▲

 

 

pick up
designer's note: I love this story, and i was harsh because I want to make sure you get better!
 

bfinspirit20 

story link

Save his heart

 
 

 

 

Title: 4/5

Honestly, there isn’t much to say about your title. It pertains to the story, which is always a plus. I mean, it’s definitely not the most original title out there, as I have seen titles much like it. But, overall, it’s still a pretty good title.

Aesthetic Appeal: 9/10

I don’t see any problems with aesthetic appeal. I didn’t take off points for this, but I suggest you look into getting a poster. As shallow as it sounds, a lot of people will click off of a story that does not have a poster. In their minds, no poster means a bad story (which is obviously not always true). Sometimes your paragraphs are a little short,you could group them together to make it look nicer, but you don’t have to. I guess short paragraphs might be your ‘style’.

Description and Foreword: 2/10

Okay, lets just say I’m not reviewing your story and I’m just a regular AFF user, looking for a good story. Say I come upon your story, I probably wouldn’t read your story because the quality of your description and foreword is extremely poor. The sentences are strange and choppy, and it’s just plain confusing. For instance, one of the sentences you use in your description is: “Her mission to turn back into a human?” Now, after reading this sentence over a few times, I understood it. But let me just tell you, not everyone is going to re-read that sentence over a few times. In fact, some people might click off of your story right then and there. All you have to do is re-word it, “How is Jade supposed to lift the curse and turn herself back into a human?” See, it’s as easy as that. In addition, you give away WAY too much in your description. The first sentence can be reworded so as to give the reader less information and make them wonder. This is how it is currently: “After being mugged and beaten for robbing a bank in her neighborhood of Seoul, Jade knows that she is going to die.” You could rewrite it like this: “After committing a sin, Jade is brutally punished and faced with death.” This sentence would get readers thinking: What did she do? And questions ultimately get readers to read on!

Characterization/Details: 16/20

There’s room for improvement, but that’s the case for most people. You add an adequate amount of details, but you could add more about your characters actions, feelings, etc. In addition, you could definitely add more details about your characters appearance. Characterization really helps readers to connect with characters and helps to visualize them.

Plot: 19/20

I LOVE your plot. I know that similar things have been done before, but I personally have never read any of those. The whole idea is really cool, it actually (strangely enough) reminds me of The Shaggy Dog. You know, where Tim Allen becomes a dog and in the ends up discovering more about himself and his family then he did as a human and he ultimately learned a lesson. Love that movie, and I love your story. At times, it was slightly confusing because a lot was happening and you were leaving information out, so...You should fix that!

Flow: 7/10

I don’t think you have any problems as far as flow goes. It kind of felt rushed at the end. Changjo started to like the human Jade WAY faster then he should have. Relationships require development, let me just tell you, people RARELY just decide, “Oh, I love this person.” Other than that, you’re all good!

Originality: 7/10

Honestly, I should be giving you a low score for this. Your story isn’t extremely original in certain respects, however, I believe that it is unique and wonderful in it’s own way. The addition of Myungsoo’s character definitely helped you in this category. WIthout Myungsoo, the story would be really unoriginal.

ETC: 5/15

First of all, Jade was a dog. Teen Top SHOULD NOT be introducing themselves formally to her. Every time a human met her, they were like, “Annyeong Haseyo, _____ imnida!” I understand that they think she is human-like, but she is still a dog. It’s WAY more believable for them to be like, “Annyeong, Jade. I’m ____”. If you are basing a story in Korea, then you must know when a character should be formal and when they shouldn’t. In addition, Jade refers to Zelo as ‘Zelo hyung’. Hyung is a turn used by men to address older men. Jade is a girl, not a guy. She should be saying ‘Zelo oppa’. Now, you can use hyung to address him, but you would need to state why she calls him hyung instead of oppa. Also, at the end of your story, you talk about T.K. sunbae. Sunbae means senior. Usually, if one person calls a person sunbae, EVERYONE calls that person sunbae. There isn’t one person who gets to call that person hyung. Taeyeon should refer to T.K. as ‘T.K. oppa’.  Oh, yes, I have no problem with you using Korean within your story, But please, use it right. Ottoke should be Eotteoke, Ne should be Nae and the same goes for De and Dae. Finally, you depict Jade as a small lapdog. And her picture is of a small dog. Now, a dog of that size would not be able to pull 4 people out of the water. I don’t care what the circumstances are. If you want to depict her as a strong and very capable dog, then you should make her a bigger dog. For instance, a Border Collie, Golden Retriever, Shiba Inu, maybe even an Akita. Anyways, I REALLy love your story. Of course, it could use some fixing, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an amazing story. I know you might be upset with your score, but please realize that I really did love your story and I just want you to know what you did wrong so it can become the best!

69/100

~HeartsU-Kiss

~Remember to credit the shop!

~Never unsubscribe!

~Leave a comment once you have seen it/picked it up!