It was an alien and intimate feeling; to be kissed. She felt Baekhyun's smooth hand against the crook of her neck, his eyelashes grazed her cheeks. A part of her craved the contact, the closeness she didn't realize she had wanted. But it was there every day. It was there in the way she felt his fingers grazing hers, in the way his eyes flitted over her at random moments, in the way he smiled when she said something that wasn't the slightest the bit funny. Miyoung wanted love. And yet what was happening? Miyoung's eyes flew open.

Stranger. A cold hard word hit the front of her brain like a hammer. Who was she kissing, what was she doing, where was she? Miyoung was suddenly so unsure of everything around her.

Thoughtlessly, she shoved the boy away. 

Baekhyun's eyes opened, an expression of confusion forced its way onto his face. There was something in his eyes, something Miyoung could see very clearly. Something like mistrust, like fear, like disappointment. 

And it pained Miyoung in the worst way. 

"B-bae-baekhyun!" Miyoung scooted away after pushing him off, kicking up dirt. Staring at the ground to avoid his eyes, she pressed her lips into a firm line. Baekhyun reached for her, but she shied from his touch. Farther, farther, until she was practically pressed against the white stone of her parent's grave. Her heart beat wildly in her chest beneath the warm winter sun.

Why? Baekhyun wanted to say. Though he was hurt, he was forced by an unwilling throat to withhold the words. Instead, he bit his lip, and furrowed his brows. The words Miyoung said, the feeling of her hands roughly shoving him, he let them sink in. Then he let his expression settle with one quick, dry laugh. So this was it, huh? So she didn't love him like he thought she did. So it was all for naught. He was sorry too, sorry he misunderstood. Sorry he inconvienced her. If he could speak, he would have taken a bow and formally given a sarcastic apology. 

Baekhyun's laugh triggered a sadness in Miyoung as well; she had hurt him. It was unintentional, a mere accident, but she had rejected him. 

"I'm sorry," she tried to explain, "I didn't meant to--I-...I got scared. I don't know if I can do this, I don't even know if I know you!" with her eyes were now brimmed with tears, she looked up, "If only you would tell me something I--" she shook her head, that wouldn't get her anywhere, "You have to understand! It wasn't anything personal!--"

Baekhyun's expression said it all. No, I don't. If it wasn't, what was it?

The words in Miyoung's throat crippled and fell back to where they came from. She couldn't resurface them with him looking at her like that. Baekhyun stood slowly and silently gathered the trash from the lunch. Carefully he adjusted the scarf on the tombstone so it sat prettily, and he picked a few loose petals off the ground. His face was stony, the light in his eyes had been blown out. The liveliness was gone. Even the wind blew harder and stronger and colder. She ruined it.

"Baekhyun, until I can remember you, I can't," she tried to explain, a desperateness in her voice she had never heard before. She stood up and grabbed his arm, "I didn't mean it like that," she said strongly. He shook her off and turned his back to her, slinging his bag over his shoulder. Forgiveness wasn't an option. Not yet. Not now. He began the trek down the hill.

"Baekhyun!" Miyoung wailed at his back, still at the crest of the cliff, "I'm sorry!"
 

The ride home was quiet as the afterlife. The radio played classical music to fill the open air, but it did nothing to fill either of their hearts. Hot air seeped from the vents but it did nothing to calm the goosebumps on Miyoung's arms, or the ice in Baekhyun's eyes.

Miyoung leaned her head against the window with an inaudible tap. Now that they were headed back to Seoul, the scenery outside had begun to change. The soft rolling hills and beaches of Busan had given way to the thick greenery of the inland, which was now a skeletal grey. The trees were rows of cadavers, frozen and deteriorating. The snow at their roots was the pillow of heaven, and the red shrubs that peeked out of the glistening white were the silent signs of a hell below. What a dreary, eerie scene. Miyoung remembered on their way to Busan earlier than day she had marveled at the way the trees sparkled like diamonds, all covered with an elegant layer of frost. The red shrubs against white snow were photo material, something to keep with her and admire. Now it all seemed cold and dead.

Cold and dead.

Extremely cold and dead.

The music played on.

Baekbeom opened the door with a cheerful grin, "So how was Bu-"

Baekhyun his way past his brother and disappeared into the kitchen to put away the supplies.

"-san?" Baekbeom finished, looking over his shoulder at the younger boy.

"It was fine," Miyoung offered a weak polite smile, and stepped inside without waiting for Baekbeom to move. She immediately made for the stairs.

"Did everything go okay?" Baekbeom called after Miyoung.

She shrugged, suddenly finding a use for he expression she hated.

Once she was safely in her room, and the door was shut behind her, Miyoung sank.She pulled her knees to her chin and held her dress tightly in balled fists. She was relieved to be away, just for a little while, but also dreading the moment when she'd have to see him again. There were only so much room in this house.

After an hour a rough bump in the back shook Miyoung awake. Having realized she'd fallen asleep next to the door she quickly scrambled up to make room for whatever wanted in. With a loud scratch of wood Baekbeom opened the door, "Miyoung!"

"Baekbeom Oppa," Miyoung looked at him. He looked worried sick. The older boy was very protective of younger people, and that included Miyoung. He slipped inside and shut the door behind him, then came to Miyoung and pushed her back with a hand on her shoulder until she was sitting on the bed.

"Okay," he put his hands on his hips, "What happened?"

"Ask your brother," Miyoung snapped, angry at herself for not being able to be mature.

"I tried that," Baekbeom explained, "but he puts up a much stronger fight."

Miyoung didn't answer, just turned her eyes to the floor.

"Now," Baekbeom sat beside her on the bed so that their shoulders touched. His smell was like Baekhyun's the same shampoo and mint. If she closed her eyes she could almost pretend it was the younger brother. But she couldn't. "Tell me what happened."

"It was dumb," Miyoung shuffled her feet on the floor.

"That's fine."

"It wasn't worth it," Miyoung shook her head, "all of it was stupid."

Baekbeom raised an eyebrow, "Are you going to tell me or not?"

"We got in a fight."

"I kind of figured that part already."

"We were at my parents grave and he..he..We sort of kind of.."

"Sort of kind of...?"

"Kissed," Miyoung clenched down on the word like if she took it away enough he wouldn't hear it.

"You did WHAT?" Baekbeom's eyes were wide, then he slapped his knee and smiled brightly, "My little bro finally got a girlfriend! Took him turning mute to figure it out, that piece of--"

"I rejected him."

Baekbeom swiveled his head at her with confusion, "Wait...Why?"

Miyoung bit her lip, "I don't really know. It didn't feel right."

"But you like him, don't you?"

"Yes!" Miyoung shouted, then curled back on herself, "No..I don't know."

"Gee," He rubbed the back of his neck, "that's cold, Miyoung-ah. He really likes you, you know. And it looked to me like it was recipricated. You shouldn't just lead people on like that."

"He kissed me! It's not like I meant for it to happen!"

Baekbeom stood up and folded his arms, "I told you, didn't I?" Don't be too harsh, he's still a kid."

He tsk-ed at her and gently shook his head, then looked over his shoulder, "You know what? You are too."

Miyoung opened to defend herself, but he was out of the door before she could utter another word.

"I'm not a kid," Miyoung grumbled as she bounced around to fit into tight jeans. She had decided she needed time to get away from the many issues surrounding the Byun household, and was preparing to visit Kai again.

"I'm a full grown woman!" she shouted at the mirror in her room. Slowly, she was getting used to her appearance. She could almost imagine herself with closed eyes now. A pimple that had appeared on her cheek protruded from the girlish face in the mirror, "well, almost," she muttered.

The door creaked as she opened it, carefully she peeked just the top of her head outside the door and examined the hallway. It was early in the morning, and as expected, no one was up yet. Miyoung sighed with relief and casually stepped outside.

"Safe!" she whispered with a smile on her face.

Once outside the door, Miyoung realized her position. THe Byun house wasn't in the countryside, she could see the city looming in the distance, but it was far enough that the nearest bus stop was a mile away, and unless she had a car, she wasn't getting anywhere for a while.

Miyoung looked around, she would have gone ahead and taken one of Baekhyun's many high class vehicles, but she had no idea how to drive. 

"Well," she sighed, "I guess we're walking."

The air was cool that day, winter was slowly nearing it's end. Snow stil clung to the ground in shadowed areas where the sun couldn't reach it, Miyoung hopped over one such pile.

"Almost there," she muttered, the bus stop sign slowly growing larger. It had been a tiring twenty minutes. Miyoung shivered a bit in the cold, her breath formed a cloud in the chilly air. At last she reached the lonely bus stop. It seemed like a very strange place for a bus stop to be, being there was nothing around there. But she sat and waited patiently, and within ten minutes a bus was rolling into the stop.

Miyoung climbed in and crossed her legs and folded her arms to keep warm. Gentle music was playing on the bus' radio, and it calmed her down. The ride to Seoul was no longer than five minutes from there. She hopped off at the first stop and brought out the notepad Kai had given her.

"His hotel is around here somewhere..." Miyoung turned a full circle, scanning each of the tall buildings, "there it is!"

With hurried movements she trotted down the streets of Seoul, weaving through the crowd that seemed to be entirely against her reaching Kai's hotel. Almost everyone was headed the opposite direction, it was like swimming against a wave. Finally Miyoung stumbled out of the crowd at the end of the street, panting and exhausted from the block-long fight. The hotel was just a cross-walk away. Miyoung closed her eyes to relax while she waited for the walking light to appear.

Just go down Teheranno, and cross the street. 

Miyoung opened her eyes at the same moment the white walking sign appeared on the stop light. Something was familiar. A tall building stood across the street with stairs that led down instead of up. S&M Nightclub, she recognized the letters above the door. Beside the club was a corner coffee shop, with big wide windows and golden letters. She'd definitely been there before, too. 

Miyoung shook the strange thoughts of her head, it was just dejavu. She lived in Seoul before, she'd probably been here many times. 

"I'm looking for Kim Ka--," Miyoung in a breath, "Ah--Kim Jong in."

"He's room 205," the clerk said, his eyes were wide with wonder at the pretty girl in front of him. He had thick eyebrows and a childlike face, "C-can I ask why you're here?" he said shyly.

"I'm an old friend, I'm just visiting."

"Y-your name?" He stuttered again, blushing at the simple mandatory question.

"Jin Miyoung," she smiled.

"R-right, I'm gonna--" He glanced up nervously, having accidentally used informal speech, "I'm going to call his room and tell him you're here."

"Okay."

Miyoung waited patiently while the boy dialed the room 205 number into the desk phone. She focused her eyes on his nametag, and slowly read the letters in her mind. Do Kyungsoo.

"Ah, hello Mr. Kim," Kyungsoo said into the device, "A Mrs. Jin is here to see you, is that alright?"

He nodded once, "Okay, thank you. I'll send her up."

Kyungsoo set the phone down with a wide heart-shaped smile and motioned her to the elevator, "You can go up."

"Thank you," Miyoung smiled brightly and bowed her head.

The boy shyly scratched his head and looked at the floor with a giddy smile, "You're welcome."
 

"You came!" Kai said, giving Miyoung a huge hug the second he opened the door. It was still a bit uncomfortable for Miyoung, because to her this was only the second time she'd met him.

"A-ah, Kai," Miyoung whispered, gently pushing him off.

"Oh! Sorry!" Kai apologized immediately, letting go, "I got excited. C'mon in!"

For a country bumpkin, Kai was staying in a high class room, Miyoung thought. The walls were a warm light beige and the small room contained a bathroom, a kitchen, and a large white bed. Even the view was luxurious.

"How can you afford this?" Miyoung asked him.

"I make more money than ya think!" Kai joked, "our farm is the center of a dairy company!" 

"Geez," Miyoung fiddled with her hair, "I guess everyone I know is rich."

"You're not so bad yourself you know," Kai explained, leaning over the mini-fridge to get a jug of tea.

"Huh?"

"Your parents had a pretty nice business going, and all the inheritence goes to you, so you probably have more money than me."

"They did?"

"Of course!" Kai poured the tea into two cups and handed one to Miyoung, "I dunno what kinda business it was, they never said, but just by your mom's clothing I could tell you were rich!"

"Maybe I ought to go to the bank and see," Miyoung reached into her pocket and fumbled with her wallet. The mysterious credit card hadn't maxed out even when she had bought so much clothes the other day, maybe she was wealthy. 

"So how's life with the body guard?" Kai relaxed on a chair in the center of the room in front of a TV.

"His name is Baekhyun," Miyoung sank into the chair next to his.

"Well how is it?"

"We fought."

"Too bad," Kai didn't seem very regretful, "Guess you'll have to marry me now."

"Kai!"

"Kidding!" he raised his hands in defense, "What'd ya fight about?"

"I just want to remember everything before I get involved too deeply."

Kai furrowed his eyebrows, "Why?"

Miyoung swallowed. Everyone always seemed to be asking that question. Baekbeom, now Kai. Even Baekhyun's eyes always seemed to be asking her, why?

"What do you mean?" Miyoung tried to keep from growling the words.

"Why do you feel like you have to pick up where you left off?" Kai said, turning his face to look out the window, "Why can't you just start over?"

"I don't want to start over," Miyoung argued, "it scares me."

"You don't know how many people would die to be able to change their life. Everyone wants a chance to start over. Things in life only happen once. You're born once, you grow up once, you have one first kiss, you really fall in love once, get married once," he shrugged, "but what if you could experience all of it again? What if you could change yourself?"

Miyoung bit her lip. Change was a scary thing. She didn't have anything to hold her down, she didn't have anything solid. She just wanted her world back.

"Why do you think it is that you and Baekhyun have problems? Is it really that ya don't wanna, or are ya scared?"

Miyoung didn't want to answer that question. If she did, she might get an answer she didn't want. She might have to be brave. 

"I think if what yer feeling really is somethin special, you shouldn't be scared. You only live once. Lucky you, you get to do it twice. So go ahead and live it. You gotta live, Miyoung. Maybe if ya give it a chance, you'll find what you lost."

"I don't want to," Miyoung clutched the tea cup in her hands, "I don't want to start over."

"It's not an option anymore," Kai smiled gently.

Miyoung was left only with cowardly thoughts after leaving Kai's hotel. She wanted to run and hide somewhere no one could find her. Where she could wait and wait until everything slowly found her. She didn't want to go looking. It was easier to let the memories come in sweeps, where her headaches would turn off after a while. She was sure there was something in her past she didn't want to know. There was bound to be more and more pain in her heart that she wasn't aware of. If her parents died, what else had left her? How did she live? They were questions she wasn't sure she wanted the answer too.

"I'm home," Miyoung whispered as she entered the dark house. Once again the two brothers and their mother were no where to be seen.

Then, a voice echoed from the dark.

"Who are you?"

"Hello?" Miyoung stepped forward tentatively.

"I said, who are you?" the voice was deep and threatening, "I think I saw you once before. Why are you here?"

Feeling along the wall beside her, Miyoung's fingers found the light switch.

Click.

Byun Baekhyun's father sat on the couch, waiting for her answer.

There! I updated! I try very hard to make sure all my chapters are at least 3k words for you guys! I know that the whole 'country folk' talk in writing sounds very very stupid. For example "Where are ye goin'? Don't go think ya can just leave me here!" It can get pretty annoying! Even I know that. So even though Kai is from Busan, and has a country accent, I try not to overdo it. I want him to be taken seriously, but I want to keep reminding you of his origins. If even this much country talk is annoying, please tell me and I'll see what I can do!

~ Violet