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designer101

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My sketchbook is alive

 

 

 

    Title: 5/5

- Your title is very fitting to the topic of the story! To add onto that, it’s also very unique. I can honestly say that I’ve never seen a title quite like it. Your title gives the reader a small clue about what is to come, without telling them everything. Nice job!

    Aesthetic Appeal: 8/10

- In my opinion, your story is very pleasing to the eye. Your poster is very eye-catching and well-made, and your Foreword and Description are both neat and nice-looking. However, your actual story is a bit unique in some aspects, and in this case I’m not really a fan of it. Your story is centered in the middle, which isn’t a huge problem, but generally I prefer when the story is aligned on the right. I think it looks better, and it also makes the story more like a real book. Your character descriptions as a whole are a bit lengthy, and some people aren’t really a fan of that. As for me, I don’t really mind if there is or isn’t one. I like how your story is matching, the colors you use, your poster and your background all fit together perfectly. Some stories will have angsty backgrounds but everything else is really bright and happy, luckily, you didn’t do that.

    Foreword and Description: 6/10

- As I mentioned earlier, your character descriptions are a bit lengthy which is a turnoff for some people, but I personally don’t really mind. Continuing on with the theme of your character descriptions, I feel that they’re a little off when it comes to fluency. The sentences don’t really flow like they should, and so it sounded very awkward and mismatched. Take the whole EXO Character introduction for example, the sentences all seem very random and off-topic. In my opinion, it would sound better like this:

    EXO is composed of the kingkas of the school. All equally talented in practically every area, they shine brighter than all the rest. Divided into two sections, EXO is composed of a Korean group and a Mandarin group. However, the Mandarin group has two Korean members in it. They often fool around and love playing basketball. The members of EXO include: Suho, Baekhyun, D.O., Chanyeol, Sehun and Kai. Followed by: Xiumin, Luhan, Kris, Lay, Chen and finally; Tao.

    Your description is very unique, and I like that. It’s almost like a poem, but in fact, it’s actually important backstory. I’ve never seen someone give background information quite like that, and I congratulate you for that.

    Characterization/Details: 10/20

- Okay, I think that as far as characterization goes, you need a bit of work. I can’t clearly picture the characters in my mind, yes, I know what the members of EXO all look like...But, what about Kyung Mi? I’m aware that she is blonde, but other than that, there hasn’t been much describing her. This is a problem because, as a reader, I want to feel connected to the characters, and I don’t feel that way about your characters. Now, when it comes to details, I think you are WAY better with just plain details than with characterization. That’s my opinion.

     Simple things like talking about how her mother was eating grapes, or other such things, really add to the story and make people more inclined to read it. While I do think you need some work with characterization, your details are pretty dang good.

    Plot: 14/20

- Like the title of your story, the plot is quite unique, but you do manage to bring in some regular topics that are fan favorites. Such as, the mean girls or the best friend. Now, it’s not very often that her best friend is actually one of the kingkas, but I think that’s really interesting and different. However, you would think that Xiumin would introduce Kyung Mi to the rest of EXO, as she is his best friend and all, but I guess not... Continuing on, the whole idea of a magical sketchbook that makes characters come to life when you draw in it, is incredibly unique. It’s an idea that can go really far, however, first impressions matter. And this applies even here on AFF. Most people will decide whether a story is worth reading based on the first chapter, and your first chapter, honestly does nothing to keep the reader reading. The first chapter should be like ‘BAM!’, sadly, yours isn't. I’ll admit the first little blurb about her childhood was attention grabbing, but from there on it was just...mediocre. You have a great idea going here, and since you’ve just started, you have plenty of chances to have it live up to its potential. But, the way you’re going, is just leading you on a straight path to nowhere, no offense X.X

     Flow: 5/10

- I can’t say much about the flow of the story, since it just started, but I don’t think it’s that bad. The sad thing is, I don’t see much connection between Kyung Mi and Kris. ( I’m aware they barely know each other) I understand she likes him, but you do nothing to show the reader that. There is nothing that clues the reader in about that whole fact and there are other issues that pertain to characters as well, and I feel that you should have added more characterization before delving into the main storyline.

    Originality: 10/10

- How much more original can you get!? As I previously mentioned, your story is extremely unique, and you do add in some fan favorites as well. Your story is extremely original, nice job!

     Etc: 3/15

- As you know, I don’t grade on grammar, however, I will deduct points if there are major issues. In my opinion, you have problems with sentence fluency, your sentences just don’t roll off the tongue like they should. Some of them seem very plain or awkward and the wording is often awkward as well. Would I keep reading your story? Possibly, then again, I might not. Your story is excellent in some areas but definitely needs work in others~ LASTLY, remember that most of the things I voiced in this review are my opinions, I’m sorry if you're not pleased with your score, but this is how I feel. Feel free to ignore and disregard everything I mentioned in this review, it is your story after all. ^^

    61/100

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