{ Monday Cont. }

 

[ Lee Jinki’s POV ]

 

I wake up in the chair with a plaid green blanket over me. I don’t know how long I was out. Lost. The word still lingers on my mind like the aftertaste of something bitter.  I don’t even know what it means anymore. It was the first thing that came up in my mind after I heard the words. Was I lost? Or was it because I lost her? I whisper the word aloud, letting the l roll off my tongue and letting the hiss of the s dissolve into the air as the letter t follows behind it, cutting it off similar to how the revelations of his sister’s death cut off my desire for any kind of emotion except apathy if that was even considered an emotion. Cold nostalgia embraces me as I see fragments of images of memories of us together. She was a good sister, an inspiration. I always saw her like that. She had a unique energy flowing from her as she spoke her wise words. Who did she see me as. I ponder the thought for a while before I realize that I will never know the answer to that question. 

 

 

[ Kim Kibum’s POV ]

 

I hear the door open. Onew’s finally back, I think. He’s been gone a while. I look up, ready to greet our leader with fake cheeriness when I see it’s the manager. 

 

[ Kim Jonghyun’s POV ]

 

I see the manager’s mouth moving. I don’t understand what he’s saying. I don’t need to and I know I don’t want to. I know already. Taemin’s face is crumpled up. He looks ready to cry. Key just grabbed my arm quickly. He only does that when something is really bothering him otherwise it would affect his pride. Minho... Minho, the charismatic. His facial expressions are always handsome but currently it consists of pure anguish. It’s not a pretty sight. Our dorm is a mess of grieving  animals after manager leaves, apologizing. It’s a symphony. Taemin’s sniffles harmonize terribly with Key’s sobs and Minho’s frequent sighs and agitated noises. I hold back my tears. I really ache for Onew. I do love him but I don’t usually follow the rule “bro’s before hoes” even when the girl’s not a hoe. But I might make an exception this time for him because I pity him so. 

 

~~

 

I go out for a walk. I can’t stand all this weeping. I prefer to be alone more. Onew... I’m sorry... I thought about it. This loneliness, it’s eating up my insides to the point where I can’t stand it. My preferences change often. People can call me a player, a douche but no one will ever understand the pain. It’s not my ing fault I can’t commit. There must be something wrong with me. I imagine what I would say to Onew. I wish I could tell him how lucky he was. 

At least you have your own little charm, your “condition”. You have cute girls falling for you left and right because of your cute little acts. The only girls who fall for me are . It must be my looks. Too “y” even for my appeal. It sounds vain but... my physical appearance is nothing like my personality. I fall for cute, innocent girls. People tell me I corrupt them. Ruin them. I like to feel like I own them, like they’re part of my property. Don’t get me wrong, I will take care of them, I yearn to feel like I’m doing a good job protecting them. I do it because it makes me feel responsible for them. Not to take advantage of them but of course, people don’t care. They see only with their eyes. The . It’s not even any of their business in the first place. Whatever. The point is I’m selfish, and I admit that so even if it ruins my image even further, I’m going to take Sun Shin for myself. 

 

[ Lee Jinki’s POV ]

 

I saw her today. She was laying on a metal slab being analyzed. They say her death was instantaneous. She suffered no pain. I doubt that the table would be comfortable though, strangers prodding at your eyelids, your neck, your tongue. Mom wants her cremated, I want her buried in the ground. The thought of burning her body scares me. Then she would really be gone. Knowing that her physical self is in the ground might help prevent me from becoming hysterical. I lie on my side, sobbing but no tears coming out. I have more tears left to cry. It makes it so much worse. It hurts. After you cry you feel relieved, like you have less weight to carry. I have to carry that burden now. I’ve used my whole allowance of tears. I’ve cried more today than in my whole life combined. I swear, it’s going to be the weight of this grief that’s going to kill me.

 

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Okeyyy. So I'm moving and I only have wifi in my old apartment so I may be slow to update for a while. Plus... I'm going to Vegas in a week^^ I'll try to upload from my hotel but if I don't you know why now...

Ahhh I'm really mean to Onew aren't I >< I'm making you guys feel terrible for him.. Eh. It's tragedy. Thanks for reading and keep commenting~