A/N: apparently i don't know how to write epilogues cause this is long as . so i'm splitting that in parts as well (there's no end to this ik i'm sorry orz). prepare yourself for 4 goodbyes~ i can't believe we've arrived here, holy .

Jessica was on her knees in the kitchen, emptying the bottom drawer of the kitchen cabinet when the door slammed. For the past few days she had only left the apartment to go to the store, and she hadn't been in contact with anyone apart from her parents. Her friends had tried to get in contact with her, of course, and so had Sunny. She assumed she shouldn't call her just a friend. Not after everything.

Her first reaction to the door slamming was to scream bloody murder; she had made damn sure to keep the door locked. No one would go so far as to come to her home to check on her, and she knew that. Just as well. But it was better to be sure.

She was ready to get on her feet and defend herself until Yuri appeared in the doorway, still wearing her shoes. Jessica relaxed at the sight of her, but on second thought she wasn't sure why. Yuri of anyone would want to kill her, right?

"Yuri," she said, making no move to get up off her knees.

Yuri looked shattered. Pale, hollow-eyed, exhausted, staring in front of her. Jessica felt another twinge of guilt in her gut, but she took comfort in the fact that it was over now. She had no more hurt to put the other girl through.

"I... I still have the key," the younger said, holding up a black ribbon from which the key in question dangled.

"Oh, good," Jessica said, finally standing up and pushing the drawer back in with a calm thud. "I'm going to need you to give it back to me."

Yuri let her hand fall. "Why?" she asked, and she looked scared. More scared, Jessica thought, than she had ever seen her in her life. Cautious. Bracing herself for the pain. Almost as if on cue, Yuri finally seemed to notice the boxes piled up around the place, some empty, some already filled. Jessica allowed her a moment to take it all in before she spoke.

"I'm leaving."

Yuri didn't even spare her a glance. "Just like that?" she said, and there were tears in her voice already. "Where will you go?"

"To my parents," Jessica replied. She had thought this through enough, so she wasn't ashamed anymore. This was, without a shadow of a doubt, the only right choice.

Yuri leaned against the doorframe. "What about school?" she said, tone challenging.

"I'll go to school there." Yuri didn't nod or show any sign that she had at all heard what Jessica said, and the latter didn't press it. She hadn't planned on telling Yuri she was leaving until she had gone. "I thought you said you wouldn't call me until I had made a decision," she said instead.

"And it seems like you've made one," Yuri said, gesturing around the room. "Without letting me know."

Jessica's hand found the kitchen counter for much needed support. They stared at each other across the brightly lit room. Darkness was starting to fall outside. "Yeah," she mumbled. "Sorry."

"'Sorry'?" Yuri repeated, standing up straight to walk slowly into the room. "You're leaving as if we're already broken up and you have no obligations to tell me anything? We have to talk about this!"

"Yuri..." Jessica tried. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I don't have a choice. I have to leave."

"Bull," Yuri spat. "You're leaving because you're too scared to deal with the fact that you lied to me and the others, aren't you?"

Jessica shook her head, the truth in the other's words awakening anger inside her. Christ, how tired she was of feeling angry. "That's not why I'm leaving. Though, it might be why I didn't tell you about it." She faked an unhappy smile. "I'm leaving because I'm the only one who knows everything... The thoughts I had during this time, what I felt, what I did..." She looked into Yuri's eyes, which mirrored the anger in her own. "I don't deserve to be around you, or Sunny for that matter."

"You don't get to decide that," Yuri said, moving closer through the pyramid of boxes.

"I think this time I do," Jessica replied, wanting to back away. "Otherwise, who's to say?"

"No one," Yuri said, coming to a stop right in front of her. Jessica had time to catch a glimpse of the tears in the corner of her eyes before she looked down.

"I have to sort myself out," she said softly, almost in a whisper. "I'm horrible. You know that."

"So..." Yuri said after a hesitating pause. "Will I be able to reach you when you go?"

Jessica sent her a look that clearly told her everything she needed to know. "Why, so that I can hurt you more?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Of course not," Jessica said. The need to reach out and touch Yuri, the need she had always had so close to her heart, had been replaced by something numb in the back of her brain. Maybe regret. Maybe something worse.

"Then don't." The first tear slipped down Yuri's cheek.

"I never intended to in the first place," Jessica said, trying on that fake smile again. "But I did. So I can't be around you right now."

"Not even as friends?"

Jessica gave her a nervous look. "Not right now."

"But..." Yuri started as Jessica braced herself on her arms and jumped up to sit on the kitchen counter. "You can't just take off like this," she cried. "You can't go from telling me you love me to just being gone. You can't do this." Her hands clawed against the surface on either side of Jessica's thighs. "Don't do this... Don't leave me alone."

"You won't be alone when I go," Jessica tried to reason with Yuri, with her tears, and with her own. "You have your friends."

"I don't," Yuri denied. "They all knew what you had done and chose not to tell me. How are they my friends? I have no one if you go."

"Are you kidding?" Jessica said, tilting the others chin up with her hand, but Yuri instantly pushed her hand away. "You're never less alone than when you've just caught a friend lying to you," she said, trying to smile through the pain. "People are so guilt driven, did you ever notice that? They'll do anything to make you forgive them." Yuri shook her head as she cried.

"Don't go."

Jessica swallowed hard to keep all the things she wanted to say from falling out. "Why should I stay? You already hate me, Yuri."

The younger gave her a glare.

"And you should hate me."

"I don't know," Yuri said, wiping her tears half-heartedly while more continued to fall.

"Then why do you want me to stay?"

"I don't know," Yuri repeated. "I want you to stay. I want you to show up outside my house every day with flowers just to watch me slam the door in your face," she said, her tone rising until she was almost yelling. "I want you to fight for me like you still care about us. I want to figure this out and hope that I can forgive you eventually, even if I can't right now. And most of all, I want you to do all this without me having to tell you to." She covered her face in her hands. "I just want to feel like you care." The last sentence came out in stutters, and Jessica pressed her eyes shut hard, hard enough for colors to explode behind her eyelids.

"I do care," she said, trying her hardest to sound natural. She made a pretty convincing case, if she could say so herself. "Of course I care. That's why I'm doing this."

"Stop bullting me!" Yuri yelled through her hands. She looked up, her eyes more tired than ever before. "That's just something you tell yourself to feel better about what you're doing, but if you really cared and wasn't such a coward, you wouldn't take off like this."

Jessica stared at her knees. She absent-mindedly wondered how long this would go on for, how long she would have to keep up this wall of emotionlessness and... what? Strength? Could it be called that? "I won't try to make you trust me again, but I'm telling the truth," she managed.

"Just stop acting so ing high and mighty," Yuri choked, staring her down. "What's wrong with you? Why are you acting so unlike yourself? If you want to save this relationship, then get on your knees and beg! Hold onto my hand like you'd drown if I let go! Why don't you care?"

"I told you," Jessica bit out, and to her horror she could feel her eyes stinging. "I care. I care about you, I care about me, and I care about Sunny and everyone else."

Yuri snorted. "Don't talk about her."

"See, this is what I mean," Jessica said. "I can't stay and pretend like all this never happened. I have feelings for her, and that wouldn't change if I stayed."

"Don't say that," Yuri groaned. "It hurts. Stop it."

"Which is why I have to leave," Jessica said, biting back her tears. She wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to show her true feelings to the younger and make it all so much harder. It was better this way.

Yuri's hands were suddenly on her lower thighs. "Are you leaving to get better? So that we can be together in the end?" she stuttered out.

Jessica shook her immediately. "No. Don't wait for me."

"How?" Yuri asked, tone pleading and dripping with desperation. "How do I not wait for you?"

Jessica's hands covered Yuri's cold ones. "You... You will find someone," she choked, feeling close up, but she kept going. "Someone who wouldn't do this to you."

"No," Yuri cried, and before Jessica knew it, her forehead was resting on her lap, and she was crying, wailing as loud as her vocal cords would allow, sobbing hysterically. "What can I do to make you stay?" she sobbed, "Tell me, and I'll—"

Jessica buried her fingers in her ex-girlfriend’s hair and pulled her up again. "No," she said firmly. "You shouldn't have to do anything for me, I won't hear of it. I'm leaving, Yuri, and that's final."

She cradled her face in her hands, and Yuri seemed unable to keep her eyes open anymore. "Why did you have to do this?" she said, the words coming out in stutters. "I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together."

"Me too," Jessica breathed, thumb caressing the other's cheek to wipe her tears away. "I'm sorry. You have no idea how much." Yuri opened her eyes, red from crying, and pressed herself in close to Jessica, arms wrapping around her as she leaned her face against her chest, crying into her shirt. "I'd do anything to take it back, you know that," Jessica whispered.

"Don't say pointless things," Yuri replied, voice coming out smothered. Jessica nodded, settling for just holding her close. No matter how true her words were, and no matter how much she wanted to say them, she guessed they made nothing better, except for easing her heavy heart for a moment. And that was not what this was about.

"If there's anything I can do for you before I leave, I'll do it," she said instead. "I'll do anything you—"

"Stay," Yuri said immediately, holding Jessica so tightly it was starting to hurt. "That's all."

"Anything except for that," Jessica said, leaning her cheek against Yuri's hair. "Anything except for that."

Yuri seemed to be struggling for breath. "Just... hold me," she said then, and Jessica did. She held her closer than she thought possible, maybe closer than she ever had during their four years together. She could barely breathe, but it didn't seem important, not right then.

Eventually Yuri pulled back, but she showed no signs of being anywhere near done with crying. She looked into Jessica's eyes, and the latter could barely make herself return the gaze. "Tell me you love me," Yuri said, voice small and soft.

Jessica's breath hitched. She was impressed by the wall she had put up to protect her from emotions; her numbness was coming along well. But beneath all of that, her love for Yuri still sparkled and boiled, like it had never gone away. Jessica assumed it never had. "I love you," she said simply. "I always have."

Yuri embraced her again. "And you always will?" she stuttered, body shaking from all the crying she had done.

Jessica said nothing, but pulled back and pressed a soft kiss to the younger's cheekbone. "In the future, when you like somebody, don't be scared because of what I did to you. Promise me that."

Yuri shook her head. "You have no idea what you're talking about," she said, wiping her tears furiously.

"Most people wouldn't do what I did," Jessica continued. "Just... remember that. That's all I ask."

"I told you not to say pointless things," Yuri said, anger now back in her eyes.

"It's not—" Jessica began, but was cut off by Yuri's warm, firm lips on her own. She felt herself melting, crumbling down under the younger's touch when her hands slid around her waist, and it was bad, it was bad, she realized when it was too late and she could feel Yuri's tears on her cheeks. She still wanted her, loved her so much it ached, and what would life be like when she was back at her parents' place, alone and empty, but more importantly, without the love of her life by her side?

Her heart broke. Until that moment she still hadn't fully understood the hurt she had caused in the other girl, because while Jessica had been unsure and shifted between Yuri and Sunny like a pendulum, she had been well aware of her own pain, but it had been mixed with a sense of fairness and readiness. She had seen this scenario coming all along. For Yuri, it was different; she had been sure that she had placed her heart somewhere protected, and she had been proven wrong.

When they pulled apart, Yuri walked across the room, let her back hit the wall and slid down to the floor. She wasn't sobbing anymore, but her tears were still falling. Jessica bit at the skin on her thumb, feeling her heart pound with her, heavier with every moment that passed. "I have to go for a while," she said, jumping off the counter. Yuri stared at her in disbelief. "I'm going to say goodbye to Sunny," Jessica explained, not looking up to face Yuri's resentment. "I'll be gone for a while, and I beg you, please, to leave and drop your key in the mailbox before I come back. Can you do that?"

"Why?" Yuri asked. "Why can't I stay?"

Jessica didn't respond. The real answer was: "Because otherwise I will never leave," but she didn't want to admit to that.

"When can I see you again?" Yuri asked when she realized she wouldn't get a reply. "Before you leave."

"My parents will be here to pick me up the day after tomorrow," Jessica replied slowly. "I have to pack up the rest of my stuff."

Yuri sniffled. "What does that mean?"

Jessica stared at the floor. "It means this is the last time you'll see me for... a while." She swallowed the lump in .

"You're saying... this is it?" Yuri repeated, staring at her numbly. "We're over now? After everything, we're ending like this?"

Jessica stood there, not knowing where to look. She knew that she would remember this moment for the rest of her life, but the room seemed blurred to her. Surreal. Like none of it was really happening. Maybe she wouldn't remember this room at all, she thought, maybe the hurt would be all she could remember afterwards. If pain as powerful as this ever really went away.

"You're strong," Jessica mumbled, "you don't need advice from someone like me. But... accept your friends' help. Don't isolate yourself. Let them distract you." She threw a glance at the other girl, who just waved her words away with her hand. "Let me know how you're doing," Jessica continued, "but don't call. I won't pick up. Oh, and... Please don't tell the others until after I'm gone. I don't want them to worry."

"But they will," Yuri argued from her spot on the floor. "You just don't want to be here to face their worry."

"Maybe," Jessica agreed. She remained where she was standing for a few moments, the two of them taking in each other's figures, listening to the distant traffic rumble outside. "I'm going now," she said, and Yuri nodded. She seemed to have lost the strength to argue, left with nothing but hollow acceptance that there was nothing she could do.

Maybe there were still things Yuri could have done to stop her from leaving, but she didn't want to think about that. This was, indeed, what was best for them both. And who knew - maybe sometime in a very distant future, they would still have a shot. Maybe, at some point, they could find their way back to each other, even if the distance now was too great. But she didn't want to voice these thoughts out loud, because Yuri was worth so much more.

She walked silently into the hall, put on her shoes and jacket, and stopped in her steps.

This was it.

She moved back to the doorway and looked over to where Yuri was sitting, legs stretched out over the floor and face leaned against the wall, crying silently. She looked up, meeting Jessica's eyes, and Jessica wondered if she should say something. But there was an understanding when their eyes met, this understanding that had been there between from their first kiss onwards: they loved each other. No words needed to be spoken to make it true. And Jessica wondered if maybe, even though she had gone and ruined it all, maybe they were supposed to be together. Perhaps there was such a thing as 'meant to be'. But maybe that didn't mean it couldn't be ruined.

She couldn't bring herself to smile before she turned around and hurried back into the hall, feeling for her keys in her jacket pocket, and continuing out the door once she was sure they were there. She didn't linger outside the door. She needed to get out of there, run from her feelings, run from Yuri's, and...

She should keep going and get it all over with while she was already hurting.

The door swung open quickly after Jessica had knocked on it, to reveal a very nervous-looking Sunny, standing there in the hall light dressed in light blue pajamas. Jessica couldn't help but smile at the sight of her. "Hi," she breathed. "Can I come in?"

Sunny nodded and stepped aside, eyes wide as they scanned Jessica's face. As she closed the door behind her, she said: "Yuri just texted me that you were coming over," she mumbled, sounding almost outside of herself. "She said... I should prepare for the worst?"

Jessica sat down on Sunny's bed and pulled her jacket off her shoulders slightly. She was surprised to hear that Yuri would willingly get in touch with Sunny, but it didn't matter. She just needed to get the words out. "I've... I've just come to say goodbye."

Sunny nodded, following her through the room to sit down next to her. "I figured." Her hands were placed in her lap, and Jessica took them both in hers, holding them tightly. For the first time, she felt free to do so, and she realized, to her relief, that she still loved the feeling. "But why is it goodbye?" Sunny asked, her eyes wide and round and filled with fear. "Can't— can't we at least be friends?"

Jessica frowned. "Sunny... I didn't choose Yuri."

Sunny looked uncomprehending. "Didn't you? But Yuri said—"

"I'm leaving. The day after tomorrow." Sunny's mouth formed into a perfect 'o', but no sound made it past her lips. "I'm going to move back in with my parents and go to school in their city."

Sunny nodded to show that she understood, and there were no tears in her eyes. "I—wow, I really don't— I don't know what to say." She laced her fingers with Jessica's. "I had gotten used to the thought that I was going to lose you, but I didn't think it would be... completely. That you'd disappear."

"It's for the best," Jessica reasoned, relieved that their conversation was so calm and hoping it could stay that way. "I've treated both you and Yuri like you're..." she trailed off, not finding words appropriate to describe her disgust with herself.

"So you broke up with Yuri?" Sunny asked, her eyes gleaming. Jessica wondered how many times she had wished to hear those words in another context.

"I had to. After everything I did, I'm—"

"It's okay," Sunny interrupted. "I mean, I understand. You don't have to explain. It's not like I don't understand that what we did was wrong."

Surprised, Jessica let her hand trail up the other's arm. She hadn't thought Sunny would take the news this well, and for some reason it left her feeling oddly empty. She realized hollowly that that was probably what Yuri felt when Jessica broke up with her without even shedding a tear. "I just want you to know that I'm sorry," she tried, "for everything. I've wanted to say that so many times, but I've been so selfish."

"You don't have to be sorry," Sunny said, and Jessica could see that she was trying to be strong. That there were feelings behind those words that couldn't be controlled. It comforted her. "You're not the only one who was selfish. You even tried to end things with me, but I convinced you not to, even though I knew it was wrong."

And suddenly, Jessica felt like she was close to crying herself. Sunny was the only one who didn't seem to blame her for what she had done, and the thought in itself seemed almost ridiculous. It was her fault, and she shouldn't be given the benefit of the doubt, or any kind of respect. "I'm just sorry that... the first time you fell in love, it was with someone like me," she said, not bothering to hide the tears that filled her eyes. She tried to blink them away, tired of crying after all the endless nights she had stayed up to make sense of her thoughts, and Sunny showed her a sad smile.

"I don't regret it," Sunny replied softly. "We ed up, yes, but I loved every moment of it." She laughed breathily, "Well, almost."

"Oh?"

"Can't say I care for this very moment too much." They smiled at each other, and Jessica reached up to wipe at the tears that formed in the corner of her eyes.

"I don't regret it either," she said. "In some weird, ed up way, I'm still so glad to have met you." And it was true. She felt blessed every moment she got to spend in Sunny's presence.

Sunny looked down, but there was a smile playing on her lips. "Over the past week I've been thinking about everything that happened between us," she told her. "And I think, if it would happen again now... I wouldn't approach someone who was already taken." Like so many times before, Jessica marveled at her strength. "That doesn't mean that I don't wish you would stay with me, though," the shorter of the two added, her thumb the skin of Jessica's hand.

"Is this really how you feel?" Jessica asked. Sunny blinked at her. "I don't want you to be upset, but if you are, you don't have to protect me from it."

"Oh, I'm upset," Sunny said. "I've cried and screamed and punched my pillow into oblivion, because I already knew that I would end up losing you. You just waited until the right time, I've had time to calm down some." Jessica searched her eyes and decided to trust in her words for the moment.

"I'm glad. I'm sorry I pulled you into this mess."

Sunny laughed, almost joylessly. "It's safe to say I learned a lot."

Jessica gave her a tilted smile. "Maybe I was just your test-run. You know, everyone has to learn how to love."

The younger looked at her seriously. "But you feel like so much more than a test-run," she said softly. "I meant it every time I said I loved you. I mean, I do. I love you." Jessica put her hand on her knee instead, wanting to say the words back, but stopping herself. Sunny drew a deep breath in the silence, probably trying to keep the hurt out, Jessica thought. "You know, I wish that if you and I wouldn't work out, I could somehow have known that this was just a test-run," she continued then, suddenly looking a lot more tired than before. "So that I wouldn't have put all my heart and soul into loving somebody I never had a chance with anyway."

"That's fair," Jessica nodded, "but then what would we ever learn about commitment, if we knew that we were doomed from the start?"

Sunny shot her a look. "I still know nothing about commitment," she scoffed.

Jessica cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at her. "You were loyal to me all along," she managed. "Even though I lied to you, you were committed to me." Sunny seemed to forget to breathe, and the hurt in her heart seemed so strong it was almost tangible. "All you have left to learn is to put your loyalty with someone who deserves it." The other girl was still in her hands for a few moments longer as she soaked in the words, and then she put her hand in Jessica's long hair and pulled her in for a kiss.

They kissed leisurely, as though they had all the time in the world, and Jessica thought about how easy it would be just to fall backwards down onto Sunny's bed, to disappear beneath the sheets for the night, just for one last time, to feel loved in the way only Sunny could make her, but easy didn't always mean right. She understood that now. No matter how much she wanted to stay, it wasn't an option.

Still, she allowed herself a few more moments to share Sunny's warmth before she faced the loneliness she had chosen for herself.

"I love you," she whispered as they parted. Sunny's fingers pressed into her back slightly, and Jessica could feel her hands trembling. She didn't know who she was saying the words for, herself or Sunny, but she supposed it didn't matter as long as it was true. "I think I should go now," she continued, trying to find her voice. "Before things go too far."

Sunny fisted the back of Jessica's shirt. "Would that be so bad?" she asked against her lips.

Jessica broke away from her, smiling a little as she already felt a familiar heat reaching all the way up to her ears. "You're way too beautiful to be messing with my mind like this," she laughed, removing the other's hands from her body. "I have to leave."

Sunny sighed dramatically. "Alright. Can't blame a girl for trying, right?"

They both stood up from the bed, and it was as if realization hit them both at the same time. Jessica wished that she could pretend like this was just another "see you tomorrow" type of parting, but the heaviness in the pit of her stomach refused to let her. "Don't... Don't tell the girls that I'm leaving until the day after tomorrow, okay?" she said, straining herself not to reach out and touch the shorter girl again.

Sunny nodded hesitantly. "Seohyun will be released from the hospital the day after tomorrow," she replied. "You should try to see her."

Jessica bit her lip. "I'll try," she said, but it was a lie. It didn't matter. She was struck again by how different it felt to be with Sunny like this, without breaking any moral rules – at least no major ones – and without the guilt there to gnaw at the back of her mind. She would miss this, miss this feeling of safety and calm joy that Sunny seemed to exude. It was a different kind of safety from what she had felt with Yuri, but she was done comparing and measuring. It didn't matter who made her feel what anymore. She'd be out of both their lives soon enough.

It seemed like there were still a million things to say, a thousand apologies to stutter out, but this would have to do, Jessica guessed. The words would become memories and fade over time, and she had already gone over the most important points. Hopefully Sunny would forget those as well, sooner rather than later.

Their lips met again, and Jessica didn't know who initiated it. That didn't matter either. It was all she could do to try to memorize the feeling, because Jessica wasn't going to forget anytime soon. She had to remember for as long as it took for her to learn. And once they parted, Jessica pulled her jacket up over her shoulders again and walked towards the exit, pausing with her hand on the door handle. Then she turned around, looking over to where she had left the shorter girl with tears in her eyes. They looked at each other in understanding, too, like she and Yuri had, but this time Jessica didn't trust that Sunny understood what she said without saying it.

"Be happy, okay?" she said. A dumb request, maybe, but Sunny smiled through her tears. "As soon as possible."

"I'll try," Sunny said, and that would have to be good enough. Jessica lingered for another moment, forcing herself to take in the way it all looked, from Sunny's hair down to her toes, to the curtains over the windows and the mess of laundry strewn over her floor. She breathed it all in, remembering the ride of emotions they had gone on, and then she walked away, carrying it all with her in her heart.

Outside the door, she felt more like a coward than she had by Sunny's side. There were so many ways this could have gone, and Jessica knew that, but for her own and everyone else's happiness, this was probably the only sensible one. She'd know that, too, eventually.

And she knew for a fact that the first step towards coming back bigger, better and stronger, was to leave.

A/N: OK I AM SO SORRY I PLANNED THIS ENDING BEFORE JESSICA HAD TO LEAVE SNSD AND I COULDN'T CHANGE IT CAUSE NOTHING ELSE MADE SENSE AND NOW I'M IN PAIN. .