I was laying on my back in the middle of my mess. Broken shards were scratching my shoulder and neck, but I couldn’t care less. If only I could scratch away the pain I was feeling. But no, ‘cause it was like a disease spreading through my blood, running to, through and right back at the heart with every damned breath I was taking.

“Stop crying, God damn it!” I ordered to myself, wiping away the smudged mascara that was running down my cheeks. “Stop crying, you idiot!” I wept, bitting my fist. “You brought this on yourself!” And as if triggered by a snap of fingers, I re-lived that one moment that made me break all the mirrors and porcelains inside my apartment.

The cold made me hide my hands in the deep pockets of my jacket as I hurried down the alley that went downwards from the building where my last class took place. I was in a hurry to get to Jongin’s place to make dinner for the hardworking student Jongin had become. My own assignments were waiting in a messy pile on my desk, but I couldn’t stop myself from spending countless hours on just looking at him studying the body maps from the medical textbooks. I already knew all the names of the muscles, the bones and all the blood vessels. But his studious expression was always entertaining, as if his heart was all written in his frown.

The thought of his expressions made smile and hurry my steps down the street. The fact that the bus was crowded didn’t even bother me and as soon as it reached Jongin’s neighbourhood, I jumped off in the un-swept snow and kept walking while humming a song I had heard on the radio.

In front of his house I stopped for a second to admire the luminous windows. I was about to run up the few steps and just hurry to Jongin’s arms when laughter flew out the window, drawing my attention and curiosity. And peeking through one of the windows, I noticed a woman sitting on the sofa, with her back to the windows, while Byul and her father were gravitating around her like the Earth around the Sun. My pride didn’t let me step backwards and just run in the opposite direction. Although I knew what was waiting for me, I stepped inside my private Hell with determination to protect my consciousness that I knew otherwise wouldn’t let me sleep for the rest of my life.

“Seon Yul!” Jongin’s cheeks were flaming red and I couldn’t say if embarrassment was the cause of it or some sort of erted satisfaction.

“Who is the lady?” I kept my smile, eyeing the intruder that didn’t even spare me a look.

“Seon Yul, she’s Mira, Byul’s mother,” he politely made the introductions. But he didn’t bother explaining who I was and why I was there. So I just stepped back and let them engulf themselves in that intimate bubble that I had burst.

Looking at my reflection in one of the shards, I tried to keep my tears in. “Remember that you brought this on yourself!”

After checking the address on the paper once again, I took a deep breath in and knocked at the door in front of me.

“Yes?” The door crept open cautiously.

“We talked on the phone?” I smiled bravely.

“Oh, yes, Jongin’s friend! Come on in!”

Inside the light of the apartment, I felt like a coward in front of the woman. She was unchanged. The same thick, black hair was touching her waist and she was irradiating the same type of pure light, despite the dark coloured clothes she was wearing this time. And there she was. Jung Mira, the woman from Jongin’s past.

“May I ask you why you left him?” I took the courage to ask over the cup of tea she had offered.

I noticed a tremble in her hand as she placed her cup on the table, her smile blooming shyly and full of guilt. “I have to admit that leaving him and our daughter was my biggest mistake back then. But I was young and a fool that still dreamt of wealth and success. You see, I wanted to become a famous fashion designer. I had dreams for myself, dreams that didn’t include a mistake like the one I made with Jongin. And after giving birth to our baby, I sulked into depression as he kept talking about taking over his father’s garage to support me and the chi