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pick up
designer's note: 
 

Thelandofbrownsugar

story Link

Femme Fatale

 
 

 

 

Title: 5/5

I LOVE your title. It's so unique and eye catching. It's also witty, which I love. Thank you for having an original title. ^~^

Aesthetic Appeal: 9/10

I feel like there should be a background picture, like a club or nighttime in the city, something like that. But the poster itself is daebak! I love how the pictures are all infused into the black background of the poster, it's very nice. ^~^

Description and Foreword: 8/10

I like that you didn't just give away the entire plot in the description like some authors do with their stories. Also, it's a smart move to put pieces of the oneshot into the foreword because it gives the reader a taste of what's coming, ultimately making them want more. I feel like you could've introduced the characters a bit better in the description before the text from your oneshot, but that's up to you if you want to do that or not.

Characterization/Details: 17/20

In the story, I feel like the characters weren't described as well as they could have been, but rather thrown in randomly. I do like the fact that you saved their names and ages (Sunny and Sooyoung) until the end when they formally introduced themselves to each other, but maybe add a few short descriptions of the main characters earlier on in the club to give a ier aura of the story. (Just add a bit more detail.)

Plot: 15/20

This is a plot that I've seen used quite a bit in oneshots...but the fact that you had them meet afterward, and didn't include a scene made it that much more intriguing to read. I liked how you had them meet the next day as if fate brought them together. ^~^

Flow: 10/10

The story flowed really well, no complaints there. Everything connected smoothly, and I was never questioning how you transitioned from one part to another.

Originality: 9/10

I like how you wrote a yuri fic, because I can NEVER find good yuri oneshots, but I really liked yours. That's an automatic brownie point for you. :P Anyways, I think that you could have made the club scene a bit more original, although it wasn't the typical "they bumped into each other on the dance floor" kind of thing, which I was pleased to see.

Spelling/Grammar: 9/10

Incorrect: "The doorbell rang, and I couldn't have been any faster to open it than I was at the moment."

Correction: "The doorbell rang, and I couldn't have been any faster to open it."

Incorrect: "Long arms and legs, a thin waist and long curly hair dancing as elegantly as her."

Correction: "Long arms and legs, a thin waist and long curly hair dancing as elegantly as a swan." (or something along those lines, whatever you want to put there. ^~^)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

Overall, I loved your story! It was a fun, short read, and a yuri fic as well. It was interesting, you have quite a unique writing style, but it's good, so keep writing and hwaiting!

Total Score:  87/100

~CloudUnknown

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