Yuri managed to pull Yoona with her to school the next day, much to everyone's relief (with the exception of maybe Seohyun). Yoona immediately left the rest of the group on the grounds that she couldn't be Seohyun right then, even Seohyun was nowhere to be seen for the first half of the day. Sooyoung offered to keep Yoona company, and both Jessica and Sunny tagged along, both wanting to get away from Yuri.

Seohyun didn't appear near the other girls until lunch break, when she found Taeyeon, Tiffany and Yuri in their usual hangout by their lockers. She walked up to them silently without looking at either of them.

"You all hate me, don't you?" she said, eyes fixed on Tiffany's shoes.

Taeyeon reached for her and took a hold of her hand. "Don't be stupid," she said with a sad smile.

"We'd never hate you, Seohyunnie," Tiffany added with a disapproving look at Taeyeon. "We're just worried... about both of you."

"You don't have to worry about me," the youngest said, sitting down beside Taeyeon and holding onto her hand for dear life. "I am just a horrible person. Care for Yoona instead."

"Breaking up is never easy," Yuri said, reaching over to give Seohyun's arm a comforting squeeze. "No matter what end of it you're at."

"At least you were honest with her," Taeyeon tried. "That's... you know. Good."

Seohyun scoffed. "Yes, but the same can't be said for my timing, can it?"

The other three exchanged nervous glances. "No, maybe that wasn't the best," Tiffany said carefully. "What happened, Seohyunnie?"

The youngest looked away again, and for a moment Taeyeon thought she was going to cry, which, she realized, would be a first. She had never seen Seohyun cry. But Seohyun bit her lip and her eyes remained clear. "I... I really like her. A lot." She sounded so innocent and honest that Taeyeon's heart broke a little. "But every time I think of her, I remember Sungmin's face and every single time I saw him in the corridors. How he always looked as if though he had been crying." A shiver went through each of the girls, as they all knew exactly what she was referring to. That broken look Sungmin had carried over the past few months should have told them a lot about his state of mind, but they never understood. "I can't be with her like that. I'm... I am so ashamed of what happened, I wish there was something I could do to make it right again."

"It wasn't your fault, Seohyun," Yuri said, visibly upset by her words. "It wasn't your fault, and neither was it Yoona's. It was the bullies', you know?"

Seohyun nodded and gave the other girl a hint of a smile. "I try... I really try to see it that way. But it's hard."

"If anybody deserves the blame, it's them," Tiffany said, reaching over Taeyeon and moving Seohyun's bangs out of her face. "Try to be angry at them and what they did to Sungmin instead of yourself."

"And Sungmin made his own decisions," Taeyeon said, leaning back slightly from Tiffany's touch. "You never forced him to do anything. And who's to say he would have been saved if Yoona had replied to his texts that night? We'll never know."

Seohyun nodded, and without her or Yuri knowing, Tiffany showed Taeyeon a warm smile.

"Where is she, by the way?" the youngest asked after a while. "Yoona? And the others?"

Yuri cleared awkwardly. "I... don't think Yoona's ready to see you just yet," she said, softening her words greatly. "The others are with her."

"Fantastic," Seohyun said, her shoulders slumping. "I'm tearing the group apart, too."

"No, Seohyunnie," Tiffany argued, "it'll get easier, I promise you. She just needs some time to process this." The youngest didn't reply, but just nodded her head with an obvious lack of heart. "Sweetie?"

She looked up, and Taeyeon had never seen her look so broken before. "I think... I think I'm going crazy missing her."
 

Recipient: Sica ♥
Sender: Yuri
Come by my place tonight. At 7.

Recipient: Yuri
Sender: Jessica
I don't know yuri

Recipient: Sica ♥
Sender: Yuri
Please... you said you'd give me a chance. Just this once.

Recipient: Yuri
Sender: Jessica
well what about your parents

Recipient: Sica ♥
Sender: Yuri
Just be there. Don't be too late.

Jessica was pulled out of physics class that day by Tiffany, and a simple: "Jessica, I left my book in your locker, can we go get it?" that left Jessica feeling immensely confused. Tiffany didn't keep any books in her locker. And if the line was just a way to get out of class, then it was even stranger; school was very important to the younger. Still, Jessica figured something must be up (and she'd jump at the chance to get out of class even just for two minutes), so she played along and let Tiffany pull her along outside.

They hurried through the corridor towards their lockers, Tiffany with a firm grip on Jessica's wrist. "What was that all about?" Jessica asked as they rounded the last corner. "I don't have any of your books."

"I know," Tiffany nodded. "I just... I don't like that we haven't had time to talk that much lately." She paused. "Alone."

Jessica frowned, but said nothing. She was pretty sure this would be about herself and Yuri, and that was nothing she was very eager to discuss. With anyone.

They reached their lockers in silence, and Jessica waited while Tiffany searched for her books in her locker, very slowly, stalling for time.

"So," Tiffany said then. "You and Yuri."

Jessica stared at the picture on the inside of Tiffany's locker door; a picture of her mother's tomb stone. "Yes," she said simply.

"What's going on with you?" Tiffany stared straight into her lock, and her voice was careful, insecure.

Jessica repressed a need to sigh endlessly. "I don't know."

"Are you breaking up?"

The question sounded too clear in the quiet, empty corridor. "I don't know. Maybe."

Tiffany glanced at her. "Maybe I shouldn't be asking this, but... Why?"

Jessica cursed herself for not having known this question would come, for not having thought of an answer beforehand. "Don't you love her anymore?"

"Of course I do," she grumbled. "It's not about that."

"Then what?"

Jessica leaned her back against the lockers. "You're the one always telling me that relationships aren't healthy just because you love each other."

Tiffany smiled bitterly. "Right." She found her book, pulled it out and closed the door carefully. "So are you going to tell me?"

"I just... Don't feel like she cares about us anymore. I'm tired of it." She shrugged.

"She does care," Tiffany said. "She cares more than she can handle." She looked at Jessica, eyes sad and turning desperate. "This is killing her."

"Yeah," Jessica replied, mouth numb. "Maybe at the thought of becoming alone. But I don't think she wants me anymore, not really."

"You don't think she loves you?" Tiffany said, and they started walking again, very slowly, back to the classroom. "Because she doesn't make time for you?"

"More or less," Jessica said. "She tells me the opposite, of course, but words are easy to say, harder to believe." She felt numb all through, because why did lying feel so easy? Lying to her best friend about her own awful betrayal?

"I guess," Tiffany said. "It's just... I'm scared of what would happen if you two broke up." And not until then did Jessica understand the meaning of Tiffany's avoiding glances: Fear.

"We'll still be friends, no matter what happens," Jessica said despite knowing it was far from the truth. And suddenly she felt like her betrayal was multiplying in size, spreading like wildfire, affecting not just her, Yuri and Sunny, but all of them. Guilt and paranoia followed closely behind.

Recipient: Sunny
Sender: Jessica
I'm doing it tonight. I'm heading over to Yuri's right now.

Recipient: Sica
Sender: Sunny
...are you sure?

Recipient: Sunny
Sender: Jessica
i want you.

Recipient: Jessica
Sender: Sunny
♥ Go easy on her. Tell her the truth if you must.

Sooyoung thought it was about time to erase the word 'calm' from her vocabulary. She wanted to sit down, take a deep breath and get herself together, but she couldn't. Hyoyeon was out there somewhere - she was alive, and she was so far away and there was absolutely nothing Sooyoung could do to get her back, even though it felt closer now than it had for the past month.

Yoona was still shook up about everything that had happened, still feeling so guilty about Sungmin's death that she could hardly spend any time at all alone. So the two of them decided to throw themselves a pity party, and for some reason that Sooyoung wasn't all that sure about, Sunny had asked to join them. They had thought of inviting Taeyeon, too, but both hers and Tiffany's phones had mysteriously been abandoned, which left the girls without a way to contact them. Yoona gave Sooyoung a very knowing look as the signals rang, and Sooyoung thought she knew more than Taeyeon had told her about the whole situation.

The three of them sat down together in Sooyoung's bedroom, Sooyoung on her chair by her desk, while Yoona and Sunny (albeit with a sensible distance between them) sunk down on her bed. They tried to keep the conversation light and easy for a while, without touching on any of the horrible things that filled their mind, but Sooyoung soon found herself wanting to jump out the window and go running towards the bus stop. She wanted to ask Sunny about Seohyun, but it felt wrong to do so while Yoona was in the room. And she wanted to ask Yoona about Taeyeon and Tiffany, but couldn't do that while Sunny was around. She sighed heavily, standing up from her chair and walked over to her bedroom window.

"Soo?" Yoona said tentatively. "You okay?"

"Peachy," she replied curtly, feeling her skin crawl. Yoona and Sunny exchanged a glance behind her back - she didn't need to look at them to know that.

Yoona laughed uncomfortably. "Stupid question, I know. I'm sorry."

Her tone was dejected, and Sooyoung immediately felt guilty, but it was nothing compared to how annoyed and trapped she felt. "No," she mumbled, seeing her own breath fog up the window pane in front of her, "I'm sorry. I'm just... Finding it hard to function like a normal person right now.”

"I get that," Yoona said slowly.

"What's on your mind?" Sunny asked then, worried.

Sooyoung didn't turn back to face them, but just stared out into the darkness outside her window. Maybe there would be snow in a few months’ time, Sooyoung thought with a cold sting of fear in her chest - but then the sting ebbed out into an ache when she realized how far South Siwon had found Hyoyeon; she wasn't sure, but she didn't think they'd be getting any snow. But she'd have to ask Siwon just to be sure. Snapping back to the present, she said: "I'm just thinking... about Hyoyeon."

"Figured that much," Sunny said. "What exactly are you thinking?"

Sooyoung tilted her head. If this had been a few months ago, she realized, she would have been crying by now. But it seemed like she had cried so much in such a short amount of time had tears had become an everyday accessory to her, and now she had lost it all. She had lost the need the cry, that horrible choking sensation that renders you unable to speak, she had lost the relief of the emptiness when the tears finally stop, and all that remained in her was a different kind of emptiness, a different kind of speechlessness. "I'm thinking about snow," she finished, not lying, but not entirely truthful.

A pause. Before her inner eye, Sooyoung saw the other two glance at each other nervously again. "You're worried about how she's going to survive the winter?" Yoona asked eventually.

Sooyoung nodded, but didn't say anything. She couldn't. Every single word she wanted to say felt too horrible. "I still can't believe that Siwon guy didn't grab and call the police or something," Sunny bit out.

Sooyoung finally turned around to face her friends. "Sunny, please," she said, already tired of hearing it.

"No, I'm serious," the shortest said, leaning her back against the wall. "He knew she's missing and he just let her run away again without a fight!"

"It wasn't his fight," Sooyoung said calmly, making her way over to the chair again. Maybe an argument would ease her mind after all; give her something else to think about.

"If he'd have done it right, we could have had her back by now."

Sooyoung ignored her. The room fell silent apart from the slightly distant noise of the television in the living room. "I want to go," she said then, not bothering to hide her wish any longer. "To the shelter. I want to go."

The other two looked back at her with raised eyebrows for a moment. "But she isn't there anymore," Yoona said then with a slight shrug. "You won't find her there."

"I know," Sooyoung said impatiently; God, why did she have to waste so much time here explaining things? She needed to go! "But there are people there who saw her. Who knew her. I just... want to know how she was doing." She kicked the floor lightly, wishing she was alone. But most of all wishing to be understood.

"Siwon did, too," Sunny pointed out, somewhat nervously.

Sooyoung leaned her chest against the backrest and let the chair spin around. "For like two minutes," she grumbled. "I've already asked him about everything a hundred times. He's a gentleman, but even gentlemen have limits."

Yoona, at the head of the bed, inched towards its edge with a glassy look in her eyes. "Sooyoung, let's be real for a second," she said carefully. "How exactly do you think it would help you, going there?"

"I..." Sooyoung tried, letting the chair continue to spin around and around, avoiding her friends’ looks as much as she could while she searched for an answer in her mind. "Maybe there's someone there who knows something about where she was going," she stated numbly. "Maybe she told someone."

"Didn't Siwon say she left spontaneously?"

"Because he found her, she left," Sunny filled in. "She didn't have a chance to go back to the shelter before she disappeared again."

Sooyoung put her feet down, stopping the chair and staring into her friends' eyes. "Alright, fine, it wouldn't help," she said irritably. "It wouldn't help at all. But it would feel like it did... Like I would be closer to her."

Tense silence greeted her words. Sunny took a deep breath, suddenly unable to meet Sooyoung’s gaze. "It wouldn't help," Yoona said, voice small and expression broken. "You would stare at the places she had gone to, and it would drive you crazy that she isn't there anymore. You'd become obsessed."

"What, like you and those last texts from Sungmin that you refuse to delete?" Sooyoung snapped. Yoona looked down at her hands with a small nod, admitting defeat.

"Sooyoung," Sunny mumbled, and Sooyoung understood, understood perfectly well that that was not an acceptable thing to say, because Yoona was hurting just like her, maybe even more, maybe her loss was twice as big as Sooyoung’s, but she couldn't stand it. She couldn't stand all the pain, all the hurt and loss that collected like a big bruise anytime they were in the same room together. All of them. Sooyoung, Yoona, Taeyeon and Yuri, and sometimes both Tiffany and Seohyun.

"I'm sorry," she choked out. "I'm sorry, Yoona." She got up off the chair and walked over to the bed, sitting down between the other two. Yoona didn't look at her as she approached.

"It's okay."

Sooyoung shook her head, but suddenly feeling something tear-like in , she couldn't get the words of protest out. "I'm just out of control. I don't know how to deal with myself anymore." She reached up to Yoona's hair, pushing it carefully behind her ear.

"I don't either," Yoona breathed. Sooyoung raised an eyebrow at her. "I mean," Yoona laughed weakly, "with myself." Her eyes were glistening with tears, and Sooyoung felt a bittersweet regret at the sight. Apparently Yoona hadn't come to that stage where the tears just ran out yet. That was probably a good thing.

"That's what the rest of us are here for," Sunny said, throwing her arm around Sooyoung's back and squeezing her tightly. "So don't worry too much.”

Sooyoung showed her a weak but warm smile while Yoona dabbed at the corner of her eyes. "But you know what happens when we try to deal with each other," she said, pointing towards the one black dot by her ear where Sunny had stabbed her with a pen.

Sunny snorted. "It's not necessarily a bad thing," she said brightly. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I've found that stabbings usually work. They get the job done."

Sooyoung laughed, but shook her head. "Not in this case, bunny."

They fell silent, all three of them staring out the window on the other side of the room, and all three of them with very different things on their minds. Eventually, Yoona took a quivering breath. "So... Have either of you spoken to... you know, Seohyun?"

The other two gave each other a searching look. Sooyoung shook her head, and Sunny swallowed heavily. "Yeah," she hesitated.

Yoona stared at her with wide, nervous eyes. "So... how is she?"

Sunny hesitated again. "Well..." she tried, not sure what to say, or what Yoona would want to hear.

The younger girl seemed to understand her thoughts. "It's alright," she said, waving a dismissive hand. "You don't have to tell me. I know you guys are close, and so... yeah."

Sooyoung, sitting between the two, swallowed awkwardly. There was an obvious jealousy in Yoona's tone, and she found herself wishing she could be anywhere but there at that moment. "No, it's not that," Sunny hurried. "It's just... She's... not doing so well."

"No?" Yoona asked, seeming both encouraged and upset at the words.

"No," Sunny repeated. "She misses you."

Yoona slumped back against the wall behind her. Her expression was dreaming, but shot down, hopeful but desperate. "I just..." she said quietly, "don't understand her. At all."

"What do you mean?" Sooyoung said, happy that the earlier tension had disappeared.

Yoona sighed, looking at her fingers. "I thought she cared as much as I did, but... it seems I was wrong. I just feel like an idiot."

Sunny pulled up her legs and curled them beneath her on the bed, turning towards Yoona. "I don't think it's that, exactly," she said reluctantly, obviously trying to step carefully. "It's just..." She coughed, looking at Sooyoung for support, but the younger had none to give. "Seohyun's sense of what's right and wrong is incredibly strong," Sunny explained. "Her morals are everything to her. And she feels that she did something wrong, and that she needs to repay it before she will allow herself to be happy again."

Sooyoung wanted to say that it sounded insane, but for Seohyun, it didn't. It sounded exactly like her. "That... sounds insane," Yoona said, and Sooyoung almost had to stifle a laugh. "How could she possibly repay Sungmin's death?"

"I don't know," Sunny said truthfully. "And she doesn't know, which is why it's so hard for her. But she will figure it out." She looked at Yoona earnestly. "And she'll come back to you."

Yoona smiled, but it was fake and insecure and everything that was wrong with her in that moment. "I don't know about that," she laughed breathily, fresh tears in her eyes. "This whole guilt thing... it's a ."

Sooyoung nudged her in the side. "You need to stop blaming yourself, too."

Yoona laughed, and the tears twinkled in her eyes. "You're telling me?"

"Hmf," Sooyoung said, straightening her back. "I'm honestly getting better with that whole thing," she said, almost truthfully. "I mean, sometimes. On the good days. I mean, the ones that aren't quite as bad as the really horrible ones." She smiled, unable to do anything else. The other two looked back at her almost hopefully, and she felt something shatter inside her again. "Well, actually, it's more like I have the thought every once in a while, like 'hey, maybe I shouldn't be feeling this bad about what I did', and then I beat myself up for three days straight for at all entertaining the thought," she finished, and received two slaps from either sides. "Ah," she groaned. "Joining in on the beating, I see. How very helpful of you."

"Told you we're here for you," Sunny grinned.

"Seriously though, I know what you mean," Yoona continued. "I'm really trying not to blame myself, too, but what with his funeral tomorrow and all... I don't know how..." She trailed off into indistinct mumbles. Heaviness filled Sooyoung again (if that was even the right word by now; 'still' seemed to fit better).

"Right, the funeral," Sooyoung groaned, "oh, god..."

Yoona shook her head, as if it was too much for her to think of. "I just... This isn't how I pictured it when I imagined falling in love for the first time."

Everything was so wrong, so messed up, and Sooyoung didn't know what to do. She wanted to tell Sunny to get up and get out, run away from them before they had a chance to ruin her too much. The tension and knowledge of everything that had happened was smothering, and it seemed like Sunny was the only one who was untouched, unaffected, unspoiled. Hyoyeon was lost, Sungmin was gone, Taeyeon had gotten kicked out of her own home, Yuri and Jessica were imploding, and Sunny was the only one who wasn't spending most of their waken moments with tears in her eyes, and...

Sunny burst into tears.

The other two looked at her in surprise.

"What's wrong?" Sooyoung asked, and the sense of dread that filled her was too big for words.

Sunny sobbed, panted for breath, and didn't look either of them in the eye. "I have to tell you something," she managed, clutching her chest just above her heart. "But you have to promise that you will never tell anyone what I'm about to say. That it will never leave this room."

"I promise."

"I promise," Sooyoung agreed, more out of curiosity than anything else.

Sunny attempted to pull herself together, sat up straight, fanned herself with her hands and took a deep breath. "I... I've been with Jessica."

They stared at her. "Been with?" Sooyoung repeated slowly, unable to comprehend the older girl's words.

Sunny's mouth opened and closed. Opened and closed. She looked at Sooyoung, but couldn't bring herself to even so much as glance at Yoona. "We slept together."

Yoona stood up. Sooyoung gave her a confused look, and then she turned back to the girl beside her. "Sunny..." she mumbled, in complete disbelief.

"So this... this is why Jessica and Yuri are breaking up?" Yoona said, her voice uneven and shaking.

Sunny nodded, still not looking at the youngest in the room. "Oh my god," Sooyoung mumbled. She had had no idea, not the slightest little clue that something would have been going on between them.

"Please," Sunny begged, tears falling, "don't tell anyone."

Yoona seemed too shocked to know what to do. "Yuri has spent every day trying to make me feel better because I couldn't bear to be alone," she half-yelled. "And she thinks it's her fault that their relationship is on the rocks, but really... It's you?"

"Jessica had a choice in this too," Sunny replied, staring at Yoona's feet.

"How can I not tell her?!" Yoona demanded. Sooyoung watched them like a tennis game in helplessness.

"You promised," Sunny pleaded. "You promised you wouldn't tell."

Yoona let out a sharp, furious breath. "Yuri doesn't deserve this. She's doing everything she can to be a better person for Jessica."

"Look," Sunny said, standing up too. Her tears had stopped falling; probably out of fear, Sooyoung thought. "Aren't you Jessica's friend, too?"

"Yes, but—"

"Her and I are together in this," Sunny said. "I never forced her to do anything that she didn't want to. So if you are her friend, then try to accept her wishes. Please."

"I never thought she'd do something like this!" Yoona yelled.

"She isn't doing this to hurt Yuri," Sunny tried, sounding calm, but her eyes betrayed her. "And she's not enjoying it. It's killing her, you must understand that?" Yoona gave her a glare, but looked away without a word. "She's been through hell and back trying to figure out what she wants, and now she has."

"So..." Yoona said, crossing her arms, "you two are going to be together now?"

Sunny hesitated, looking down at her lap. Sooyoung waited, still so shocked from the knowledge that Sunny would do something like that and that she would manage to hide it. No real thoughts had a chance to form in her mind. Eventually, Sunny looked up and gave a short nod.

"How is that even going to work?" Yoona asked. "For us?" She seemed a little calmer now, but anger was still painfully visible in her eyes. "For the group?"

"I don't know," Sunny said, voice small and guilty.

Yoona shook her head with a joyless laugh. "You're both so selfish."

"Hey," Sooyoung said, "sit down, would you?" Yoona gave her a questioning glance, but did as she was told, and sank down as far from Sunny as possible. Sooyoung took a deep breath and turned to Sunny. "I won't tell anyone."

Sunny sighed in relief. "Really?"

"How can you say that?" Yoona said.

Sooyoung hurried to continue before she could start ranting. "I'm trying to think of what's best for all of us. If this gets out, there's going to be a rift between Yuri, Sunny and Jessica, and we're all going to have to choose sides, cause I think the possibility of the three of them staying in the same room for very long will be pretty much non-existing," she reasoned. "And with everything that's happened, I... I just think that's the last thing we need."

"And what about Yuri?" Yoona asked. "She's going to be so broken, she's going to beat herself up for the rest of her life. She loves Jessica." She gave Sunny a glare that clearly told her exactly what she was thinking.

Sooyoung bit down on her lip. She didn't have an answer. "I don't know."

Yoona shifted her gaze between the two of them incredulously. "Well, I'm not promising anything," she said. "Whenever Jessica breaks up with her, she's going to be so broken, and I'm going to be there for her to comfort her, and how can I just sit there listening to how much she hates herself when I know how badly she's been screwed over?"

Sunny pulled her hands over her face. "Do it for Jessica. I'm begging you."

Yoona said nothing, and the three sat in silence for a while. "When is she going to do it?"

"Who?"

"Jessica. When is she going to break up with Yuri?"

Sunny looked so apologetic and guilty that it made Sooyoung's heart ache. "Tonight."


Not much later, Yoona was out the door, on her way home to wait for Yuri's call. And Sunny stayed with Sooyoung for the night, filling her in on the details with her affair with Jessica, fighting not to sound too excited about what she had done, when the truth was that she was a little proud that Jessica had chosen her.

Jessica walked over to Yuri's house with her heart somewhere in the back of . Yes, she had made up her mind; all she wanted to do was start over with Sunny and forget that she ever let herself get into the mess with Yuri. She would be faithful to Sunny for as long as they were together, and she could revive her own faith in herself.

But God, it seemed like every single inch of body was aching with premature regret and nervousness. She didn't want to hurt Yuri, but she knew she had to, and as she rounded the last turn and her girlfriend's house came into view, she almost gave up and turned back. It was a stupid thought, she knew that, so she shook it out of her head before it had a chance to take her over. It was time to be strong, or she would end up hurting Sunny as well. More than she already had, that was.

So she took a deep, pained breath, climbed the two steps up to Yuri's door, and knocked twice.

"Come in," she heard from inside. Are there no other options? Her mind asked instantly, and was met with only silence. As thought. With great effort, she pushed down on the door handle and waited as the door swung open.

Yuri's house was big, a little bigger than Tiffany's, and definitely bigger than the house Jessica had lived in with her family. It had a yellow exterior, two floors and a basement (which Jessica had only visited once and wouldn't ever go back to willingly), and it gave Jessica sense of familiarity and coziness, now somewhat warped into a need to both escape and stay at the same time. From her spot by the door, she could see into the kitchen to the left; white, big and clean. Yuri stood by the sink, filling up a used pot with water. "Hi, Sica," she called, giving Jessica quick look before turning back to the water. "You're just on time."

Jessica glanced up at the clock above the stove before giving in, taking a step forwards and closing the door behind her. Her heart pounded madly in her chest. "Just on time for what?" she asked, somewhat suspiciously.

"For dinner," Yuri replied, turning off the tap.

"Dinner?" Jessica repeated, walking reluctantly into the kitchen.

"Yes, I've made you dinner."

Jessica's eyes widened. "Oh my God, your parents aren't here, are they?"

Yuri laughed. "No, I made them realize that tonight is a perfect night to visit my grandparents. They'll be home later tonight."

"Oh," Jessica said numbly.

Yuri gestured towards the dinner table. "Go ahead," she said, and Jessica turned and saw the table neatly set up with candles, a single rose in a tall glass vase, and a pot with very delicious-looking chicken in it.

Jessica was about to let out a "wow", but stopped both the words and the feelings of happiness that washed over her. Yuri had done this for her, and it was sweet, almost enough to draw tears of gratitude from Jessica's eyes, but it was all a waste. A meal wasn't going to change Jessica's decision (more than perhaps shake its base a little bit). A thought struck her, and she frowned. "But... you don't cook chicken," she stated. And it was true: Yuri had an irrational fear of serving ill-cooked chicken and having the two of them face an unlikely death in salmonella.

"I know," Yuri said, making her way over to the dinner table as well. "But I also know it's your favorite."

Jessica felt like she might throw up. She did not deserve Yuri going through any kind of trouble for her at all, and she eyed the food in horror (and not so little hunger). Why, why, why did she have to go and get herself in this mess? The thought of telling Yuri the absolute, honest truth flashed through her mind - maybe that would be the easiest way to get this over with. And watch Yuri throw porcelain and cutlery through the kitchen, maybe directly at Jessica, which she definitely deserved. "You shouldn't have done this," she whispered. Yuri pulled out a chair for Jessica and went to sit down on the other side of the table, and judging by the look on her face, she her heard the unspoken continuation of "because I'm going to break up with you".

"It's done now," she said. "So please, just sit."

And Jessica did as she was told. She sat down on the chair that the other girl had pulled out for her, but she couldn't bear to do any more than that, so she just sat there, staring down at the food on the table. Yuri looked at her in confusion for a few moments, but sensing Jessica's paralysis, she helped herself to the food first. "I hope I didn't do too bad," she said in a strained attempt at casualness.

"I'm sure it's great," Jessica said, "but, Yuri... what are we doing?"

Yuri put a few spoonfuls of rise on her plate, and Jessica couldn't help but notice how little she was taking. She probably wasn't eating well at the moment, Jessica realized, and there was another twinge of guilt in her stomach. "We are having dinner," Yuri said calmly.

"Yeah," Jessica said. "And just out of curiosity, is there a special reason you like awkward situations, or..?"

Yuri threw her head back a little as she laughed, now helping herself to the chicken. "Oh, I've never felt awkward around you, Sica." Jessica raised her eyebrows at her. "Okay, that's not entirely true," Yuri admitted, "but barred the last few days. And I don't feel awkward around you now."

"Good for you," Jessica mumbled in reply.

"Please, have some rice."

Jessica glanced at the darkening skies outside the window. "Look, Yuri, I don't know if I really feel up for having dinner when—"

"We have a lot to talk about," Yuri interrupted her, a bit too loudly. "I didn't think we were going to discuss the weather while eating, you know."

Feeling a little relieved, Jessica stared at her girlfriend. Her composure was almost creepy in its forcedness, but hearing that Yuri didn't see this as just a normal date calmed her down a bit. "Fine," she said, grabbing the spoon to help herself to the rice. Her own speeding pulse reminded her why they were there again, and she wished they could skip the of the inevitable breakup. Wished they could stop dragging things out and just get straight to it. But at the same time she knew that the only person who could make that happen was herself, because why would Yuri? And felt very dry suddenly. Perhaps, if she was lucky, she'd have a heart attack before she had a chance to say anything, and the whole thing would be off. That would just be perfect.

"How is Sooyoung doing?" Yuri asked as Jessica poured some chicken on her plate.

"What do you mean?"

Yuri gave her an incredulous look. "I mean with the whole Hyoyeon thing. The text, and all that."

"Oh," Jessica said, feeling dumb but so overwhelmed by her own internal chaos that focusing on anyone else's life right now seemed near impossible. "Well, they've contacted the police and given them that guy's phone number, so... She's excited, I think."

"So she's okay?"

"Uh," Jessica said, hesitating. She hadn't talked in-depth about the situation with Sooyoung for a while, she thought - but then she realized that it was all they had talked about during the last few days in school, only Jessica hadn't been able to focus. She shook her head at herself and willed tears not to well up; when had she become such a horrible person? Had she always been this way? "Yeah, I guess," she mumbled, "as much as she can be." She took the food as an excuse to stop talking, and took a large bite of chicken. As expected, it was delicious.

"That's good," Yuri said, eyeing her carefully over the candlelight. "Is it okay?" she asked then, raising her fork. "The food?"

Jessica nodded, careful to not be too enthusiastic, no matter how much her instincts told her to praise Yuri until she blushed like a little girl. No, those times had to be past now. "So, uh," she said once she had swallowed, "how about Yoona? I heard she's been here a lot."

Yuri nodded. "Yeah, almost every night. I wish I could say that she's okay, but... she's not."

Jessica suddenly felt like it would be impossible to take as much as another bite. "It'll get better," she said, not sure who she was reassuring. "That's how these things work, right? It feels horrible for a while, and there's nothing you can do about it, but you survive. And then, little by little, it gets better."

Yuri was very immersed in the food on her plate, not looking back at Jessica or bothering to hide how much her words seemed to scare her. "I'm not so sure about that," she mumbled - and Jessica had had enough. She had dragged it out for much too long; what was she doing sitting there, torturing Yuri with her own cowardice? The faster it was over, the better.

"Look, Yuri," she said, putting her fork down. seemed to be clogging up with premature regret, but there was also determination somewhere deep below her heart.

Before she had a chance to continue, Yuri swallowed heavily, looked up at Jessica with horrified eyes and put her cutlery down as well. "No," she said. Jessica could only stare. "Before you say anything... I have some things I want to say."

Jessica sighed, dejected, and already hurting. "There's no point—"

"Please," Yuri interrupted again, pleading to Jessica with her eyes. "Just listen. I know you're mad at me, but you said you’d give me a chance."

Jessica stared down to her lap, letting her blonde locks cover her face as good as she could. She wanted to cry, she wanted to get up and run out the door and never look back. Drop out of school and stop speaking to every single one of her friends, only to forget this had ever happened, what she had done. The thought was horrible, and yet it seemed easier than telling the truth. "Fine," she said, and she didn't try to sound pleasant or nice anymore.

Yuri stared at her over the burning candles. It didn't escape Jessica how beautiful she was, even in a moment like this. The tragedy of it all threatened to overwhelm her at any moment. The younger of the two took a deep breath, and the shadows of the flame danced across her face. "I think you're right," she said eventually. Jessica blinked in confusion. "I think... these past few months... I've taken you for granted. I haven't been the girlfriend I should have been, and I haven't been the girlfriend I was before." Jessica looked away in shame. "I understand how you feel. How tired you must be of being alone.

"But I promise you, Sica... Not a day has passed when I didn't think of you. I know it doesn't matter, since I didn't say anything, didn't show it, but it's true." Jessica shook her head, wanting the words to just stop, because why was this given to her, such a wonderful gift in the shape of the most patient person on earth, when Jessica herself was so horrible? Yuri got up from her chair and walked slowly, slowly around the table. Fighting her instincts to run out the door, Jessica froze in her spot, and when Yuri kneeled in front of her and took her hand, she fixed her gaze on their intertwined fingers, unable to meet her girlfriend's eyes. "I love you," Yuri said, and Jessica felt it. "I love you so much, and I didn't even realize what was happening to us until you told me. I wish you'd have given me more than one warning, though, because I would have changed in the blink of an eye."

Yuri laughed slightly, an insecure, broken laugh, and Jessica looked up to see unshed tears in her eyes. As if on cue, her own eyes became blurry with hurt. "So you're saying it's my fault?" she said shakily in the smallest voice she could produce. Guilt stained the inside of her mind, and it burned.

"No," Yuri said, shaking her head. "I'm saying that there's nothing I am not willing to do for you." Tears spilled over her cheeks, and Jessica looked away again, unable to take it. "Don't you love me anymore, Sica?"

The tears slipped over Jessica's cheeks, too, and instead of wiping them away, she took a deep breath, looking inwards and realized that yes, she did still love Yuri. She loved her the way she did a month after they had first met, and she loved the way her hand grasped hers so tightly and needily, as if her life depended on it. But it all stood in the shadow of what Jessica had done. "Of course I still love you," Jessica choked out. "I will always love you. But... maybe that isn't always enough."

A glint of hope was lit in Yuri's eyes as her fingers closed tighter around Jessica's. "It is enough," she breathed. "It's all that matters." Jessica was just about to shake her head when Yuri continued: "I know what I've said about marriage in the past, but I... want to spend the rest of my life with you. I... can't imagine what it would be like without you." Her voice broke, and Jessica winced, completely dumbfounded at the experience of being so desperately needed by someone, so loved, because in some weird, twisted way she had never felt as loved as she did in that moment. And why didn't the feeling come until now, now that she had done something so horrible?

"Yuri..."

"I will do anything to make this work again," Yuri continued, halfway to sobbing and refusing to hear a word of rejection. "So I'm begging you, Sica... Don't throw this away over just one mistake. I will fix it. I will make it up to you. Just don't throw us away, and I promise you that we can get through it."

Jessica drew a shaky breath through her tears. "How do you know that?"

"I don't," Yuri said, shaking her head. "All I know is that I... need you." Her hold on Jessica's hand tightened to the point where it almost hurt, and she leaned her head against the other girl's knees, crying heavily. "Please, Sica... Please."

Jessica's head spun. There was herself and the guilt, there was Yuri and love, and there was Sunny, so beautiful, not with as much need as Yuri, but so inexperienced and so fragile and looking up to Jessica with every fiber of her being, a sort of undeniable love that she could not doubt. But Yuri was the one who was crying with her head in her lap, asking her not to go, begging her to stay, and Jessica's heart was breaking, because this was her fault, her hurt, her mess. Wasn't there any way she could undo all of this? Couldn't she go back and undo all the things she had done to and with Sunny, and free Yuri, who was so innocent, so wonderful, from all of this?

She pulled her hand out of Yuri's grip, and instead started her hair softly. "Yuri, please... Please don't," she whispered. "It's going to be okay. Don't cry. It's okay."

Yuri sat up slowly, her long, dark hair disheveled and messy. She looked up at Jessica through tired eyes, body shivering and shaking from crying, and there was a unwillingness to believe Jessica's words on her face. "Will you stay with me?"

Jessica looked at her and saw in her eyes so many memories from the last four years, such a long time of safety and warmth and love, so many tears they had wiped off each other's faces, so many songs they had sung at the top of their lungs, so many times they had clung to each other and let Jessica's problems and Yuri's problems become their problems, and so many times they had worked them through together. And how could she break a love like that up? How could she leave someone who had held on to her for four years and hadn't grown sick of her? How could she let go of someone who she had held on to for four years and not grown sick of? What was she doing?

And then Yuri saw the hesitation in her eyes and her face twisted into a grimace of pain, the hurt so visible on her face that it seemed to physically drive nails of pain through Jessica's skin, and she saw Sunny in the back of her mind, Sunny on her bed, pale skin soft and smooth as her back arched in pleasure. And everything about Sunny was loveable, perfect, so deserving of the love Jessica felt for her, but what did she really know about loyalty? How could Jessica be sure that Sunny would stick by her side for four years, the way Yuri had? Her heart ached at the thought of breaking things off with Sunny, but right now the pain of leaving Yuri seemed even larger, and at the same time she couldn't keep Yuri in her life while she was still seeing Sunny, and...

"Can we... just take things slow for a while?" she said weakly, and Yuri froze. "Just... while we get back on track?"

Yuri's grip on her hand loosened. "What?"

"I... I think we can make it work," Jessica said, somehow feeling so relieved and so horrified at the same time. "But let's... ease back into it. Let's be careful."

The younger girl stared up at her as if still trying to understand what she was saying. "So... you're not leaving?" she hiccupped, not yet daring to sound hopeful.

Jessica shook her head slowly, attempting a small smile, even though it still felt to her as though she was dying. "No."

Yuri stared at her, still seeming to wait for a catch, but then she jumped up, pressing her lips against Jessica's while relief flooded between them, her fingers pushing through Jessica's hair and meeting at the back of her head. It was desperate, just as desperate as Jessica herself felt, and she felt her sleeping desire for her girlfriend stir, a desire that had been overshadowed and resting ever since Sunny had entered her life, and she felt a warm ache work its way up her thighs.

"Thank you," Yuri breathed against her lips between kisses, "thank you."

"Stop it," Jessica breathed back, "don't thank me. You're amazing."

Soon Jessica stumbled up from her chair, and Yuri's arms encircled her at once, and in all their urgency they forgot about the half-eaten dinner on the table, the burning candles and that one rose of apology, and they hurried out into the hallway, up the stairs and when Jessica started running towards Yuri's room, the other girl gripped her wrist and pulled her into her parents' bedroom instead.

Yuri laid Jessica down on her back on the bed, and Jessica could barely believe what was happening. Yuri, who was so set on never letting her parents see them together, was about to make love to her on their bed? Excitement and remaining guilt and love all pooled inside her and mixed into something she couldn't quite stand, but also couldn't escape. Yuri wasted no time, but let her quivering hands Jessica's ribs firmly, down over her stomach and found her pants button within seconds. Jessica found it hard to breathe, the sudden lust that rushed through her body was so exhilarating, and she hurried to pull off the other girl's shirt before her pants could be removed. She stared in wide-eyed awe at the warm skin, darker than Jessica's and so inviting, and how could she have forgotten how much she loved seeing Yuri like this? How could she have been so forgetful?

Yuri yanked her pants down impatiently, and in the midst of her heavy breathing Jessica had time to identify the thought that she was now cheating on Sunny instead, but then Yuri's fingers found her most sensitive spot, and she welcomed the escape from guilt with warm moans, all swallowed willingly by Yuri.

She was spontaneous, thoughtless and selfish, and she knew that, but in that moment, all she wanted was to get through everything she felt, and make it through alive.