Does someone know how to redeem your love back?

 

 Well Eli didn’t know that. He can’t think of anything that can give way in bring your lover back. Especially when he was the one who felt the way he shouldn’t feel. But he was not the first to give up, it was Kevin.

 

It was Kevin who said that they should split up. But the stupidest thing he did in their relationship is to actually agree and now he would blame Kevin. Think Eli, think, he scolded his self. He should’ve moved on for a week by now, but he was actually surprised when he felt the urge to say sorry to Kevin and say that he was a big jerk for letting him go. But at the end he didn’t say anything to make everything clear and in order again. Not after what he saw last week.

 

After he saw the beautiful smile Kevin show when he was really happy.

 

 If Eli’s memory serves him right then it would be a month since the last time he saw that same smile in Kevin’s face. That same smile Kevin make whenever he holds him. The smile he fell for a long time ago. He remembered the time when he asked the younger boy why is his smile is brighter than the lights in the room. The younger boy look at him, smiled and said, “I smile because you make me.”

 

That was the time he realizes that he is really in love with the sweet angelic boy. And not long he discovered the others feeling for him. He remembers it as the happiest night of his existence.

 

And now there is a deep, hallow, black whole inside of him. He didn’t feel it at first but as he saw Kevin’s sorrowful feature after they came back and as the days that follows, an unfamiliar pain starts to grow and as it stay it grows unbearable. He tried to cover the pain by making himself busy but it made no improvement. But pain grew more excruciating when he saw Kevin smile the sweetest.

 

But he is not the reason anymore.

 

He wanted to find out why does his love for the boy faded. That is how he finds his self in the mall. It was Sunday and they had their day off. He doesn’t have anything to do inside of his house so he decided to go out and try to collect his thoughts. But the problem is, he didn’t know what to do about his life on its current position. The night after he saw Kibum with Kevin his mind won’t let him sleep. It keeps bothering him. All question pops up in his mind.

 

What is he doing there?

 

Are they dating?

 

Are they already together?

 

Now he wanted to escape from his own mind. He wanted answer. Why don’t you ask Kevin? His mind told him. He quickly shook it away because he has no guts to talk to Kevin about it. He has no right to do it.

 

He entered a café and quickly ordered a coffee and a chocolate cake. His order came quickly and he chose a table at the far back of the room. He likes sitting at the back of the room even in meeting in the company. He wanted no attention focused on him so he sits at the back of the room and shut him mouth up.

 

He stares blankly at the coffee in front of him and starts to think some ways to approach Kevin. He starts to get irritated and discourage as he drink the hot liquid on his mug. He wanted some answers or just a little help from someone, something, just to help his problem. He annoyingly scratches his head and buries it on the table. He desperately need some help. Help!

 

 A young couple sat at the next table near him after a while. They were both wearing an ID, maybe some college students. They were talking about some things he can’t quite figure what. Eli decided to pay them no attention but he can’t help to eavesdrop as their conversation turns out to his interest.

 

“Remember Eun Gi? You know she split up with her boyfriend last week.” The girl said.

 

“What reasons?” the boy asked, not really is paying much attention to the gossip.

 

“Well, she said that her boyfriend is getting cold every day and she thinks that he has fallen out of love to her.”

 

“What did she said?”

 

“She confronted the boy and asked about her observation and found out that he really has fallen out of love.”

 

“And?”

 

“Well she let him free and said that they should split up. Take note she said that words to him. ”

 

“She didn’t even fight for it or ask why?”

 

“Eun Gi loves him so much that she once said that if he wants to separate she would give it because she loves him too much.”

 

“Well that’s a stupid reason!”

 

“No you can’t say that. Eun Gi set him free because she wanted him to be happy, even if it’s not with her.”

 

“What’s the guy’s reason? Is it because of a third party?

 

“She didn’t say. No reason.”

 

Wait, is this coincidence or what? Are they mocking me? He said to himself as he straightens up to hear more. He observes them and continues listening but it really hit him like his was the boy who falls out of love. Wait, he is, he is the boy who fall out of love. If he says that the boy is stupid and senseless he would be saying it to himself too. But he can’t blame Kevin if the boy thought the same thing about him. He would be saying it to himself too.

 

Wait, what if Kevin didn’t really want to break up, he just wants to let me go because he wants me to be happy?

That can’t be. This isn’t making me happy. If his ‘happy’ means hurting me for seeing him in pain then this doesn’t make sense at all.

 

Everything starts to come to him. Every word swims in his head as he contemplates. He’s not so sure about what to say to Kevin about it. But he knows one thing is for sure, he can retrieve Kevin back.

 

He stood up and walk out of the café in a quick manner. He needs a help in one of the members. But who could it be. He suddenly stopped and fished his phone out of his jacket pocket. He opens his phonebook, scrolled through numbers and press Jaeseop’s number. He hoped the Cat isn’t doing anything with Kiseop.

 

“Yo! Eli, what’s up?” Jaeseop greeted as Eli successfully connected his call to the other.

 

“Are you with Kiseop? I need to talk to you about something” Eli replied almost in a command voice.

 

“Well, his with Kevin right now, they’re in the mall. What is it?” Jaeseop emphasized the other two’s location. But Eli ignored it.

 

“Can I talk to you now?”

 

“Yeah, I’m at Kiseop’s apartment right now. You can come here.” Jaeseop answered. This conversation starts to worry him.

 

“Okay, thanks. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” Eli said before he hung up the phone and starts to walk to the exit.

 

~*~

Jaeseop was surprised to see Eli in less than 15 minute. They were currently at the living room in front of the television and Jaeseop was waiting for Eli to speak. At first, the sudden call made him worry but as he saw Eli earlier in front of the door he quiet knew what was the thing Eli needs to talk about. If his senses are right, it could be about Kevin.

 

Eli drew a long breath as he felt Jaeseop’s eyes scan him. He is deliberating as to say the problem to Jaeseop or not. He let his stored breath out and starts to speak.

 

“Jaeseop, I know you already know why I came here. Well, I would be surprised if you don’t know, so please help me.” Eli said pleadingly in one breath.

 

“Know about what?” Jaeseop tries to tease the other but he received a glare from Eli shutting him up.

 

“Please!” Eli repeated.

 

“Okay. It is about you and Kevin. It is about the break up, right? What can I help about it?” Jaeseop said

 

Eli knew AJ know his problem already that was why he choose the Cat I the first place.

 

“Well, I just thought of something…. I-I want him back….” Eli admitted in am almost a hushed voice and trailed himself off.

 

Jaeseop know what Eli is trying to say but he decided to stay silent and let the other finish.

 

“I know I’m the one to be blame but… but I don’t know the reason too… I don’t know why I fall out of love. I don’t know why I didn’t felt anything back then. Can it be my fault?” He asked looking at the other with sad eyes. Jaeseop still didn’t answer.

 

“I don’t know what to do now. I can’t say I don’t love him because I still do… but I have no right to say that… not after I said that I fell out of love on him. But after what I saw last time… That smile, Kevin’s smile that I never saw for almost two weeks. It came back but that time it was not me who brought the smile but Kibum-hyung.”

 

Eli didn’t know if the conversation they currently having is help or not, because right at the moment he wants to cry. He hung his head low and waited for Jaeseop to speak but the others voice didn’t ring out.

 

“So what are you going to do now? I think Kevin is really hurt that time.” Jaeseop said making Eli groan

 

“He was the one who suggested that we should split up for the better…” He was cut off by an irritated Jaeseop.

 

“But what did you felt after he said that to you? Did you just say yes? Did you say yes because you don’t feel anything by that time?” AJ asked in an annoyed voice.

 

He didn’t understand his self but he suddenly went irritated by the fact the Eli just let Kevin go. Even if the other boy is the one who suggested that they should split up—wait, he understands it now. If Eli is not looking like a broke bird then maybe he beat the tar out of the pigeon in thinking like that.

 

He withdrew a breath to calm his self.

 

“You know what? I can say you fall out of love but it’s not really the case. Because you’re accustomed to his love and presence you don’t feel the excitement like you felt before. Are you getting it?” Jaeseop explain while Eli was dumbfounded.

 

Eli realized that Jaeseop was right, that was the case he can’t say before. He still loved Kevin but he broke up with him because he falls out of love. The question now is how he fell out of love.

 

“And now you wanted to say sorry to him and make it right, right?”

 

“Yes”

 

“That would be the hard part.”

 

He knew that too. Maybe forgiving can be easy but the trust part is the hardest thing to achieve. Or maybe in the forgiving part he will surely fail. He knew he hurt Kevin to the point that the glow in his eyes disappears but Eli wants to make everything alright. Just for the last time.

 

“Then what should I do now?”

 

“It’s going to be your move, not mine so you better think about it hard—“

 

Jaeseop was cut off by his phone. Kiseop was calling. He looks at Eli and the other signaled him to answer it. He stood up and went to the kitchen to answer it. Leaving a depressed man in the couch.

 

“Hello, what’s up?”

 

“What are you doing now? Are you still in my apartment?”

 

“Yup. Seoppie, don’t tell Kevin, but I’m with Eli right now. He’s trying to find his way back to his right mind.”

 

“Really!! I hope his plan would work before we came back in Japan for another show again.”

 

“Are you with Kevin right now?”

 

“No, he’s in the comfort room. No worries I won’t tell.”

 

“Okay”

 

“Hey gotta go now. Kevin is walking back here. Tell Eli to plan it right or else. Bye Sippie!”

 

“Okay, I’ll tell. Bye!”

 

Then they hung up.

 

After the call Jaeseop immediately came back to where was Eli. The other boy is still sitting but his head was hung low. He sighed as he watches his friend worries. Eli straightens up and looks back at the other boy who was staring at him.

 

“So what now? What are your plans?” Jaeseop asked concerningly.

 

“I think I’m just going to talk to him and….. I don’t know” Eli answered unsure of his plans.

 

“Well I better be going now. It’s late.”

 

He stood up and walk to the front door. He then suddenly stop and look back at his friend who look back at him.

 

“Thanks for the time. Don’t worry I’ll find my ways around it again.” He said giving the other a sad smile.

 

“Yeah you should be or you’ll be sorry on Kiseop.” Jaeseop teased as he tried to light the sad soul of Eli.

 

“See you on Tuesday!” Eli answered with a smile and then went out shutting the door behind him.

 

He slowly made his way towards the elevator and to the cold late night. He walked slowly and with each step his feet makes feels like a ton of weight weighs him down. He wanted to run around and scream that his an idiot for making Kevin cry, even if he didn’t saw it. He wanted to kill himself for doing all of the things that that shouldn’t be done. He continued his self-loathing until he finally reached his apartment.

 

He’s so stupid for not seeing these things earlier. He all he wanted to do is to say sorry and be punished for what he done. He entered the key numbers at the security pad and immediately went inside. He plopped down his couch and closed his eyes. Wishing he wouldn’t have done that.