I still remember that day, the day I killed Go Seon Yul for the fourth time. It was mid-September and a soft rain, cold as thousands of icy blades scratching the skin, was falling continuously from the oily black sky. 

Siwon’s car drove me to the private clinic in total silence, the radio blabbering something on the background of our uncertain and yet to transform future. And while my brother was disapproving my decision, I was holding tight on my brown bag, needing something from the past to stop feeling scared of what I was about to do. It was the right thing nonetheless, but there was still reluctance behind my silence. What if everything was going to turn up to be even more twisted? What if the doctor was incapable of making me remember what I had lost? What if after regaining my memories I was going to change so deeply that I would gladly throw away all of my other memories?

One thing was for sure: I was scared of the possibility of forgetting Park Chanyeol.

“Are you sure about this, Seon Yul?” I didn’t even notice the car stopped in front of the private clinic. “We can still drive away, you know? Just say the word and I’m taking you away!”

“I know,” I mumbled, tripping outside the car and running away from the safety of the vehicle. “I’m here to see doctor Zhang,” I said as soon as I reached the desk of his secretary.

“I’m afraid the doctor can’t see –”

“Let her in,” the door of the office opened, revealing a much shabby doctor that seemed to have expected my arrival all along. “So, what can I do for you?”

I gulped. I kind of forgot his frank self and the way his eyes were burning brightly on his now unshaved face. “I need your help, doctor. I need to remember something that I lost in an accident.”

And under his fiery stare, I put in words everything I had found out, everything I held in, everything I feared and everything I was hoping for. There were no more secrets kept from Zhang Yixing when I finished my story, two hours later. Only his very awake eyes were telling me that he had heard me clearly while his body seemed to belong to a complete stranger. A stranger that had stained the once white shirt with coffee and didn’t really bother changing it, a stranger that had his jeans ripped above the right knee, a stranger that seemed to have immersed himself into work, forgetting all about the outside world. Was it possible that even a man like doctor Zhang was easy to be crushed?

“I need to remember all that I’ve lost,” I spoke, wanting to break the silence that was screaming n my ears. “Can you help me?”

“Why? Why do you need to remember?”

“Because I want to know which path I should take next,” I held his stare. “Because I’m tired of having the wind howling through the holes in my heart, because I want to fully understand what those two took for me. I’m much aware that the importance of those memories is so much greater than just some mere words scribbled on pieces of paper, but I want to take responsibility for the past me.”

“Do you love this Kim Jongin that you mentioned?”

The same question all over again. “No. I don’t think so. I don’t know,” I finally admitted. “I need to know everything in order to be able to give you a straight answer.” I gulped and analyzed my hands. “What should I do? I think I’m still in love with Chanyeol. Isn’t that ironic?”

“Love is one funny and bumpy road, that’s for sure,” the doctor’s eyes softened. “Do you still see Chaelin?”

“Yes.”

“And how does she feel about you trying to remember?”

My jaw hardened. “I told her the truth: that I will do anything in order for her to cross over. I don’t want to be forced into seeing and feeling her anymore! I don’t think I could put up with such a life, doctor! She practically ruined everything for me!”

“And what if this was your fate?”

“Then there really is no God to take pity in me,” I replied sincerely while looking him in the eye. “So? Will you help me out?”

He seemed to ponder for a few seconds. “I don’t guarantee there will be a result even if I do it. You might remain scarred for life. There are some risks that you might take into account before proceeding.”

“Like?”

“Losing the ability to speak, not remembering anything, brain damage or even death,” his words came out cruelly.

“I died already so many times inside, what does it matter if I do it for real this time?”

“Very well, very well then,” he stood up from his place. “I can’t do this here since I’d lose my license and we need a place that was very dear to you before the accident. Do you know such a place?”

I watched him putting on his jacket and smiled bitterly. “Oh, there might be such a place for us, doctor.”

×  ♣ ×

“I still don’t understand why it has to take place here,” Jongin frowned after doctor Zhang explained him the situation.

“Because this is where we made most of our memories together, is it not?” I finally broke my silence, still avoiding his eyes.

“So you can speak!” He chuckled, forgetting all about his reluctance. “I thought cat got your tongue.”

“We can fight later,” I brushed off his mean words. “I need to remember, Jongin,” I then continued, looking him in the eyes for the first time. “I want to remember. What I said last time… I’m sorry, ok? But you were the only one that I could hate because you chose to break the silence first and you took away so many precious memories I have made while being by Chanyeol’s side. Say, aren’t you tired of keeping me inside your pocket of your ripped jeans?”

His eyes widened at the exposure of his secret. “H-How did you…?”

I placed the old, thick notebook on the table in between us. “Chaelin mentioned in her diary that she saw you putting a picture of mine inside your wallet,” I shrugged.

He dug out his leather wallet, with quite gnawed edges and revealed a worn picture. “It was supposed to be my secret. You were sleeping so soundly when I came home, that I had to grab my camera and snap a picture of you,” his smile was bittersweet and he placed the photograph on the cover of the diary. “I took it the day before your disappearance. I think it’s the only thing that proved me that you had been real all along and that something bad happened. Even after I let go, I couldn’t bring myself to throw away this photograph. Seon Yul,” The way he called my name, the way he looked at me with his deep brown eyes looking empty, tired and unhappy... “Are you sure you want to come back? It’s alright if you want to continue living without remembering us. It was hard enough to hear about it… maybe actually remembering could break you…” It was all a silent calling. A calling to open arms.

Standing up from my place, I approached him. His lips were quivering and I knew his hands were itching to touch me. But he was restraining himself. So I made the first step and wrapped my arms around his head and allowed him to lean against my tummy. “I want to know the love everyone envied. I want to remember how it was to be loved by you,” I whispered, kissing his hair.

It was a nice lie, that was sure. I myself wasn’t sure why I was so set on doing it and yet I was able to comfort him with such words. What a piece of nothing I was! Giving false hope when I held nothing anymore…

Jongin was the first to broke the hug. Maybe he felt the weakness of the words or maybe he was doubting them. Whatever it made him break our hug, it led him to one of the closed doors, which was revealed to be a small office with an old couch leaning against the wall. “You can use this room