It was a normal Sunday, with me waking up feeling cold and peeking around me to assure myself that Chaelin wasn’t there, watching me sleep and realizing I was just being tormented by my guilt even in my dreams. But no, it was just the window that the wind had blown open, throwing the rain inside.

After struggling to get my papers off the desk and failing miserably, I just sat back on my bed and sighed in the silent obscurity. “How am I supposed to hand you over now, huh?” I looked at the wet papers in my hands, my essays to hand in for my English and Philosophy classes.

Slowly, I took the laptop from my nightstand and turned it on. I had to put the hand notes in electronic version anyway, so there was no time to waste. And word by word, sometimes struggling to understand the notes scribbled on the wet paper, sometimes improving the comments I myself made with some 5am awareness of the world, I managed to keep my mind off of Chaelin and the whole situation.

“I’m a terrible human,” I spoke out loud, putting aside my glasses for a second. My mind drifted back to Chaelin almost instantly. And it was bugging me terribly! Not the fact that I was making my dead best friend going through eternity without being able to find happiness, nor the fact that I had taken away the access to Heaven or any other place that there is for the dead ones. No. The thing that was bugging me the most was the expression written on Jongin’s face the moment he spotted me inside the his office – disgust? Maybe. But I could have sworn there was more in his eyes than just that… But what exactly? “No,” I shook my head and hopped off the bed and went to take a shower to clear my head, “I will not think of him. I will not think of anything!” I ordered myself as I threw off my clothes and stepped under the warm water of the shower.

And I was almost there, just about to let Jongin slip off my mind when I found myself scribbling his name with my finger on the fogged glass of the shower cabin.

“No,” I murmured again, clenching my hand above the place where my heart throbbed in pain.

But wiping away his name couldn’t wipe away the pain. It was there, persistent, making me kneel and crouch, trying to breathe normally. But it was like something was tearing inside of me, a tiny rupture with the destructive power of a black hole – Jongin’s expression.

Yes, there was more to his expression than just disgust. There was also pain.

×  ♣ ×

“Congrats on getting your cast off!” Chanyeol kissed my cheek when we got out of the clinic, me still leaning on his arm, reluctantly stepping on my now declared healthy leg.

I gave him a pale smile, analyzing my now so thin ankle.

“I’ve got an idea,” I heard him saying few seconds later as he helped get inside his car. “How about you and I go out for a date?”

“Huh?” I turned to him, my hand stopping inside my bag while looking for my phone.

Taken aback by my surprised look, he ruffled his hair, clearly feeling uncomfortable under my stare. “You and I – we haven’t been on so many dates before… the accident,” he found the will to say the words, “so, I thought, taken that your cast is now gone, we could go out and celebrate it. But it’s ok if you don’t want to!” He quickly added, his eyes hopefully looking at me. “I understand,” he nodded to my silent reluctance, “let’s just go back to the dorm.”

“No,” I stopped him from slamming the door shut, “let’s go on a date. Just you and me. Let’s go to Black Elephant Café, huh?”

It’s so much worth living through tragedy if you’re given to see your dear ones smiling in happiness like I saw Chanyeol’s face lighting up like it did then. In front of his happiness, I could no longer be cold and distant and my worries disappeared. Under his eyes that looked at me in total adoration, I could not allow myself to disappoint him. And his lips that kept mine captive were suddenly perfect and so much familiar than all my swarming thoughts.

So I finally got my answer: Park Chanyeol was my path to getting better.

“Let’s go,” he intertwined his fingers with mine and kissed my hand before departing the parking lot.

Black Elephant Café was the second dearest place to me as there I had noticed Chanyeol’s curious look for the first time. And that was the place of the so many “coincidental” meetings that were going to bring him into my life as my boyfriend.

“Go sit while I go order our regular,” Chanyeol kissed my cheek and let go of my hand with a smile, worries still brightly lit in his eyes.

So I made my way to our round table near the window, the only table that looked old in the newly renovated café. Smiling, I ran my fingers over my old scribbling and over the love confes