It has been a month since Kevin notice his lover’s spacing out moments. It really bothers him. He even takes their day off just to help Eli relax to whatever he is thinking. But when he hold Eli’s hand there’s no reaction. He even make an effort to ask, maybe Eli will open up. But nothing, Eli just lied to him. He knows Eli is lying, he knows it too well but he didn’t say anything. There is something wrong with his lover. No he should correct his self; there is something wrong with their relationship.

He notice it not long ago since Eli is not Eli anymore. The days when he was trying to make Eli smile the older man just faked it for him. He hates to think the right words his self-consciousness is saying. Eli still loved him. Eli still loved me, right? He still loved me. The way he used to. He looks at his boyfriend beside him and repeated the words to his self.

They’re sitting at the waiting area in the studio. The show just got off the commercials so they took a break. The whole members are playing and talking to each other. Kevin and Eli are just sitting at the corner facing Keep and Jessop. They just plain watching as the others fool around. Eli is silent, so as Kevin. The younger boy is watching his boyfriend in sad worry. He didn’t speak but Eli notice him and smiled. Kevin smile too but deep inside his so freaking worried about their feelings.

Eli didn’t say anything but he wrapped his arms around the younger man’s shoulders and embrace him. Kevin moved closer and secretly listens to the other’s heartbeat. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. It was normal. How come? When they embrace or kiss Kevin’s heart still race miles away but for Eli, nothing. There is no more left for him. He doesn’t want to think about it so he shook it mentally and locked it somewhere.

Eli’s hands left his side when the food arrived for them. Kevin heaved a sighed and starts to open his food pack. It was not Eli who noticed his dilemma; it was the cat, Jessop. He looks at the younger singer in what’s-the-problem look and Kevin just shook his head no. Now Jessop looks worried.

Kevin can’t think of reasons for the feeling to be lost. He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions but the words ring out his head. Maybe Eli is cheating in him. No, Eli wouldn’t do that to him. So many thoughts running around his head. He can’t eat while thinking so much. He placed the cover of his food back and stood up to walk out. At last Eli noticed him.

“Where are you going, Kevin?” he asked looking at his boyfriend.

“I’m just going to walk around. I can’t eat, I’m to full.” He said. Now he is lying, but he didn’t let Eli to speak anymore he just walked out of the room.

He can’t think of any reasons for Eli to cheat. He love Eli enough, he gave him everything. Wasn’t it enough for Eli. Kevin walked further down the hall, away from the others. He turned right and found himself alone. He holds the wall and tried to calm his self to cry. He doesn’t want to ruin the newly applied make up to him.

He didn’t want to cry but the thought of Eli and his love fading made it hard. It was a week ago when he came to some conclusions but today and yesterday is the worst. Maybe Eli doesn’t love him anymore, like he loved the man. Now he can’t fight the tears that are threatening to fall. He slid down the floor and let fall. He let everything to slide out, at least of it. He didn’t care for the make up any more. He just wants to be lighter again.

~*~

It was about time for them to return at the set but Kevin is nowhere to be seen. Keep voiced it out and his leader immediately told him to find the missing singer. He walked down the hall, to the restroom. Maybe Kevin was there, no. He looked further and found the younger man walking towards the set. Good, he’s okay.

“Hey, Vinnie!”  He called out. The other man look at him, smiling.

Keep ran to him and when he approached the younger man he saw his red tinted eyes. His makeup was harshly applied to new. He tried to ask Kevin about it but the other dragged him back to the set before he can even ask.

The others didn’t notice anything except AJ and Keep. They didn’t know the problem but they know Kevin had. Kevin never said anything about it to anyone. He just kept it away from everyone, even from Eli. He smile towards the camera as the director inform them that they are back. His smile was his mask from everything, even from everyone. He thought maybe if he wore if often, they will not judge him. Eli was the only person who can penetrate through his mask and now the only man he loved would be gone.

He pushes the thought aside and still act for the stupid cameras. Maybe later he wouldn’t feel anything and would be back to Eli. Or maybe later Eli can love him again like he used to. He felt pity in his self.