jovially, practically bouncing in her seat. And then she stilled. “Wait. Trying to convince you? What does that mean?”

I shrugged. “It’s . . . complicated.”

Ai Li huffed. “It’s only as complicated as you want it to be. Now—”

“What is with all the screaming this early in the morning?” Chen said, walking in and yawning.

Ai Li turned and opened . I panicked and lunged forward, covering . I was close enough to fiercely whisper in her ear, “No one can know!”

For some reason, telling Ai Li was okay, but having the pack members know . . . God, no. I released Ai Li who simply smiled at Chen. “It’s nothing. I thought I saw a cockroach, but Hyorim got it for me.”

Chen raised an eyebrow and looked quizzically from Ai Li to me. I shrugged. “Right . . .” And then he did a 180 degree turn as he pouted. “Come back to bed. It’s too early and I’m cold.” He whined.

“That’s what blankets are for, stupid. Now shoo.” Ai Li turned back to me and before she could say anything else, Chen promptly picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder. “Hey! Put me down! Chen!”

And they were gone, but I could still hear Ai Li yelling at Chen. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone woke up. I was a bit relieved she was gone though. If she had questions, I had no idea how I’d answer them. Hell, I had no answers.

“Oh my God, it’s too early for this!” Someone yelled.

“Shut the hell up!”

A smile tugged at my lips as people opened their doors and yelled at the couple to shut up. And I wondered . . . would I ever have that?

------------------------------------

Please read my blog post: Blog